Mean Coach or Cheerleader? Which One Are You?

Jul 25, 2015

Each Monday I create a Manifest Monday Post on my Facebook page…and this past week I set this intention “I manifest a consistent joyful practice of moving my body to increase my fitness and health levels.”  This has been a primary focus of mine as I have learned that I have let a Mean Coach running amok in my head. It has been shaming me and stealing the joy and fun that can be had in regards to exercise.

You see I fell for the lie we tell ourselves, that we must shame, degrade and force ourselves to get things done. What I learned, is that I have used exercise as a tool to punish my body because I did not like the way it looked.  I have allowed a MEAN COACH in my brain to pit me against myself. If I use exercise as a tool to punish my body because I listened to this Mean Coach, how likely is it that I will continue to move my body? That I will find fun in it? Not likely. It is  a vicious cycle of negative reinforcement that is not sustainable or joyful.

I wondered if there was another way? If I could release the need to punish my body with exercise, and fire that Mean Coach? If I could use exercise as a tool for self care and love towards my body, what kind of voice would come about? I have the answer! It is a Cheerleader with the happiest, most vibrant voice that emerges. It encourages, it shines, it embraces movement as a joyful gift to my body instead of a punishment. I never in a million years thought that I could exercise with joy and love for my body, instead of punishment and loathing.

We can in fact Retrain Our Brain to celebrate our progress, which in turn leads us to finding success in our goals, with fun, joy and ease. I have learned to replace the Mean Coach with a Cheerleader. You can learn this too! If you would like to know how, contact me and I will help you fire your Mean Coach too!

Check out my blog on my website for the full story http://nicole.lewis-keeber.com/

 

1 comment

We all want a finish line moment

Jul 12, 2015

At 360 lbs walking without losing my breath and having to stop was almost impossible! Hell sleeping at night without stopping breathing was also not the norm. I had to have a machine to keep my oxygen flowing, so to imagine running a 5K was so out of reach in my mind. What I have found as I have moved through this pathway of releasing weight and then welcoming it back for deep emotional reasons, is that we are all seeking a finish line moment. In every group and program I have been in there are new post ops who have now become runners and then run races! They fall so in love with moving their bodies in ways they never could..and man they LOVE that finish line moment!. I mean who wouldn't! They love it so much that many end up hurting themselves and then are no longer able to run. They then lose faith and fall apart! They loved that finish line! The problem is that not all of us can run, but we still want a finish line moment. I learned the hard way hitting your " goal weight" is a fleeting finish line moment, the line keeps moving and moving away. What I am learning to do is to find other ways to have that finish line moment, but in a way that is sustainable and is not a mirage. I want that moment in my health, fitness, and career. I have further begun to question the benefit of a finish line......if we finish then what? So we increase the distance of the finish line.....we change our goal weight....it is never quite enough because we want that finish line desperately but then we don't know how to handle it once it is gone. My question is....Is a finish line more valuable then a run itself? 

1 comment

I no longer want to lose weight

Jun 07, 2015

Today I have decided to change my language. I am no longer going to say " I want to lose weight"  What I have learned is that when I use language like this, it causes my body and mind to contract and retain. I don't know about you but I don't want to LOSE anything in life, the idea of losing something causes me extreme panic! So when I tell my body I want to lose weight, it puts me in a state of panic and contraction. When we lose something what do we do? We spend our time energy and attention towards finding it and getting it back.  I need to change my language, I need to communicated intentionally with my body and mind so we are in agreement and collaborate on our goal. 

From now on I am saying " I release the weight with ease"  In this space me and my body can agree, feel at peace, and allow for a release without fear or panic. Intention and words are powerful, use them for your benefit and understand their power. To be successful with this journey you HAVE to learn and understand that it is so much more than the surgery. Creating a holistic approach will be the thing that leads to your ultimate life long success because the surgery only helps for so long. 

I RELEASE WEIGHT WITH EASE! WHAT I SEEK IS ALSO SEEKING ME

2 comments

The great Hunger Lie

Jun 03, 2015

Today as I was munching on some macadamia nuts for a snack, I became keenly aware that I was still munching and that I was no longer hungry. Yet I did not stop. I am not sure about you but I have rarely in my life eaten for hunger, in the old days I ate so much and so often I never experienced hunger. After my RNY it was a good long time before I felt hungry again. I realize that even now, my connection to my hunger is complicated. These days I am often hungry when I eat, but it takes so little to get rid of that feeling. I rarely stop to check in with myself and ask am I still hungry? I just eat until I am done. Today I asked myself am I still hungry I said no...so then I asked the head hunger...what do you need? Why are we still eating? It clearly told me, you cannot trust yourself, you are still hungry, you cannot trust yourself so you must eat until it is gone. I then asked it why I could not trust myself? It said simply....because you are always wrong. 

I have been wrong a lot in my life that is for sure, but I never realized what a lie head hunger is. I suppose I have lived most of my life feeling like I cannot trust myself and that I must be over ruled. SO when I am not longer physically hungry and want to stop eating my head says. NO NO NO you cannot trust your judgement...eat until it is gone. Or eat often because you cannot be trusted. 

I realize there is a deep lie in the hunger, there is a limited belief underneath it. I am using Tapping to identify and release the limiting beliefs that are in my way. So I suppose I need to do some tapping on that head hunger and give it permission to go and to trust me to make the right decisions.

2 comments

Rebirth

Jun 02, 2015

My apologies for letting this group go silent. My intention is to bring back support, and discussion to this group, and in the post op community. If there subjects you would like to discuss, let me know and I will work on organizing a forum. 

0 comments

The more things change the more they stay the same

Jun 02, 2015

It has been over three years since my last post. I will admit that I have moved away from OH as a outlet as Facebook has been my preferred place to get and give support. There was a time that this forum, this website and the connections I made here were as important to my daily life as FB is now. Much has changed and much has not. The relationships I severed once I realized that they did not serve my higher good remain buried. I did not look back. I have few regrets. Surgeons continue to churn out new patients with varying degrees of supportive program. What remains the same is that there is not enough support for the emotional components pre and post op. I have seen friends and acquaintances ravaged by cross addiction , marriages and relationships ended. Sometimes I wonder if the carnage was really worth the loss of some LBS for a short while? Some of us reached our goal weight some of us did not. The majority of those I know have regained some if not all of their weight back. When they reach out for support from the programs and surgeons they are met with blame, unrealistic expectations and staff that do not know how to help those of us that are far out. So was the surgery worth it? I cannot answer this for anyone else but myself. 

I see people targeting the post ops fear by selling us PINK DRINKS, making us feel as if we are broken and in need of recovery and management. The shaming continues 

I wish I had had the insight and tools then that I have now. Perhaps I could have lost the weight on my own without the surgery. If I had them I would not have the complications that I have now. But, I will never know the answer to that. The truth is that I did NOT have the tools and insights then that I do now. I lost my way in a maze of trauma activated behaviors and put a protective 50 lbs plus on. The grand and amazing gift of the regain, is that it propelled me to truly do the emotional difficult work needed to address my inner most demons in an attempt to save myself from the shame of regaining it all back. I have done that work. I am working on finding the right nutritional supports to help me get the rest of the regain off. 

What has changed is that I LOVE MYSELF. I believe that I have the right to a divine life, and I am no longer afraid to shine and be visible and stand in my truth. I no longer need a pink drink, extreme dieting or shame based programs to get me back on track. Because I am not broken, I am divinely made and where I need to be. My deepest desire is to begin to help other old heads like me, come out of the shadows, change their mindset, attack their deepest fears and truly stand in their truth for the first time in their lives. I hope this post will reach the right people and can provide hope. 

2 comments

Friend or Foe?

Apr 11, 2012

There have been many things going on in my life as of late some positive and some negative. In fact I actually considered closing my account here and leaving OH just because I decided that I needed to move on and find support in other arenas. Support from non WLS people, people who are more emotionally available, and who are also more geographically available. I have been let down lately and  I realized that I was putting time and effort into unhealthy relationships other than just  the relationships with my family. I began  wondering if the WLS community was not the best place for me to find support. I mean real support not lip service.  Over this past year I have had to set limits with my family this has  pretty  much caused them to decide that I AM too much trouble in my new found need to be healthy and have healthy relationships.They are not interested in changing.  What I have learned is that when you start asking for what you need and making requirements of others, those  people begin to scatter really quickly.

However, after some visits with good friends who seem to be steady and honest. I have decided that there may still be some benefit for me to stay. I will do that but with both eyes wide open. I think that the problem that sometimes happens in this type of scenario is that people form fast superficial bonds over this surgery and when they are  tested they fall apart. You  begin to realize that there was not much there in the first place.  I am to blame as well my THERAPIST role  was a very easy role to fall into here and when I no longer wanted to play that role I know that others who benefited from it did not know what to do with me anymore. It is ok. I can accept my part.
What I am not going to do is put a lot of extra effort into this anymore. If it comes to me so be it. I need to look at the people around me who are still here and determine who  is friend worthy still. Someone who is REALLY there and true. To me a friend is someone who knows where you grew up, knows the name of your family members. Knows your darkest fears and biggest dreams. They are someone who will show up for you when you are in trouble even when you do not ask. In my life these are the friends I need. Because I am away from my family and do not have a c lose bond with them I need a second family. Not just words real people who show up for me.

I am a show up for you type of person. This past year with depression and such I have not been as good with this and I have apologized to those I believe I have let down. But I was there for them via phone or email if they needed me. What happened is I looked around and started to wonder who was showing up for me? I used to feel guilty for having needs and requirements of people.  I don't anymore. If I am your friend you will benefit and I expect to as well. I am not interested in being the supporter and the listener while if feel alone and not listened to and supported any longer. So I am on the hunt for my second family and I have already found many people right in my back hard. I have a hunch many of these candidates will not be here and will not be WLS people.

To be fair most of us ended up morbidly obese and in need of a medical intervention for some pretty significant psychological issues including trauma , family relationship issues etc. I am working HARD on mine and let me tell you it is really painful and hard.  What I have found is the WEALTH of friends that I thought I had obtained through this board and this surgery is really smoke and mirrors. It is a set up. For me it was. It made me vulnerable in the end  believing that i was supported more than I was and thatI I had more friends than I really did. I thought that I should be happy with my new found family and overlook the obvious red flags all around me. The lack of being close geographically made it easier to dismiss many of the feelings of lonliness, isolation or lack of true support that I was feeling.  What I have realized is that I need to dilute the pool one or two good friends from the WLS  group is fine.  Support for support sake in a meeting or forum is fine. But I really need to have outside friends who have nothing to do with WLS.  the majority of them do not need to be WLS. Outside influences are good they destablizes the maladaptive behaviors that we tend to fall back into. They make us question? Hey is this normal? Diversity in your friends is a good thing I have learned.
But what I will do is continue to use OH for menu support.  Support of newbies from afar. Give and get gudiance from some people on here that i truly believe are class acts and practice what they preach and I have never seen behave in ways that would make me question their motives.
Been burned. Moving on. What can I really expect? Hey I am just 5 years old..  
0 comments

pain

Feb 03, 2012

I am in pain, I dont think I have cried this much in my life. I have been through alot in my life and I cannot remember being this sad and fearful before. I do not know what to do anymore really. Is it possible that you can be happier at 360 lbs then at a more normal weight? The therapy I have been in for the past year has changed so much and through it I have found it difficult to be the whimsical and fun loving woman my husband married. I am in pain, dealing with past trauma. Grieving the fact that i have no real stable healthy secure adult, family relationships. I went into therapy because i did not want to repeat the same mistakes that caused me to be divorced twice already. But it seems that the irony is that the therapy is causing me to be so raw and wounded that I may just lose him anyway. I feel happy to see him but there is a wall that keeps me from reaching out to him. I used to be so free with my love and attention for him, and now I am sad and detached all of the time. My therapist says this is normal but I did not sign on for this

Work is killing me. I just feel like I have no soft place to get any relief right now.

Jason is struggling with his quitting smoking and he is over me and my depression and sadnees. I know he loves me but he just wants his wife back. i can feel his anger and annoyance. I feel so sad and depressed that I may just lose him too. Sometimes I wish I had not done any of this and had just stayed a emeshed door mat that just put everyone else first. This is all too painful and i feel alone. If I lose him, none of it would have been worth it. I am sorry I know this is raw and awful but I have no where to turn. If I dont get this out I will not be able to stop crying.
1 comment

5 Years and the journey has just begun.

Oct 02, 2011

I have been pretty slack in keeping up my blog, but I have always managed to write a post on my surgiversary each year. This year is quite a milestone. It has been 5 years since I had my surgery, I have had few if any side effects or complications. I am doing quite well, because I picked a highly qualified surgeon and chose a safe place to go. So much has changed even since then in the world of weight loss surgery. It is much more attainable and they know so much more about it now. One thing that has NOT changed is that programs do NOT prepare their patients for all that this journey will require of them. They do not provide them with the MH counseling that they will inevitably need. They do not understand how to help older post ops stay succesful. They also not tell patients that once they have lost their weight during their honeymoon phase the likelihood of regain is hight even if you do all the right things. It is just a part of biology and the working of your new body. It is a shame that these programs are not comprehensive and prepare people for the long run. But then we have to remember that these programs are a business and it is not good business to work with post ops that are further out, they may scare they newbies and they dont generate much income. I am very grateful that there are places like OH for people to come and get the " real story" and that there are support groups and WLS connections to be made that help each person find their way. This is so important to this journey. The friends I have made here on OH in the PA forum have been the second best gift I have been given since i lost the weight.
Where I am at now is a new Chapter. I am in therapy that is very intense and I am learing so much about myself. I am learning that my food issues are an addiction, and that I am struggling with Complex trauma. I have spent most of my life checked out by eating or struggling to stay present. I have had regain because I have returned to my addiction to food to try and deal with the ongoing trauma and its impact on my life and relationships. What I have found is that the surgery was easy, this stuff this work I am doing is translating into the fight of my life. But it is a fight that I am willing to enlist in. I have come too far to stop now. I have had to make some very hard decisions about the people i allow in my life, and each day I struggle to stay optimistic. But I know in the end the work and the pain will be worth it.
Never forget thta you must deal with why you became heavy, sometimes you dont even know why.  But it must happen or there is not true healing. Never give up before your miracle. I wont.
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Day One All Over Again

May 01, 2011

I have been attending OA meetings and therapy and I have learned a great deal about why I eat, and what to do instead of eat. I have found someone at my meeting that I like and has what I want, so I am going to ask her to be my sponsor. I am now at the point where i am ready to declare a plan for abstinence for myself. I did my colums of trigger foods, borderline foods and ok foods.

My plan is this.
Excercise is a must at least 10 mins per day.

2 protein shakes per day
2 fruit and yogurt or cheese snacks
2 meals with protein and vegetables
supplements
one cup of coffee
limit splenda
no grains or breads, crackers, potatos or pasta right now. Will try this for 2 weeks. NO TAKE OUT. limit eating out.
No SF desserts

lets see what happens
0 comments

About Me
Lancaster, PA
Location
30.1
BMI
RNY
Surgery
10/03/2006
Surgery Date
Aug 25, 2003
Member Since

Friends 59

Latest Blog 82

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