Friend or Foe?

Apr 11, 2012

There have been many things going on in my life as of late some positive and some negative. In fact I actually considered closing my account here and leaving OH just because I decided that I needed to move on and find support in other arenas. Support from non WLS people, people who are more emotionally available, and who are also more geographically available. I have been let down lately and  I realized that I was putting time and effort into unhealthy relationships other than just  the relationships with my family. I began  wondering if the WLS community was not the best place for me to find support. I mean real support not lip service.  Over this past year I have had to set limits with my family this has  pretty  much caused them to decide that I AM too much trouble in my new found need to be healthy and have healthy relationships.They are not interested in changing.  What I have learned is that when you start asking for what you need and making requirements of others, those  people begin to scatter really quickly.

However, after some visits with good friends who seem to be steady and honest. I have decided that there may still be some benefit for me to stay. I will do that but with both eyes wide open. I think that the problem that sometimes happens in this type of scenario is that people form fast superficial bonds over this surgery and when they are  tested they fall apart. You  begin to realize that there was not much there in the first place.  I am to blame as well my THERAPIST role  was a very easy role to fall into here and when I no longer wanted to play that role I know that others who benefited from it did not know what to do with me anymore. It is ok. I can accept my part.
What I am not going to do is put a lot of extra effort into this anymore. If it comes to me so be it. I need to look at the people around me who are still here and determine who  is friend worthy still. Someone who is REALLY there and true. To me a friend is someone who knows where you grew up, knows the name of your family members. Knows your darkest fears and biggest dreams. They are someone who will show up for you when you are in trouble even when you do not ask. In my life these are the friends I need. Because I am away from my family and do not have a c lose bond with them I need a second family. Not just words real people who show up for me.

I am a show up for you type of person. This past year with depression and such I have not been as good with this and I have apologized to those I believe I have let down. But I was there for them via phone or email if they needed me. What happened is I looked around and started to wonder who was showing up for me? I used to feel guilty for having needs and requirements of people.  I don't anymore. If I am your friend you will benefit and I expect to as well. I am not interested in being the supporter and the listener while if feel alone and not listened to and supported any longer. So I am on the hunt for my second family and I have already found many people right in my back hard. I have a hunch many of these candidates will not be here and will not be WLS people.

To be fair most of us ended up morbidly obese and in need of a medical intervention for some pretty significant psychological issues including trauma , family relationship issues etc. I am working HARD on mine and let me tell you it is really painful and hard.  What I have found is the WEALTH of friends that I thought I had obtained through this board and this surgery is really smoke and mirrors. It is a set up. For me it was. It made me vulnerable in the end  believing that i was supported more than I was and thatI I had more friends than I really did. I thought that I should be happy with my new found family and overlook the obvious red flags all around me. The lack of being close geographically made it easier to dismiss many of the feelings of lonliness, isolation or lack of true support that I was feeling.  What I have realized is that I need to dilute the pool one or two good friends from the WLS  group is fine.  Support for support sake in a meeting or forum is fine. But I really need to have outside friends who have nothing to do with WLS.  the majority of them do not need to be WLS. Outside influences are good they destablizes the maladaptive behaviors that we tend to fall back into. They make us question? Hey is this normal? Diversity in your friends is a good thing I have learned.
But what I will do is continue to use OH for menu support.  Support of newbies from afar. Give and get gudiance from some people on here that i truly believe are class acts and practice what they preach and I have never seen behave in ways that would make me question their motives.
Been burned. Moving on. What can I really expect? Hey I am just 5 years old..  

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About Me
Lancaster, PA
Location
30.1
BMI
RNY
Surgery
10/03/2006
Surgery Date
Aug 25, 2003
Member Since

Friends 59

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