Hello Again- 2014

Mar 25, 2014

Well the website looks nice and fresh =) It's 2014 and I am almost 7 years post op. I had a bit of a weight loss again in about 2012. I got down to 140. Which was entirely too thin. I have been alternation between 160 and 190 the last three or four years. My fluctuation is due to emotional stress and environmental factors and my undeniable desire to be defiant. But this is no surprise. It's why I wanted the band in the first place.  So I can honestly say that my band has truly exceeded my expectations. My emotional roller coaster of weight is not longer from 140 to 250. My weight is now manageable.  I have met lots of people of the past 7 years who have had the band after I got mine and everyone seems to be impressed at the way I have been able to continue to lose and essentially keep off my weight. I am not sure if I am any different than everyone else other than I KNEW prior to having surgery the cause of my weight issues. I KNOW that when my emotions are in distress that I take it out on myself..physically, emotionally, and otherwise. So if you are reading this... you MUST do some self reflection. The mind is an amazing thing. This summer I went and bought a beautiful sheath dress at Ann Taylor. I left the store with a size 12. I ended up going back and exchanging it three times before finally getting a size 6. So even as self aware as I am, my mind still plays tricks on me.  I remember putting on the size 6  at home and the person I was told me that I was always buying things too big. And he's right. I never realize it until after the fact. I think half of it is body dysmorphia and the other have is need to have my plastics done. Not sure how that is going to happen but I hope to do so eventually. 

If you look back through my posts... I have frequently stated that I refuse to ever work out unless its dance class. Well needless to say, I started working out in Feb. Nothing too drastic, just strengthening and conditioning at home. I can see my legs getting back to normal. I say normal because I have always had muscular legs. People always ask me if I work out. lol. I have to think my daddy for having lean strong legs....well him and my heels. But that is the other thing. Feb 28th made my one year anniversary of being unemployed. I got laid off. But it was a good thing. I was at my last job with my favorite boss at our second company together and heading to our third when he died. He was my mentor and one of my biggest supporters. His death crushed me. You never realize how much someone means to you until they are gone. I never realized the impact he had on me until after 6 years of basically talking to each other everyday that I can't talk to him anymore. He had my back and always made good on his promises. Loyalty was reality to him. I feel the same way. Which is probably why we got along so well and also probably why my previous company of 5 years tried to fire me after I refused to sell him out. Corporate America.... what a gem. But when he brought me in, he told me my locations lease was due in less than two years and that if I couldn't make it work then he would just let the location go. So it wasn't a huge surprise. But without him to work for... the ignorance and downright dishonest behavior of the company disgusted me. And I am not disgruntled, the company has since been bought out so their goal all along was to get lean for purchase. But you know, what do I know? It's not like I predicted their shenanigans or anything....oh wait... I DID. ha!  But my layoff was perfect in time. I starting school full time in Fall and here I am. I should be done no later than Fall 2014 with a Bachelors of Multidisciplinary Studies degree. My goal is to do online instruction and/or blogging. I have become a huge conspiracy theorist and frankly am sick and tired of the powers that be. I feel that the internet is going to be our only savior. We can overthrow the douchebags if we are all on the same page. The internet will be the only way for us to do it.  but any who........

So the person I was dating that i spoke of earlier disappointed me in a huge way and i think I was depressed for about three weeks and then I just stopped. Thats one of the reasons I started working out. Yes, looking better when I see hi next is a part of it. But i also look at it as me finally having the courage to fight to have my needs met. I am extremely easy going in a genuine way and it hasn't been beneficial for me in my personal life. I must demand more from others and with that i must demand more from myself. I am actually ok being alone. I hadnt dated 6 years prior to the last person and I was really happy. I was going to concerts by myself and eating out by myself and going to ballet class. So I decided to get back to my happiness. Some days its hard. Some days I do feel alone. All of my friends are either married or they have kids or whatever. Which is great...but when I want to go socialize after studying all day...there isn't anyone that can just get up and go have a drink with me at 11pm. So I have decided that I must change my behaviors in order to get different results for my personal life. So I am really making an effort to change my health habits and lifestyle habits. I am the junkiest person in the world. And as soon as I blocked that assholes number I started cleaning my home in a way that I never have. and I have been keeping it up. It was like a weight was lifted from me. Don't get me wrong... I don't think he and I were meant for each other long term..but you simply don't have to be an asshole about it...especially since we had been dating off and on for two years and I all I ever asked for was honesty so that I wasn't wasting my time. But assholes will be assholes. Assholes will beg you to spend time with their family during the holiday season all while they are actively dating other people. Sounds assbackwards right? Yep. Thats the kind of hateful behavior I was dealing with. So needless to say, My home is in the best condition it has ever been in...EVER. I realized it was because I hated anything that reminded me of him. Typically, after a breakup ...I move. But since I bought a house three years ago...I can't move so easily. So I had to change everything else about my living space other than the location lol. 

So any who... hope everyone is well and I guess I am going to go find something productive to do =) See y'all later!

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