May 2012

May 25, 2012

Not doing so great these days, many outside stresses keeping me down and worn-out.   My band was giving me a horrible time first part of the year, it was like it was too tight but when I called Dr to see about having some removed he told me I didn't need any removed it was all but empty now.  My problems continued, I went in and he again refused to take some out, but wanted me to come to hospital in a week for fluro, ($800 plus the $200 for the visit the previous week he did nothing)  So I go for the fluro, he says its a "little slip"  and has a pocket but he will only take out 1/2 cc.  I tell him lets just drain it so that it can go back like its suppose to. (I love my band but I want it right and willing to do what I need to in order to get it there.)  So he looks at me very seriously and says... we cant do that, you'll get fat.  FAT GIRL PANIC set in okay okay...just do what we need to do.  I ask him what we do if this doesn't work...he says only option is to remove the band.   (Yes I know he is wrong, but at the time it was crushing.)

So I continued with life and stresses, and working to make things be right.  I tried to continue living, I even saw a plastic surgeon thinking hey lets get rid of the skin you hate so much that will really help you feel better....($18000) :(  I don't have 18k nor do I dare get a loan for 18k as my student loans come due in a few months.  So I sit here lost my drive for the gym (I mean why bother, I'm only gaining weight because of the limited things I can eat,) I have to time my driving to throw up at red lights if I have dared to eat anything that might randomly sit poorly, and I'm steadily getting fatter....gaining my weight back and to sad to even go try to find a Dr that will even take over my care.  (I doubt people want to help someone already having issues without running a zillion tests, I dont have money for that, I am doing well to support my family atm)

I am trying to motivate self to go to gym like I did for so long, I'm sick of being alone there but none of my gym buddies have lasted....and my best friend hates the gym.  I am trying to find the desire to eat exactly the right things, but it is so very hard when so much of that causes burning in my throat and vomiting.  I think maybe the pouch thing is getting better as I am able to eat more now but still its a struggle.  LOL, today as i write this its 9am, I have had nothing more than a sip of water to take some Tylenol about hour ago, and I just had to throw up about cup and half of water with specks of blood....I just want to cry..... Thought about posting in the website forum and looking for support but I really cant take the negative band haters that would attack me right now....I don't blame the band...I blame Swoosh.  Its really not fair...I truly do try but I am so tired at this point....

This is long and whiny...but its for me and its all true and all about me, so its not like Im talking negative about anyone else.

...just keep swimming

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