sarah !.

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they want my records now. the notes from the sessions of therapy i went through.
why would they want those? so they can sift through and look at all my trials and tribulations and say, oh.. no.. she's had a rough life. we cant offer her any hope.  sorry, denied. wish there was something we could do hon. sorry. have a good day okay?

if there's one lesson in life i've relearned over and over. and i refuse to get it through my head an my heart. it's, never get your hopes up. hope is something i've hung on to my entire life, hoping things would get better.. hoping someone would say, hey, lets cut that girl a break! 

it's so not so bad. i have a really nice life. with my beautiful daughter. i'm content. for the most part. i dared to dream, right?  that's what life's all about. 

well, i made it farther than i thought i would. i didnt even know medicare/medicaid paid for the surgery. maybe sometime in the future i could get a psych eval through a different psychiatrist. i'll start talking about the surgery with my therapist now and making sure she documents it. maybet here will be another shot.

see? still holding on to that hope.

my rent went up today. i'm about to start my period. that's why i'm so emotional. 

i'm getting hassled so badly. i hate being a minute nothing when someone can just take two looks at me and dismiss me. 

i guess i recommend to those of you with a mental health history. and who happen to be heavily tattooed, as an added bonus. dont go to Dr. Williams in Flint Michigan. 

we'll see. by the Grace of God i could still get this surgery. (hope) but i dont see why they'd want my records, why they're waiting for that. i already have insurance approval. now i'm just waiting on some man to decide whether or not i'll get a chance at a new healthier life. we shall see.

this is not the post with the surgery date and pre op schedule.
i called today around 4pm and renee couldnt find my file... she said she'd call me back as soon as she was able to "put her hands on it." i was so hoping she'd be able to get back with me before five but i knew that was a long shot.

so. monday. 
i dont want to be a terrible nuisance, so i dont know if i should call back monday. i feel like i'm already on the shit list with this bipolar thing. 

so yes, i'm a little bummed about that. but it's normal. i've read countless journal entries about dissapointments with phone calls and postponed dates. so i dont think it's just me. 

it doesnt help that my mom keeps asking when she should come over.. my sisters, mother in law keeps asking me about it... gotta plan when my sister can come up here. my nieces graduation. whether or not i'll have enough money for the pre op diet kit.
i'm a big planner. i like to have things in order. right now i cant have anything in order. tell me it's in july! just tell me.

on a lighter note :) Dita is getting so big! she has this little thing on wheels that she stands up and leans against.. well today, she was pushing it and walking behind it!!!! she took a few steps. i'm so proud of her. she's getting so big! she giggles and giggles. we're very happy together. it will be fun to take her swimming soon.
babies are fun. although she's turning into a toddler now! haha. i'm lucky. Dita is perfect. i feel sorry for those of you with bratty kids! hehe.

alright. maybe the next update will be the surgery date. we'll see!

Dr. Williams needed a letter from my therapist (who got fired) saying she recommended me for surgery.. and  letter from myself saying i would agree to 12 visits post op. 

well it was a bit tricky since my therapist got fired! luckily they let her back in the office to close out cases and what not, and she was able to write my letter.. which took her all day! i mean c'mon. it was the tiniest of paragraphs and it took her about 6 hours to write it.
i'm seeing why she no longer works there.

she has a good heart. but. um. good lord.
well, i got my letter. they faxed that over, and they faxed my letter over too. and i called the next day to see if they got it and she said yes. i shall be hearing from the surgical border (renee) by friday. well, wednesday is over... so tomorrow is thursday. maybe i'll hear something then.

it's silly waiting to hear, really. i cant have surgery the 14th even if they offer it. my sister cant be here. i'm debating on whether or not i'll take the 21st if they offer it.. my nieces high school graduation is the 24th and i just dont know if i'll be able to attend if i have surgery on the 21st.. it will be so hard to turn it down because i dont think they'll do surgery on memorial day, the 28th.

so, june? :(

i'm disgusting myself with the food i've been eating. i just came from a cook out and i ate hot dogs and macarani salad, i didnt have any cheese cake. yuck, i dont want to eat this crap. but i'm eating it. on the way home i felt my belly jiggle on the potholes in the road. 

i dont know if Dr. Williams can deny me. he's the one that wanted these letters. they must've had a really bad experience with a bipolar person post op. that's all i can think of. i'm approved for surgery by my insurance!! approved! i was approved in april. i should've had someone else do my psych. eval. I really feel like i'm being unfairly judged. he approved me for surgery, i passed my psych eval with him. now he wants these letters. i'm just afraid he's going to want something else now. what if, since my therapist got fired.. he wants docuementation with my new therapist...... 8 more visits...  2 more months. and then a referall..
i might seem pessimistic but i get told "NO!" a lot....  
i'm not sure what this doctor thinks i'm going to turn into. there are varying degrees of bipolar, obviously. eh. well, there isnt anything i can do about it. 

i dont see what else he could possibly want. i'm approved by my effin insurance company. He passed my psych. eval! if he didnt think i should have it, he should've failed me then.. not now. not after all these months of getting my hopes up. dreaming at a chance of a healthier life.

it will be okay. there's just some worry creeping in. but i know everything will be fine and i'm just worried about nothing in the end. i'll get my surgery. 

i'm getting my surgery!!

my next post will be my surgery date and pre op schedule..

well i called hurley today. and i probably shouldnt have. they told me they would call me by today so i called them at like noon. i was impatient! renee remembered who i was right away.

she told me that the meeting the surgeons were supposed to have to sign off on charts got cancelled so they arent having another meeting until Next friday, the 27th.. so i'm not going to get a call until the week of.. April 30th, to May 4th.

and she also noted she was going to write that i had called again in my chart. :( and that's what made me feel like a total dumbass. so, i've been calling too much. so i'm not calling again until they call me. 

i'm pretty discouraged. i know that isnt long to wait. it isnt long to wait. i've been jumping through hoops since october. so everything's fine. everything's fine. 

:(

it hasnt even been that long. i'm approved for surgery! that's all that matter, i keep saying it doesnt matter when i get the surgery, as long as i know i'm able to get it. 
i just really wanna start the process. i want to know 'm getting somewhere. want to be able to tell amanda when she should come up here. be able to tell everyone when my "date" is. my mom might be ablet of fly in from over seas. oh well.......................................................................................................................................................

okay so i'm a little sad about it. it isnt the end of the world. two more weeks is nothing, right ? right? it's not like two more years like my dear friend Dawn. i've been wanting to call her but i dont know what to say.
i've been hoping she'll call me. i hope she's okay. Dawn, if you read this. i think about you often!

i guess i'll end this. the Lord knows what he's doing.

sigh.

alright, the good news is here! i'm approved for surgery. that's right, approved! Renne, the surgical border said i'd get a date by the end of the week. and she said that wednesday! it's now, thursday. i'm pretty sure they'll call today. 
when i asked how far out they were scheduling, she said may 14th! so, that's now far away at all..

i dont feel like i have it yet. i'm happy but i still feel like something can go wrong. like when i bought my car but i didnt have the keys yet. at least i'm approved! that was really quick. i planned all along to have my surgery in may. and here i am!

i'm glued to this site again. rereading my books every night. my sister needs to know when to come up, and when to leave. my MOM is even coming over from overseas, also to meet her grandbaby. this is crazy!!

Dr. Wagner will be doing my surgery instead of Obeid. i've heard good things about him. Thankyou Lord for this Gift. 

I hope i hear today. i have to have 80 dollars for the protien pack for the two week presurgery diet though. i dont think i'll have that. and i know i have a fatty liver. i must! how could i not? my belly is the biggest part on me.

my finances are stressing me out. i might have to bribe frank. 
yeah right. i dont know what to do.

but, i'm getting my surgery!! life is good! God is good!

my records were sent out this morning. March 19th. at 8am. i'll call HBC monday the 26th and see if they have them. i dont know how many days it will take them to copy the stupid files. i dont even have that many for christs sakes. ugh.
 
Something happened with Dr. Obeid's family. he's on leave for four weeks. which is awful. i sent out a prayer. everyone's surgery is being postponed, obviously. it sounds mean to say i probably wont get my surgery in mid may like i wanted. i dont think i want anyone else to do it, but him.
i hope everything is okay with them. 

alright. i called today. March 16th at 11am. Hurley has not recieved my records yet. i called Minasian's office. they werent sure whether or not my records were sent out or not. she said to call back monday or tuesday.
of course i'll call monday. a black lady answered , i've never encountered a black nurse at minasians. she didnt even look, and she didnt even know who i was to speak with when i called back.
yay.

well i think everything is fine. before i know it we'll be in court getting child support set up. he might move in here, not sure. then my surgery! i dont think i'll be denied. 

everything's okay.

i finished my six month doctor supervised diet! i actually accidently lost 16 pounds. so that's pretty cool. my dr. said it wont stop me from getting the surgery.

so now my file is being sent to a copying agency i guess. tomorrow, supposedly. then off to hurley weight loss center. then off to my insurance.

i dont have my medicaid yet because my cuntworker doesnt think i need it, or whatever her problem is. i should've been able to get that expidited due to the fact that i'm living off damn near nothing, but nooo. not i. i'm white. therefor id ont qualify. but, i'm proud to be white. so. when it comes to getting help. i get screwed.

we'll see if i get this surgery or not. people around me or getting it, so it is possible! 

i'm so fat and huge.  Dita's dad of course makes me feel like i'm beautiful. but i'm not. i hav ea pretty face and a disgusting body. i'm willing to take the chance that my body will look really gross afterwards. i'll still be working out.. i'm grabbing this chance by the horns bitches.

i took before pics today. i'm 240. i'll upload them when i have some good after ones!!!


kisses.

so nicole and i went to the great lakes crossing and walked my fat ass round forever 21 pulling up my ultra low rise waist jeans like every thirty seconds.
i hate those fuckers! the only reaon why i get them is because i love dark denim. but i'm sick of them. i show my ass crack every day lately. to some unsuspecting bystander.


anyway

i bought me some goal clothes
screw all you lazy haters and downers who are thinking i shouldnt be getting them, or i might not fit into them, or i'll have too much skin. whatever! fine! 

i got a sailor dress.
sailor. fucking. dress. bitches.
so after i get to goal, i'm gonna get even more tats. yes i said tats. i never say that word.  i'm gonna get on the cover of international tattoo. 
yes, ma'am.

my arms and stomach are sore from weights.
tuesday is my fifth month documented diet with minasian. he said he'll set up preops then.
so.. the time is near!

i started my second cigar box purse and boy is it a disaster so far!
for one, i'm deleriously tired.

maybe i can take a nap
*snore*

i've been working out! every day. 30 minutes on the eliptical trainer. tons of weights. feeling really good that i go. i have to call in advanced to make sure there's room in the child care for dita.. so it makes me go.
but i've somehow gained weight.
i dont think i could gain 4 pounds of muscle in a week. 

i'm depressed about my arms. i Already have batwings. my arms are going to be horrifying after surgery. plus i have a huge tattoo on my left arm. to accentuate it all. 

i'm Very Very hard on myself. and i'm so wonderfully happy for all the women with loving husbands who dont care what they'll look like after surgery. and that's not sarcasm! i am happy for them. but i'm scared for myself. i prevent myself from doing so much because of how i feel about myself. will i continue to do it after surgery? everyone says no amount of weights will help with saggy skin. i thought i'd try bulking up muscle beforehand to see if that does anything. havent read that anyone's done that. i'm a single girl though, facing this alone.. without a nice, understanding man along.

i'm not even worrieda bout eating. although when i do eat i think, damn, i Do eat fast. or when i drink i gulp gulp.
it will be hard to learn to chew and sip but fuck that it's all doable. i dont wanna hate myself anymore than i already do.

i dont have a pannis that hangs down to my knees. i live on the third floor and you know what, i make it up them just fine carrying my 20 pound baby and her 10 pound carseat.
i am terribly unhappy with the way i look. and i HATE my pcos. and i Wont use my stupid cpap.

i dont know how i'm going to get enough money to support us let alone get enough money to get brachioplasty and lower body lifts and Everything else.

oh you're thin now but God forbid you take off your clothes.

i was Ridiculed and tortured my whole life due to my looks. i had the signs of pcos Big time. massive amounts of acne. oily skin. mustache. big bushy eyebrows. i looked like a boy.
and i was teased so brutally. and then i started losing my hair and was noticably bald for years, so right when i got fairly comfortable with my face, everyone talked to my scalp.

so i grew up to be Very concerned wtih my appearance.

i am going to be 26 in may and this is the first time i go out in public without makeup on and look people in the eyes.

i'm just so worried.

maybe i should've tried to get on the Biggest Loser. maybe this isnt for me.
i still havet o learn how to eat right. where am i going to learn that? 
i don tknow.

i guess i'll just get it and deal with the consequences.
it's just. i cant change my mind. i acnt say. i hate this body, i wanna go back and try to lose it all on my own.
even though i know i cant.
i do need the surgery.

i just dont want a super gross body afterward

is vanity one of the seven deadly sins?

i wish i had a super optimistic attitude. instead, i'm a perfectionist. when i have no business being one.

i'll keep on truckin at the gym.