NClady910

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I weighed about 330 lbs the day of my surgery on 06/12/12.  On my anniversary the scales said 199.4.

I'm amazed at how little has changed, really.  Yes, I look better.  I definitely enjoy clothes shopping more.

People really don't treat me any differently that I can tell.  The only thing I've noticed is they seem to look at me longer -- not way longer, probably just milliseconds, but they do SEE me more than they seemed to before.  Men don't hit on me as much, though, unless I'm completely oblivious to it.  My coworkers do compliment me a lot but looking back they treat me the same as they did before.  They've been some of my biggest cheerleaders. 

I'm not BURSTING with the energy people said I would have, but I do feel better physically.  I would advise anyone doing this to start working out before surgery and don't stop!  I can tell I've lost muscle mass and I've GOT to start walking and trying to put on some muscle! 

I lost my granny on 04/19/13, she was 94 years old.  I went to see her in March (she hadn't seen me since before surgery) and she knew exactly who I was, told me my butt looked funny.  I'm glad she got to see me thinner before she went on home, though.  I know my mom can see from Heaven, but I still wish she'd lived long enough to watch me go through this journey.

My goal is to get down to 145 -- not because I want to stay there, though.  They say everyone gains 20 lbs eventually so I figure if I lose to 145 and gain 20 I'll be at 165, which is exactly where I've wanted to be all along.  I have no desire to be skinny.

No skin problems except, naked, I look like a Shar-Pei.  My thighs are very .... hangy.  No skin infections, though.  No complications whatsoever other than some HORRIBLE fatigue the first 3 months that turned out to be caused by my body trying to fight off a tooth infection.  I've lost 2 cup sizes in my boobs -- I'm now a C cup, however I still look proportionate which is nice. 

What I can tolerate, food wise, is hit and miss.  I still eat some things with sugar in them, but sugar just doesn't have the appeal that it used to.  I can handle hamburger, but can't eat a whole hamburger.  I haven't tried steak, I'm scared to because I had a very bad experience with pot roast.  Throwing up is VERY different postop -- it's harder, I guess because your stomach muscles are altered and they can't help you do it like they could preop. 

I'm very good about my vitamins and calcium.  I haven't woke up gasping in my sleep in months although my husband says I do still snore some. 

 

Had my surgery the 12th, did fine.  Did have to stay an extra night due to the pain.t

Not hungry most of the time.  I've been staying away from TV due to all of the damn food ads -- good grief, no wonder everyone's getting fat, the TV shoves food in our faces several times an hour! 

Being on all liquids is very hard.  I hate most of the protein stuff -- I can't stand my protein powder at all and I can't really afford to go out and buy more.  So I'm definitely not doing good in the protein department but figure I'll be ok until I can go to solids (or, at least, make it to payday).

I'm averaging about a pound a day, I think.  On the 10th I weighed 330 even on my home scales; today I was 317.2


 

There is something I need to get off my chest. 

I don't know if this is an issue because I"m fat, or because I'm me, or maybe it's not even an issue at all and I'm just imagining things ...

but ...

I am really, really tired of not being heard.

I very rarely interrupt people because I think it's extremely rude.  Yet I get interrupted constantly.  People around me yak yak yak and I can't get a word in edgewise.  If they're not blatantly interrupting me, they're carrying on a conversation as if I'm not in the room. 

My uncle, for example.  I love him dearly but when he calls it's 20 minutes of listening to him talk.  I can't finish a sentence. There are things I'd like to talk about but he's too busy rambling.  

I feel ignored at work as well.  I'll say something and it feels as if most of the time it's not heard (and I am *not* soft spoken so it's not a vocal volume thing).

I don't have any delusions that having this surgery is going to completely change my life and take away all my problems.  I'll still be the same person.  People around me will be the same. 

Will losing weight make me more assertive, though?  Will I get to the point where I'm like "screw it" and I start interrupting people .... or will people actually start thinking I have something worthwhile to say?

I hope this doesn't sound like a pity party, I don't mean for it to be.  

I don't need the world to hang on my every word.  And not *everyone* around me does this, but it's enough lately that I'm really getting frustrated. 

I wish I could get some feedback on this, but nobody's reading it anyway.




 

June 12th!

This is all happening so fast!   

Did my cardio clearance and apparently my heart is in FANTASTIC shape. 

Heard from Duke today, they're going to pull my chart and see if anything else needs to be done.  They asked me when I wanted my surgery - I was like, what?  Already? 

So as of now they're tentatively eyeing the 2nd week of June but that could change.

I'm scared.

I'm not scared of dying on the table.  I'm scared of postop infections and/or twisted bowels.  That's all.

I gotta think positive.  I gotta trust God on this one.  If He brings me to it, He'll bring me through it.

Meanwhile since my last blog post I had a nice talk with one of my next door neighbors and turns out she had it done in 2009.  She says she'll help any way she can after I have my surgery; she's so sweet.

Gotta breathe ...

Had the barium swallow.  It was awful, I threw up twice.  

The fizzy barium part wasn't too bad.  It was that icky thick sludge they kept telling me to chug as fast as I can.  Ugh.

They found a hiatal hernia, which I already knew I had.  No biggie.

Waiting on my cardio appointment.

Starting to learn toward surgery in May or June for various reasons.  Still not sure, though. 

Trying to make changes beforehand.  I've been practicing not drinking anything for half an hour after I eat.  I find it's easiest when I'm at work.  Soon I'm going to start experimenting with protein powders.  I'd like to dump a nice 20 lbs before the surgery. 

Trying to get off sugar again.  I was sugar-free for almost 2 years and fell off the wagon in August.  I could kick myself.  That said ... when I get off of it again, I know it'll be forever.  If God will grant me one more clean break from sugar, I won't go back.  Not worth it.

I'm not about to go have this surgery and put myself through the wringer just to be one of those people that gains everything back within 5 years then starts posting YouTube rants about how the surgery doesn't work.  Eff that! 

So I had my first appointment at Duke yesterday.

First I saw the nutritionist; she was pretty cool.  Then I saw the shrink's assistant who was also way cool, then I saw the shrink for a bit.  Then I met with Dr. Portnier.  I likes, a lot.  He's done about 2,000 surgeries so I feel I'm in pretty good hands.

I go for a barium swallow later this month.  My heartbeat has been doing a weird racing thing lately so I have to get cardio clearance.  The heart thing has been around since puberty but over the past couple of months it's gotten more frequent.  I'm trying to really limit my caffeine and I think that's helped somewhat.  At any rate, I don't think there's anything truly wrong with my heart, but I'm definitely glad I'm going to see a cardiologist first. 

As it stands now, I'm - just like I was planning last year - waiting until after July 1st, when the new insurance year kicks in.  I'd do it tomorrow if I knew I wouldn't have any complications.  I don't think I will have complications, but if I don't wait and end up haing complications, I know I'll kick myself.  Plus I'd like to build up some more leave at work first.

I'm soooo tempted to just get it done ASAP, like sometime in April. 

I should wait.  I'm gonna wait. 

Don't wanna, but I want to do what's best for my family financially.  Plus if I do it during the summer, when I'm at home recovering I'll be able to spend time with the kidlet.  

Enough for now.

Ok so things I've been wondering as I surf the site:

1.  What is UP with all these postop divorces?!?!  Are people just in crappy marriages and the weight loss gives them the "oomph" to leave, or are they just getting snooty and abandoning the spouses that loved them when they were still fat? 

Years ago I was a welfare caseworker in West Virginia.  I had a client who ended up divorced after her WLS - why?  Her husband wasn't attracted to her anymore.  At the time I thought to myself "oh, the irony!  Surely there is a God!"  I think overall though that was a BS reason to get divorced.  Attraction waxes and wanes.  You don't break up your kids' home over stupid stuff like that.  

2.  I look at the before and after pics and I'm in awe ... yet most of them are YEARS old!  I'll go to the person's profile and they haven't logged in since like 2003.  What's up with that?  And why aren't people who are recently postop posting their pics?  

3. What is the difference between those who keep the weight off postop and those who gain it back?  Are the ones who gain it back simply not exercising and eating junk or is there more to it than that?  What can I start doing now, several months preop, to ensure that I'm one of the ones who keeps it off?

I'm going to start seeing a therapist soon ... mostly to deal with my grief from losing my mom, but I figure I may as well deal with everything else while I'm at it.  I don't think all fat people are fat because they're screwed up in the head but I've definitely got some issues.  

Whatever makes me eat too much, I want it gone.  Damned if I know WHAT it is, though, considering I was literally born fat.  9 1/2 lbs at birth and 30 lbs by 6 months.  I have never, ever, EVER been normal.  I've never gone 1 day feeling comfortable in my own skin and unashamed of my looks.  

I can't really even fathom what that would be like.

Got a call from Duke today, which shocked me since I just turned in my application last night online.  Their site says give them 30 days to process everything.

I'm scared. 

I think these days I'm more afraid of dying than I am complications.  About this time last year a girl I went to high school with died from a postop infection after having gastric bypass.  She had some kind of perforation in her intestines and went septic.  Sweet, sweet girl, left behind a husband and 3 beautiful kids.

I know the statistics, I know her death was a freak occurrence but it's still sobering.  Had she not had that surgery, she'd probably still be alive today.  Yes, she was overweight, but she was young and not in any danger of immediate death or anything. 

I know I'm being weird.  I didn't give it a second thought when I had my gall bladder removed, and the mortality rate for a cholecystectomy is only a fraction smaller than the mortality rate for gastric bypass.

I'll be ok. 

"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord."  (Psalm 118:17)


Right?

3 weeks (to the day) after my last blog post, my mother was found dead in her bed.

63 years old.  Died in her sleep.  Looking back, there were warning signs, but I was too stupid to connect the dots.  There was no autopsy but I gathered her medical records and read 'em -- I'm pretty sure it was a stroke.  She'd had 4 TIA's and her brain had way too much white matter disease for someone her age.

Nobody lives very long on that side of the family.  Mom took after her dad and his people.  My grandmother's people are indestructible - my grandmother, 92 at the time, was the one who found Mom dead that morning.  How any 92 year old can find their child dead in bed and not drop dead themselves is beyond me, but she's still with us and, frankly, doing better than I am, emotionally.  

Mom's dad (my grandaddy) died at 63.  Pulmonary embolism while he was hospitalized.  Hospitalized for what?  A stroke.

Grandaddy's mom died at 58 (stroke).

Grandaddy's dad somehow managed to make it to 67 (stroke), which is OLD for the men.  HIS father, however, only made it to 54.

Grandaddy's brother died at 61.  His daughter died at 63 (stroke). 

Grandaddy's other brother lived to 79, but that's because his wife never let him eat anything good.  My uncle is still around at 69 but has been in bad health for years.  I am terrified he will die before my grandmother.  Not that I want my Granny to go anytime soon but she shouldn't have to bury both of her kids.

So yeah.  I come from a long line of people who aren't put together very well.  And I am, by far, the biggest in the entire family. 

So Mom's death pretty much ruined 2011 and killed any plans I had for the year.  Surgery has been the last thing on my mind.  

It's gotta be done, though.  I may die in my 60s anyway like the rest of them but dammit I'm not spending the other half of my life fat.