Bandwagon? Where are you?

Apr 22, 2010

 I've fallen and I can' t get up... Lol... I really have fallen off the bandwagon BIG TIME.  I've gained 15 lbs in the last 4-6 months.  It's terrible I know... My friends and family have been trying to help me and this has been my reaction ->  Lol... It's not funny cuz it's true.  I haven't wanted to listen to anyone- been in denial of myself but I can't do it anymore.  My clothes don't fit me and I refuse to buy anything larger than a size 12...  I WON'T DO IT!!!
I am disappointed and disgusted with myself... I don't feel beautiful or sexy right now... I feel like that awful fat girl I used to see in the mirror...  And, I know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to do anything for me.  I just need to get this out of me because I am so angry with myself.... Then, I can start refocusing again...
I don't know what the f*** is wrong with me right now... UGH!!!  My life is great, well.... It's good.    I have a job- not LOVING my job right now but I'm ok here and I'm doing good here.  My family is the same as always- WONDERFUL!!!  And, I'm in love  with a wonderful man (same one from my last post) and we're living together and it's great... So, really, getting it together should be easy for me... ::sigh:: I am my own worst enemy.

My goal is to get it together...  So, I can feel and be me, again...

Wish me luck!!!
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SUMMER OF FUN

Aug 26, 2009

It's been a while since I've posted here and I wish I would've been doing it more... This is like my journal of fatness... Helps me re-think and re-focus my goals regarding my weight and my life in general...

This has been the summer to top all summers... I've never had this much fun in my entire life- and that includes my college days... LOL... I've partied and gone out every single weekend since the beginning of June - NON STOP!!!    It has been great... I finally feel like I've left that fat insecure girl behind... Now, don't get me wrong, I definitely do not feel skinny but I do feel more in my own skin.  I feel like ME again and it's been a while.  I've been open to new friends and experiences and it's been great.  The friends I made this summer are amazing people and I love them all very dearly.  I hope that we continue to build those friendships.  Most importantly, I am now my sister's SISTER as opposed to her sistermom (lol).  We've become so close, it's scary and wonderful- we're two adults sharing a wonderful bond- true sisters... I can't even explain how fulfilling that has been for me. 

I met someone that makes me smile and, although, I don't think we're going to be together long-term, he's good for me right now- just what I needed...   Made me realize that I could fall in love again, that I am beautiful and sexy, and worthy of someone wanting me; that love is around the corner when you least expect and with whom you least expect.  It's just been a great experience so far and I wouldn't trade it (or him) for anything right now.

I've continued to lose weight, which is the most important thing... Well... I was losing weight until this week... This morning I was 3 lbs heavier... But, I've been a fat b*tch this week... REAL, REAL BAD... Eating way too much, drinking WAY too much... And, I didn't even workout... LIFE SUCKS!  But, I need to refocus now... I'm in a wedding in 6 weeks and I need to lose 10 lbs before then... I know I can do it... I just have to start working out, again... Measuring my food... Drinking my protein and water... FOCUS!!!  

I won't beat myself up... Life is about living and I wouldn't change a thing... You've heard me say it before and I'll say it again- when you fall off the bandwagon, get up and jump back on!  That's exactly what I'm going to do... I know that this will never come naturally to me... I know that I will ALWAYS struggle with food and staying "thin" (I use that term loosely)... I will always have to work at it... I will always fall of the bandwagon and have to start over... It won't ever be easy.  That's ok!!!  I can deal with that... I'm happy now. 
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Post fill blues... lol... and, happy times, too!

Jun 23, 2009

So, it's been a little over a month since I had my 2nd fill and I have to tell you it has been an uphill battle... Not a bad one but definitely uphill... This has been the biggest behavior adjustment since I had my surgery a little over a year ago... The chewing thing is still not under control... I've thrown up several times over the last month from taking a first bite that was too much or not chewing something thoroughly or anything doughy getting stuck (that's my favorite)... It's been awful at those times... Can't eat anything that's to dry or it won't go down...
But, I'm determined... lol... I'm determined to eat the food that I want to eat... I'm willing to negotiate on certain things like more beans, less rice (to dry)... no fried meat, etc... I want to enjoy food!  And, that was my biggest fear when I got this fill- that I wouldn't be able to enjoy food the way I used to... Truth is- I can't.  BUT, I can live with the way I'm enjoying food right now. 
Sometimes I get bummed and annoyed at the tightness because it makes me rethink everything I eat from platanos to salchichon (Dominican food)... lol.. HOWEVER, I've lost somewhere between 8-10 lbs since I've been adjust so I can't complain.  I'm feeling prettier and sexier than I've felt in a very long time... It's crazy!!!  My mom called me a hoochie mama because I've been going so much... LMAO! 
I also hit the gym again- FULL FORCE!!!   Started to run and I'm actually enjoying it... I did my first 5K last week and even though I was the last one to finish on my team- I FINISHED with a 13 min mile!  Go me!!!  Going to the gym at least 4x per week!!!  I'm doing it... I'm motivated right now... I have a goal to lose 11 lbs and I want to achieve that ASAP... After that, we'll see what goal we set...

A little motivation for my fellow OH members:
My point is that this is hard... It's very hard.  But, we can do it... All we have to do is motivate!!!  One of my favorite quotes - "It's supposed to be hard.  If it wasn't hard anyone could do it.  The HARD is what makes it great." (Tom Hanks, A League of their Own)  And, as I've said in my previous blogs, if  you mess up, gain weight, stop going to gym, eat too much, eat "bad" stuff, etc., FORGIVE YOURSELf and keep going. 

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Chewing...

May 27, 2009

Where do I start?  lol 

When I first had my surgery, I thought to myself, "I've never chewed food this much."  BUT, now after my 2nd fill, I can truly say that I have NEVER chewed food this much.  Sweet Jesus!!! 

Chewing is so much freakin' work... We should calculate the amount of calories we burn chewing our food... It could make a huge difference... LOL

Anyhoo, short posting on my chewing frustrations... It's hard but we have to do it, right?  Argh!
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I WILL SURVIVE

May 26, 2009

Ok, so I've made it 5 days since my fill... I did call the doctor's office on Friday and they really helped to calm me down and tell me to relax... Sometimes I just need things explained to me like I'm a 5 year old... Geez!

I've been on a mostly "liquid" diet since Thursday but in the last two days I've introduced chicken, rice and a little salad... Not bad at all... of course took some bigger bites at first that made my chest hurt where the band is but then adjusted and made sure I chewed the crap out of the food... I did tell my mom that I have to get used to the fact that I'll never eat hot food again because I'm eating so freakin' slow it takes me like 20 minutes just to swallow 3-5 oz of food.  OH WELL!!! 

On the other hand, I did lose 4 lbs!!!!!!   YEAH!!!!!!!!!! 

So, then I went shopping with my mom and sister for some summer work clothes and a bathing suit and the witches made me buy this bathing suit that's cut out all around- damn near a bikini... They said it looks very cute but I don't know... I'm one of those ppl that STRONGLY believes that just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should be wearing it!!!!!!  Nothing worse than a fat person wearing something that does not look right with fat and bellies (yes, plural) all hanging out... NOT CUTE!!!   But, if I keep losing weight like this I may just be able to wear it in a few weeks... lol... I have no shame in wearing anything, as long as it looks good!

The only thing I need to do now is go back to working out...  I haven't completely fallen off the workout wagon but it's been about 2 1/2 - 3 weeks since I've been to the gym... I've had so much going and so much to do... There's always something, I know... I shouldn't make excuses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ta ta for now!!

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Fill # 2

May 21, 2009


Ok, so it's been a LLLLLLOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG while since I posted on here BUT, I got my second fill yesterday... They put in 2-2.5 cc... I feel like I can't swallow ANYTHING... This morning I had 3 grapes- couldn't keep it down... Then tried some cereal with milk- couldn't keep it down...  Tried to take my calcium pill- it feels like it's stuck in my chest... Took an Excedrin for cramps and I think it's chillin' with the calcium pill right now... I have cramps and a freakin' headache from thinking about this adjustment too much...

My mom says that I'm just not used to it and that'll I'll get used to it... She says that we (Latin ppl... lol) like to eat  a lot and eat way too fast... That I just need to slow down and see how it goes... SO, I will definitely give this new adjustment a try for a few weeks but if I can't eat that will be a big problem because I F'ING LOVE TO EAT!!!   lol  I mean, I love food!!!  I cannot live on a liquid/soft foods diet- that sh*t just won't work for me.... We shall see...

Now don't get me wrong, the fill was absolutely necessary because I've hit a wall named ME!!!  I needed the adjustment and I even started seeing a nutrtionist but I'm still my own worst enemy... I'm good 75% of the time but the other 25% is so bad that it doesn't allow for progress!  I suck!!!!!
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Baby Steps

Dec 17, 2008

So, I'm still having some of the feelings from my last post but not so bad... I've gotten a little better but not anywhere near where I need to be.  

I'm falling off the bandwagon - literally.  Barely hangin' on... But, doing better than I was doing in November.  I've lost a total of 40lbs but not really trying the way I should be.

As I said, need to get back to basics...

Was watching The Biggest Loser finally and they said a key thing - gotta live in the moment.  I need to re-focus on me; need to do something...  I don't know.  OR, maybe I do know but I'm refusing to really look within myself to find the answers...

What are WE afraid of?  Because I know it's more people know what I'm feeling...  
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Um...

Nov 24, 2008

 I'm feeling... I don't know. 

I'm having all sorts of crazy feelings... I don't think I'm taking care of myself the way I should.  I haven't gained weight but I have really lost weight in the last few months.  I've lost so far a total of 35lbs and I'm happy with that but I need to keep going.

So, what's going on?    IT'S ME DAMMIT!

Why is that we (fat people - lol) are our own worst enemies?  I'll confess and maybe this will help me get over the hump and get back on track.   I have been over eating by drinking liquids with my meals (not all meals but I've done it when I want to).  I'm not taking my protein shakes consistently.  I'm scared that I may have dilated my pouch... I don't have any symptoms of dilatation but I'm afraid that it's happening because of the way I'VE been for the last few weeks.  I feel that I've been more "burpy" than usual... What does that mean, if anything?

I really need to get back to basics!!!  I'm in a bit of a slump and it really has nothing to do with weight loss or eating or the surgery but I do need to figure it out because it's affecting all those things.  

I need to go back to portioning my meals and drinking my shakes, etc.  I cannot take steps backwards.  This surgery was a big sacrifice, a big deal, a big decision for me,  a life change that I wanted to make for ME!

I'm praying for strength... So, if you have any words for me - SHARE THEM... 

First Fill

Oct 02, 2008

I got my first fill today .  It was a big one - 4.5cc - and I have to admit I'm a little scared...  I wonder if it's too much... if I'll eat the same... what comes next... just worried! 

Otherwise, life is good... I've lost a total of 30lbs, which has stayed the same in the last few weeks due other issues out of my control. So I guess you could say I hit a brick wall ->  LOL

I think the fill will definitely help me over the hump and get refocused, which is what I need right now.  I want to make a committment to start going to the support meeting and/or some 1on1 counseling... Need to get a handle on the emotional eating... lol...

2 months POST Op

Jul 30, 2008

So, it's been a while... and, honestly for a while I was moving like a  turtle... I went on vacation for 10 days, then off site work meetings, my mom was sick in the hospital for few days... etc, etc... In other words, EXCUSES!  I'm honest with myself... That's exactly what they are...
But, I went to see the my doctor on 7/17/08 and I've been MUCH better since then.  I've hit the gym diligently and I'm eating the right stuff (although I think I'm eating too much).  I've lost 4 lbs since 7/17... Because I hadn't lost weight in 3 weeks my doctor wanted me to get an adjustment as soon as I hit 3 months but I wanted to wait and see if I could do it once I jumped back on the bandwagon so I didn't schedule it.
Well, I did jump back on the bandwagon but I also realized that I do need that adjustment so I'm going to schedule my appointment for mid to late September. 
I've been doing pretty good.  The protein shakes make a HUGE difference in my hunger levels... The only thing I'm struggling with lately is my water intake... Been so lazy about it and I can't get in enough water... Believe me I'm paying for it elsewhere ->  LOL... I need to get it together in that area... So bad! 
One last thing... Today I ate like a huge fat a$$... I haven't eaten like this since before the surgery... And, it wasn't even the amount of food, although I did overeat... I had chicken fingers with cheese fries... I feel so sick right now!  I am STUFFED beyond belief.  That's what I get for being greedy... BUT, I'll forgive myself...   I'll get back back up and keep it movin'. 
Today I'm going to my first Support Group meeting... So excited!

About Me
Parsippany, NJ
Location
32.0
BMI
Surgery
06/03/2008
Surgery Date
Apr 15, 2008
Member Since

Friends 39

Latest Blog 14
Um...
First Fill
2 months POST Op

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