nessa315

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I weighed in on the 22nd of June and I was hoping to lose 7Lbs for the week, but it was a minor downer I had only lost 2.8Lbs...So all in all I have lost 9.6Lbs this month so far. Hopefully this week I pulled off 5pounds but I guess that depends on how much exercise into my daily routine. I have set a goal weight for myself and I want to drop down to 230 and then see how it goes from there.Keep your fingers cross everyone that I do as good as I know I will do!!!!

Well yesterday was Monday june 15th and I had my first offical weigh in at Weight watchers, I was kind of nervous to step on the scale but I held my head up high and got up on the scale... She paused for a minute and said I could step off. She said congrats Vanessa you dropped 7lbs from last monday. My heart lit up!!!! I'm hoping that this week I can have another 7lbs drop.

Well friday the 5th ws my 22nd birthday and my dad decided to get me a gift of good health. He signed me up for weight watchers nd will pay each time I go to weigh in. a few months ago I believe it ws september or october I weighed in at 450lbs....my starting weight for Weight Watchers is 420lbs, Hopefully I can make a good change to my lifestyle and habits. My dad is on this journey with me... I was thinking about getting  camcorder and documenting my journey into  helthier lifestyle....my starting goal is to lose 21lbs then I'm going to shot for a 140lb loss...

Well I have moved in with my mother and have been waiting for my medicaid to run out from where I was living and that happens may 31st. So I called Affinity Health today because I was told a few months ago to call back when I moved down in the area they cover and now they say I can not get coverage because I am on Disability...So pretty much at the moment I want to give up, my mom told me not to worry about it because it's not like I'm going to see anyone this week any how... That's clearly not the point, in order for the Dr. I was refered to to see me they told me I need to get something to go along with my medicaid...I'm on SSI obviously they only give you straight medicaid and now I'm being told that this is an elective surgery so I will most likely need to pay out of my pocket.... How in the hell am I going to do that??? I'm on a fixed income and by the time all my bills are paid and what not I have only about 50 dollars to my name, That means I will be saving money for the next 5 years or so to come anywhere close to paying for this surgery....It down right blows!!!!! Everything happens for a reason right? Maybe this is a sign that it is mean't for me to be fat. I'm trying not to cry but damn it blows, I been working on this for the past 8 months for something to come to a screeching hault.

   On top of everything I have been dealing with some major habits that I have not dealt with in a while, I have been so stressed I actually picked up a Cigarette.... Yeah not the best thing to do

Tonight I was watching Inside brookhaven Obesity Cinic It just tore me to pieces and I hope and pray I never have the problems the people on the show did... It was sad and my heart really does go out to them. My mother and I have been sitting here in tears, talking about making  change in our lives. We need to get Healthier, I give kudos to my mom she hasn't smoked in three weeks while I quit for eight months and started right back up again. I must admit I'm ashmed of myself....I think I'm going to take advantage of my lifetime YMCA membership I have only used about six times. I also need to get another form of insurance to see Dr. Kwon so tomorrow I am going to call Affinity and see if I am eligable for healthcare with them.

I have also been so depressed and lonely lately that I called Occupations to set up some therapy and they aren't taking any new clients.... I'm kind of pissed that the only place in town to get some therapy and they aren't taking any new patients??? Can't believe it!!!!

Thanksgiving was great seen family and had fun talking and chatting with lots of family... up until I had a bout of humiliation I was I was sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner when the chair collapses on me... Omg how embarassing is that? I ran to the bathroom and broke down with tears...then I go back to the table my family is laughing and all that.... and they notice my tears and tell me not to cry it happens.... I asked them if they had a chair ever break on them?  matter of fact three chairs that are suppose to be sturdy break on you... they said no of course and I asked them how would they know if I wasn't embarassed or upset about the whole ordeal.... then they want to watch "Shallow Hal"  Where the charecter is a heavy set woman and every chair she sat in broke.... that made me feel 100% better.... yeah right I felt like I was shrinking with each bout of laughter......

Went to the Dentist on wed the 19 and had my wisdom tooth extracted come to find out, that tooth could have been saved the cavity wasn't deep at all and a root canal was possible.... why he didn't want to save it is beyond me I guess wisdom teeth you don't really need right? well at least it was only one tooth....then on thursday the 20th I went to the Gynecologist, he ordered a Trans Vaginal sonogram to be done awhile ago but I haven't been able to get it done.... he needs this stuff to determine if my condition is bad enough for a hysterectomy......but some good news out of going to the dr......I got weighed and in september I was 450lbs as of november 20 I weigh 408lbs that is a 42lbs drop I am so happy....
   Sadly that day my grandmother had surgery on her back done...they put a steel rod in her back because her spine was deteriorating ( withering away to nothing)....she was in surgery for 6 hours and she is doing fine resting up and all that...my grandmother is a damn trooper! and I love her for that!!!!!

Well I seemed to have lost a little bit of weight I am down to 426...not sure how that is at all possible... I called Dr. Kwon's office finally and was told that he doesn't take just plain old medicaid...So either I have to find a surgoen in the hudson valley that takes plain old medicaid or save up the money and get it done in mexico....not to big on that idea though. I'm hoping with this surgery my back aches will go away, I will be able to sleep better, be more energetic, Have regular periods(the main reason my Dr. refered me to Dr. Kwon), possibly be able to bare a child....I guess I will have to keep pushing forward and see what happens

Well I had a pretty devastating blow to my self-esteem on the 8th... I found out that within in 9 to 10 months I have gained well over 150 pounds.... I am 450lbs yikes... that is horrible you can imagine what I did? yep cried my little eyes out and threatened to starve myself not the brightest idea I have had so far I know... so my gynecologist refered me to Dr. Kwon the thing is Kwon from what I have guessed about him due to his website only does the lapband surgery and I am looking into getting the rny done.... so what do I do and where do I go from here? I'm like a hopeless fat monster with a BMI of 79.7 thats not good at all on top of a 5'3 frame and only 21.... THAT IS NOT GOOD AT ALL!!! I am really scared and need this change more then I really thought I do....

I thought If I changed my Mattress my back woouldn't kill me when I was laying down but holy moly was I wrong.... The first week or so my back didn't hurt but the last couple of weeks omg have I been in pain.... The only time my back would hurt would be when I walked 20 feet or stand for two mins I know thats really bad.... Hopefully when I start to do my thing and lose some weight I will be better then normal but then again I don't just think its because of my weight..... I think it has to do some part with when I was playing with my brothers out in the snow and they got a little roudy and flipped me onto my back and I heard it *POP*...... But who knows, maybe it is because I'm heavy I guess time will only tell whats really going on with me......