pain

Feb 03, 2012

I am in pain, I dont think I have cried this much in my life. I have been through alot in my life and I cannot remember being this sad and fearful before. I do not know what to do anymore really. Is it possible that you can be happier at 360 lbs then at a more normal weight? The therapy I have been in for the past year has changed so much and through it I have found it difficult to be the whimsical and fun loving woman my husband married. I am in pain, dealing with past trauma. Grieving the fact that i have no real stable healthy secure adult, family relationships. I went into therapy because i did not want to repeat the same mistakes that caused me to be divorced twice already. But it seems that the irony is that the therapy is causing me to be so raw and wounded that I may just lose him anyway. I feel happy to see him but there is a wall that keeps me from reaching out to him. I used to be so free with my love and attention for him, and now I am sad and detached all of the time. My therapist says this is normal but I did not sign on for this

Work is killing me. I just feel like I have no soft place to get any relief right now.

Jason is struggling with his quitting smoking and he is over me and my depression and sadnees. I know he loves me but he just wants his wife back. i can feel his anger and annoyance. I feel so sad and depressed that I may just lose him too. Sometimes I wish I had not done any of this and had just stayed a emeshed door mat that just put everyone else first. This is all too painful and i feel alone. If I lose him, none of it would have been worth it. I am sorry I know this is raw and awful but I have no where to turn. If I dont get this out I will not be able to stop crying.

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