Aug 30, 2012
i was so in love with him but i knew there was always a distance. he never told me i was beautiful. he never felt anything for me. for a while i believed he did.
that was a passing phase and the only time in my life i've felt anything like that. he always told me i am green and growing. i guess that means i'm niave and foolish to fall in love.
my heart still hurts. and my self loathing is hard to fight.
its time you see who you've been living with
Jan 26, 2012
it is what it is.
the present really is a gift.
i guess it's time for me to get back to whoever i was before i met him. i dont know who she was. i worry about him already. the man's adding models to his fb every day and i'm worrying about him. yup. i am. cuz those girls arent with him every day. i am. and those girls kids arent calling him stepdad. mine is.
idk. guess he has it all figured out. even though he says he doesnt.
i wish i wasnt such a mystery. i wish i wasnt so complicated. i guess by looking at me you cant tell how tortured of a person i am. seems like my disfigured body and fucked up hair might lend a clue as to why i'm so emotionally disregulated all the time.......................
in a superficial world... it's a fucking battle to overcome what we have inside. one of the many reasons why i have HOPE tattooed across my chest.
Jan 25, 2012
i analyze who i'm with. who i've been with. who i've thought i've been in love with.
i have no idea who i am with now. i remember driving him to his house to drop him off realizing this man would be "bad news" but i didnt let him go.......... i talked him into staying...
it's been very up and down. considering i have borderline personality disorder... i can never really tell if my pushing men away has much to do with my "disorder" or if my gut feelings and insticts and emotional overloads are real... or based on anyone elses reality but my own.
i do know i live with a man who has no attraction to me. i know that much. i do know how much That hurts. i look at it from the perspective as... hey, at least i'm not being used for sex. at least i'm not the everlasting sperm receptical. no, he's not interested in me whatsoever.
so how does that really feel? unusual. not that i'm the hottest thing to walk to the earth. no, he knows exactly what hot women look like. suicide girls, tattooed hotties. nope, i'm not oneo f them. i'm a post bariatric surgery girl. saggy, baggy, no boobs. i'm a disfigured woman. so.. i cant blame him right?
... i went and got put on mirena. yeah that's a painful experience. getting something shoved in my uterus. no big deal. for what? i'm saddened i put myself through pain... to prevent a pregnancy........................... where a pregnancy would never / could never occur.
i think.. i'm living with a gay man. he must be gay! i've walked around in thigh highs and stilettos and corsetts and he averts his eyes.
i buy cute panties and he shuts the lights off.
when i first met him he slept naked... no he is pretty much fully dressed. with a body pillow between us. dont worry.. i wont touch ya! he says, u know u can cuddle with me.
but cuddling is me laying on him with no movement from him whasoever. like he's allowing me to do it. allowing me to breach his personal space.
i had body issues before i met him and i never thought iw ould end up with him due to the fact he's so into himself... i could be more body conscious but now i just feel like a fucking failure. i dont sleep much because i cry constantly. and i dont want to go sleep on the couch because i dont want to make a big scene out of it.
i wish he had somewhere to go... i wish it wasnt me that came on to him in october. i wish it were a girl, or guy? he actually wanted. i'm not it. and i dont even want him anymore. i've felt rejection................................ i've felt rejection where guys just wanted to use me physicially or have funw ith me and didnt want anything to dowith my heart.
he wants little emotion. he wants daily routines of laundry done, dinners cooked, and, three minute conversations on how the work day went.... and then silence on the couch watching movies.
dont ask, dont tell, and god forbid do not touch him. well okay, i can.. but he's not gonna touch me back.
but i'll clean the house and put on my makeup and do my best to ask how his day went. i'm so sad.
Jan 19, 2012
the dress wasnt so flattering. but i tried. big difference from how i used to look at least.
so here i am. i'll be 31 this year. been floundering in lala land for many years. i'll be five years out this june actually. five. the scale says 146. i'm a big flabby mess with no boobs. can u tell i dont feel sexy?
so in october i met a man. we became head over heals pretty much crazy for eachother instantly. it was that rediculous love at first sight, over the top infatuation where we thought we had found eachother at last............... there is obviously a big part o fme that is still realing from that experience.
i never really wanted to Date AL. he had viewed my profile numerous stalkish times on a dating site and i steered clear. i finally facebooked him and we texted for a few months.. none of which i ever got the feeling he was that "into" me.. that he was just a friendly guy, a bit lonely, somehow he didnt have a lady. I finally met him for coffee.............. it was a full moon and Al and i never left eachothers side after that.
he is absolutely obsessed with appearances and buidling his physique. which, he has done quite well. he's gorgeous and.. all muscley and stuff. he watches youtube videos of people working out. he works out in the basement (hot)...... oh i failed to mention Al moved in two weeks after we met............................................................
........i'm surrounded by my deepest insecurities. we dont have the type of relationship that I am used to... which is based solely on the phsyical. we dont have much of that at all............... in our crazy infatuation we did. now..... nothing. and i'm overcome with feelings of inferiority and disgusted with myself. and the feeling that i'm not good enough: rejection.
i know i've come along way. so i've lost 110 lbs. and it shows. i never wanted to date Al because before i even met him my feelings of worthlessness and disfiguration were cropping up and i'd cry that i couldnt be loved because of this new gross body of mine. not to mention my fucked up hair loss issues i've always struggled with. i'm a mess.
so i try to exude all this confidence. but i cant fake that day in and day out living with a man. i'm torn and broken and scarred and wounded.
i dont want to be stuck in the past. i want to "rise to the occassion" as one of my hard ass professors would always say... and face my fears and somehow tone up and look better and stop fully hating myself.
he is not mean to me. he is not trying to pressure me. he is not doing anything differently than he always has done. he is who he is and now he is in my life... for a reason, for many reasons. one of which is to inspire me to be the best person i can be.
but i have to get over feeling like i cant. feeling terror of gyms, feeling like i will be ridiculed by the fit people, glared at by the hot bodies. he's nice. but he's one of them. i'm dating one of them! he sleeps in my bed every night and i wake up to him every morning! how did this happen??????????????????????????????????????
"i'm pretty just the way i am" okay.............thanks. really. but it's time to grow. i'd like to be with Al, comfortably. i need to start trying to tone up what i think has been a lost cause, my body.
Jan 25, 2011
i gained 30 lbs in 2010. i actually Told several of my friends i wanted to get fat again and that i was working on it.
it was a pretty sad year.
i've lost 15 of it in less than two weeks. doing shakes and tiny diners. working out, and even tanning! (spf 80 on the tattoos though!)
all is calm right now. winter semester just began, but its gonna be a doozy! at this point i feel confident.
Dita will be five in july. I will turn 30 in may.
my how time flies.
Oct 03, 2009
i feel better, not so bloated.
did a ton of yard work today. cleaned out and organized the shed, so i could put away all of the patio furniture and dita toys. it all fit! the leaves are too wet to suck up and bag. i dug out a shabby rose bush and some trees trying to sprout up along the fence.
it's 58 degrees in the house. i turned on the space heater.
did i mention i'm lonely? missing my mom a lot lately.
Sep 28, 2009
gave me adipex. that stuff is feirce, i'm tellin ya. also is referring me to get a kidney ultrasound and go see a urologist. which i'm really looking forward to because i have uti's constantly. i always have, since i was a little girl! finally doing something about it.
tomorrow i go downtown to finally get started with the "no worker left behind" program. they contribute 5k a year for two years towards schooling. i am going for dental assisting. it's a year course, which will probably take me two. but, i'm doing it. dont care if it takes me three! the years fly by anymore anyway, i've gotta work towards something. but be sure to not overwhelm myself and go off the deepend.
nothing really else to report.
i have charts that i will be filling out starting the morning. though i barely ate anything at all today, sot hat's good. gonna get to 145!
first workout / grief
Sep 24, 2009
did a mile on the elyptical (16 mins) 3 reps of 15 on all the arm machines.
then got a peanut butter blizzard.
and got the most debilitating stomach pain ive ever had.
thank you jesus.
it will be a lot easier for me once i get on phentermine again. just have to get the cravings under control. going back to the gym again tomorrow and doing 2 miles and the leg and ab machines.
i feel better already though. all my back and neck muscles have been so tight and tense, it's good to work them out.
i'm exhausted. looking forward for this month to be over.
*a few hours later*
i just want to write. i 've got so much going on. i want to get it out. when i was young i wrote volumes on my life, which was primarily pain, my obesessions. i'm sad. i keep having flashbacks of my childhood with my mom. i keep seeing her lying in her hospice bed. i never really thought she'd die. i really thought she'd beat cancer like she did before, i'm not going to tell you all the things i thought.
every day i miss her. i would talk to her for hours, rambling on and on about whatever was going on with me at the time, getting upset when i'd call her and she wanted to tell me how happy she was. all i wanted to do was talk. i never listened. i never read between the lines. i never heard, Sarah i'm dying. i never knew. i should have. i miss my mom so much.
i have her cremains on my plant stand, between two of her tins that she collected. i havent gotten an urn, i dont knwo what to get. i want her near me, though i know she cant be. when i first got back home i felt her all around me, and i would constantly apologize for crying. now i feel that she has truly passed on nwo and isnt around like she was. i know she's happy. i know she isnt hurting.
and my heart is still breaking that she told me she hopes i have a better life. i'm trying mom. i'm trying.
i've been in therapy pretty much my whole life. but i have crappy insurance and i get crappy therapists.
so, just time will heal..
just having a sad moment. i get them off and on through out hte day. today at work my boss was telling everyone that sarah is perfectly normal because she takes her medicine.
i could'nt veryw ell say, actually, i've spent years institutionalized and half my life in therapy. i couldnt very well tell them i'm tattooed to cover up all the woulds i've self inflicted.
and all that stuff is flashing through my head. at work. and i smile and agree. i'm normal, because i take my medicine.
i'm gladi 've got people convinced, it makes me feel like i'm going in the right direction. but i am who i am. and right now, i'm terribly lonely.
i know everything does happen for a reason and i do know that God has a plan. and i'm sorry if i'm offensive, but i've lived this long and gone through so much that it's what i count on. and i have a love hate relationship with religion and its hard for me to embrace it. i hope i dont ever go to extremes with it. that's all my mom had to resort to for a while,,, and it was bad for us.
dita watned to watch the nightmare before christmas. i dont think she's really seen it yet. it's pretty late for her to be watching this. but she's cuddling with me. she asked me why iw as crying and i said i have a tummy ache. i dont want to stress her out. sh's such a good girl.
i went to joannes to get scrapbook paper after work but the line was so long to check out i put the stuff down. her daycare gave me pictures of her and her best friend there and tehy're so cute. i need to get her daycare year in scrap. i havent done any of that.
it's one of my duties as a mom i think. she needs keepsakes about her life. it's important.
i'm not a baby anymore, i'm not a child. i should be able to handle this better.
but i just keep thinking about it. and i miss her so terribly.
i really dont deal with loss well. my mom made me who i am through good and terrible experiences. now, i'm the remains of us. who am i now? i cant undo my life. i cant work things out. i told her over and over hwo sorry i am. she said no, she was sorry. she said she was terrible to us. she wasnt. she was. it's okay. it wasnt all bad. i loved her immensely. i'm terribly sad our relationship was never great. i'm terribly sorry that we shared the same mental disease. i want to hug her.
i want to tell everyone about my mother. about how she died. about what it was like being there with her. my molm died.
my mom died.
it'll get better. i'm just trying to heal.
Sep 23, 2009
so i joined a fitness center. yay. really excited about it. going every day i work. i work 4-5 days a week so that's good. i will be going right after work before i pick dita up from daycare.
have a different job prospect. looking forward to changes.
i feel bloated and gross.
Sep 21, 2009
i'm really getting back into OH. starting to take care of myself. no one can do it but me! i'm going to find some over eaters anonymous groups. there's a church by me that hosts them. suppose i should find a church too.
i've got a roast in the crockpot. a guy is supposed to have dinner with us. but, i may decide to ignore him when he texts me. i dont know. i'm so leary of men.
so i've got my size 12 super comfy cut offs on. had tow iggle them up my hips. yup. depressing.
checking out snap fitness on the way home. wont be able to sign up for two weeks or so. but so looking forward to it.
cant wait for drs appointment wednesday.
wish i could stop being so sad about my mom.
that's all really.