njcocoa

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I had a blast, it was wonderful to meet all of everyone. I was a bit of a party pooper as I was a bit under the weather (sorry roomies)...let me know if any of you need any of the $1,000 in cold meds that I purchased while there....Wishing everyone safe travels-see u soon!

I was happy with my little of 6 pounds after 2 wks of gettin my mind right...and then I get on my scale this am, and another 6 are gone!!! Since Saturday. I love it!

Feeling great today, coming off a week of the protein train-headed for week 2. Going to weigh in on Friday. The kinds words in response to my 3 yr was overwhelming. Thank you all so much. I feel the need to put it out there, that I'm gonna be ok. A friend of mine summed it up, looking at a pre op pic, and a very near goal pic, she said "Ma, you may not be there (post op) right now, but you are NOWHERE near there (pre op). Me putting it out there was for me, when it comes down to the wire, I have to be accountable to myself. I made some bad choices, and I'm fixing them, nuff said.

Around 3 years ago today, I told everyone that I was taking a month's leave of absence and visiting North Carolina to scout the scene to see if I wanted to move there.(Still in dirty Jerz) On May 1, 2005 - a Sunday I sat crying at my desk, at 11pm scared as all shit. Telephone in hand- 6 digits of my surgeon's office emergency evening number dialed. I heard myself saying "I'm not going to be able to do this-I need to cancel". (This is what i was going to say) A co-worker walked by, asked if I was ready for my trip(my lie to the job) and asked why was I crying. I told her everything. She gave me a hug, told me how proud she was of me and offered to take some before pictures. Oh how I wish I had a scanner.

I drove myself home, and proceeded to log onto to OH, and read wonderful uplifting profiles. Although inspired I was still scared to DEATH....Fast forward to 6am...dress myself with that shaky, anxious feeling that any post op can relate to. Get to the OR, told the barriatric cordinator how scared I was...she asked if "I had been on that damn website" referring to OH. She's another story-we haven't gotten along since day 2 post op, and I've been a member of this WONDERFUL FAMILY for 3 years.

It has not been easy, and I am no where where I want to be. By no means a failure, but not as successful as I should have been either. I've been 15 pounds from goal (still overweight by standards) to back to obese Not fun at all. There have been ups and there have been downs. I have 44 photo albums from the past 3 years. I vacation quarterly. When my son is late for the bus, I can outrun him to catch it. My child knows the value of healthy choices-almost in a do as I say and not as I do kinda way. Only after the confidence that emerged from WLS was I able to leave a 7 year abusive relationship and find true happiness-it's eluding me now, but I've felt it, and know that it is still attainable.

On the downside. I went from drinking champagne at New Years to visiting the abuse forum, and wondering if I'm an alcoholic. They say if you have to ask....As a newbie-and being the addict that I am, I found that it was easier to drink than to eat. I have also seen this with my mother and best friend, also fellow WLS patients. We used to go to buffets now we go to the bar. I had my first margarita 6 wks post op, I was in Disney World and wanted some chicken but we all know how that goes at 6 weeks, so I brought a drink, and sipped and sipped and never stopped sipping.I really think that this problem would have surfaced at some time in my life due to genetics, but WLS surgery just exacerbated it. Thank heavens for the honeymoon period....at about 1 year out my weight stabilized. I stopped loosing. All was good. During the past year I have gained. My body has never been through so many changes as it saw in 07. I can literally gain and lose 7-8 pounds overnight.

Bottom line-I can still lose weight when I put my mind to it, When following the pouch rules I still have restriction, but I was told back in 05 you can trick it. As I reflect I know that when I drink water like I'm supposed to, exercise like I'm supposed to and fill myself with lean proteins, there is little room for anything else. Gimme a protein train, I'm good for 10 pounds...6 with a 5DPT....but............give me an inch and I'll take a mile. Soon as time is up I'm gone. Whats that about. I've been in therapy since it was recommended in my approval psych eval. 3 yrs- my mind still aint right. This was supposed to be really short as I am in the middle of a research paper...but I couldn't not come here on the day that changed my life. Oh how I wish I could have reported that I made goal 2 yrs ago, and was happily maintaining, but I can't so I wont. But believe me when I tell you this, it may not be today, and it may not be next month. But ONE day that will be my testimony. I claim it.

I'd like to give a shout out to:
May of 05-remember the old days, you got me through. BAF is always good for an indirect reality check, and the knowledge and support that the Grads board provides is priceless. Thank you all.

Still no regrets...maybe adjustements for a few tweaks, but no regrets. I'm the woman I that I am today, because of all that I've been through.

I am mad at the world. I think that I am using anger as an outlet for grief. This is not healthy, and I am aware of it. But I have cussed so many people out this week it's ridiculous, my grandma has called me a jeckel and hyde, a large part is the alcohol -and I'm detoxing as of tonite...but it seems like I only feel in control when angry...I dunno. Haven't seen my therapist in a good month either.

My papa passed this life on April 16, 2008. I was by his side. I am so grateful to have been able to spend his last days with him. He was a beautifful man, and there is not too much more that I can say.Thanks for all of the prayers, calls, visits, and food. Enough with the food, lol, jk. I fell off big time, but I'm back on track. If I've never had inspiration I have it now. Love u always Papa.

My beloved grandfather is slowing making his transition to a better life. He's ready, but I cannot handle this at all. I just can't. I truly see his comfort, and that in itself should be comforting to me, but.....I can't even go on.

Love to all

How are you doing today?

Pre breakfast- 26 g protein shake
Breakfast-2 fried eggs over hard, 1 slice of cheese
snack-carrot chips
lunch-veggie soup, and scoop of tuna
dinner-unsure

so far 40 oz of water done, and I will do 30 min cardio tonite while sipping on another protein drink....and I'd be a lie if I said I didnt want a pc of this fundraiser candy that my coworker is selling.

Got some protein back in me, and lost 4 pounds last week. Feeling much better. Looking forward to a great week. Still no bread, wine, or meat.

I feel like crap, my pouch is on fire, and I've barfed more times in the past 2 days than I have in the past 2 months. This is a test for sure.

Today-strawberry for breakfast
Lunch-eggplant, mozzarella, and roasted red peppers
dinner-vegetable soup hopefully

Protein should be home when I get there. I've only been without for 2 days, but boy I feel some kind of way.