MrsTonyaBrown
Confesson Time
Nov 20, 2006
Okay, here I am at over 14 months out. I have lost around 170 lbs. I feel great. But I have only lost like 5 lbs in the last 4 months and it's all my own fault.
I've slipped back into old eating habits (not nearly as bad as before my surgery, but BAD anyway). With recent, within the past few months, stresses (a military move for our family, two family deaths and the ensuing chaos, my husband's military deployment looming, a new job with all it's own drama, my toddler in her terrible twos, family illness, and the shaky financial future of my immediate family), I've taken grazing to a whole new level. It's rare I don't have food in my hand or my mouth.
With the possibility that my husband may leave the military by Sept 07, it's become important for me to try and get my plastics done sooner rather than later and I'm still 40 lbs or more from my goal! And that's stressing me out too!
I got a base gym pass but have yet to use it because the hours the gym is open, versus the hours our daycare is open doesn't mesh very well and I don't have childcare for me to hit the gym at all. I told my husband this morning that I want a treadmill by Christmas and while he agrees, he wants to take things slow and "maybe" wait a while. I've stressed to him again and again today that I know what will happen; we'll wait a few weeks, and it will turn into a few months, and by the time I get a treadmill or any exercise equipment, it'll be plastics time. (I'm a huge procratinator when it comes to making decisions and he's a big procrastinator in spending money.)
I've ticked him off enough with my nagging that he's agreed to visit a fitness equipment store to look at a few treadmills and maybe an elliptical trainer if I really want a good workout. He honestly thinks it'll just sit in the corner gathering dust. I honestly want to use it as our neighborhood is not the safest to be outside in after dark, otherwise, I'd toss my toddler in a stroller and take a short jog.
I'm fretting because I want to lose more weight. I'd love to see 180 but I'm beginning to think that won't happen. I believe I can do it, but not if no one else believes it. Even my mom says I should be happy to be where I am, at 234-240 lbs (depending on the time of the month). I am happy, but I want to be happier. My blood pressure is back up again and I'm probably going to be back on bp meds soon.
I know it's all my own fault for letting myself fall into this and while I'd like to be strong like many of you and just pull myself up by the bootstraps and "go back to basics," I find myself slipping time and again. I need to go back to writing everything I eat down and counting calories. I know that right now, I get around 2200 a day, maybe a little more, so I'm maintaining, but not losing.
Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that I'm letting stress dictate my eating and while I understand my husband's attitude of "why buy something expensive just to see it sit in the corner," but I'd like the opportunity to be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and "go back to basics."
I know, pity party, party of one. :)
Thanks for listening.
I've slipped back into old eating habits (not nearly as bad as before my surgery, but BAD anyway). With recent, within the past few months, stresses (a military move for our family, two family deaths and the ensuing chaos, my husband's military deployment looming, a new job with all it's own drama, my toddler in her terrible twos, family illness, and the shaky financial future of my immediate family), I've taken grazing to a whole new level. It's rare I don't have food in my hand or my mouth.
With the possibility that my husband may leave the military by Sept 07, it's become important for me to try and get my plastics done sooner rather than later and I'm still 40 lbs or more from my goal! And that's stressing me out too!
I got a base gym pass but have yet to use it because the hours the gym is open, versus the hours our daycare is open doesn't mesh very well and I don't have childcare for me to hit the gym at all. I told my husband this morning that I want a treadmill by Christmas and while he agrees, he wants to take things slow and "maybe" wait a while. I've stressed to him again and again today that I know what will happen; we'll wait a few weeks, and it will turn into a few months, and by the time I get a treadmill or any exercise equipment, it'll be plastics time. (I'm a huge procratinator when it comes to making decisions and he's a big procrastinator in spending money.)
I've ticked him off enough with my nagging that he's agreed to visit a fitness equipment store to look at a few treadmills and maybe an elliptical trainer if I really want a good workout. He honestly thinks it'll just sit in the corner gathering dust. I honestly want to use it as our neighborhood is not the safest to be outside in after dark, otherwise, I'd toss my toddler in a stroller and take a short jog.
I'm fretting because I want to lose more weight. I'd love to see 180 but I'm beginning to think that won't happen. I believe I can do it, but not if no one else believes it. Even my mom says I should be happy to be where I am, at 234-240 lbs (depending on the time of the month). I am happy, but I want to be happier. My blood pressure is back up again and I'm probably going to be back on bp meds soon.
I know it's all my own fault for letting myself fall into this and while I'd like to be strong like many of you and just pull myself up by the bootstraps and "go back to basics," I find myself slipping time and again. I need to go back to writing everything I eat down and counting calories. I know that right now, I get around 2200 a day, maybe a little more, so I'm maintaining, but not losing.
Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that I'm letting stress dictate my eating and while I understand my husband's attitude of "why buy something expensive just to see it sit in the corner," but I'd like the opportunity to be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and "go back to basics."
I know, pity party, party of one. :)
Thanks for listening.
Freedom
Jul 04, 2006
My loving husband got up this morning and together we scrubbed this house from top to bottom, cleaning out some old boxes, dishes, laundry, making beds, etc. All that's left is taking out garbage and vacuuming and that has to wait until our 2 yr old wakes from her nap.
Anyway, I found an old photo cd and decided to see what pics were on it. Many shots were of our old apartment but most were of me in the hospital, giving birth, the baby with her daddy and nana and me, etc. I remembered these scenes, not with fondness but with disgust though.
All the photos of our apartment showed a very messy place. Clutter, trash everywhere, things placed for convenience, etc. I was a very bad housekeeper and I know it. I was so huge that it hurt to stand at the sink and wash dishes. It hurt to try to run the vacuum cleaner, and forget picking something off the floor. I remember being very disgusted with myself at that time and afraid to leave the apartment because of the treatment I'd get from people oinking and mooing at me (yes, it happened, often).
And the photos from me giving birth? Again, I was disgusted. I was over 400 lbs, and remember that I just wanted this thing out of me so I could start losing weight properly. I was disgusted that I even thought that about my child. Even today I cry thinking that I ever thought bad things about my sweet little angel. Back then, once she was born, I wanted nothing to do with her. I didn't want to hold her, feed her, change her. I didn't want to listen to her crying when I was already so exhausted. I was afraid that my clumsiness would be fatal to her. I was so deep into depression and so heavy that I just wanted to die and let everyone else worry about her and let me rest for a change.
But we survived. Even after crushing two vertebrae in my back when my little one was only 2 months old. Even after being told by my dr that she wouldn't put me in for an MRI because all I needed to do was to get my fat A$$ up and walk (yes, she said that, and no, after that visit, she was no longer my dr), even after trying to get an MRI and being too large even for the large, open version of it. We survived. I was finally sent in for the surgery because I was told it was lose the weight or possibly become completely paralyzed by my weight and the back problems.
So I did it and now, 167 lbs later, I have a lot more energy. My house stays clean, my sweet toddler is happy and it shows. All those old photos show a messy house and a very, very large, very, very, unhappy woman.
Today, I stand up from rinsing my mouth out in the sink and am surprised by the beautiful woman in the mirror. I sometimes don't recognize myself and when I do, I can't remember who that fat woman in all the photos is. It's weird.
Even if I'm only losing 1 lb a week now, even if that stops and I'm "done" with the weight loss, I'm happy. I'm a success. I would do it all over again a million times for this new me.
With love for you all,
Tonya
Anyway, I found an old photo cd and decided to see what pics were on it. Many shots were of our old apartment but most were of me in the hospital, giving birth, the baby with her daddy and nana and me, etc. I remembered these scenes, not with fondness but with disgust though.
All the photos of our apartment showed a very messy place. Clutter, trash everywhere, things placed for convenience, etc. I was a very bad housekeeper and I know it. I was so huge that it hurt to stand at the sink and wash dishes. It hurt to try to run the vacuum cleaner, and forget picking something off the floor. I remember being very disgusted with myself at that time and afraid to leave the apartment because of the treatment I'd get from people oinking and mooing at me (yes, it happened, often).
And the photos from me giving birth? Again, I was disgusted. I was over 400 lbs, and remember that I just wanted this thing out of me so I could start losing weight properly. I was disgusted that I even thought that about my child. Even today I cry thinking that I ever thought bad things about my sweet little angel. Back then, once she was born, I wanted nothing to do with her. I didn't want to hold her, feed her, change her. I didn't want to listen to her crying when I was already so exhausted. I was afraid that my clumsiness would be fatal to her. I was so deep into depression and so heavy that I just wanted to die and let everyone else worry about her and let me rest for a change.
But we survived. Even after crushing two vertebrae in my back when my little one was only 2 months old. Even after being told by my dr that she wouldn't put me in for an MRI because all I needed to do was to get my fat A$$ up and walk (yes, she said that, and no, after that visit, she was no longer my dr), even after trying to get an MRI and being too large even for the large, open version of it. We survived. I was finally sent in for the surgery because I was told it was lose the weight or possibly become completely paralyzed by my weight and the back problems.
So I did it and now, 167 lbs later, I have a lot more energy. My house stays clean, my sweet toddler is happy and it shows. All those old photos show a messy house and a very, very large, very, very, unhappy woman.
Today, I stand up from rinsing my mouth out in the sink and am surprised by the beautiful woman in the mirror. I sometimes don't recognize myself and when I do, I can't remember who that fat woman in all the photos is. It's weird.
Even if I'm only losing 1 lb a week now, even if that stops and I'm "done" with the weight loss, I'm happy. I'm a success. I would do it all over again a million times for this new me.
With love for you all,
Tonya
Florida
Jun 24, 2006
Well, Florida was fun. :P
We went down on the 15th for our househunting and ended up getting an apt in the same complex we left 3 years ago, right across the road from hubby's best friend, who is also our daughter's godfather. It's a decent place, about $200 a month cheaper, same size and has a FULL SIZE washer/dryer instead of the rinky dink apt sized set we have now.
My mother had our toddler from Friday afternoon until Thursday afternoon and it was great being able to be motherless for a little while, although I thoroughly missed her and was glad to go get her. When we arrived at Nana's, she ran out the door screaming, Mommy, Daddy! and threw herself into her father's arms. After that point, she wouldn't let either of us out of her sight. LOL.
The ride home was great because we had the laptop and were able to keep her enterained by having one of us sitting in back with her, playing some of her favorite shows we had recorded onto DVDs.
I was begging for a butt pillow after a few hours in the car as my tailbone was screaming in pain and I was constantly shifting around to get a better position. The sleeping arrangements on the trip down and most of the trip itself were uncomfortable. While in Jacksonville, we stayed with the friend who put us on his sleeper sofa, which had a flattened mattress so you could feel the bars all night and then with all three of his roommates coming in and out at all hours, we barely got a wink.
Our last night before we picked up the monkey (our toddler, Samantha) we splurged and got a room at a plush hotel nearby that had a jacuzzi tub in the room, an incredibly, wonderfully soft bed, room service, and more. I had also splurged on some, um, discreet items, one of which was a pair of leather boots (black leather that laced all the way up, with platform bottoms and 6 inch heals). It was a GREAT night. And we have photos to prove it. LOL
I'm still losing a lb a week so I'm happy. I'm looking forward to being under 240 lbs soon. Today, I'm at 243, so it's slooooowly coming off. My main problem was that we cancelled our membership to the gym as we have become very busy with getting ready for our permanent move to FL in August. But I'm trying even now to get set up with a gym there to get back into my routine and get the loss going a bit faster.
Although I'd say 136 lbs in 10 months is nothing to sneeze out (or 162 lbs if you count before my liquid diet, which I do). So keep trucking people and hope to see at least some of you before our last day in 7 weeks!!!!!
Hugs and love,
Tonya
405/379/243/180 (high/surgery/current/goal) 5'5" (or 5'11" with my boots )
Now wearing size 18/20's!!!!!
-162 lbs from highest
-136 lbs from surgery
Only 63 lbs from my goal!
We went down on the 15th for our househunting and ended up getting an apt in the same complex we left 3 years ago, right across the road from hubby's best friend, who is also our daughter's godfather. It's a decent place, about $200 a month cheaper, same size and has a FULL SIZE washer/dryer instead of the rinky dink apt sized set we have now.
My mother had our toddler from Friday afternoon until Thursday afternoon and it was great being able to be motherless for a little while, although I thoroughly missed her and was glad to go get her. When we arrived at Nana's, she ran out the door screaming, Mommy, Daddy! and threw herself into her father's arms. After that point, she wouldn't let either of us out of her sight. LOL.
The ride home was great because we had the laptop and were able to keep her enterained by having one of us sitting in back with her, playing some of her favorite shows we had recorded onto DVDs.
I was begging for a butt pillow after a few hours in the car as my tailbone was screaming in pain and I was constantly shifting around to get a better position. The sleeping arrangements on the trip down and most of the trip itself were uncomfortable. While in Jacksonville, we stayed with the friend who put us on his sleeper sofa, which had a flattened mattress so you could feel the bars all night and then with all three of his roommates coming in and out at all hours, we barely got a wink.
Our last night before we picked up the monkey (our toddler, Samantha) we splurged and got a room at a plush hotel nearby that had a jacuzzi tub in the room, an incredibly, wonderfully soft bed, room service, and more. I had also splurged on some, um, discreet items, one of which was a pair of leather boots (black leather that laced all the way up, with platform bottoms and 6 inch heals). It was a GREAT night. And we have photos to prove it. LOL
I'm still losing a lb a week so I'm happy. I'm looking forward to being under 240 lbs soon. Today, I'm at 243, so it's slooooowly coming off. My main problem was that we cancelled our membership to the gym as we have become very busy with getting ready for our permanent move to FL in August. But I'm trying even now to get set up with a gym there to get back into my routine and get the loss going a bit faster.
Although I'd say 136 lbs in 10 months is nothing to sneeze out (or 162 lbs if you count before my liquid diet, which I do). So keep trucking people and hope to see at least some of you before our last day in 7 weeks!!!!!
Hugs and love,
Tonya
405/379/243/180 (high/surgery/current/goal) 5'5" (or 5'11" with my boots )
Now wearing size 18/20's!!!!!
-162 lbs from highest
-136 lbs from surgery
Only 63 lbs from my goal!
Otani
May 26, 2006
Today, my husband, toddler, and I went to Otani Japanese Steakhouse on Laskin Rd in Virginia Beach and met up with Leilani, Carole, Christine, Eileen, and Wendy. We had a wonderful time and Lei took some great shots of all of us. The close up shot she took of my face is awesome! I still stare at it in amazement that I looked so good. I know it's vanity, but wow!
I used to look at before and after photos and know I'd never look so good. Now, I look at my before photos and am amazed how huge I really was.
I feel great and I feel thinner. I know I'm not "thin" but it's a great feeling. This is the lowest weight I've ever been that I can remember and I'm still in a sort of shock.
God is awesome and I thank Him every day that this happened for me.
Tonya
I used to look at before and after photos and know I'd never look so good. Now, I look at my before photos and am amazed how huge I really was.
I feel great and I feel thinner. I know I'm not "thin" but it's a great feeling. This is the lowest weight I've ever been that I can remember and I'm still in a sort of shock.
God is awesome and I thank Him every day that this happened for me.
Tonya
Success?
Apr 15, 2006
My BMI was 63.1 on surgery day. I was 405 the month before when I started the liquid diet. Now, I'm 252 lbs as of this morning. Yes, I'm still large. Yes, I still get called "fat."
But I'm still a success. I've lost weight; I work out now; I eat better; I no longer have diabetes or high blood pressure. We're saving so much money because we don't spend tons at fast food restaurants anymore and I eat so little at regular places that my 2 yr old and I share a kids meal.
I'm a success. Just because someone started out smaller and reached goal faster...just because someone was huge and lost tons of weight...just because someone doesn't need plastic surgery afterwards, none of this means you're a success.
You're a success if you're happy with what you've accomplished and have gotten healthier as a result.
I am a success! I'll never go below a size 12; I accept that. I'll never fall in the "normal" weight category; I accept that too. My surgeon told me I'd never get below 220 lbs but that is yet to be seen.
But by God's grace, I AM A SUCCESS!!!
Hugs,
Tonya
405/379/252/180 (high/surgery/current/goal) 5'5"
-153 lbs from high
-127 lbs from surgery
8 months out!
But I'm still a success. I've lost weight; I work out now; I eat better; I no longer have diabetes or high blood pressure. We're saving so much money because we don't spend tons at fast food restaurants anymore and I eat so little at regular places that my 2 yr old and I share a kids meal.
I'm a success. Just because someone started out smaller and reached goal faster...just because someone was huge and lost tons of weight...just because someone doesn't need plastic surgery afterwards, none of this means you're a success.
You're a success if you're happy with what you've accomplished and have gotten healthier as a result.
I am a success! I'll never go below a size 12; I accept that. I'll never fall in the "normal" weight category; I accept that too. My surgeon told me I'd never get below 220 lbs but that is yet to be seen.
But by God's grace, I AM A SUCCESS!!!
Hugs,
Tonya
405/379/252/180 (high/surgery/current/goal) 5'5"
-153 lbs from high
-127 lbs from surgery
8 months out!
7 Months Out
Mar 23, 2006
Okay, so it was 7 months but here goes.
I got to see Dr. Brooks, who seemed like a very nice man to me. *Shrug*
According to their scales, I'm down to 265.8 lbs, which is 113 lbs from my surgery weight of 379 and 139 lbs from my highest of 405. My home scale says 258 and I'd love to believe that first of all. LOL.
Anyway, with my "ideal weight" being 130 lbs, I've lost 47% of my excess weight and he said that's awesome because most people only lose 65% of it. So that would only get me down to 217 lbs. I told him my goal is 180lbs but that's 80% of my excess and he said not to get my hopes up too high.
He also told me that I'd be a good candidate for the tummy tuck at 18 months out because of all the excess skin he saw. I also showed him my "alien baby." That's the little pooch that sticks out in the center just below my ribcage when I stand up. He said it's probably from a weakness in the abdominal wall and that when I have my tummy tuck, they'll probably do a full abdomniaplasty (spelling) and tighten those muscles there as well to get rid of that pooch. Yay!
My labs are great, except my iron, for which I'm taking the liquid iron suppliments now, with Vit C to help absorb it better. My cholesterol is down to 113 from the 166 before surgery. LOL.
I ran into Jen while I was wandering the hospital. (Hubby had an appt at Oceana at the same time as my appt in Portsmouth, so he dropped me and Samantha off and came back for us when his was finished.) She's looking great. She's happier and is only concerned by her iron still being low, but it's slowly rising up again.
Anyway, I'll be transferring to Jacksonville, FL, after August of this
year, so I'll just have to keep posting and send photos later in life.
LOL.
This surgery is sooooo worth it!
Things that have changed in the past 7 months:
I can walk upstairs to our apt without hacking up a lung or soaking my clothes with sweat.
I can play on the floor with my toddler and am able to get up without help from firemen. LOL.
No more BP meds.
No more diabetes meds.
No more knee pain.
Back pain is almost completely gone.
I can clean my house in one straight sweep instead of in 30 minute
intervals. LOL.
Much more, but I need to get back to laundry.
Love,
Tonya
I got to see Dr. Brooks, who seemed like a very nice man to me. *Shrug*
According to their scales, I'm down to 265.8 lbs, which is 113 lbs from my surgery weight of 379 and 139 lbs from my highest of 405. My home scale says 258 and I'd love to believe that first of all. LOL.
Anyway, with my "ideal weight" being 130 lbs, I've lost 47% of my excess weight and he said that's awesome because most people only lose 65% of it. So that would only get me down to 217 lbs. I told him my goal is 180lbs but that's 80% of my excess and he said not to get my hopes up too high.
He also told me that I'd be a good candidate for the tummy tuck at 18 months out because of all the excess skin he saw. I also showed him my "alien baby." That's the little pooch that sticks out in the center just below my ribcage when I stand up. He said it's probably from a weakness in the abdominal wall and that when I have my tummy tuck, they'll probably do a full abdomniaplasty (spelling) and tighten those muscles there as well to get rid of that pooch. Yay!
My labs are great, except my iron, for which I'm taking the liquid iron suppliments now, with Vit C to help absorb it better. My cholesterol is down to 113 from the 166 before surgery. LOL.
I ran into Jen while I was wandering the hospital. (Hubby had an appt at Oceana at the same time as my appt in Portsmouth, so he dropped me and Samantha off and came back for us when his was finished.) She's looking great. She's happier and is only concerned by her iron still being low, but it's slowly rising up again.
Anyway, I'll be transferring to Jacksonville, FL, after August of this
year, so I'll just have to keep posting and send photos later in life.
LOL.
This surgery is sooooo worth it!
Things that have changed in the past 7 months:
I can walk upstairs to our apt without hacking up a lung or soaking my clothes with sweat.
I can play on the floor with my toddler and am able to get up without help from firemen. LOL.
No more BP meds.
No more diabetes meds.
No more knee pain.
Back pain is almost completely gone.
I can clean my house in one straight sweep instead of in 30 minute
intervals. LOL.
Much more, but I need to get back to laundry.
Love,
Tonya
Another Stall...
Feb 21, 2006
Okay, here it is. My six month appt is approaching this Friday, the 24th, and I'm on another stall. :P I lost a few lbs here and there but it seems like I'm not getting anywhere. I HAVE started working out at the local YMCA 3-5 days a week now though. I do 15-20 minutes on the bike, then 1 circuit of 5 machines for weight lifting. So while I'm dropping fat, I'm building muscle. I do wonder though that if I did more cardio and dropped the weights, would I lose faster? Eh, either way. I feel great.
I'm still tired a lot but I also think that may be from not taking my vitamins like i'm supposed to. I'm on liquid iron suppliments now and Vit C because my iron was so low on my labs, so we'll see once I see the dr on Friday. I'll try to remember to post again afterwards.
My mother and stepdad came to visit from Florida this past weekend for my daughter's 2nd birthday. They spent a few hundred dollars on our toddler and trashed our house. Bah. My mother gets very anal about her home but when she comes to visit me, she thinks nothing of leaving plates laying around and trash all over the place. I do love her but she's mental. LOL.
My toddler is getting better at being a "big girl." She still won't use the potty, but she says "Pleez", "Tank Choo", and "sowwy". :) She has actually slept through the night once this month and I was amazed! I think the only reason she did though was because she was truly exhausted. She only slept a few hours on Friday night because my parents' flight came in around 1am and she was awake until 4am and up by 9am, and then missed her nap on Saturday and only slept from midnight to 7am on Sat night. So Sunday night, after Nana and Papa were dropped off at the airport, she slept soundly. Does this mean I need to keep her awake three straight days to get her to sleep through the night? LOL. No, I'd never do that, although sometimes I'd love more than 5 hours of sleep myself. :)
Hugs and see you in the future,
Tonya
I'm still tired a lot but I also think that may be from not taking my vitamins like i'm supposed to. I'm on liquid iron suppliments now and Vit C because my iron was so low on my labs, so we'll see once I see the dr on Friday. I'll try to remember to post again afterwards.
My mother and stepdad came to visit from Florida this past weekend for my daughter's 2nd birthday. They spent a few hundred dollars on our toddler and trashed our house. Bah. My mother gets very anal about her home but when she comes to visit me, she thinks nothing of leaving plates laying around and trash all over the place. I do love her but she's mental. LOL.
My toddler is getting better at being a "big girl." She still won't use the potty, but she says "Pleez", "Tank Choo", and "sowwy". :) She has actually slept through the night once this month and I was amazed! I think the only reason she did though was because she was truly exhausted. She only slept a few hours on Friday night because my parents' flight came in around 1am and she was awake until 4am and up by 9am, and then missed her nap on Saturday and only slept from midnight to 7am on Sat night. So Sunday night, after Nana and Papa were dropped off at the airport, she slept soundly. Does this mean I need to keep her awake three straight days to get her to sleep through the night? LOL. No, I'd never do that, although sometimes I'd love more than 5 hours of sleep myself. :)
Hugs and see you in the future,
Tonya
6 months
Jan 22, 2006
Here I am, nearing the 6 month mark for my surgery. I have four weeks left until my appt with my surgeon to check on my progress. This has caused me to look back over myself and everything that I've done and gone through for the past year or so and I've had a few revelations that boggle my mind.
1. Before surgery, I could put away a large stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut, a 2 ltr of soda, and an order of cinnamon sticks in two hours or less, depending on what I was doing at the time. *After surgery, I can't stomach more than half a slice of pizza before I become full. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked. On my stomach.
2. Before surgery, I hated salads and only wanted sweets and chips and could spend $20 in a convenience store for a 20 minute trip across town. *After surgery, I do have sugar free hard candies in my fridge, but I eat no more than 3 a day (one of which I half with my toddler) and I have microwave pork rinds instead of chips, but I no longer spend money for the crap that I used to. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my taste buds.
3. Before surgery, I was wearing a size 6x in shirts and pants and felt absolutely miserable all the time with back problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. *After surgery, I'm now in a size 24 jeans (yay!), 2x top and no more diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. I still have minor back issues, but I still have 100+ lbs to come off. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my body.
4. Before surgery, I rarely went out and cried any time I had to leave the house without my husband to protect me from "mean" people. *After surgery, as we're down to one vehicle, I ask for time with the car and go out shopping alone and smile at people and talk to strangers (dangerous, right? LOL), etc. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my self-image.
5. Before surgery, I refused to get on a scale because I was afraid to see if the numbers had hit 400 yet. I hated buying new clothes because "nothing" would fit me. *After surgery, I'm a slave to my scale, climbing on at least once a day if it's good to me, and at least 4 times a day if it's not. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my paranoia (just in a different way, lol).
6. Before surgery, I ate junk food and fast food and craved more. *After surgery, I can't stand the thought of McDonald's (gag) and even going to Wendy's, all I ever get is the chili. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my eating habits.
There is no number 7 because that would be my Way of Thinking. Surgery couldn't help that because that's something I have to change on my own and it hasn't been easy. I still have the mindset that if it doesn't taste good or look appetizing, my throat shuts down and I can't swallow it. I still have the mindset that I should be able to eat like everyone else, that I should be able to do what everyone else does. And this gets me into trouble.
Over Christmas/New Year holidays, I had a crappy time (previous post) and while I lost a few pounds at my SIL's house because there was nothing for me to eat at all, as soon as we got home, I started stuffing myself (not as full, but with the same gusto) as I used to when I got stressed out before surgery. And yes, I stopped losing and actually gained 5 lbs back. Gasp!
Well, I got a handle on it before it got too out of hand and that 5 lbs is coming off again, but I've discovered I'm tired of this restricted diet. I'm tired of always having to eat meat first or stay away from the ice cream or decline the cake. But all in all, this leads to the biggest revelation of all: If I had it all to do over again, would I still have the surgery?
Oh yeah! I take my daughter to play in the park all the time now. We dance in the living room at night. We can sit in the same recliner with her sitting beside not on top of me. My husband is so much more attentive, etc. I would go through hell for this time of happiness, of feeling like I'm becoming "normal."
Even if it's all an illusion and I never get to my goal, I"ll have had this wonderful time and I won't regret it. But I do need friends. Someone who can understand that I may be manic depressive. That there are days when I'm all happy and ready to chat and others where I don't want to have anything to do with the world, I don't want to talk or email or even be happy for anyone else. The only person I've found like that so far is my husband, but I'd like others to talk to.
With love,
Tonya Brown
1. Before surgery, I could put away a large stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut, a 2 ltr of soda, and an order of cinnamon sticks in two hours or less, depending on what I was doing at the time. *After surgery, I can't stomach more than half a slice of pizza before I become full. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked. On my stomach.
2. Before surgery, I hated salads and only wanted sweets and chips and could spend $20 in a convenience store for a 20 minute trip across town. *After surgery, I do have sugar free hard candies in my fridge, but I eat no more than 3 a day (one of which I half with my toddler) and I have microwave pork rinds instead of chips, but I no longer spend money for the crap that I used to. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my taste buds.
3. Before surgery, I was wearing a size 6x in shirts and pants and felt absolutely miserable all the time with back problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. *After surgery, I'm now in a size 24 jeans (yay!), 2x top and no more diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. I still have minor back issues, but I still have 100+ lbs to come off. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my body.
4. Before surgery, I rarely went out and cried any time I had to leave the house without my husband to protect me from "mean" people. *After surgery, as we're down to one vehicle, I ask for time with the car and go out shopping alone and smile at people and talk to strangers (dangerous, right? LOL), etc. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my self-image.
5. Before surgery, I refused to get on a scale because I was afraid to see if the numbers had hit 400 yet. I hated buying new clothes because "nothing" would fit me. *After surgery, I'm a slave to my scale, climbing on at least once a day if it's good to me, and at least 4 times a day if it's not. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my paranoia (just in a different way, lol).
6. Before surgery, I ate junk food and fast food and craved more. *After surgery, I can't stand the thought of McDonald's (gag) and even going to Wendy's, all I ever get is the chili. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my eating habits.
There is no number 7 because that would be my Way of Thinking. Surgery couldn't help that because that's something I have to change on my own and it hasn't been easy. I still have the mindset that if it doesn't taste good or look appetizing, my throat shuts down and I can't swallow it. I still have the mindset that I should be able to eat like everyone else, that I should be able to do what everyone else does. And this gets me into trouble.
Over Christmas/New Year holidays, I had a crappy time (previous post) and while I lost a few pounds at my SIL's house because there was nothing for me to eat at all, as soon as we got home, I started stuffing myself (not as full, but with the same gusto) as I used to when I got stressed out before surgery. And yes, I stopped losing and actually gained 5 lbs back. Gasp!
Well, I got a handle on it before it got too out of hand and that 5 lbs is coming off again, but I've discovered I'm tired of this restricted diet. I'm tired of always having to eat meat first or stay away from the ice cream or decline the cake. But all in all, this leads to the biggest revelation of all: If I had it all to do over again, would I still have the surgery?
Oh yeah! I take my daughter to play in the park all the time now. We dance in the living room at night. We can sit in the same recliner with her sitting beside not on top of me. My husband is so much more attentive, etc. I would go through hell for this time of happiness, of feeling like I'm becoming "normal."
Even if it's all an illusion and I never get to my goal, I"ll have had this wonderful time and I won't regret it. But I do need friends. Someone who can understand that I may be manic depressive. That there are days when I'm all happy and ready to chat and others where I don't want to have anything to do with the world, I don't want to talk or email or even be happy for anyone else. The only person I've found like that so far is my husband, but I'd like others to talk to.
With love,
Tonya Brown
skinny
Jan 13, 2006
I have never, ever been "skinny" and I'm a long way from what I consider skinny, but this morning, I am glowing!
I started this journey at 405 lbs, wearing 6x-7x pants. Today, less than 5 months out, I am wearing my husband's jogging pants! He's military so is in fairly good shape. His waist is 42 and these jogging pants are a bit stretched out, but wow!
I'm down from 6x pants to size 24s!!! I'm so excited. The lowest I ever remember being is in 24s at age 17, at 260 lbs.
Thanks for letting me share.
Tonya
I started this journey at 405 lbs, wearing 6x-7x pants. Today, less than 5 months out, I am wearing my husband's jogging pants! He's military so is in fairly good shape. His waist is 42 and these jogging pants are a bit stretched out, but wow!
I'm down from 6x pants to size 24s!!! I'm so excited. The lowest I ever remember being is in 24s at age 17, at 260 lbs.
Thanks for letting me share.
Tonya
Yuck
Jan 02, 2006
Okay, we're back from the absolute worst holiday vacation we've ever taken.
We left on the 28th and got back on the 1st, a day earlier than planned. We were guilted into staying even that long.
The basic list so as not to be so long:
1. The sleep arrangements were horrible; backaches, sore necks, no actual rest.
2. The timing was terrible; we were the only ones with a child under teenage years so no one else wanted to be up when she was up and thought I was anti-social for going to bed with her at 9pm as always while they all partied until midnight 1am.
3. The hostess, a wls patient herself, went back to smoking. Her husband and my mother in law and most of the guests smoked, which I didn't want for me or my daughter but the response when I asked them to not smoke around her, "It's my house, you don't have to be here, you know."
4. The food; even as she was a wls patient herself from 2000, everything she served was either very greasy or just as fattening as the crap I used to eat before my surgery. No healthy alternatives. And the only liquids in the house were alcohol, whole milk (I can't do milk), and bottled water that was bought for me to drink and everyone else kept drinking so that I maybe drank 3 20oz bottles of water (no other liquids) the whole trip.
5. The atmosphere; New Years Eve, even though they invited us and demanded we bring Samantha, our toddler, I was told to my face, "We may get loud and raunchy and with the drinking, I ain't being responsible for anything that happens so you may not want to be here."
6. New Years Eve; that morning, hubby's grandfather died.
And with the hostess and her friend whispering about me around corners, even though I could hear them, we decided to say our goodbyes and hauled butt. It was husband's family, but as he says, "I pick my wife and child over them any day." Gotta love that man.
Folks, please remember that what you say and do does affect other
people. You come first in your own life, but remember not to exclude everyone else.
I still lost weight while we were there though. I'm now down to 285
lbs. I'll read all emails and get caught up when I get the chance.
Love and peace in this new year,
Tonya Brown and Family
We left on the 28th and got back on the 1st, a day earlier than planned. We were guilted into staying even that long.
The basic list so as not to be so long:
1. The sleep arrangements were horrible; backaches, sore necks, no actual rest.
2. The timing was terrible; we were the only ones with a child under teenage years so no one else wanted to be up when she was up and thought I was anti-social for going to bed with her at 9pm as always while they all partied until midnight 1am.
3. The hostess, a wls patient herself, went back to smoking. Her husband and my mother in law and most of the guests smoked, which I didn't want for me or my daughter but the response when I asked them to not smoke around her, "It's my house, you don't have to be here, you know."
4. The food; even as she was a wls patient herself from 2000, everything she served was either very greasy or just as fattening as the crap I used to eat before my surgery. No healthy alternatives. And the only liquids in the house were alcohol, whole milk (I can't do milk), and bottled water that was bought for me to drink and everyone else kept drinking so that I maybe drank 3 20oz bottles of water (no other liquids) the whole trip.
5. The atmosphere; New Years Eve, even though they invited us and demanded we bring Samantha, our toddler, I was told to my face, "We may get loud and raunchy and with the drinking, I ain't being responsible for anything that happens so you may not want to be here."
6. New Years Eve; that morning, hubby's grandfather died.
And with the hostess and her friend whispering about me around corners, even though I could hear them, we decided to say our goodbyes and hauled butt. It was husband's family, but as he says, "I pick my wife and child over them any day." Gotta love that man.
Folks, please remember that what you say and do does affect other
people. You come first in your own life, but remember not to exclude everyone else.
I still lost weight while we were there though. I'm now down to 285
lbs. I'll read all emails and get caught up when I get the chance.
Love and peace in this new year,
Tonya Brown and Family
