Feeling a bit blue

Dec 09, 2009

The holidays always make me a bit blue and this year is no exception.

I'm extremely happy to have had my surgery and I am very proud of my almost 43lb weight loss. I'm adjusting well and easily to my new stomach and have tolerated almost everything that I have tried to eat. While I'm getting my protein, vitamins and liquids in as ordered, I'm feeling more energized and I can see my weight loss in my face and neck....I'm still blue.

The holidays for me are a time for spending with family, hopefully filled with love and laughter. While I enjoy seeing and spending time with my family, this time of year always makes me retrospective. Perhaps it's the new year looming, a time for reflection and resolution. Every year I get blue.

I'm blue because I reflect on my love life and my lack of it. Last year I was in a relationship but still unhappy as it was a loveless one that I ended a few days after new year. The year before that I was alone as the years before that. It's been MANY YEARS since I've had a holiday without this tone of blue.

I'm 35, almost 36, and I have hopes and aspirations for marriage and motherhood. I'm fearful that time is running out for me in the love department and that I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone....without a decent man or children in my life.

I dream of a loving, supportive and responsible man who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I dream of us making a life together.....marriage, a home, a kid or two and even a dog. Most of the year when I wake up from these dreams I'm okay, I can brush them off and move forward relatively easily. The holidays, however, that's harder to do.

I know it's the new year, a mile maker of sorts, marking that yet another year I'm traversing this journey of life alone and in want of love. This year is additionally hard because my mothers health has been iffy and she is going to have open heart surgery very soon adding to my level of stress and insecurity.

I can't wait until the holidays are over and my mother sails through her surgery with no complications and I can get back to easily brushing off the disappointment that the wonderful scenario I was just a part of was just a dream.

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