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I've been away for a while, but much has happened since I last posted.  I finally hit my 100lb weight loss a few weeks back and am happy about the progress that I've made, but, of course, I want the rest off now.  I'm hoping that, by the end of the year, I'll have the remaining 54 pounds off to say I'm done -- for now.  I feel so much better, but I'm having issues with seeing myself smaller -- I'm still buying bigger sizes -- just presume things won't fit and then I get them home and they're too big!  What's that all about?  

My support groups have been great in keeping me honest.  I also make sure that I see the doctor every month -- just to get weighed and checked.  I'm a stickler for accountability because I figure the more you have, the harder it is for you to get off the wagon.  

I'm a real believer in support and helping others get their journey going on the right path.  As those of us who have had the surgery and are on our way (or are through with the process and are maintaining), we need to be supportive of those who are looking for information on the surgery and can provide information on our experiences to others.  

I'm off to go work on the garden and to weed, weed, weed!  Yikes, that time of year, but you have to do what you have to do!  Hope y'all are having a great spring!

This weekend was pretty amazing -- I really didn't know exactly what to expect in terms of what the conference was going to hold, information wise, but the thing that surprised me most wasn't necessarily the information, but how I was affected by the event.

As most of you who know me know, I was involved with NAAFA for many years in different roles.  I was a member for a number of years, moved to Texas, became involved in the local chapter, was the Chapter Chair and even on the Board for a while.  I had the in's and out's of size acceptance pretty much down -- I talked the talk and walked the walk.  

It wasn't until the very end that two plus two wasn't adding up.  I truly believed in the "Acceptance" piece, but I wasn't connecting with a position of "no weight loss surgery".  I no longer could understand how anyone or any organization had the god given right to issue a mandate of "NO" or "WE DON'T SUPPORT" -- from an organization that many looked to for direction, but, now, in my opinion, was getting the wrong kind of advice.  

I didn't connect with telling people that the organization's belief was THE way to go -- and having those who may not have the courage to break from the pack do anything BUT what the organization believed.  For some, the organization was their life -- it allowed them to be accepted and even applauded to continue a lifestyle that most would perceive as unhealthy, but would not be criticized or even questioned.  If 600lbs was the way you wanted to go and you were happy with who you were than so be it....and, oh, by the way, if your doctor is suggesting you have WLS surgery -- it's probably not a good idea to consider it because it could mean death! 

So I chewed on that for a while and realized that the internal conflict I was having was way too out of balance for me....so, after 30 plus years of being associated with NAAFA, I left the fold.

I continued to be involved with BBW activities -- I supported and was involved with local bashes and even attended bigger out of state BBW bashes.  The more I saw, the more I became fearful of ended up in the "Scooter Brigade". It's not that I think having to go that route is such a bad thing (if you gotta, you gotta), it's just not something I wanted to do.  My knees were getting worse -- my Orthopedist even told me if I needed knee replacement, that wouldn't be an option because of my weight.  I was running out of options and reasons for staying big....so I decided to have the surgery.

10 months out and I feel great -- my only regret is not doing BETTER, but I'm not about to beat myself up for what "could" be.  Life is what it is -- my body does what it does.  I follow the program, I do what I'm supposed to (on most days) and the results are reflective of what I've either done or not done.   

This weekend, I met alot of great people, heard a lot of great advice and listened to people's successes.  This was my first OH event, but it wasn't until AFTER I left the hotel that I realized what was so different between this event and other weight related events I've been to.  It took me about 40 miles north of San Antonio to figure it out -- it was the ENERGY of those who attended.  Noone seemed particularly depressed or jealous or ready to snatch any guy who you seemed even remotely interested in you.  

It's hard to explain, but I did a total 360 over this weekend -- the switch is on and I've seen the light (can we get a hardy Hallalujah?  lol).  Things are still pulling together, so I'm by no means through in figuring out where I fit in or how I can help....I guess that's later on in the book......

It's been several months -- ok more than several months, since I posted anything in my Blog -- bad, Dawn!  I had my fourth fill on Monday and I'm now at 4.03 cc's and have lost 78 lbs since my surgery in November.  I feel great, I do -- I just feel that last month was a wasted month for me and a disappointing one.  

This spring saw me lose another 2 months (or what I deem as "lost") as Guy and I were married in April and most of March/April were filled with a schedule that I barely was able to keep up on. I barely kept track of anything and was pretty much operating in the moment.  Nonetheless, I got through the stress without doing too much damage to my weight loss and was filled for the third time in June and then lost steadily in June and July.

In August, I hit a butter binge -- eating LOTS of butter with graham crackers.  I have NO idea what precipitated that, but, as a result, found that I had gained 5 pounds, lost it then gained it, then lost it.  I can't undo what I did, but I, again, find myself making up for lost time and you'd think I'd learn by now!  

This fill is particularly tight -- today was a very light day of eating -- mostly watermelon and liquids.  This past week, I did find out I'm both Vitamin D and B12 deficient so I'm now taking a liquid Vitamin D and a B12 inhalent to get my levels back to where they should be.  My knees are much better and I'm only taking my anti-inflammitory meds when I know I'll be doing lots of walking to prevent any problems.  I see my orthopedist in another month or so and may have additonal injections in my knees -- I'm not sure just yet, we'll have to see what happens and how my work schedule goes.  Currently, I'm working from home most of the time, so I'm not doing a ton of walking and that's probably contributing to why my knees are feeling as good as they are.  

I'm still very thankful for the procedure, am glad that I had it done and have learned to NEVER say never!  lol