Little Bit of a breakdown

Dec 20, 2008

Last night, it finally happened.

I bought some clothes on sale earlier this week and last night I decided to try them on. It's coming up on the time to start venturing into the real world and I should be going back to work soon so I thought I'd give it a try. I also was able to wear my first real shirt yesterday so I figured hey, let's try to be normal. I put on the dress I wanted to wear on New Years (if we went out) and the second I put it on, I totally shut down. My top doesn't match my bottom. AT ALL. Everything is fine and then I have these huge hips and thighs. And not in a subtle way. They are massive. I tried to keep it in because my mom was with me but she could tell. Then I tried on this cute shirt that had short sleeves to see how my arms really looked and it made me really sad because as much progress as we've made, it isn't enough. I will need the lift in the end. So I just took everything off, put them back in the bags, and decided to try on my jeans. All my jeans I thought would fit post-operative, still didn't fit. I threw them all in the donation bag (maybe a little irrational, but they will never fit with these thighs. So there will be some nicely dressed less fortunate people .. I'm talking Banana Republic and NY&Co jeans with the tags on them!!!). Then I cleaned out my closet from top to bottom. There wasn't much left in the end. Afterwards, it was supposed to be time for my mom to change my bandages but she was downstairs or something so I just got ready for bed. She came in and didn't bother me about it and just left me alone. I watched TV for a bit and then I just lost it. I mean full on snot-running crying hysterical. My mom heard me and came in and held my hand while I cried. She agreed with me that my thighs and hips were pretty bad and that we should come up with a plan. I cried that I'm trying to be grateful for how far I've come but I just can't be when I'm still wearing the same pants as the day I went in for the plastic surgery.

So after we cried together for a while, we came up with a plan. I'm going to buy into long-term disability and save up for the next procedures I want. It will probably be 2-3 years or so. I won't be 100% happy with myself until then but that's ok. It's a long, long road, and I'm just getting in the car. It's not going to be the path I thought it would be, but so what. We all have challenges to face, and mine is just going to be a little different than I thought.

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