Having a revision, Band over Bypass

Sep 23, 2013

Grrrrr I just wrote a long long story of how I got here and it got deleted.  oh well guess it wasn't meant to be told.  So I will just give the gist of what's going on with me...

GB in 2009, went from 300 to 168 n 5 months, got pregnant at the 5 month mark, had that baby went from a med to a large, 8 MOS after that baby I got pregnant again, began taking some meds that made me gain like 20 lbs instantly, during that pregnancy i was hospitalized for bed rest at 27 weeks, had baby at 30 wks and my baby girl, a preemie, was in home quarantine until she turned 1 Apr 2013.  Then I started working out, focusing on getting me back right.  Well after realizing the weight I had gained of course I went into a deep depression blaming everything but the weight and now I am back up to 258 lbs.  When I had  my baby girl I was at 220.  Now I am on bp meds, sleep meds and muscle relaxers, oh and a 2 wk steroid regime.  again, now I am 258.  I went to the Dr 4 wks back to ask about the extra skin (I laugh now b/c now I know how delusional I was to think the weight came from excess skin, it was fat!) Dr asked questions about my pouch, eating too much and then ordered some tests to look inside of me.  Did all that and the verdict is my pouch is still small, but the opening has expanded.  That verdict brought me to now, I am my pre-op diet to have a Lap Band over my Gastric Bypass, band over bypass BOB, surgery on Thursday Sept 26.  Yep that's where I am.  Back on the weight loss surgery train again.  Toot tooooot.Yeah O_o.

I am not excited. Well I am a bit.  I am scared. Not scared of the surgery.  Scared of facing myself again.  I know its me and only me I have to worry about judging me, but I guess yourself can be your biggest critic. I feel as though I kind of failed myself.  I say kind of because I achieved both main goals of the surgery, loose weight and have babies.  But now I have to do it all over again just to achieve the weight goal.  I feel like I have to focus this goal on myself. Like this revision is a second chance to do this for me.  I know I can do it.    It a lot of work. Sighhhh a lot of work!!! I don't think people who haven't had a weight loss surgery can understand how much work actually goes into loosing weight even after you have surgery.  Surgery is just a expensive implanted tool I have because I failed at using more conventional means of loosing weight.  Everyone blames the pregnancies, yeah they happened, yeah I stretched, but really? A revision Nikki??? LOL this is me finally owing up to myself. I'm having a revision to loose weight, again.  I thank God for a second chance or rather the good insurance and doctors who have helped me understand that its not just me.  Its not just me, though I do have a high percentage of blame.  Yes, I do understand that.  I do understand that I failed myself on staying with proper nutrition and exercise amongst all the other things I put before myself.  I am in agreement that it is time I start anew focusing on myself and giving up all the things that are holding me back from NOT being depressed and having low self esteem.  I am ready to take this responsibility.

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