I underestimated the POWER of my addiction...

Jun 29, 2011

Again thanking you ALL for you unwavering support of me during this time.  So I thought I would give some background.  I know I remember being a new-op and eating 1oz at a time and thinking WOW how on earth can "we" gain our weight back.  I was "picture perfect."  I wasn't all super low carb I was "livable" low carb for ME which was under 60.

So let's get to the MEAT of my story.  While no one has said anything, I'm sure the THOUGHT of how could she has GAINED 20lbs has creep in.  I'm just saying it because I KNOW for me I have thought as much so here goes.  As I said above.  I was on program.  This was for life.  I'm doing this for my deceased mother.  I no longer want to live la vita loca at 300lbs.  It's time to live at 180ish.  I went though some HUGE internal struggle because I NEVER wanted to be "skinny" well let me say I just believed in LIVING life at ANY weight and was determined to NOT let my weight determine my happiness in life.  So losing weight in the first year in my head was a struggle, but I got past that and AM past that right now.  At 3 YEARS well actually it was 35 months (just 1 month shy of my 3 year).  I was "dieting" to get from 200 even to my goal of 180 BEFORE my vacation.  I got to my lowest 192 then I went on vacation.  Well when I came back I was BACK at 205.  NOW please know that I was SWOLLEN like I normally am after a vacation.  I gain water weight like nobodies business.  

I should have REMEMBERED that because I didn't and it BROKE me.  Essentially in November 2010 I gave UP on the program.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  With the exception of drinking with meals I didn't follow a single WLS "rule."  Because I no longer had reactive hypoglycemia after eating sugar.  Many a meal were sweets.  I ate it ALL...now the whole time I was UNDERESTIMATING the POWER of my addiction (see how I worked the title in there).  The whole time I was saying...this is NO problem because on January 1st I'll weigh myself, yes I STOPPED weighing myself daily, and accept the consequences of my behavior and be BACK on program.

I am reporting now that almost EVERY 1st of the Month, almost EVERY Monday, almost EVERY other day I was "back on the program."  I even took it so far as to rejoin Weight Watchers about a month ago.  Which is NOT a bad thing.  I think the WW program is a GREAT program and NOW that I can eat their program and feel satisfied, and I have been BUT here comes the clincher.  The new thing with WW is eating fruit at 0 points GREAT if you are a "normie" but alas I'm not.  About a day before I made the post, there was an episode of Dr. Oz where the guy was disagreeing with all Dr. Oz advice on weight loss and nutrition was on there.  You know his basic concept.  Eating meat and vegetables is GOOD even fat meat.  Dr. Oz was asking about the whole grains and fruit category and well the guy was saying for those people who do NOT have a metabolically challenged body eating those things ARE good, but for those of us with metabolically challenged bodies not to much.  It was like the light bulb in my head turned BACK ON.  While I CAN eat whole grains and fruits to MAINTAIN my body does NOT like them when I'm trying to lose.  MY body does NOT like my carbs over like 60-75 to LOSE.  I KNOW this, or rather I KNEW this.

I underestimated the POWER of my addiction because eating all those foods, allowed me to FORGET what I had learned in 3 years.  I forgot that I can't go over 60-75 carbs and LOSE weight.  I just CAN'T.  I can't allow certain foods in my 'diet' because when I'm on my LOSING plan those foods STOP me from LOSING which discourages me, which cycles me into a spiral.  Which makes me crazy and feeling like 220 is my SET point.  It's only my SET point because I have been eating MORE then my losing carbs.  The POWER is truly in the KNOWLEDGE and the ACCEPTANCE of things I can't change.  I'd LOVE to be able to eat certain foods (I mean who wouldn't) but for ME I can't and that's OK because it's who I am and I LOVE me, so I need to remember that and ACCEPT the things I cannot change.

I also underestimated the POWER of this forum.  This IS my happiest place on earth.  This IS the place I came for 3 years to keep my head in the game.  You all ARE my family.  My mothers, my fathers, my sisters and my brothers in the struggle.  What I learn from you and give to you is PRICELESS.  I can LEAN on your guys when I miss my mother and want her to tell me ALL the things I've told yall and all the things in return you have been telling me.

I will tell you guys now...for those of you LIKE me...don't ever underestimate your relationship with FOOD.  If you spiral out of control and feel ashamed that you've gained weight.  Don't STOP coming and getting the support and giving the support that got you to goal.  Don't think you're all alone and no one wants to hear about your "failures."  Accept that sometimes you need help!!


- I will ACCEPT that today at 42 after 30+ years of obesity my body is what it is.  My metabolism is what it is.  Foods that affect ME are what they are.  I will accept the things I cannot change.  I will accept that this is me and for all my weaknesses and flaws I am who I am and most importantly it's ALL RIGHT
- I will have the COURAGE to change the things I can.  I can NOT eat fruit until I get back down to my goal.  I can NOT eat certain things like Click and Weight Watcher bars that increase my carbs.  I can post my whatcha eating post.  I CAN start making my delicious meals and bringing my lunch and PLANNING my meals.
- I will KNOW there is a difference.  I am not a weak because I can't have certain foods in my house.  I am not a failure because I have lapses in judgment.  I am perfectly made, flaws and all.

Thank you all again for reminding me of who I am.  I am EVERYTHING because I have all of you here to help me weather the store...you are my own personal weight loss "emergency kit" and when I broke the glass you were all there.  I can't tell you what you all mean to me...

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