ninnifer

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One full year since the life changing event has passed.  On January 16, 2007 I was wheeled into the Operating Room at Sutter-Roseville hospital, practically jumping out of my skin with excitement and anticipation of what a magnificent tool these trained and gifted surgical hands were about to give me.  As it turns out, I was right.  The little tummy pouch that I have in my abdomen is just the right size to keep me from over-doing-it at any one time, and  the reduction of hunger-hormones being released by "little pouchie" has allowed me to go through hours of the day without obsessing over food, having that knawing feeling that I'm going to pass out if I don't eat, NOW!  I do get hungry now, yes I do, but I'm finding that I'm able to stick to my three meals and two snacks (7:00; 10:00; 12:00; 3:00 and 6:00), and when I do get a little pang of hunger in between, I belive myself when I logically (and lovingly) tell myself that "hunger is not an emergency;"  "you must be burning fat right now, 'cause there isn't anything in that tummy!" and "eating that (chocolate)(doughnut)(piece of pie)(brownie)(handful of chips)(whatever) isn't going to solve your problems and/or make you happy right now JJ".  The amazing thing is, that while I told myself each of these things before the surgery, I never was able to follow-through.  My logical side mostly always lost, and when I found that I was, (although not intentionally), lying to myself, I lost trust in myself.  I couldn't control my body.  I couldn't control those ravenous feelings of hunger.  Knowing that there would be times that I'd get hungry, and how instantaneous it was, I'd keep food stashed like a chipmunk.  And there was shame....  I see that I still keep food around, but not "stashed" like before.  Reframing it, I'm more prepared and thoughtful about my food than ever before.  I take my lunch on most days along with my morning and afternoon snacks.  I take my 32-ounce bottle of water.  I still get feelings of security around food, which I'm wondering will ever change, but its not the same feeling of shame and desperation.  I'm taking charge.  I'm planning.  I'm (for the most part) sticking to my meal/snack routine.  I'm eating more healthful than ever.... in fact, I'm turning into quite the whole-food, health-food nut.  :)  I'm reducing sugar, increasing grains (some new ones too!.... good for the digestive "transit"), eating plain yogurt almost daily (good for the digestion too - keeping all that micro-flora alive and happy, not to speak of the calcium for my good ole bones), lots of fruit, oftentimes dried and nuts in my museli, sliced apples, sliced carrots & hummus (yum!), celery and peanut butter (yum!), funky German "fitness bread" with cream cheese & my home-made reduced-sugar jam (yum!), meat (Cammie turned me onto good old pork chops - I like them with some fruit compote on the side), roast chicken - straight from Costco's rotisserie, lunch meats, all kinds of cheese (string cheese and snack-pack cheese for portable snacks) and what else..... oh, for lunch I'm going crazy over Amy's frozen organic dinners, like Indian Mataar Paneer and cheese enchiladas.  Thanks Amy, you're a life-saver.  
Okay, back to the one-year biz.  Yesterfday I went to see Dr. Kerr at SALSA for my one-year post-op checkup, and he told me "you're doing everything right!"  Hold up, let's replay that one again.  "You're doing everythign right!"  Have I EVER had a doctor tell me that before?  Nope.  Okay, one more time "You're doing everything right!"  
Good girl Jennifer.  
From the secretaries I got full-page pictures of myself taken in November '06 at 364 pounds, in July '07 at around 290, and one of myself yesterday, January '08 at 256.  Yowsee!  I promptly came home, and after admiring them for some time, put them right on my refrigerator.  They're dramatic.  They're inspiring.  I did not realize how big my body was back at 364.  I look handicapped.  I was.  I couln't get close to anything.  I have a smile on my face in that picture, but I don't believe it.  I feel for myself in that picutre.  I want to take that girl and just love her AND shake her up!  And I think that's exactly what I did..... and am doing.
I'm amazed, I'm thankful, I'm a miracle-believer, I'm hopeful, I'm energized, I'm feeling confidence in my relationship to food, I'm loving excercise, sweating, feeling that heart pumping, and that "high," I feel intentional, I feel my body now, and not fighting it as much, or denying it as much, I feel less depressed and less anxious, I feel less diahrea pain, (doctor told me my whole body is less-inflamed because of the weight loss!), I get sick A LOT LESS, and when I do get sick (from a virus) it doesn't last nearly as long as it did, I feel more a part of this world, not so much like an anomaly.  I love me, and I love this life.  I am so blessed.  So blessed.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Hello There!  
Well, after being in mediocre-land for awhile with my eating, keeping track of my eating and excercise, I'm back to A-land!!  Just last weekend Bernie and I found our dream-dog.... a little 5 year-old Sheltie in a rescue center.  The first time we went for a walk together didn't work out  very well (he ended up getting out of his collar and I ended up running after him for several blocks and carrying him home for over half a mile once I caught him).  But today we did just fine on our nearly 2 mile walk (1.87 miles to be exact).  Walking with him was so much more fun than doing it alone.  Isn't that amazing?  At first he got in my way more than I would have liked, and couldn't decide on which side of me to walk.  But after a few yelps from accidentally kicking him and tugs on the leash, I think we started to get our groove.  Good little Peanut.... how I love him!  
So, my excercise is getting back into my regular routine, and I'm keeping better track of what I'm eating.  On average it looks like I'm eating 1200 to 1500 calories per day.  And I'm probably burning around 200 per day.  Something I'd like to do better is make sure I get all the protein I need - maybe I need to get out those powders again.  
Although it seems like this process is going more slowly than I'd like, I still see that I'm making progress, and I'm so happy with the energy that I have.  TOday I'm down to 256 pounds, with 108 pounds total lost.  I am so much more active than before.  I have energy that I never did before, and I can feel my muscles working for me.  I know that must sound strange to a normal-sized person, but I never really felt my muscles and most of my bones before.  WHen I lay down to do my stretches, I find that I can do so much more than I could when I had a few extra inches around me.  My flexibiltiy is through the roof.  When I try yoga poses I'm actually surprised that my body will let me move this way and that.  There is really no better feeling in the world I imagine.  I am so blessed and I know it.