Jan 25, 2012
i'm reanylizing everything... because i can't help it.. i cannot stop myself fromt hinking, consantly. i reconsider myself, my life. my daily activities. the way i carry myself.....
i analyze who i'm with. who i've been with. who i've thought i've been in love with.
i have no idea who i am with now. i remember driving him to his house to drop him off realizing this man would be "bad news" but i didnt let him go.......... i talked him into staying...
it's been very up and down. considering i have borderline personality disorder... i can never really tell if my pushing men away has much to do with my "disorder" or if my gut feelings and insticts and emotional overloads are real... or based on anyone elses reality but my own.
i do know i live with a man who has no attraction to me. i know that much. i do know how much That hurts. i look at it from the perspective as... hey, at least i'm not being used for sex. at least i'm not the everlasting sperm receptical. no, he's not interested in me whatsoever.
so how does that really feel? unusual. not that i'm the hottest thing to walk to the earth. no, he knows exactly what hot women look like. suicide girls, tattooed hotties. nope, i'm not oneo f them. i'm a post bariatric surgery girl. saggy, baggy, no boobs. i'm a disfigured woman. so.. i cant blame him right?
... i went and got put on mirena. yeah that's a painful experience. getting something shoved in my uterus. no big deal. for what? i'm saddened i put myself through pain... to prevent a pregnancy........................... where a pregnancy would never / could never occur.
i think.. i'm living with a gay man. he must be gay! i've walked around in thigh highs and stilettos and corsetts and he averts his eyes.
i buy cute panties and he shuts the lights off.
when i first met him he slept naked... no he is pretty much fully dressed. with a body pillow between us. dont worry.. i wont touch ya! he says, u know u can cuddle with me.
but cuddling is me laying on him with no movement from him whasoever. like he's allowing me to do it. allowing me to breach his personal space.
i had body issues before i met him and i never thought iw ould end up with him due to the fact he's so into himself... i could be more body conscious but now i just feel like a fucking failure. i dont sleep much because i cry constantly. and i dont want to go sleep on the couch because i dont want to make a big scene out of it.
i wish he had somewhere to go... i wish it wasnt me that came on to him in october. i wish it were a girl, or guy? he actually wanted. i'm not it. and i dont even want him anymore. i've felt rejection................................ i've felt rejection where guys just wanted to use me physicially or have funw ith me and didnt want anything to dowith my heart.
he wants little emotion. he wants daily routines of laundry done, dinners cooked, and, three minute conversations on how the work day went.... and then silence on the couch watching movies.
dont ask, dont tell, and god forbid do not touch him. well okay, i can.. but he's not gonna touch me back.
but i'll clean the house and put on my makeup and do my best to ask how his day went. i'm so sad.