Met with the ex

Feb 19, 2010

Going on 6 years ago the man who I thought was my soul mate dropped an atomic bomb on me. The day after final exams the first year of nursing school he told me that he was unhappy and had been for quite some time. This was a shocker because just two weeks before he told me that he was so happy that I was eventually going to be his wife and had since been telling me multiple times daily that he loved me. To say it was devastating is putting it lightly. It took me 6 months for my giant soccer ball shaped heart to come back into my chest and for me to stop crying myself to sleep. It took almost a year to feel like a normal human being again.

He always had been an impulsive person and of course regretted his decision. What I wasn't aware of and what he denied was that there was another woman in the picture. He proceeded to try to periodically try to see/hook up with me. He did this every few months for like two whole years (that really was a mind fuck) and then it ultimately turned into meet for coffee maybe twice a year where I would tell him that I'm doing well and where he would sit there and leer at me like a lion surveying a big juicy steak.

I saw him before my surgery so I could tell him about it. I wanted him to know that in the event that anything bad happened to me that he would be aware. I told him that if anything unexpected happened that my sister would have his number and she would contact him. Obviously we didn't need to contact him. I also told him that I would meet with him one more time after my surgery and that if he wanted to try dating each other again that I would be up for it but if not, then we would never meet up like that again. At the time I really wasn't interested in dating him again but was open to the idea of trying.

The other day I got a text message from him asking me if I did okay with my surgery and that he didn't want to bother me but that he was just concerned that I came through okay. I got back to him and told him that I was doing fabulous and that if he wanted to meet up I was up to it. We met for coffee later that day.

I was a bit nervous heading over to the coffee shop. I wouldn't call it butterflies but more a slight trepidation. When I saw him in the parking lot he looked much the same. He commented on how much weight I lost and how good I looked. We went in the door he stepped aside so I could go in first.

When I stepped in the coffee shop and scanned the room I immediately noticed a number of very cute men who appeared around my age and my immediate thought was "damn...all these cute guys and I'm with a guy!" I paid for my own drink and we sat down and proceeded to catch up.

After some small talk, he told me that he had left the company that he was working for and that he had taken a job with another company but that he would be heading to Eureka for a few months in the next couple of days and then the LA area after that. He said that he now regrets taking the assignments.

From that regret comment I assumed that after seeing me looking fabulous he was interested in dating me again. I immediately said "That's great! You will do so well with a change of scenery!" I honestly felt relieved that he would be heading out of town and that I would have no chance of seeing him again any time soon.

I think he got that I wasn't that interested in dating him again.

We caught up on our families, he kept making stupid little jokes that at one time I thought charming, but now were just annoying.

I couldn't help myself but occasionally I scanned the room which he definitely caught on to. We talked about my trying to date and he mentioned my plenty of fish personal ad. I told him that he should post there but he was against it. He leered and leered at me but it was more annoying than flattering.

After less than an hour he said he needed to head out. When I stood he asked me if I was going to walk him out because he knew I intended to stay longer, and I said sure. I think he was hoping that I would kiss him at his car or something because that is what had occurred many times prior.

We stepped into the parking lot and less than 5 feet from the door I stopped. I gave him a hug, he kissed me on my cheek and I wished him luck with the move. When he walked away he turned around and looked back one last time. I went back in, hung out for maybe another hour and proceeded to look cute and approachable but unfortunately didn't make any connections.

I felt sad for Trevor. I felt sad that he, after almost 6 years, still obviously had some serious feelings for me but that I had none. I felt sad because although he moved significantly forward in his career, he made no steps on his emotional maturity. It's like he is at an emotional stand still.

Don't worry, my sad feelings for him won't last long as he definitely put me through the emotional wringer more time than once. But in this moment I have pity for him. He blew it big time and I think he is finally realized it.

I don't mourn the loss of him any more but I still mourn the loss of what we had.  I'm just very happy to be finally untied from my feelings for him.

I feel free.

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