(w13d3P/O)
Jun 24, 2007
I walked in a parade today! A BIG parade! I have never done it before and never really wanted to until last night when I was sitting here and thinking about havig to find my daughter after she was finished with her part in the parade and I thought, "hey, I could just walk with her." I did it! They had to make me get on the bus when I started to turn bright red and sweat like I had a personal sprinkler system installed. I made it most of the way and they figured with all the pre-walking and post-walking I went about 6 miles! It took me a little over 2 hours and I had to walk really fast. It's hard keeping up with gymnasts! I loved it! I have been really down lately because of the slowing down in weight loss and the doctor telling me NO carbs from any breads or crackers or even potatoes and this made it all worth it. I hope this helps get the wieght off, I will be so upset if I weigh tomorrow and still weigh the same as I have for 2 wks again. Oh, well. Life is life and that makes it all good, I could be dead right. I am off for now, I have to iron clothes and get to bed. Check back later for more exciting updates!
Day 11 (w10d5P/O)
Jun 04, 2007
WOW, what a difference a weekend makes! I took the girls to visit family this weekend in Michigan. The weather was beautiful, the company was great and everyone had a great time. The best part, I think my family is warming up to the weight loss. They still won’t consider it for themselves, that’s okay. My Aunt Jenny hadn’t seen me yet so that was a great treat, she is so wonderful and one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with. I am going to put pictures on from the weekend, my girls had a blast. My whole family has always been close, even in proximity to each others homes. I live the farthest away so I usually make the journey up but they are talking about coming for a visit next month. My cousins Amy and Laura, her sister, are both doing Curves, they are working hard at it. Amy said she is just trying for just 1 lb. a week for 2 years and that seems so unbearable to me. The discouragement I would feel would be unbearable. I don’t think of this as a “quick fix” or “the easy way out” in any way. I have to work hard some days just to eat, add in taking meds and exercising and this is HARD! Amy bought my grandparents place when my grandma passed away and it is across the street from my Aunt Tere, her mom, and they are doing some serious work over there. We went walking around the property on Saturday, way back the lane and then back home, it was nice to walk and not be winded or in pain. I also had to buy new pants last week. I had been buying drawstring pants but I really wanted jeans so I got a pair of jean Capri’s, a size 24! Okay, so I got them on Thursday night and had to take them back Friday morning, I needed a 22! I can’t even believe it, I never would have guessed that 2 months ago I wore a size 32 and now I fit comfortably in a 22. I still need a large shirt but that’s the boobs, can’t complain about that. So, that was my weekend, I’ll check in later.
Kim
Day10 (w9d5P/O)
May 29, 2007
Okay, in all seriousness, I have been really busy. I don’t know how I will ever find time to go to a support group meeting when I don’t even have time to journal on my blog. I did take a few minutes here and there to check in on the site but I have been slacking badly on my other obligations. I never new how much work this would be. I had an idea it would be serious changes and I was ready for them, or at least I thought I was. So much has happened since I last checked in. I had my 6 (actually more like 7 ½) week follow up with the surgeon. She was pleased but quickly told me she doesn’t want me to follow the nutritionist guidelines, She instead feels like I should stay off carbs almost completely and also keep my portions to 3oz.s for another 5 or 6 weeks at least until I see her again. She did give me a lot to look forward to though. She said she likes to push the envelope and wanted me to eat as many vegetables as I could tolerate and fresh fruit too. I love salads and this was huge for me. I am also eating meat, not puréed or chopped finely, just meat. I chew it really well and it goes down fine. I also got the okay to drink as much as I want without a sippy cup or straw and I can take in as much as I like as long as it doesn’t hurt. I do however like straws, especially big straws. I ask for extras at my favorite restaurants. I weigh myself each week and try to do it on the same day but I can’t be perfect. I now weigh (as of today 5/29/07) 288.4 lbs.. I know to some that this is not anything special. I feel like maybe I should have lost more y now but I haven’t yet shared that I had a bad spell and went into survival mode. My body panicked a bit because I wasn’t eating enough and I started to stall. I am still struggling to eat enough but I have been doing much better. Some of my old habits are coming back. I am panicking and thinking I am eating too many calories or too much fat and then I don’t want to eat. I am also a little paranoid that I am going to get something stuck so I am eating a lot of soup. I guess I could make better choices but some days are really rough and I don’t even like my own food. I have no idea what is going on, I still love to cook and bake, I just don’t want to eat. I suppose in retrospect I should have made a bunch of soup and stuck it in the freezer before my surgery so I would hate it so much when I make it now. I think Culvers is loving me, I buy soup almost every day from them. I have found that if I get a kids meal the soup is only a dollar so I make the most of it. I get the hamburger meal plain (I toss the bun or feed it to my daughter who likes plain hamburgers) with soup instead of fries and milk to drink. I have started to feel hunger, I thought I never would, and it stinks! It really hurts when I don’t eat on time. My stomach sometimes hurts so bad that I can’t even think about food and food is what I most need right at that moment. I am starting to notice my saggy skin and hanging fat. I started watching the new shows on TLC about obesity and I found out just how fast muscle gets eaten after surgery and it is really scaring me. I did get the okay to exercise more but I have to find a gym. I say all this likes I am unhappy with my decision but I am not. It is all worth it! I feel so much less pain on my joints and I have gone from a size 30/32 to a size 24 and I even got some cute clothes. Just a few things because I had too though. I don’t want to spend too much money on clothes that I won’t be able to wear long. My friends are all keeping tabs and every time I get weighed they get all excited and total it up before I even get a chance. I can shave in less than 5 minutes and get everything because I can see all the important spots. I am not terrified of going in public and using the restroom because I can get to everything. I can get in the pool this summer and not worry about breaking the ladder because the weight limit is 300lbs. And I don’t weigh more than 300lbs. anymore. I can walk and not get tired, today I walked almost 1 ½ miles! I can buy a bra in the store instead of driving 2 hours to a specialty store and paying $50 + for it. I have to touch on my love life a bit so if it offends anyone skip this part and accept my apology in advance. I can’t believe how much different it feels when there isn’t a ton of cushioning there blocking the important parts. It has been so long since it felt this good I almost forgot I liked it. I do have one complaint; it kinda hurts when my husband’s ribs rub mine, oh well. I realized I have been fat for the majority of my life and I have missed out on so much I can’t wait to catch up. I don’t have dumping, I am sure of it because I can eat sugar and fat and nothing happens. I find this both a blessing and a curse. I am glad I don’t have it because it sounds really nasty and it makes me focus more on what I am doing and makes me accountable for what I eat. I wish I had it because I would have to be more careful about what I eat and it would be nice to not have to think about eating so much. Sounds weird I know but it makes sense to me so it counts. I mean if I had it I wouldn’t even think twice about food with a little sugar in it or eating something deep fried, I just wouldn’t do it, period. Since I don’t have it I am being a little too lax about it so I really have to work on it. I have rambled on long enough for one night, I need to go to bed and I still have to iron clothes and put a load in the dryer. The day never ends! I am making a resolution to try harder to journal so when I am asked I can be honest about it. Till later, Kim
Day 9 (w3d5P/O)
Apr 17, 2007
Howdy! I have had a few interesting days. First let me say hello to the nice couple I met today while I was the the Dr.'s office, two very nice people who hopefully don't run into any road bumps on the path to their new "life." Good luck next month and keep on laughing! Now, onto the rest. I know I mentioned my meat thing, it is going okay. I can't do fish at all, I know it is on the approved list at four weeks but I talked to a friend and she still has trouble with fish 2 years out. Oh well, I don't like fish anyway, I was doing it because it's on the list and has tons of protein. I can do ham okay, I got an old fashioned ham, not a sweet one and had it shaved or "pre-chewed" as my daughter called it. I can also do hamburger okay. I was out today and had to eat, I got a baked potato and a hamburger. I went over to the park on the other side of the lake, parked in my favorite spot and ate the meat and about half the baked potato and felt like a new woman. Of course it was less than half of the normal meal for anybody but it was so good. I have been having some pain in my chest, like stomach pain, so I went and picked up some Prevacid sol-u-tabs from the doctor. They said it should help, I needed Prevacid before my surgery and the Pepcid AC was not going to cut it, it wasn't helping at all. I have also decided that I like plain water, not fruit water or fancy water, just tap water. I can't get enough. I think I was spending so much time worrying about what I was missing and thinking I needed the sweet or some kind of something because of the basic foods I was eating, that I forgot how much I loved water. I am getting in my fluids better because I like to drink water. I wish I hadn't been so panicked before, it would have made life easier for sure. I wish I knew a lot of things before I had to find out the hard way. Well, I had family drama too. My brother and his wife (the most wonderful woman you can imagine) are struggling with the ex-wife. I hate divorce and all that comes with it. My nieces are so important to me and I hate to see them in the middle. It doesn't help that my brother is actually my ex-brother-in-law. We are so close that it makes sense to be family to each other. The problem is my sister who I no longer see, is not mentally stable and she lives with my abusive mother and our step-dad. It's all a very long story but in the end I got a great family from my union with Gaston in the battle to make life better for the next generation. I just wish he could break free from the abuse he took for 7 years from my sister and let himself be in love with this great wife and move as far away from the bad as the court will allow. I can't fix it so it frustrates me, I need to learn to let go what I can't change. The other thing is Chris (my love) is changing jobs. This is a huge thing for a Bi-Polar and it's starting to show. He is acting depressed and that is never good. We are trying to get everyting in line and have ourselves ready for no insurance for 3 months, which means getting mail order meds hopefully to cover the next three months or the cost for all the meds my family needs each months will be just under $2000.00. COBRA is $1300.00 a month so either way we are in trouble. I can see a rocky road ahead and just coming off this surgery I am not sure I am ready for it. Oh, my big girls got their prom dreses today! May 19th is prom, I don't know if they are taking dates, they haven't been asked and they don't really need dates. Since it's the church prom they really aren't encouraged to be going steady until they are ready to start sizing up a spouse. I am good with that. I would post a picture of the dresses if I could figure out how to insert a picture. I am still not very good at this. I will take pictures and upload I guess. I am also working on a fundraiser for the little one, selling FUDGE and CARAMEL CORN! the girls' Mammaw owns a company that makes it so she gave us the products to sell so she can go to camp this summer. She gets to go to camp close, Batesville, IN, where Carley Patterson will be coaching her. There will also be another great coach there but I can't even pretend to spell her name, she's russian and a nine time world champion, and three time olympian winner of gold and silver. I am going to send Syd to bowling camp, she is so excited it cute. Bowling camp- $50.00, Gymnastics camp-$320.00, price of the biggest smiles you've ever seen-priceless! Well, I better get going, enough rambling for tonight. If family reads this, HI! I promise to call later this week. To any friends, Hello, take care and have a great rest of the week!
Me
Day 8 (w3d2P/O)
Apr 14, 2007
Okay, today was a great day! I made my mind up that I needed to avoid loosing my hair. Being fat is bad enough, but bald and fat just won't look good on me. So, I made my resolve to make sure that I get my protein and vitamins in everyday and eat all my food and drink all my water. I went out with the husband today and he wanted to eat out for lunch so we went to Steak and Shake for his for his soup and salad, I had cottage cheese, a cracker and a spoon of his soup. It all went well, of course the guy looked at me funny when I asked for a container for my cottage cheese. I am not that desperate to safe a tiny bit of cottage cheese but I just wanted to see how he would react, he had already thought it odd that I refused to even have a glass of water with my meal. Then we took Syd out for the night and we had a great time. Oh, I should mention that I did have a little bit to eat before lunch that was different from the norm, I bravely tried tuna (one of those pouches of albacore that was lemon pepper) and it was good! I only had a bit just to see how it would go. I sometimes wonder if they really did anything in there, like maybe I am one of the control subjects in this study and really they just opened me up, took along look around and then closed me up and left a drain to make it lok real. I really feel good. So, back to where I was. The litle one, Kayce, had a sleepover with a friend and the two big girls had a dance so it was just Syd, Dad & mon for the whole night. This rarely happens and she tend to get the short end of the stick all the time. So we asked her what she wanted to do, also novel for us, and she wanted to go bowling. I of course did not bowl but I did play putt putt with them and we had a blast. She and Chris bowled 2 games and she was so happy. It made me feel really good to be out with them and not feel like a lump. It was a blast! Syd was so funny and she made me feel great all night. Then I reached another milestone, we went to dinner. Not just any dinner, one of my favorite places to go, Texas Roadhouse. I had a few nibbles of a roll and ordered mashed potatoes and vegetables. I had a very good dinner and a whole lot of leftovers. I really didn't even stress over it. I was surprised at how easy it was for me to go out and not want to eat a little of everything on the table. I didn't realize I had the strength in me. The best part is i got in all my food and protein today. Well, this just sounds like rambling so I will wrap it up. We have church in the morning and I need to get some sleep. Till tomorrow...
Day 7 (3w1dP/O)
Apr 13, 2007
Today was an okay day. I got up late again. I keep waking up at 8am and I can't get used to that. For years I have been a late nighter and late sleeper. My whole family is on that schedule. It's hard to imagine I am now a day person because my stomach is smaller. It started in the hospital with them getting me up all the time and when I came home I took care of myself at night because I had to sleep on the couch (we sadly still own a waterbed, it's nice but it leaves us open to serious razzing from friends and family). So, since all the bedrooms are upstairs I had to wake myself up and do my walking and take my meds and make sure the heating pad was on (it turns of automatically, safety feature I guess) and take my temperature. I haven't had a good night sleep since. I am starting to get flack from the husband because he goes to bed so early since he went tofirst shift and he is tired of me going to bed late and then not being in bed with him. It's been hard. My girls are not helping out as much as I would like and my house is a dissaster. I got angry this morning and told them so and then started ripping apart the closets and vacuuming everything. Now my living room is full of clothes and I can't sit on the couch. I ordered pizza for dinner, I promised the girls they could have it on payday. I felt good enough to try some. I ate the veggies of a piece. I can't believe I made a SMALL piece of pizzas toppings last 1/2 an hour. I chewed and chewed. Nothing got stuck and I didn't get sick. The veggies were good. I felt like a part of the family again. I have also figured out that the pintos and cheese at Taco Bell is almost 2oz exactly, just a little under. And it's tastes delicious! I am allowed bean, cheese and condimants that won't make me sick so I don't think it's that bad of a trade off. My husband always gives me looks though and it makes me kinda paranoid. He just gives me a look and then won't answer when I ask him why he did it. He told me the other day it was because he was worried about me but after 19 years I can tell the I'm worried look from the condesending I don't think you should be eating that look. I can't stand it, it makes me want to hit him with the frying pan. I also feel like he's treating me badly because he is worried about me loosing weight. He hasn't always been the best husband and he has deffinately made it hard to stay with him at times and he knows it. I don't have plans to leave but I am starting to wonder if he is worried. I wish he would just get over it and let this be a good thing. He tried to talk me out of it sorta, he just wouldn't talk about it. When I tried to ask him anything he would just say, "you made your decision, what I think doesn't matter." Or worse, he would say nothing at all. He is being really difficult tonight and I know it is just going to get worse unless I get a grip on it. Anyway, I got in a lot more fluids today but still not enough. I need to buy protein powder tomorow and get some better calcium citrate. I am also going to look at other vitamins, I can't bring myself to take the stupid kids vitamins anymore, it's an everyday struggle. I am also going to break down and look at bras and pants. My kids told me it was time, they said I had circus pants on. Well see, I am not ready to throw out money on clothes I am only going to wear a few months or less. well, better go for now. I had my rant and now I need to calm down, finish my milk and go to bed. Later!
Day 6 (2w5dP/O)
Apr 10, 2007
Today I am going to be totally positive, I hope. I have good intentions of doing so. So today I got up and ate okay, last night it felt like everything was sticking. I am loving the whole slushy thing! I feel so much better whenI get in enough liquids. I still need to find a way to get in all my milk though. I am doing better with the "ice" glasses but it is still hard to get it all down. I was dissapointed yesterday that is why I didn't update last night. I went and weighed myself and had only lost just over a pound over the weekend. i am not doing anything differently than before so I don't understand that. I am only going to weigh myself on Mondays so I won't know till next week how I am doing this week. I need to walk more I guess. I have made it almost 3 weeks! This isn't so bad. I have got to mention I had a huge OOPS last night. I came home and had to cook dinner, Monday and Wednesday are my daughters weeknight gym nights right now so we eat late. So anyway, I had been to the grocery last week and there was a display for sugar free Hawiian Punch, not my favorite but I thought hey I can try it. So I bought two, the red and the green. I had opened the red last week and decided it was too gross to do. I opened the green last night while I was talking on the phone to my sister-in-law and making dinner. I poured a glass and started sipping away, and my daughter kept talking to me. Now please understand I have been trying to break my kids of this aweful habit for years. If I am on the phone I don't like to answer them unless somebody's hair is on fire, this has never happened so I have never had a good reason to talk to them while on the phone. However, last night I should have listened. She was trying to ask if I realized the green Hawiian Punch was in fact not sugar free and I had just drank about 3 oz. of the stuff. Well I didn't die and I didn't dump, maybe a blessing and maybe not. My friend never dumped and she wishes she had. She can eat anything and not get sick and she hates it. She works out 4-5 days a week and watches everything so carefully. Well, I don't know if this means I will never dump but now I am going to be more careful. I beter go make dinner, the natives are restless and they may eat me soon. More tomorrow...
Day 5 (2w4dP/O)
Apr 09, 2007
Okay, so Easter is over and now all that is left is the candy and leftover food I can't eat. My kids were good about it though. I made a small meal instead of the giant spread I usually do and I actually had mashed potatoes with them so it wasn't all that bad. Oh, I found out the not so smart way that deviled eggs aren't going to kill me, I licked a finger. I NEVER lick my fingers when I cook, it's an OCD thing I think. But, none the less I licked my finger and all at once realized what I had done. To spit or not to spit??? Well, I just ate it and waited. Nothing happened to me so that was a good surprise. I am not even a really big deviled egg eater so whatever. The hardest thing to resist was the ham. I used spiced peaches I put up last summer as the glaze and it smelled so good. I keep telling myself someday it will all come out okay and I will be able to nibble a little bit of the foods I love again. It is all worth it! I went to get ready for church and my clothes were to big. I actually had to pin my skirt up under my breasts and dig out a shirt I haven't worn in years! I guess I will have to buy a skirt soon. I have finally figured out how to get in all my fluids in a day. I bought a new blender. I had been to Kohls just after my surgery and they had a deal where if you spend enough money you get a $10.00 coupon for another visit. So, I had to spend it, it would be dumb not too, right? So I went and found a great blender on sale for $19.99 (it was reg. $50) and they only had the demo left so I asked to buy it and they said yes. Only when I got to the cashier she found a small mark on the side (which washed off with soap when we got it home) and she gave me 10% extra off. So after my discounts and my coupon I got an awesome blender for $7.99! I found that if i mix my Minute made light lemon with fresh strawberries and some ice it makes a great slushy. I had two glasses (32oz.) of it plus my milk, which I have discovered is best in a mug from the freezer. I found the kind that has a layer of water in it so when you freeze it it keeps the milk really cold long after you pour it. They are cheap too, that made it nice. Anyway, now that I have gotten a full day of liquids in I feel pretty good. I started to feel dehydrated again so I was worried. Well, this week will be interesting, week three here I come. I am working tonight and Wednesday so I am going to try harder to make sure I get my meals and liquids at the gym. I am also going to go early so I can hop on the treadmill and condition the little one. She was off for two weeks while I was and then she only went two days last week. She needs some good stretching and pulling to get her ready for a night with the older girls. She loves it though, I can't imagine why. It is so much work and she is so tiny compared to the other girls on Monday night. I guess I could explain in case anybody who doesn't know me vert well reads this. I have Kristina, she's 18 and full of spite and teen angst. I have Alyssa, she is 16, almost 17 and she is also a teenager. She also has some special needs that make her quite entertaining at times. Then there is Sydne, she's a pretty little lady of the ripe age of 11. She of course thinks she is much older and has some attitude but she is getting better. My youngest is Kayce Jo, she just turned 10. Now I know what you must be thinking, 10 is not little or young for that matter. Well, she is a gymnast and it's the best place for her because I don't think she will ever grow. ALL of her weight is muscle and she just topped the scale at 51.6 pounds a week ago. She is a whopping 4ft 3in tall at most and still wears infant size shorts in the summer. She is in a size 6x jean or a 7 slim if it is small enough. Oh, and she is still wearing the same underwear she had when she potty trained. She really is small. But she can flip and flop like crazy. Sydne likes the tampoline so she does that at the gym, she isn't sure she wants to be on team though. Maybe someday. Kayce just competed level 5 and finished 4th in state. This was her 2nd year of competition and her 3rd in gymnastics. They are talking about just skipping level 6 and doing 7 next year if she can get a giant on the bars. She is already ahead on all the other events and they just don't want to hold her back. We will see. So, that is why I "work". I don't get a paycheck, it just covers the cost of her training and syd's classes. I like that though because i never have to worry about not having the money to pay the bill there. So, that is that. I also have husband, we have been together 20 years, this year we will be married 19. He isn't the most supportive around the house and with the kids but he's a hard working man with high ambitions. So, that's it for now. I will check back in later.
Day 4 (2w2dP/O)
Apr 07, 2007
Okay, so I missed a couple of days. I guess I need to get to a real support group meeting soon. This is a great place to write down my journal and a see what others are thinking but I feel like I need to see people. I am SICK of food already. I still love good food and I miss eating it. I am sick of the effort it takes to eat each day, to drink all my fluids, to take all the vitamins. Don't get me wrong, I would do it again, I really would. Just right now, I feel so exhausted at the end of each day just from all the thinking that it takes to get everything in. I am having a very hard time making sure I eat at least three meals and drink all the liquids I need too to stay healthy. I am trying new things each day but I end up right back at cheese and milk for my meals and liquids. I am sooooo thirsty! I want to drink a couple gallons of water right now. I also want very badly to have meat. I never thought I would miss meat, it wasn't a huge part of my diet before surgery. Maybe it is because I seriously need the protein and iron. I truly believe my body is telling me something. I did talk to the dietician and she gave me permision to eat more homemade foods, like vegetables and fruits, as long as I made sure to chew them thouroghlyor send them through a blender ot food processor. That helped for all of one day. I need some serious help. I can't afford to get sick, literally. My husband is changing jobs in two weeks and we will not be able to get insurance for 3 months. I can only hope that I can get this under control. I really want to be healthy. I think it will get better after I can eat solids again. Okay, enough whining. I was down a litle over 30 pounds on Thursday, exactly 2 weeks after surgery. I can already tell a difference. It is not painful to climb the stairs and I feel like I had an easier time doing the grocery store yesterday. We were there for over 2 hours and I didn't want to die after we finished. I have had to tighten my shoe laces 2 times since my surgery and my bra is now on the third and last set of hooks, I guess I need to get e new one. Who new that 30 pounds could make a difference. Okay, that's all for now. I need to start drinking and I am always afraid I am going to spill on my laptop.
Day 3 (1wk6dP/O)
Apr 04, 2007
Well, yesterday was okay. It felt like everything I put in was sticking so I just stuck to liquids. By last night I had a really bad pain in my left shoulder so I called the doctor and they siad to wait it out and then see if it was better in the morning. It is, the nurse called and I feel much better today. I am still being very careful though because I am paranoid I may have stretched my pouch or something because I am always thirsty. I don't gulp but I do sip a lot. My family here at home is really supportive and I am thankful for that. My extended family is not sure yet, they are worried for me. It does feel nice to know I am cared about so much. I also have a good network of friends around me. One in particular who has really been there through all of this journey. We joke all the time because she is about a foot taller than me and she had surgery on her jaw last year where she was wired shut for 6 weeks and lost a bunch of weight. She gives me pointers all the time on staying faithful to liquids, she had to do it for those 6 weeks and says she is greatful that her mouth couldn't open at all because she says she would have died. On week three she called and told me she really needed chocolate so she grabbed a chocolate bar and basically crushed it through her teeth like toothpaste! She has the same goal weight as me so I keep wondering what my 150 and her 150 will look like with mine compressed in 5 ft. of body to her 6 ft. of body. We shall see...we shall see...
