Ms_Swoosh

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I lost weight, and had skin removed from stomach (it was a good choice, I feel better about me).  I have since gained back 10lbs and to be honest have not really worked to get rid of it....My world fell apart, I was moved from working in a classroom that I loved and felt valued to one that I feel like ittle more than a babysitter.  (Someone that doesnt like me for reasons I dont even know did this to me).  I am at a different school with different people with MUCH different work ethic than I have....its very depressing.  I do little more than feed children and show videos most of the day, trapped in a room with just students and TAs. (one several years older than me and one several years younger than me) doesnt leave much to talk about... get pretty discouraging. My boyfriend proposed and I said yes...I mean he actually wants to take care of me, I do wish he would say positive things to me...heck I wish anyone would...I never see anyone of my friends (they mostly work at the other school), and all Steve and I do is go out to eat...alot....  I decided that I would plunge self into wedding stuff right after christmas to give me something happy to do and look forward to... BAM  BAM....block after block...But did find a church that will work...and a venue that will work for reception and caterer (neither are as I envisioned them) I started dress hunting January, and thought okay as long as I order by March I should be fine right? Pfft....apparently even if getting married at the end of June its TOO LATE to order anything....I will be wearing something that I find on a rack....Im not really irritated that it comes off the rack...its the hunting and finding that frustrates me....These dresses are $350-UP ANd then you have to hem, and alter, and put bustle (thing to hold train up for reception)   okay I can do this I tell myself I will get friends to help me and we will rock this OUT!  Two of my bridesmaids (the two that live local) went with me to a local dress place....it was okay...but nothing really stood out...and then I had this strange feeling like I was being cheated somehow...I tend to trust my gut...so I walked away without a dress.  I looked up 5 other places and traveled there only to find that they are no longer in business....after an online search I found a place in Charlotte with the LOVELY word WAREHOUSE in their name...BOOM! Gotta be something there....I go in...its a wonderful place (I can only stay a min because groom is out in car and I just wanted to see if worth coming back to).  I go out and tell him it is a great place and start texting people that have offered to come dress hunting with me....no one is available.  I try again on Monday (they are closed on Sunday) no one will go with me....ice sets in and the rest of the week is shot.  While at school (my new job) I decided idk, maybe I could invite one of the people that I have met here that I am forming friendship with....everyone had reasons why they couldn't join me... my favorite..... "Charlotte?   OH MY no, I never drive that far from home."  ....sigh  I so am not enjoying this....

So I sit here on a Saturday....waiting for Steve to get up (yes I spend my weekend morning alone too...) so we can keep an appointment for a registry (that doesn't even matter, l don't expect anything from anyone at this point) at a place where more people I dont know wont talk to me or care that I am so done with everything. Another day alone...another day of being sad....another day without a dress...another day that I am NOT enjoying the process and if one more person asks me...ah don't you just LOVE being a bride...I think I will choke them.   

And to think, Im Swoosh...Im suppose to be the happy one...

  I have had great success with my band, food choices, and  workouts I do at the gym (band doesn't get all the credit for my journey). I mean I am less than half the girl I once was so that's pretty nice.  Still like so many I look in the mirror and and wish the skin were tighter or the girls didn't decide to become bowling ball bags and sag in the middle...

But most days I just go through my day and do what I do...I don't tend to dwell on the things that have not changed yet, but they do cross my mind when I see someone with more of what I want to look like... (generally she is about 20 and has obviously never given birth)...ANYHOW

Steve's sisters family is visiting from Conn. and I had several trips planned for us, 
Sunday we went to Concord Mall (its a nice big mile long mall), 
Monday we went Laptop hunting for my son for the better part of the day (Stan is a comp junky and was able to get Joey a great machine), 
Tuesday we went to the Zoo and walked all day. 
Wednesday was the family reunion that we had at my house since I have the acre back yard for everyone, 
Thursday we hit Carowinds to walk around and hit the coasters and waterpark, 
Friday we drove to the beach and spent the day at Myrtle Beach walking and swimming in the ocean.  

Today is Saturday and our company is gone....and I just realized something...the old Swoosh would not have been able to walk all those places or ride on those coasters or have even CONSIDERED putting on that swimsuit and walking around in front of all those people...I mean what would they think?   

LOL oh ya that's right...NEW SWOOSH doesn't care what they think...and spent no time dwelling on how different she is or isn't from everyone else.  She walked and talked around the animals with her son, boyfriend, and extended family.  She had 42 people at her home and wasn't worried about how much she ate in front of them.  She rode all the big coasters and NOT once had a problem fitting in the seats! She swam at the waterpark and didn't feel out of place.  She walked the two mile trail at the zoo and granted her knees hurt a bit when done but after the knee injuries and surgeries....acceptable...the knees held up and I was able to do it!  Walked the beach all day, laid on the sand, swam in the ocean and flirted with Steve....it was very nice :)

Have I lost any weight this week...you know I don't know....but I know my confidence is doing better :)   Going shopping today for things to rebuild a wall in my barn and might hit the drive-in tonight :)    Its been a very nice week :)



....just keep swimming
Swoosh

Not doing so great these days, many outside stresses keeping me down and worn-out.   My band was giving me a horrible time first part of the year, it was like it was too tight but when I called Dr to see about having some removed he told me I didn't need any removed it was all but empty now.  My problems continued, I went in and he again refused to take some out, but wanted me to come to hospital in a week for fluro, ($800 plus the $200 for the visit the previous week he did nothing)  So I go for the fluro, he says its a "little slip"  and has a pocket but he will only take out 1/2 cc.  I tell him lets just drain it so that it can go back like its suppose to. (I love my band but I want it right and willing to do what I need to in order to get it there.)  So he looks at me very seriously and says... we cant do that, you'll get fat.  FAT GIRL PANIC set in okay okay...just do what we need to do.  I ask him what we do if this doesn't work...he says only option is to remove the band.   (Yes I know he is wrong, but at the time it was crushing.)

So I continued with life and stresses, and working to make things be right.  I tried to continue living, I even saw a plastic surgeon thinking hey lets get rid of the skin you hate so much that will really help you feel better....($18000) :(  I don't have 18k nor do I dare get a loan for 18k as my student loans come due in a few months.  So I sit here lost my drive for the gym (I mean why bother, I'm only gaining weight because of the limited things I can eat,) I have to time my driving to throw up at red lights if I have dared to eat anything that might randomly sit poorly, and I'm steadily getting fatter....gaining my weight back and to sad to even go try to find a Dr that will even take over my care.  (I doubt people want to help someone already having issues without running a zillion tests, I dont have money for that, I am doing well to support my family atm)

I am trying to motivate self to go to gym like I did for so long, I'm sick of being alone there but none of my gym buddies have lasted....and my best friend hates the gym.  I am trying to find the desire to eat exactly the right things, but it is so very hard when so much of that causes burning in my throat and vomiting.  I think maybe the pouch thing is getting better as I am able to eat more now but still its a struggle.  LOL, today as i write this its 9am, I have had nothing more than a sip of water to take some Tylenol about hour ago, and I just had to throw up about cup and half of water with specks of blood....I just want to cry..... Thought about posting in the website forum and looking for support but I really cant take the negative band haters that would attack me right now....I don't blame the band...I blame Swoosh.  Its really not fair...I truly do try but I am so tired at this point....

This is long and whiny...but its for me and its all true and all about me, so its not like Im talking negative about anyone else.

...just keep swimming

My ex husband died this morning..... he had 2 heart attacks...they were able to revive from the first but not the second..  my three boys are now without a father....and even though he was not a great man or even a good man...he was still their dad....  I am now having to be super woman, being loving to my boys, accepting of my ex's 4th wife's grief, supporting my ex mother in law so she she doesn't get "upset" and raise her blood pressure, deal with my oldest son bringing a LESS than desire able girl with him and try to keep my relationship good with Steve....who I am not even 100% about anymore...and all I want to do is go to the gym, sit in the steam room and cry....cry for my boys, cry for all the yrs I have lost, cry for how sad my son is making me by becoming so serious with this girl (she is niece to an ex-friend of mine that I left because she left her family for a different man)  But I'm not allowed to cry or be sad or hurt or anything...it feels like when the boys were little and I first escaped my ex.....i worked during week as sub teacher and weekends as waitress...and I had figured it out...I could cry from 1am until 230am and have my face "unpuffy" by time to open the restaurant on Saturday....now I could only do that on Fridays because otherwise the boys would hear me.......right now...I don't even know when the next "Friday" night is coming....just feels like I'm not allowed to feel.  Steve is supportive and will help me do things..but as far as comfort and making me feel like its okay....not so much....he will clean or do anything I ask him.....except talk to me about how I feel.....not sure why writing this....I'm gonna go make pies...cant eat them....but I can bake them.... I feel so bad for my boys and HATE that I cant fix it....  ...barely swimming

Doing okay with food, not really as tempted as I would have thought would be at this point...even though it IS that lovely time of the month.... I am finding I am eating more like I should be eating before my problems started and with the fact that I still need to monitor my carbs, I am doing okay. :)  I went today and finally bought some clothes that fit (again) because everything was too big...  Pants are size 4!!!!  THATS RIGHT A FOUR ... :)  Granted Jeans sizes still vary up a size or two because of ...well idk why but they do....but you know what...I'm okay with that. :) ITS NOT A 30!!!!!  :)  A girl from work wants to join me at gym to get in shape and lose some weight....she has come every day this week with me, (I was gentle)    She is smiling much more now and seems much happier...I think its doing her some good even if she never loses an ounce. (But I hope she does because its nice to see her happy.)   ......just keep swimming :)

Been quite awhile since I have wrote anything. Its been a harsh season for me (this past winter).  Bad date after bad date...some not so bad exactly...just not compatible but still I am single none the less with my birthday coming up...not that I mind being single on my birthday its more the idea of being single AND another year older....  but its a minor issue.

A more major issue, my band has slipped.  I was throwing up for weeks and didn't go...wasn't a stubborn issue it was more an issue of money, life took a harsh crunch there for a bit and I was more concerned with power for my home and food for my boy. But I did go last Thursday the Dr said he thought the band had slipped and wanted to do fluro to see....the degree I was throwing up was not cool, he said there was little reason I was even able to function, the next day we went to the hospital for the fluro and after not even being able to hold down the dye stuff...I had to have the fluid taken out of it.

People say I should be careful because now I can eat as much as anyone else. I am not finding this to be true.....idk, maybe still really swollen?  Had the fluid taken out Friday (6 days ago). Good news is I am no longer throwing up every 5 Min's... still sorta have discomfort when eat...but its not so rough, I'm thinking maybe its actually the skin of the stomach being pulled back through the loose band with the food (I can think that if I want too!)  The hope is that in one month I go back in for fills and the stomach is fine..problem is that in order to check that I would have to do fluro again which is a hospital visit and another $500 Dr bill....so we will have to see about that one...if I feel fine I might put the fluro off unless I find an issue.  I have decided to use this time to hydrate myself like nobodys business!! I mean I am drinking water like a camel. I refuse to touch a soda, figure they are still poison, I did eat a donut.... and 3 grapes. 

I wish people wouldn't say, "well be careful you don't want to get fat again..." They need to shut it!  Sorry that sounds harsh, but I am the one that did the work the last two years, I am the one that made the sacrifices and changed things to do better, the last thing I need is for someone to try to put a bug in my ear about getting big again....I guess its one of those things they don't understand unless they have been there...I mean do you say to your alcoholic friends...now be careful driving pass the gas stations, they sell beer there...  idk, guess I'm tired from the workout today...

I had slacked off my workouts to 5 days a week because I was feeling faint from eating so little and all the throwing up, so now that I'm not throwing up we are back on a 7 day schedule and I am upping the pot some, back in the weight room three days a week instead of just the water aerobics each day.    A girl from work wants to join me so I figure it will help some. I mean I go and work out but having someone there does help some, granted people don't tend to last more than a month or so....but hey that's a month of someone to chat with, and I do love to chat  :) 

I have decided that when I go back in a month everything will be great, band will be as it should and life will go on as normal.  I have the money saved up to look into plastics and I am ready to get rid of this skin and being DONE :)   Its going to happen :)

Such a happy time of year
Filled with love and joy and cheer

Hugging friends and sharing smiles
This little gift comes across the miles.

It's just a tiny gift, but it's meant just for you
Sent with Christmas blessings in all that you do.

May your blessings be many and your burdens be light
May you have the love of family and friends all through the night

May your table be full with plenty to eat
May your path be level under your feet,

May your pockets have coin to provide for your needs
May your comments be positive and plant a good seed,

May your heart be good and full of great joy
May your smile be bright for each girl and boy.

May your blessing be flowing for all too see
May you always remember what you mean to me. 

 

Made this post in forums, saving it here for look back on and laugh.

Friday night I was following someone to go and meet their family, sitting there in my car was one chocolate eyeball a student had handed me earlier that day (Halloween candy).  Hmmm  you know what Swoosh...its one eyeball...its like 4 m&ms in size.... you can have that...THIS TIME..... so I pick up the eyeball and start peeling it....I peel off the blue eyeball paper then the purple eyeball paper and pop the chocolate in my mouth...  (feeling guilty but still enjoying the chocolate taste)  Then BAM!  Blue lights behind me...ITS THE POLICE!! I throw on the flashers and pull to the side. I do a quick brain check...okay interior lights on, hands at wheel, make sure skirt isn't to hiked up from driving, eyeball to be sure have purse with me.... okay...all is good.

He comes to the window..."Do you know why I stopped you?"   Okay brain dead me....all I could think was great if he doesn't know we are BOTH in trouble....  but I replied "uh no not really" Mental check....wasn't speeding, wasn't on phone..   He looks at me and says, "You crossed the line twice when I followed you, have you been drinking?   "No sir." (Okay see here I am kicking myself on the inside...you know WHY I crossed the line? Unwrapping that confounded candy...but I cant tell him that)

See here the plot thickens....the gent that I am following gets out of his truck and starts asking, why did you stop her? what did she do? You must not know who she is. Why did you stop her?  The officer is telling him over and over to get in his truck..which he isnt doing... and the voices are louder and louder... (I dont like yelling, it scares me) Finally John gets back in his truck and I tell hte officer please dont judge me based on him.  He assures me that he isnt, He asks to see my license...so I open my wallet and hand him a card...  He looks at the card smiles then hands it back to me and says... No, the OTHER piece of plastic.    (Dear Lord...I had handed the man my Visa....)   (Great Now I'm BRIBING police)  I hand him my license and tell him sorry....its habit to hand over the other one, no one ever wants to see my license..... I thought I would die.... lol

My friends tease me and tell me next time try to bribe someone I need to keep cash around...I am getting LOTS of joke texts and emails from friends offering advice for the next time I get stopped ...

LOL good news is no ticket....

Moral of this story?  If someone gives you a chocolate eyeball, get rid of it asap so you don't end up giving your VISA to the one person that doesn't want it lol

If going to meet someones family....make sure they dont have issues with jumping out yelling at police first when YOUR license is in the balance. 
(John is a prison guard and its not going to work between us ...I guess thats the one good thing about that whole incident...to see how someone reacts to things like that) ( I dont deal with hostile men)

ugggg..... confessions..

....just keep swimming :)
Swoosh :)
 

Work can be hard, band can be frustrating...life can be...well hard....  I bit back I treated myself to an iphone as reward for working hard and losing weight... I love the net skills it has :)  anyhow... I'm a member of a group called free-cycle... where if you have something you don't need you can post to give to someone else, folks email you, you pick one of them and give it to them...nothing is sold. If you have a need for something you can post that as well....

Well free time at class yesterday and I used my phone to check my email....   
Free-cycle:   WANTED.... My wedding dress is ruined two weeks before my wedding no time to order a new one like I want.  I need a wisteria colored gown if someone has one to offer I would be most grateful.

Hmmm... isn't that gown in the closet that color? (It looks blue in pic but its not it is wisteria colored)  I decide it is and when I get home I take it out and take a pic to send to the girl to see if she would like to have it.   Emails of such joy FLOOD MY BOX!  She is so excited to please come get it.  I tell her its hers and that I will bag it on the porch for her.  She emails me thanks and I go on about my day.  (Today is Saturday and I worked very hard to have the day with my son, we went to two huge flea markets, watched world war two planes fly, ordered pizza  (for him) and how he is watching a movie he bought at the flea market.  

There is a knock at my door....
I lady is standing there nearly in tears and smiling so brightly.....squeezing the bag the gown is in as though it might fly away if she let it go.... :) she hugged me and thanked me many times she told me how the wedding was coming and she was so sick not knowing what she was going to do, she didn't really have the money to replace the first gown and now God sent her this one..   Yes, I told her ...that's how it works...God puts things on your heart and you have to act on them, you never know the life you might impact. :)  She hugged me again and handed me a envelope, this is for you... You have no idea how much this means to me.  I asked her to email me a pic of her special day, she promised she would...but you know what.....  just knowing that yrs from now she will remember the stranger that had a dress in the right size, color and style to give to help to make her special day bright......   ya I'm okay with that too :)  

I opened the card after she left.... it reads....

Many thanks for your kindness     My prayer is that it will return to you with extra measure.   ~Lynn

hehe and she put a McDs gift card in there :)  ( I told my boy I would treat him to something from there sometime, he was tickled.)  So  lets see .....

One Band:
Blessings of the day:
A. I can fit in that sexy dress
B. I had the dress to get into
C. I was able to bless someone with the dress
D. My boy sees importance of blessing others when able
E. Someones wedding will be bright and beautiful the way a bride wants :)

My knees have healed rather well from having all the ligaments replaced, my body has recouped from weight loss... and working very hard at the gym and pool....skin is not really an issue (well accept belly,butt and thighs)    anyhow....  for some time now my legs have been getting cramps in them... and at first I ignored it...probably lack of potassium many told me... so I would  try to up that some...but it got worse....  my foot would even drag sometimes and I really had to think to make it work correctly.... 

Middle of August I hurt my back... for about 3 weeks I was in great pain... but suck it up and all that... my back got better... but my legs still cramp especially the right one... So I finally broke down and went to Dr... she sent me to neurologists.... who poked my leg so hard with a toothpick that it actually bled....  she said.. I have what is called foot drop, can be from nerve damage because after losing alot of weight this nerve on out side of knee is exposed and could be stretched or damaged  (GREAT MORE KNEE STUFF) 

or.....  drum roll please.....  problem with disc in my back....  and need back surgery.... now understand I went to the Dr expecting...eat this or do that and instead I'm told I may need MORE SURGERY...I am sooo tired of healing and surgeries...I let her schedule it and go home....(she forgot to give me script for some foot thing Im suppose to wear... 

Then today the hospital calls me....to get info....well so they say...what htey wanted was money...the cost.... see that's the kicker.....  My part of the insurance bill.... just for the MRI....$950....  $100 up front and then payments... I paid the $100 and told  them very clearly I don't have the money for payments.. .she said oh don't worry they will set it up for you at $50 a month or so....  WHAT PART DID SHE NOT UNDERSTAND......  She said I had not met my deductable and I dont know if tests and drs are seperate but if not then I would have thought I would be covered...but I dont know and too stressed to think about how to even begin to look it up.....  So.. since I cant eat when I'm stressed.... I'm gonna go to the gym.... and then I'm gonna try to think of another way to solve all this....  I'm not going in debt for a dumb test that will come back and tell  me that's not the problem or that it IS the problem and yet I'm no  better off..... If Im paying 900 for the test...how in the world am I gonna pay for surgery.... MY TURN IS OVER..... I CAN NOT do more stress....   going to gym  .....just keep swimming