Being a scrappy tom boy with dark curly hair in a land of blonde babes allowed me the pleasure of anonymity.  I never thought of my prettiness or lack there of because of this and just existed everyday enjoying climbing trees and playing in the dirt.  Once boys and nail polish replaced scrapped knees and dirty fingernails my "homeliness" smacked me in the forehead.  It was that moment that I understood that the world belonged to the beautiful and privledged.  I spent the rest of my teen years being initiatied into this exclusive club. 
My members only jacket did not keep me warm on the cold nights that I was left alone and used.  I longed to go back to the days where my sexy legs and big breasts did not decide who I would engage in non-stimulating conversation with.  Eating became my vice and as I slowly gained the weight my invisibility came back.  I was now the fat friend and I loved it!  
Until I could no longer fit into nice clothes, have doors opened for me, walk up a flight of stairs, and look in the mirror and recognize myself.

DAYS AFTER SURGERY December 23, 2005

My surgery was on Thursday December 15th.  I was very calm avout the whole thing, not nervous or anything.  It was as if I was fearless.  The rays from the morning sun soaked up all my worry that day so I could be relaxed and ready to be cut and sliced. 
I was rolled into the preop room at 7:45am and was in my room by 10:00am.  The only recollection I have is the prep room.  Sleeping on and off until about 8:00PM I did not feel anything.  Thank god for morphine.  
The following day my savior, morphine drip, was taken away from me and that is when it began.  It was the worst day and the pain was causing delusions and doubts.  Why did I do this?  Maybe I am a masochist and enjoy putting myself through trials and tribulations.  What if I need a tummy tuck, I am not sure I can deal with this pain again. 
That night I couldn't sleep at all and got up every hour to use the bathroom.  It was fun trying to maneuver my aching fat body in and out of bed!  I was a god damn gymnast just without the slender body! 
Morning came and I wanted was to rid myself of the IV and that too clean and sterile hospital smell.  5:00PM my wish came true.  Once I got home I soaked up my surroundings and relished in the comfort of it all.  It was comforting to be surrounded by less than sterile conditions and the scent of my candles.  
A couple of days pas an d boredom, frustration, and confusion set in.  I was bored of being home with nothing to do but think.  I was frustrated with all the drinking.  I wasn't even getting a buzz and I was drinking like the depressed, fat divorcee who hasn't had sex in three years, that I was.  I kept thinking that  was hungry but wasn't sure if I was just delusional from all the water, tea, and broth that filled my body.  
As I walked into the kitchen I would fantasize about chicken, rice, cake, and ice cream.  They would do a little dance to go along with the ditty to enticing me to eat.    


About Me
Worcester, MA
Apr 16, 2005
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