MyHeartIsSoso

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Well, it's been a while since I last posted because I just felt I had nothing to give but discouragement. I really don't like to write things that are downers because they "live" out there and become more "real" I guess. Is that nuts? Anyway, I have good news to report. I went to the Dr. on Val Day 2/14 and was down 42 lbs. since the last weigh-in. Between the losses and the gains, I am down a total of 52 lbs since surgery. I am down 78 lbs since my first consultation (pre-2wk-liquid diet), and I am down 82 lbs since my all time highest weight a year ago. So I'm OK with that. I didn't get another fill because I finally achieved a spot that lets me eat healthy, raw things like salad and fruit (which I had started to crave). And I felt like if I got a fill and couldn't eat those things, I would be sucking on M&Ms all day and not losing weight anyway. So I'm at a comfortable spot. I can eat, but I still have to be "on a diet". I really thought I would be able to have MAJOR restriction, yet still eat whatever I wanted, just in a decreased amount so that my calorie content would allow me to still lose weight. Not quite. Tooo much fill just irritates the crap out of me and I end up sucking on things I KNOW will go down (hello, M&Ms). So I still get the same calories, no real nutrition, no weight-loss. That particular piece of reality really bites. Anyway, I'm trying to make better choices and keep up the good work. I go back next month 4/17 to see if I've made anymore progress. I'm still glad I got this surgery. 82 lbs gone is FAB. My life and mobility have really improved and if I never lost another lb, I would be so grateful for the -82. More later!

Today I went for my 3rd fill and (of course) to weigh in and chart my progress. Well, I was down 36 lbs! Yeah! I was ecstatic! My legs are not quite as under control as I'd like, but I guess that means I've lost some real weight and not just fluid. I am SO excited. I really hope this is the "green zone" that I have heard so much about. I'm sticking to soup and mushies for the next day or so. So far, so good. Yahooooo!

In the last few weeks, I decided to try my hand at selling all kinds of junk on eBay. Mostly clothes that I don't like (you'd be surprised at the fabulous bids I've gotten on all these fat clothes that I don't like!). Anyway, about an hour ago I decided to check on my auctions (I currently have 6 of them). I LOVE seeing those bids go up, up, up! :) Well, I had a message from a bidder in Canada who basically flamed me because she thought my shipping prices were a "rip off." Well, BOO HOO. I got so upset about that, but I realize that I should just let it roll off me. I don't even know this Canadian freak. Why waste my energy? Anyway, I asked her NOT to bid if she was going to be unhappy because I'm not changing my shipping prices for her (I actually looked up the shipping to Canada on usps.com and found out that shipping my stuff to her would cost about $13 and my listed shipping cost is $14.95 --- which has to cover my packaging costs, ebay costs, gas to go to the PO, etc.). So she's probably getting a deal on the shipping . . . definitely not getting ripped off. 

Anyway, this little experience just reinforces the fact that I need to worry about taking control of ME . . . Just ME. I can't make anybody else do anything. But I do have the power over myself, my energy, my attitude, my choices, my FOOD, my lapband, my SUCCESSFUL outcome. I even admit that my nearly 4-year-old child is a little bit out of my control (but I do try!! :). Anyway, the point is that I think I waste too much time, too much energy, too much focus being concerned with stuff that doesn't amount to a hill of beans -- basically, stuff I can't change, people I can't change, etc. But the things I have control over, I just let those things slide like I'm some kind of victim of circumstances. That is NOT the case. I have the choice to do well and to help my band (even thru bandster's hell). I have the choice to exercise. I have the choice to drink some water instead of letting Nilla Wafers melt in my mouth (yes, I've been doing that). 

So, tomorrow is a new day. I refuse to let anyone (even a ding dong Canadian ebay wretch) take control of ME. I'm going to take control of myself, eat what I need to eat, and ask God for the help and mercy to be successful at this weight loss battle --- one day at a time! 

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that I'm able to eat more. And as the days go by, I can eat more and more. Less and less restriction. Grrrr. It's kind of frustrating. I see the posts and success stories here on OH, and I'm kind of getting depressed because my own experience isn't "taking off" like I thought it would. There are only a couple of months to go before I see my inlaws at Christmas. Since they loaned the money for the surgery, I'd like to show them a definite, noticeable change in my weight and eating habits. I'm scheduled to go to the Dr. for another round of chastisement/fill on Thursday. I really hope I've lost SOMETHING . . . even a few lbs would be nice. I'd like to see a real difference. Blah. This whole experience isn't quite what I thought it would be. This "feast or famine" experience isn't what I bargained for. But if I can conquer my obsession with food and get a decent fill, it'll all be worth it in the end.

OK, so I finally get what I wanted and expected from surgery (which has been 2 months ago): Restriction! It is a blessing and a curse. I guess I never thought it would be exactly this way. I eat a few bites. The back of my throat feels like there's a "bubble" of some sort. I try to swallow past it. Take a sip of water, whatever . . . It becomes uncomfortable. And it may or may not decide to go down. I have had 2 incidents of PB'ing since Thursday, and I honestly don't know how to hit the right balance between eating just enough and eating too much. It's like there's a time to stop, but you don't know it until you get the "bubble' but by that time, it's too late. Anyway, I'm just grateful for restriction. I know I've got to be losing weight now. I'm still able to drink enough water and unsweetened tea, so that helps me with a feeling of fullness. Sometimes (OK, like ALL the time) I will eat a few bites (until I get the bubble). Then I'll stop. Then an hour later my stomach will be growling (REAL growling, just like in the old days). So I'm thinking my stomach has to shrink, maybe, before the hungry/growling sensation goes away. We'll see.

Well, I went for my second fill today. I feel a LOT more restricted than I did last week after the first one. Today there was quite a bit of drama in the Dr.'s office . . . first of all, I stepped on the scales and weighed in 4 lbs higher than last week (just 9 days ago). OK, so I get a little stressed about that because I honestly don't know why I would gain so much in such a short period of time. I did have SOME restriction for a couple of days last week, I thought I was eating a little less than usual, and I have definitely not eaten as much bad stuff. So anyway, I was immediately stressed out. Then they took my BP, which was through the roof. Then took it again . . . just as bad. Then I started wigging out. I ended up talking to the new nurse practitioner and crying. I was so frustrated and freaked out and NOT looking forward to another round of chastisement. I told her I had felt no restriction after the first couple of days last week, I can eat anything and everything and lots of it. She asked, "So you can eat a piece of chicken and not have it get stuck?" I looked at her like she had lost her mind, and said, "YES. And then I can have another couple of pieces, plus all the fixins, plus dessert, and STILL not feel full." That's what I've been saying, people! LISTEN to the patient, please! So anyway, I got a short lecture from Woodman, not enough to make me cry in front of him, thank goodness. Then I got my fill. Whoa, I can really tell a difference. I took my BP medicine as soon as I got home (could have been the reason my BP was outta control - hadn't taken my medicine yet today), and I could hardly choke down the crumbled up pills with a couple ounces of water. I LOVE restriction!!!

I can't believe it's the end of summer! It doesn't feel like it here in the deep south! I got my first fill last week, as posted. I felt a little different, but still haven't "hit the spot" yet. Woodman says I'm supposed to feel "satisfied" with 3 saucers of quality food a day. That is just not happening. I do eat less than I normally would, but it's not down to a saucer per meal by any means. I do feel pretty successful because I used to be able to eat probably 1.5 plates of food (on average) per meal. Now I probably eat 1/2 to 3/4 of a plate per meal. Obviously, that's still not in the neighborhood of a saucer. SO I made another fill appointment for this Thursday. I am going to go every week (or as often as he lets me) until the saucer of food is satisfying. 

I did get chastised by him (I'm trying not to let the negativity get to me) . . . I was only down 5 pounds. He let me have it. If I hadn't been so full of righteous indignation, I probably would have cried, and then he would have really gone for the kill. I'm not kidding when I say I haven't had someone talk to me like that since probably 7th grade when I was being picked on by a small-school bully. Well, never fear, because I finally got a word in edgewise and told him what was really going on (my lymphedema) and how I felt SUCCESSFUL because I KNOW what kind of havoc lymphedema plays with the scales. Apparently he hasn't had too many patients with lymphedema because he thought that I could just cut back on salt intake. Whatever. I had to explain it to him. He finally caught on, and eventually started being a decent human being.  Jiminy, the guy is TOUGH to take.

Anyway, I'm not about to start getting down on myself at this stage in the game. I've had NO restriction at all, a zillion gallons of lymphedema fluid taking control of my legs, and I just didn't get myself into $20K worth of debt to listen to my doctor beat me up. So there! :)

Yeah, I feel like I'm getting surgery again (without all the scary anesthesia part!). I get my first fill today! Woooo hoooo!! I'm really a little wigged out because I know I'm not "succeeding at weight loss" yet (like my surgeon likes to say). I'm not beating myself up, though, because I know I have had ZERO restriction since about day 3 post-surgery. I have been able to eat like I "normally" eat (which is way too much). Also, my lymphedema is out of control again (tends to stay that way when it's so hot that I can't stand to wear the stockings or the wraps). Lymphedema can cause a 50-lb fluctuation, so I wouldn't be surprised if I get REALLY chastised today. Anyway, I don't care. I NEED some restriction. I hope it goes well!

I guess all of my posts up until now have been about my struggle with weight and with my lapband surgery. Well, today we're going to get out of that boring rut (!) and talk about something infinitely more interesting: my sweet husband, Eric. He has been teasing me for a couple of weeks now about how he has arranged a fabulous 10th anniversary gift for me. Our anniversary is September 27th, and I didn't know how I was going to wait that long for this fabulous gift. Well, I didn't have to wait at all! He came home with it today and told me he couldn't stand it, he was going to have to give it to me early. He is so funny. He produced 54" of absolutely gorgeous pearls! Isn't he sweet? His boss went to the Philippines on business and picked them up for me. Apparently, they're well-known for pearls around those parts (I think these came from the South China Sea? Is there such a thing?). Anyway, my husband arranged with a vendor contact he knows there to have his boss go to a particular place to get these. I don't know what size they are, but they're about as big as a Cocoa Puff cereal ball (that's the only thing I can think of!! LOL). They are absolutely lovely. My husband is so sweet. He is always thinking of me and our daughter. I appreciate him probably more than he knows. I want to lose this weight so badly for him, too. He deserves a decent-looking wife! :)

OK, it's been another week. I'm still fighting the good fight. I am SO ready for that first fill, it's not even funny. I feel like the same person I've always been . .  . with the addition of five little scars across the top of my giant belly. That's the only way I really know I had surgery at all. I am very thankful that I haven't had any complications. I really am glad for that. I guess I had worked on getting to the surgery stage for so long, I feel like I'm just at a standstill now. I just have to keep reminding myself that a few more weeks isn't going to make a big difference either way. It's not that long a wait. My nieces, bless their little hearts, came back from a visit with their father in Texas this weekend. They hadn't seen me since before surgery. Both of them raved about how they thought I had lost LOTS of weight. LOL. Funny girls. They are so sweet. Sadly mistaken, but sweet anyway. :)