MyMichelle

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Psych eval:          1/11/08  DONE              
Seminar:              1/16/08  DONE             
Nutritionist:         1/26/08  DONE              
Consultation:        1/29/08  DONE              
Insurance:           3/13/08  APPROVED!
Surgery:                3/31/08  SURVIVED!
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Goal #1:  200 lbs.---->DONE! (May 11, 2008)
Goal #2:  188 lbs.---->DONE! (June 5, 2008)
Goal #3:  178 lbs.---->DONE! (June 30, 2008)
Goal #4:  173 lbs.---->DONE! (July 22, 2008)
Goal #5:  160 lbs.---->DONE! (Sept 1, 2008)
Goal #6:  150 lbs.---->DONE! (Oct 1, 2008)
Goal #7:  140 lbs.---->DONE! (Nov 1, 2008)
Goal #8:  130 lbs.

Okay, surgery is over!  Hurray!  I went in on the 31st as planned.  I sent Craig home to take care of the kids, and I'm glad I did.  I was having extreme second thoughts, and if anyone had been there, I think I would have had an anxiety attack.  So, it was good that I was alone.  It took forever to get ready.  I got there at 1:00, as they said to, and the nurse said things were moving quickly, so they were going to hurry to get me ready in case we could do surgery early.  Well, that didn't happen.  I waited and waited and waited. Surgery was supposed to be at 3:30, but by 3:00, I was seriously reconsidering and telling every nurse and doctor I could see that I wasn't sure.  They were so awesome and supportive!  They all said, "do what you feel deep inside is right!"  Even Dr. Nimeri came down and talked to me.  He sat with me for 15 or 20 minutes just giving me the facts and reassuring me that I knew what the right decision was and I would make it.  I spoke with the anesthesiologist last, and he reassured me that I wouldn't wake up in a panic attack.  That was my last fear because I had experienced it before.  So, after hours of thinking about never eating chocolate cake again and having a complication that took me from my children and what other people would think and all the millions of reasons I wasn't sure, the nurse came and said, "are you ready?"  She had a vial of versed in her hand, so I knew it was my last chance to back out.  I simply said, "okay, just do it..." and she did.  I don't know how sure I was at that moment, but for the first time in my life, I really took a HUGE leap, a risk, which is so unlike me, on something really important.  And, when I woke up, I was fine.  I asked the doctor to give me a little extra versed before surgery ended so I wouldn't remember the recovery, and I'm SOOOO glad I did.  I remember very little about it.  I remember going to my room, I think....I remember being very tired and sleeping a lot.  I remember wanting to get off of the pain meds so I wasn't so sleepy.  Otherwise, it was the next day when I told them I wanted Tylenol instead of whatever was in that PCP machine that I started to become a little more cognizant.  And, from that point on, I really began to feel like it was a good decision.  Now, it is three days later, Thursday evening after a Monday evening surgery, and I'm tired, but I think I'm going to be glad I made this decision.  I got on the scale this morning, and I weighed 223.  I was 236 at the hospital, fully dressed, so I'm guessing I'm down about 10 pounds.  That's the glycogen and water stores that my body has used.  From this point on, I'm thinking I'm truly losing fat.  Hurray!  :)

March 31st now...3:30 pm.  YIKES!

April 1st! 

They better not get me all ready and say, "April Fools"! 

Finally!  I was approved yesterday.  Now, I'm just waiting for a date.  I started a liquid diet today.  :)M

I've had my sleep study done to check for sleep apnea.  I told my doc to send in the insurance approval request without it, so we can get a head-start on getting approved.  I hope it gets approved without the sleep study.  My BMI is 39.5 on their records, so we'll see.  If they deny it, we'll have to wait until the sleep study comes back and see if it is positive.  If it is, I'll have to get a c-pap, and we'll re-submit to insurance.  That should guarantee an approval since my insurance lists sleep apnea and a bmi of 35+ as something they cover.

On another side, I picked up the Beck Diet book today.  I'm working on getting myself mentally ready for the life after surgery, changing my relationship with food, and making sure that if I do this, it WILL work. 

I'd love to transfer my food addiction to exercise.  Wouldn't THAT be cool!

Well, I finally did it.  I talked to my husband about RNY.  I had mentioned Lapband to him previously, and he was supportive, but after going to the seminar and realizing that I probably need the RNY because of my sugar addiction, I was afraid he wouldn't be as supportive.  RNY SEEMS like a much bigger surgery.  Although, my surgeon does it laparoscopically, and he says it has about the same recovery time.   Anyway, Craig was really supportive, and he thinks I should just go ahead and tell the kids and our family if I decide to do it.  I'm a little worried about the kids worrying about me and the family talking about me, but he may be right.  People will talk anyway, and the kids will be hurt if they find out after the fact.  They are really great kids, and I'm sure they will be supportive.

This is my first entry.  I have already met with the psychologist and attended the required seminar.  I will be attending the nutrition class a week from tomorrow, and my consultation is scheduled for February 19th.  I am so ready to go ahead with this, though, that I've asked the scheduler to put me on their cancellation list.  Hopefully, someone will get cold feet, and my appointment will get moved up! 

I'm conflicted about whether to tell anyone about this decision.  I know many will figure it out after I lose weight quickly, but I don't know if I want to tell them directly or not.  They can wonder all they want, but do I really have to tell them?

I know I need the support of my family and friends, but I'm worried about their reactions.  I've always been one who reads and researched extensively before making any kind of decision, so before I tell them (if I do), my decision will be made.  At that point, any negativity will just be really irritating and discouraging.  So, I'm not sure if I should do it or not.

I have to discuss this with my husband.  He knows I'm in this process, but we haven't had time to really talk about it.  I'm worried about the toll it will take on him if I'm out of commission for a week or two directly after surgery.

Then, there are my own feelings.  I am both ashamed and angry at the same time.  I'm angry that in order to be healthy mentally, I am forced into a position that makes it extremely difficult to be healthy physically.  I'm angry that my genetics make it so easy to be fat.  I'm angry that I let it go for so long.  But, I'm also ashamed.  I know that there have been plenty of times that I could have had more self-control, more discipline, and maybe I wouldn't be in as deep a hole as I am in.  At the same time, though, that makes me angry.  How many people NEVER have to deal with this issue?  Of course, we all have our temptations, trials, and difficulties to work through.  I tell my kids this all the time.  It really is true.  So, maybe this is part of mine.  I can't help but still feel a sense of shame about it, though.  It feels like I'm doing something wrong by choosing surgery. 

If something happens to me, my kids will be left without a mother and my husband without a wife.  How selfish is that?  But, then, if I don't do it, what kind of mother am I or will I be?  What kind of wife?  And, there's always the voice of the "shadow judges" who tell me there is a third option--the option I should have taken in the beginning--the option that says diet and exercise.  Maybe I just didn't try hard enough or have enough discipline.  Maybe I just didn't want it badly enough.  Maybe I was/am too selfish and undisciplined, wanting only immediate gratification. Maybe.  Maybe.  That's where the doubt and fear come from. 

I don't know the answers, and maybe I never will.  I am working on sorting these things out and finding my way.  I know I will in time.