NiNiBoo

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So the class the nasty  gram come on, that said failing, I  PASSED!! Not only passing but raised my grade point average! Haven’t got any word about the Financial Aid. So now this means go back to church and thank God for once again getting me out a hole. The hardest part is admitting to God I was mad at him; I am ashamed, afraid and weary. Weary at the thought of do I only turn to Him when I am in a bind? Am I really as faithful as I claim to be? The farther I move from Him the more and more I realize that my life is hell without Him. I started getting to confidant with all the blessing he brought me this year, thinking I was doing it all on my own. He has thrown many clues my way in the past week to make me believe he has a plan for me, but I need work in areas that are holding me back.

We got our 360 degree peer reviews back at work; mine was great worker, intelligent, team player. My things to work on: were cold, unsociable, angry, and insulting. WHOA! So my ego says, their just afraid of a strong Black Woman. But, the mature side of me says there is no need to pull the race card, and I need to take a hard look at what image I am projecting. It’s okay to strong willed, but I need to be more tactful, more so since I’m living in the South.  At the same time I am embarrassed that people find me insulting. Obviously I am projecting what I feel about people in my office. My attitude is once I figure you out and label you useless, you’re pretty much done. There are no second chances to prove to me you’re capable of anything. I am no-nonsense.  The coldness, my Husband even agreed with. I am at a loss with this one cause I feel like I am there to do a job and go home. I don’t need to talk, just work. But, again this ties into being tactful. So I am trying on a gentler, kinder NiNi. LOL!

So I am failing out of school AGAIN. I can’t for the life of me get why. I know I hate school, but the lure of making more money and having a better job is greater than how I feel. What is so weird is that I am failing Accounting 101, yet last semester I past Advanced Accounting. This was the same problem I had with Math; I failed College Algebra, but past Geometry. I have prayed for help, gotten help, asked for reinstatement, and still I fail college. But, now I’m frustrated. I burned so much money on school, and I have a whole library of textbooks. Now I’m losing financial aid. I know I don’t have anyone to blame but myself. So today to ease my suffering I ate, and ate, hell I’m eating now. My conscious keeps telling me we go thru things for a reason; can I know my reason! Please get me a sign, hint or something, because I’m just tired. I hate my job, and school is my only way out and above what I am doing now. To be honest this all started when I applied for this job, my dream job with promotion potential. I prayed to God everyday for it. And when I didn’t get it, I was angry. Even though I told God if it was not meant for me I would be okay. My co-worker’s Dad found out he had Pancreatic Cancer, and he was upset about losing his Dad. So I prayed that if God healed his father I would give up my dream of having this job. His Dad is doing well going thru Chemo. Now I am ashamed to say I wanted both the job and his father to live. I have not gone to Church since April maybe May when that job closed. I’ve prayed from time to time, but I know my heart is not in it. For 4 years I have been struggling, 4 years! What for! I have gained in this time, I asked God for help with money, and all of a sudden it came from no where. I asked God to help me lose weight, I got the surgery. I asked God to help me forgive my Mother, bless my children, my husband and protect my enemies. I asked God to help me with my anger. I prayed for abused children, and their attackers. What more do I need to do?

Okay ya'll I got my packet of info for my pre-op and the instructions on what  to do/not to do before surgery. Some were reasonable others make me wish this were more easy.

1.  I have to give up starches!  WHAT! Rice is my thing! My comfort food, it goes with everything!

2.  Can't gain any weight in fact I can lose 5 pounds. DAMN! In fact my Doctor is known for canceling surgeries of patients who gain weight prior to. He views the weight gain as a sign they can't handle the life change.

3.  Need to start an excercise plan, 30 minutes, 3 times a week. NO PROBLEM

My husband says I should not consider a surgery that could end my life. I told him to let it go, I'm not changing my mind. He can either get on board or what this boat sail away. I am so anxious about the surgery, I wish it were tomorrow so I could just get it over with.

So I have been losing my mind about going out again, I keep trying to avoid people, eating in public, etc. I don't know why honey cause I damn good looking and smart too! It's like I have dual personalities, not like what you are thinking. I call it my PHAT Girl and Skinny Girl mentality. My PHAT Girl is quite, shy and afraid to be seen. My Skinny Girl is loud, funny, sometime obnoxious and wild. The Skinny girl loves to party and thinks she looks good in all things 2X or larger. The PHAT Girl is comfortable in shapeless clothing that looks boring and allows her to blend somewhat in, with curtains, walls, carpert, etc.

So I ask what is really going on?!