sarah !.

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i've gained ten. so now i've got 20 lbs to get to my goal. so here's the bottom line. i'm making it happen. i've lost 100 goddamned pounds i can lose 20 more.

i thought i originally wanted to be 130. but i think 145 would suit me better. i'm 5'6 and muscular.

looking forward to working out and feeling less wobbly and jiggly.

has anyone tried Lox? i'm addicted to it. it's soo espensive but i could eat for Every meal. it's smoke cured salmon. mmmmm!


so yes, today i am 165 lbs.
that's frightfully close to 170! so, i'm getting this under control again.


so Help Me God!!

my mom passed away this may and i've not been handling it very well. doing a ton of eating and crying. havent stepped on the scale but i feel like a beached whale.

it doesnt help that i have a stupid job at a fast food restaurant and i munch on chicken nuggets all day.


looking for another job, starting the proccess to go to school in the winter. i fantasize about doing heroin so i can stop being hungry.


but i do have a wow moment. i participated in a 50's pinup girl contest. no i didnt win, but that doesnt matter. i never would've entered before, and i was shy and didnt know how to pose but i was in it!!!
:)


if anyone checks in on me, send out a prayer.

xo

dr.eventually put me on adipex.i did lost the 12 lbs. feeling like i'm sick of freaking about about weight loss. wanna just get my tummy tuck and eventually arms and thighs and move on. we'll see.. gotta start the process to get my tt. or panniculblahblahblah. whatever.
we'll see.
i got a job. it's extra money at least.

well...

i boughta house. been there three weeks.
i've gained 12 lbs in the last two months.

looking desperately for a job.

have an appt with dr to get adipex.

i went to see the other nut. which i thought would help. naah... thought i was a success! and i shold be thrilled!!

no.

i'm on the verge of being devistated.  sorry folks, i really thought i'd be in an inspiration.

that's all for now.

well , lets see..
i moved in with mark and then i moved out! it wasnt working. i really felt like he wasnt trying hard enough to get a job. because, he wasnt! and i really felt like i was supporting him on an income i could barely support myself and Dita with. and, i felt like he was a liar and an alcoholic.
and, he had to go. so, i went.

i'm now staying with ditas dad, frank. unfortunately he lives with his two nephews and one of his nephews gfs. in a house that ins jam packed with a bunch of filth and nonsence. so i dont stay here during the day, i go to his moms house and hang out there with dita. we sleep here though.
he comes home at 3 am though and dita wakes up anywhere from 6-8am so, sometimes frank just stays up, sometimes i go to his moms right away.

i got a very unexpected lump sum from social security. so, i am using that as a down payment on a house! i am "preapproved" for a loan. and tomorrow i have to fax in all the documents that i have. and hopefully , God willing, i will still be approved. i found a beautiful, gorgeous house that would be so perfect for me and dita. they are asking 54,900 for it. i am putting in my offer at 47,000 and i am NOT budging. the house has been on the market for a year. and the owners live in texas... how bad u wanna sell it people?

in other news, i have a consult with a plastic surgeon july 21st. for my tummy tuck. i also want to talk to him about mya rms too. maybe i can get taht financed, who knows. but i really wanna get my arms taken care of so i can sleeve them the fuck out!! my thighs are wobbly but i dont hate them. when i bend over my stomach is soooo horrible.  i will be interested to know how many pounds the doc estimates will come off my torso.

back to the relationship:
basically the whole time i was with mark i missed frank and spent a lot of time with him. i felt like i had to take care of mark and figure out everything for him and think for him and make him do things a grown man should want to do on his own.
i felt like mark really didnt Want me most of the time. sure he'd tell me i was so pretty and blah blah blah and that he loved me. but he wouldnt touch me, and if he looked at me he'd look at my belly roll and that was it.
and let me tell u, the guy was not perfect!

but frank has been there. he really really fucked up with/during my pregnancy. but he has come full circle. and i can just be myself with him. you know?
and he makes me feel safe. and he doesnt borrow money ffrom me or ask me to bring home liquor or smokes and he works hard, very hard. and he doesnt get shit for sleep, and he doesnt complain and he doesnt whine about aches and pains.
basically, he's not a pussy, like mark.

frank doesnt fit my ideal image. and that's hard to get over. it really is. but i'm slowly getting him into  a bit of style. i actually got him some light pomade and put it in his hair! hehe. he likes it.

i dont know that i'll get back with him. but i can say that when guys talk to me online and ask me out to dinner, or ask if i have a boyfriend. it's hard for me to say yes i'll go to dinner... and i say technically i dont have a boyfriend..

i dont want to bring another man into ditas life. that was very hard. marks basically a loser. a lot of good intentions but that's it. but he was really good with dita. and he cried a lot about saying goodbye to her. and it was just sad for all of us. luckily, she doesnt seem to notice. but on the otherhand she just hasnt been right since we moved out so maybe she does miss him? it's just horrible... 

frank and i are going to chicago for a day, maybe two next week. he wants to do something fun during his time off of work. originally it was up north, i said fuck that, if we're driving four hours we're goign to chicago! i've never been. he's my friend, you know? and he is handsome.
and he loves me so much. it's just so hard for me to tell him i love him back. because i dont believe in being "in love" with anyone. i was so in love with mark, oh god let me tell you. i thought i really found the one. it was all a fraud.

but i do love frank. but not as much as he loves me. and i[m just not sure if i'm capable of loving someone like that. and im not sure if i'm capable of living with anyone. i envy people who arein long relationships. how do you do that?

i dont want to hurt frank anymore. and i'll probably always go back to frank anyway, so i might as well stay, and gradually change him into my style? :) who knows.
i'm a fickle bitch.

oh yeah, i'm Still 155 lbs. i feel flabby most of the time
yes i could be goign to the gym but i'm also a lazy bitch. so i wont complain. i eat too much. not sure if it's possible to gain wait at a year out? i ahvent gained anything. i wanna be hot , damn it.

back to liquid protien again! iw ill not be stuck at 155! so help me Jesus. so i finally went and got my levels drawn. i have an appointment with dr. on the 7th. and the bariatric ball is what, the 5th? i have a dress that i bought at a department store in georgia. it's gorgeous. not as sexified as i'd like. but i'ts black and slimming. i'me xcited. we originally planned to get a hotel but that wont happen. it's okay though. i'm thrilled.

mark is going to start my dance lesson today. oh geeze. i'm so clumsy.

well the liquid protien diet went great yesterday. i had 4 protien drinks with fat free milk. 800 calories total. whew! a ton of crystal light and water. and i got in all of my vitamins. with the exception to a chewable multivitamin. i do not have any of those and i have zero money. and when i say zero, i mean nothing! so it's kind of easy to not smoke when there's no way of going out and buying any. so yes, the not smoking is going well. this is day three? i kinda feel high as a kite. i'm a bit woozy from my vitamins. or is it ketosis? i dont know but i like it. i like the power. 
mark was grumpy, as to be expected. he's quitting too. i wish the best for him but he's Never quit in his life. we've tried twice before but i never took any time away from him to get back to what was important to me, so it didnt work... now, i am, and i'm determined. 
the other day the scale said 160 and that's what spurred me into this prolonged variation of the 5 day pouch test. today it says 156. whew. going in the right direction. mark has never really been supportive of my small portion sizes. i was doing fabulous when i first met him. and he thought i was nuts. it's hard for me to think about it because i get mad at him for encouraging me to eat more. when it isnt his fault at all, it's my fault for not sticking to my guns and trying to educate and educate and educate to death.  i know it's foreign to people but godamn, it's not that hard to grasp is it?
i love him, but i'm sorry, he's not worth gaining weight over.

and that, is that!

so friday i may be able to get some chewable vitamins and some milk. i ran out of milk and body fortress protien tastes waay better with milk i'm noticed. i've got quite a bit of chocolate left and a Ton of vanilla left. and oh god skads of unflavored unjury left (yuck) when i get back to eating i'mg oing to start putting a bit here and there in food i'm cooking.

26 lbs to go to weigh 130. geeze, that's nothing! 

i have a gyn. appointment today. i got the Mirena put in about a month and a half ago. it's an IUC. ouch ladies, OUCH. i'm still bleeding from it. today i'm taking a muscle relaxer and a tylenol 3 before i go in there. he's just checking the placement to see if it's okay. it better be!!   then i'm going to the gym.  i gotta work on this gut. it's gross. i know  alot of it is skin but i know it can be improved. 

i'm starting to feel unsexy.

somehow i wear a size four in levi 505's. (they run enormously big i guess) they fit great in the legs and ass. but i have to wear a waist cincher so i dont have massive belly rolls hanging over my waist. nottttt hottttt.

anyway.  that's how it's going. i want to start being proud of my post surgery way of living again. oh yeah, i havent drank liquor since sat. yeah, that might not seem shocking. but i was drinkign every day. i'm not qutting drinking. but i am stopping for quite a while. i just want to cleanse my body and soul, ya know?

love you all.

today i'm going back to all liquid protien. i even drank body fortress from walmart this morning! it really did taste like chocolate milk. i havent drank that stuff since i was like a month out. i added some fiber sure to it. i just want to cleanse myself and get back to feeling skinny and healthy and light. i feel weighed down by carbs and crap and unhealthy feelings. i'm gonna stay at my houes for a few days, cleaning and organizing and just drinking protien. i want to weigh 130 lbs. i want to be able to wear a vintage wedding dress. u know how hard it is to find a Big vintage wedding dress? i know i'm not Huge right now but compared to 50's standards i am. 

i dont want to feel like a failure yet. i want to get my life under control in more ways than one. i've been incredibly succesfull so far. and i thank the Lord and my doctors and everyone who has been supportive. I just need to get the rest of the way now. 

please continue to think of me and pray for me. you guys would be surprised how often it hink of you. including you ms sharkbait-hidden-profile.

man, it's almost february! dorean reminded me i need to update this! 

so i'm at about 155 right now. i think i'm stuck here. i really want to be 130. ig uess just not bad enough right now?

i've gottenr eally sidetracked with everything. bein around my boyfriend. drinkin pretty much every day.

so today it's my goal to stay here, by myself and not smoke and clean up as much as i can and get things in perspective again.

to be honest i'm a little down. some carreer plans fell through and it sucked. sort of a side job that would really help out around here. i'm having major trust issues. 

i dont know. i'm not doing Great. i miraculously lost weight. now i gotta work work work to lose the other 25. God Help Me.

oh yes, not that this is a side note or anything. but, My sweet Mark gave me a promise ring for Christmas.  we've been very happy.
i really hope it continues that way. please keep me in your prayers.

okay, me and dita are leaving for alabama tomorrow!!!
frank's coming to get dita today at noon. oh shit, i have to get her ready! haha.. then, mark gets outta work at 4:30 and i have him to myself till nine. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! get to break in his new house. have some, "i'll miss you sooo much for ten days sex" and be all cuddly and lovey and i'm gonna take pics of us together to show off to my aunt and sister.

then we're coming back here tonight, dita's getting dropped off.. and mark is taking us to the airport tomorrow!



in the meantime. we're quitting smoking.  it's gonna be hard since i've been chainsmoking like a fool. but, i can do it!! i've done it many a times. i'm getting back in the gym and mark wants to do whats right for us and dita. god love him.

mark mark mark mark mark. i know, i'm making you sick!!
yeah but wait till you see him! you'll understand. 


so im procrastinating! i gotta get dita ready. and then pack! and get dolled the fucked up for my handsome mark. haha. he's such goofball. did i mention he's smitten with me? lol. oh yes.

three pounds to go for my century card!! i'm on it!