MzDiane
Been A Minute...
Nov 13, 2010
Hi gang!I know, it has been a few minutes since I updated everyone. Life has seemed to kept moving into the future when all I wanted to do is sit still in the moment. I've been a horrible steward of my body and spirit, but I suppose that's the way we grieve. It just doesn't work well with having bariatric surgery. My vitamin levels are low and I have to get another work-up and if my levels are still low or lower, then I have to have an IV to get them up. I really can't tell that they are that far off. I feel fine, just get tired easier than I did even when I just had the surgery. I'm gonna do better though, I am trying to drag my butt out of my depression. I just can't take being depressed any more, I don't have any of my vices that I can turn to and that sux big time. I want to eat, Eat, EAT!!! Well, I can want all I want to can't I? LOL!
It is still so weired to lable myself as a widow. Every time I say it, I kind of look around for a spider to come crawling out...haha! Eh, I still feel married and in love and all that goes along with a 25 year marriage. I don't think that ever changes, I mean, like ...it isn't like a divorce...you know...like YEAH...WoooHooooo....I'm single...Let's PaRtAy! Nah, not like that. I sometimes just want to crawl into a dark corner and fade away, it's like I feel like I have a disease or something. I didn't ask for this but yet I HAVE to go through it and it pisses me off! Weird huh? Yeah, I think so too.
I still wear my wedding rings on my left finger. I have been told that I need to move on and I have been told that there is no rule book to dealing with loss. I mean there are guidelines but each person is different. Someone may move on in a few weeks, months and find another and fall in love and ...blah, blah , blah. Some NEVER finds another mate and they are quite happy with that. I'm not sure where I fit in there. I am kind of in a gray area, not knowing yet what I want and that kind of makes me want to force food into my mouth. This is the time I am so so sorry I had this surgery. I could fall into a pile of fried chicken and become a walking clogged artery again and not regret it. I have tried, believe me. It just won't fit anymore. That pisses me off too! LOL
I am trying to pick myself up and get out of this self destructive mode. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I can laugh at a memory we shared and then there are other times I wallow in agony and shreaks of hopelessness, I don't like those times so much. I am almost postitive I need to go back to my shrink but I think...what the hell can she do for me that my best friend hasn't tried or done? Eh, who knows...I'll think about it.
I am so so damn sorry that I am not my usual uplifting, motivational self. I want to get back to that so much, be patient with me, maybe one day I can be that bouncy ray of hope for all of those that need someone like that to help them make the transition to a better "rest of their lives". Ok gang, I am going to close this for now and say that....you are important...you do count...do as I say and not as I do! Hahahahahaha!!
Peace~
1 Comment
About Me
Apopka, FL
Location
26.6
BMI
Surgery
06/01/2010
Surgery Date
Oct 29, 2008
Member Since
