mshill97

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After ready many posts about BigSexy, I had to be honest with myself. I had my surgery for vanity purposes, not health. I have a new, kind of confusing look on the whole weight loss surgery thing for ME. I'm working on forgiving myself for being so critical of my old fat self. I wish I would've loved and appreciated me to the fullest before. There are all of these beautiful things about me that has nothing to do with my outer shell. But, I was too busy pointing out my flaws that I didn't let my strengths shine. I allowed socieity to have their say-so of me and took it as fact. Who knows if I would've had health complications? But I know for sure I have some iron issues now for the first time in my life due to this surgery. Nothing serious, I just take 2 iron pills a day, on top of my calcium, vit .D., and Multi.

The crazy part is I wouldn't have had this perspective w/o the complications due to surgery. As much as I'm enjoying this smaller body, I'm enjoying getting back to who I was a child just as much. Funny, outgoing, love to dance, play around, etc. As an adult, I'm just now learning to flirt, for real. When I was dating, had relationships in the past, I was soo serious most of the time. But I have had to forgive myself for squandering most of my 20's, messing up relationships with good men b/c I was so full of doubt and self-conscious about my weight in just about everything I did. Not matter how many times, friends and family said, "you're not that big," " you're a cute girl", and as one of my favorite blunt cousin's said, :."you're solid, not sloppy like some big girls." OMG, RIP Sasha, I so miss you. No matter how many men tried to get at  me or with me, I just didn't see the beauty in all of me. I was good for a face shot, but  a body shot, HELLS NO.

So to any big girl who has mad crazy love for herself and is not letting society penetrate her sense of self, I say YOU GO GIRL!

Finally, 80 lbs. since surgery. I was stuck at 156 for three weeks. Scary, had me thinking is this it? But, I kept on it and the scale is finally moving again. Now, I'm starting to get the stay right there, don't lose anymore weight, you'll look like a crackhead if you lose anymore, pick up a couple lbs. comments coming my way. Where is the wt. gonna come from? I actually don't know, but I know I should still be able to healthfully get to goal. I bought a size (drumroll please) SIX swinsuit, yes a 6. Can't believe it.

Anyways, I'm loving the muscle definition I'm getting. I've been told by more than one man, that I should stay soft, they love how soft I feel, blah, blah. My thing is I'll still be soft, just with more muscle. Honestly, I'm at an okay place body wise, I just still feel fat b/c when I look at my stomach, it's the excess skin sitting on top of the muscle that's frustrating and hard to digest. However, I won't be getting any stomach surgery b/c me and surgery don't mix. I don't do well after being under anesteshia, history of clots, and stomach infection. I don't think so. So looking forward to being in the 140's and getting my body comp. done to see my actual muscle/fat %. Good morning, afternoon, evening, night!

Yes, I'm more than 100 lbs. down from my highest weight. That is crazy to me. I was so focused on getting into the 150's, that this on-scale victory almost slipped past me without me realizing it. 102 lbs to be exact as of this morning. When I saw that scale hit 260 a couple years back, it was a horrible feeling. I'd promised myself that I'd never let my weight get to 150 and there I was 10 lbs. over that. But, today is a new day, Thank God! 

 I wanted and even visualized it, but this is better than I imagined. It's also a reality check for me, b/c I knew and even said that "it's not a magic bullet", "the same problems you have before surgery will be there after surgery". But, being fat all of my life I just knew that I would have worked them all out by now. NOT! I still have my days, too many to count when I still feel extra large and not in charge. I still see the fat girl,even though I'm still a ways from my goal, I'm a lot smaller than I used to be. I still feel some kind of way when loved ones say you're small, getting skinny (not my goal, athletic is). I about had a fit when a guy referred to me as being tiny, it still feels weird going into clothing stores, looking for size 8 bottoms, md. tops, and size small/md. dresses. Like a fraud, BUT, I'm getting better.

I'm doing better as far as being on track this month, July was disastrous, but I found my focus again. I'm enjoying these 150's. WOW, that's still wild. Ready for the 140's and a size 6, but smelling the roses in the meantime,  along the scenic route I'm taking to reach my goal of 135-140.

So, I didn't make 159 by my birthday, but I'm not too sad. I ended July at 164.4. However, this year, I was in a size small t-shirt dress from H&M, last year I was wearing a XXL dress. So, but happy to say that today, I'm 159's. SO excited. But, gotta headed to the gym to get closer to my ultimate goal.

So excited, next week is my birthday and I will be in the 150's by this time next week. I'm claiming it. The 150's, I haven't weighed myself since Wednesday and I'm not weighing myself until next Friday, the 29th, two days before my birthday. The anticipation is building. I just have to challenge myself this w/e not to indulge in junk food. I've noticed I've left myself become pretty reckless over the weekends and it's time to nip that in the bud. I'm eating more sweets than I would have before my surgery. So, that is my challenge to break that bad habit I've formed, winding down with something sweet much the same way ppl. wind down with a glass of wine after work. We shall see.

Yes, I'm in need of a scale break. Yesterday, I was in the foulest mood for all of the morning and some of the afternoon and I couldn't seem to shake it. After getting some inspiration from a couple of youtube vids, I broke through the bad mood and realized what I had to do. See, yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was still stuck at 167, something which has been the case for over a week today. I've come to far, I can't let the scale dictate my mood like that. I had to remind myself when the scale used to say 260, 255, and the 240's for the longest. I mean come on, I'm down 68 lbs. since surgery Dec. 14th, 2010. I'm 27 lbs. away from not my goal, but my ULTIMATE goal weight of 140. I wear size 8's and 10's.

So I promise myself in writing that I will not weight myself again until the last day of this month, which is a switch from 3 or 4 times a week. So instead this week and going further I'm gonna focus on my steps of progression, an idea I stole from a fellow youtuber anulyph.

WOWZERS! That's the best way I can describe my weight and size right now. That or HOT DAMN! It feels good but now is the time that I need to try and find balance. Sometimes, my mind gets too irrational and I think if I take a day of rest off from the gym that I'll pick back up all of my weight over just a day or two. So, I'm working on that. I'm also working to get myself in the mindset that I'm smaller, I still feel "weird" going into certain depts. and certain stores that only go up to a size 12/14. I'm an 8 in most bottoms, yet  I still think I won't be able to fit "those" clothes. 

I have these smaller clothes, but sometimes I still feel funny wearing them out in public b/c you can see my shape in them and I don't know if I'm quite ready for some of the reactions I "might" receive. I've never been the friend that had a bunch of catcalls, I had my share, but I was most often the overlooked, invisible one, I got used to that, it became comfortable. Now, that my weight is down I'm the getting a lot of attn. when I'm out, even when I'm looking like a complete bum.

If the 160's is a true roller coaster ride, then I can't wait for the 150's. WOW, at me weighing 150-something. This surgery is truly life-changing, no regrets. I LOVE what my sleeve is HELPING me to do.

I feel so good, today. Better than good, I have such joy. Starting yesterday and continuing through today, I cannot stop smiling. I know ppl. are probably looking at me crazy while I was driving b/c I was smiling so hard. I am so thankful for this surgery b/c it took away the fear of fat. I no longer care for the most part what ppl. think. I always used to hear ppl. say that and think yeah right! But, now I get it. I can't even explain this newfound confidence and joy that's come over me. All I can do is praise God in my size 12's, soon to be 10's...lol.

I was claiming to be a slow loser, according to who? But, I won't do that anymore, I had to sit back and think about it and stop comparing myself to others. Everyone is different.  When have I ever lost 53 lbs, in four months. Not ever, I've lost just under 60 lbs. before over 10yrs. ago and it took me over a year to accomplish that. I'm a size 12. Last time I fit into a 12 I was only there for less than a month before the weight started to pile back on. So instead of focusing on the end goal I'm going to enjoy this steady, slow progress.
I'm going to keep on working out 5 days a week and know that the weight loss will continue. Also, I have to remember that the 20+ lbs I lost before surgery took me a year to take off being on weight watchers off and on.

I'm in a good place right now. I'm now happy that I had the surgery since I'm healing. Slowly, but surely. Plus, I've experienced some life changing events lately. I feel like Ms. Ceily in The Color Purple play singing "I'm Here." I like the way that I look, I found my joy again through the journey these past couple going on 3 months. Just a short update embracing life, the ups and downs, praising Him all the while.