sarah !.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

i have the opportunity to have weight loss surgery.
i might actually get it.
i have a beautiful daughter.
i have a spacious apartment filled with beautiful things.
i'm not going to worry about a bunch of bullshit i just cant control right now.

i'm just not.
i'm going to keep this blog about weight loss surgery and that's it.
i didnt make it to the support group tonight. didnt really wanna take Dita to it. 

take care everyone. 

well, crap.
i've been so seriously depressed lately. pissed off at my absurd exboyfriend. irritable. out of control binge eating. 
i'm on this website all day long. luckily dita is a very good baby or i'd be a total basket case.
i'm just worried and anxious about everything.
dr. put me on effexor at my request. so i'm on topomax and effexor now. i gotta start working out, i know it will make me feel better.
he says the disgusting hump on the back of my neck might not go away after i lose weight. well, what he said was.. "lets hope." he kind of scolded me for not working out and told me that the surgery wont work for me if i dont excercise.

but, he did tell me that we'll have all the pre-op testing done by march so i can get on with my surgery! looks like i'll be having it in april after all.
god, i'm so sad. so deeply sad.  i've really always been this way. but during my pregnancy, and the months after dita was born, i'd been so happy. so very content.
she's 5 months now and i'm starting to go down hill.
maybe i should just stop reading info on the surgery, maybe i should stop going to this site. maybe i'm subconciously picking up behaviours that i are indicitive of morbidly obese people.

i've always had a problem with binge eating. but now i feel particularly stressed out about it because if i gain weight during this time i wont be approved for my surgery. and then i get depressed because i Do binge eat. and then i worry i wont get the surgery. and then i eat.

dr. said that insurance never covers liposuction to get rid of the "hump."
i'm so fucking c ute. bald, fat, and a humpback. god bless my gene pool.

i tried to get into the michigan voc. rehab. today. stupid holidays. she'll call me back wednesday she said. gee, thanks. they probably cant help me anyway.
cant i just stay in bed and cry all day? i really didnt wanna wake up and even go to the appt today. but, i get charged 30 bucks if i miss, and i gotta check in every month. and, i did get my effexor script.

my friend chad is MO. he's dieting and he's lost 15 pounds already! i'm so proud of him.
meanwhile i'm eating burrito after burrito.

i know this surgery isnt supposed to make you happy. but i hope my mood is really improved. i hope i dont lose too much hair. i hope my hump goes away. i hope my arms dont look too gross, an dmy thighs, and my belly, andmy boobs. i hope i'm able to live my dreams.

i hope i'm able to get away from my ex forever.

i really wanted to buy a pack of cigarets today. instead, i got three double cheeseburgers from mcdonalds. i shoulda just got the gd smokes.

sigh.
i dont know what i'm doing.

well let me start with the support group. it was soo much fun! dawn is a blast, she likes to talk.. like me. dr williams spoke there, i was so surprised because i was going to be having my psych. eval with him two days later.
they had a potluck of post surgery friendly foods. only a few people had the surgery, most olderish people. lots were pre ops in process.
can't wait for the next one.

the psych. eval. was scary. i mean, i'm bipolar and i have a history of mental illness. 
but, luckily.. i went to that support group because he remembered me! and, luckily, i belong to this site! because he recommended i go here. i've read teh two carney wilson books he recommended, which, i do NOT recommend. unless you're a wilson phillips fan and you're dying to know all about her short lived career, you're gonna be bored.
they werent informative.i dont need to know what it's like for a fat girl growing up, i grew up fat too! so what her dad wasnt around because he was off being famous. my dad died you bitch!
i should write a book. 

but "weight loss surgery for dummies" came in the mail and so far i love that book. i'm waiting to get my next book, better be here soon.

okay so the psych eval, he said it didnt look good because of my history but he wasnt gonna just say "no" without knowing any more. so, he had me take the tests and then he talked to me about them. he said there wasnt anything borderline thatw ould rule me out, and he was glad to hear i had dr. minasian for a pcp and that i chose dr. obeid for a surgeon. so he said he was going to go out on a "thin branch" with me and approve me. a stipulation was i had to have a minimum of 8 therapy sessions with my therapist bfore surgery and a minimum of 12 after.

yay, i passed.

well my therapist, she's sweet. but she spends most of the time either taking a phone call, doing paper work, playing with my baby, giving me advise on what to feed her and other basic baby care, or possibly what seems to be falling asleep.
and she has no idea about the surgery, or the post op diet. she's all recommending low fat ice cream with fruit blended together.
i've told her to stop giving baby advice, i guess i'm gonna have to stop with the post op advice.
but she is the one that convinced me to go after it. and because of her encouragement, i did. 

i didnt go thursday to weigh in because my family was here and i was too late. so i thought i'd go in friday, and they were closed!!! wont be open till next wednesday so i dont know what to do.
i hope that does screw me over somehow. maybe they'll put in a number for me for this week.

so i'm still obsessed about surgery. i had a brief stint of wanting to apply for the biggest loser reality show. but then i started fearing they might actually pick me! and my daughter is only 5 months old and
i'd be away from her for several months. i'd be soo sad. and then, of course there's gaining the weight back. 

well i still dont have my medicaid. i got pissed off and didnt send in the same fucking forms she sent me 5 weeks ago!
i'll do it though. i think this is my last unemployment check so i should have it soon. 

then i might have to get a job. ack. i think i'll just be poor and stay at home all the time. frank is going to help out with dita necessities so that will be a relief.
and then when child support comes in, woohoo! i think thatm ight be a decent amount. who knows though.

so i gained a pound on my home scale so that means its like 2 or 3 pounds with my shoes and stuff on. i put the gazelle in the closet but i'm gonna have it in my bedroom. i'm so afraid i'll be denied for surgery.

i deserve this! God knows what a horrible life i've had up until now. I trust that He will grant me this need. but i still have a little bit off worry. 
i dont want my poor Dita to grow up fat, i want to teach her how to eat right. I dont wanna be too fat to run around with her or be seen in public at her school functions and stuff. i'll be diabetic soon at this rate, i dont wanna lose my effin legs! i know i'm out of control, i know that i am just fucking out-of-control. 

my sister got so thin, she was so happy and healthy looking. and now, sh es' wearing my pre pregnancy clothes, i feel so bad for her! i know she feels bad too. she's out of control too. and we're so bad for eachother in that way. we just eat and eat and eat.

this site gives me such great hope. i'm so excited to think that one day I will be a sucess story. people will be inspired by my journals and photos. i'm just starting the process! my 6th month diet ends march 20th. i weigh in at my drs every week, have an appt with him every month. he is a great dr. go to dr. minasian in grand blanc!

i know seem selfish aro und my family. i just wanna read my weight loss surgery books and read journals, i just need a lot of me time right now. 

and a lot of sleep. jeeze. i gotta clean out my cpap machine. it's gross, but the apartment complex has a feral ant infestation. and let me tell u they are everywhere and they're all inside my machine and i've been reluctant to clean it out because i might not be able to get them all out and i cant stand the thought of breathin in red ants.
which, i think i already did.

we had our christmas last night and i got way more stuff than everyone else. it sucked. i usually shower everyone with an insane amount of presents. we had a 40 dollar limit supposedly but they're 40 bucks looked like way more than mine.
frank got dita the cool jumpy thing i asked for. and he got me a beautiful nutcracker with "2006" written on it. i collect nutcrackers. 
he stayed and played cards for a while and i got lots of pics with him and dita. 
as i said, my papa passed a way and i dont have many pictures of us. jhust one, and i think i just happened to walk into the picture, it wasnt really of us.
not that i'm expecting anything to happen to frank. but it's important to me, and dita being a cancer, i know it will be important to her to have pictures to show that she was loved. and she is, very much.

well that's enough rambling for now. i hope this thing doesnt delete again. aack.
merry christmas everyone.

well i gained 6 pounds over thanksgiving with my sister. so dr. minasian cleared things up for me.
he told me he doesnt want me to lose any weight. but i can not gain. and he wants me to calculate all the calories i eat after dinner. and weigh in at his office every wednesday.
he's really such a nice dr. 
my scale says 250 so hopefully i already lost it. 
i bought a new couch today. it's being delivered tuesday. i'm so excited.

i'm thankful for so much in my life. i'm thankful for having the means to fly me and my daughter down to alabama to visit our only family.

i'm thankful so much for my daughter. 

i'm thankful for my strength, and my sisters strength.

i'm thankful for the total bank account surprise from social security.

i'm thankful for my kitty. i hope she's okay back home.

i've really come  a Long way in my life. it has been a very hard road. i'd say i had an unusually difficult childhood and young adulthood. but the bumps in the road have smoothed out considerably. and now, i feel that God is going to give me a second chance at life. I feel it's time for me to finally be happy and not be weighed down, literally, by pain anymore.

may will be here before i know it. please God, let this work for me. i've seen so many inspirational posts and pictures here. i cant wait to be one of them! 

please pray for me. i'll be praying for you all too.

xo
-sarah

i'm depressed. i'm so humiliated with myself. i'm in alabama visiting my sister and i just feel like crying. 
i feel so bad for my sister because she's gained back all the weight she lost, almost.
i feel partly responsible for it. she stayed in michigan with me during my pregnancy and we ate, and ate and ate. did nothing but eat.i love her so much. im trying to talk her into researching wls. at least lapband. i think that would work for her.

there's a georgia bariatric clinic we drove by twice today i think it was on victory drive.

i want this surgery.

im so sad. so very very sad.  

my lovely pregnancy hair is gone. i'm doing my b est to cover my bald spots. 
dr. minasian said that he has Seen b ald women with pcos grow their hair back after wls. i hope he wasnt lying. please God, let my hair come back. 

ugh. i think my zoloft is no longer working. i feel like dying. not really. juso sad. i dont know what's going on with dita. she's soo cranky. i think she's bored. i hope she isnt getting colic.

sigh.
i really to talk to sucessful postops.

i was looking at stupid plastic surgery before and afters again. i know i'm gonna have a stomach issue, but to be honest, a Lot of the pics i saw on the before section i would totally love to have! some, oi. hopefully wont be me. i had a baby and got up to 285 and had a big ole belly to begin with so i will probably have a stomach issue. i'm pretty okay with that. my stomach is gross right now! i'm okay with it, as much as i can be.
i am actually reeeallly concerned about my arms. i've got big arms. and i do have a lot hanging already when i hold them out. do u see my pics? i've got pretty much a half sleeve.that sucker cost me 300 bucks and i tipped him 40. if i just had a hangy gross arm that wouldnt be all *that* horrible. but i'll have a hangy gross arm with a big ole tattoo to draw even more attention to my saggy gross arm?

i[m so fucking confused. i'm stressed out. it's three o clock in the fuckng morning. for some reason i've beent hinking about stressful shit all day today. i need to quit the caffiene. i think that's the trigger.

okay so elasticity is genetic.... well i dont really know what compare it to.
my aunts on my moms side look fabulous. my mom was pretty wrinkly when she lost all her weight but she was 50. and she gained it 
back again. but her skin is much thinner than mine and my aunts.
we have thick indian skin. i'm indian and german decent, btw. for some reason peope think i'm italian or mexican. nope. just have oily skin. hah!

my mom raised us to be perfectionists. i cant even live up to my own perfectionistic standards. 
i've got so many great responces from so many women and it made me soo hopeful. but can i really expect things to gow ell for me?

i keep praying. in my heart i trust Him that i will be happy and everything will work out just fine, so i dont know why i worry. i suppose if i hate all the skin i gain back all the weight, right? haha. i dont know if it works like that.

i'm wearing a fucking maternity shirt that my sister made me. i loved it because it made me look Super pregnant. i really enjoyed being pregnant.  but i found myself rubbing my belly like i used to.. and guess what, it[s just fat you fucking sow!

tomorrowi 'm gonna do my makeup and my nails and try to feel pretty. i've just been lounging around not wanting t leave the house so i save money. 

i dont wanna be devistated by my post op appearance. i've never seen myself skinny. i was a size 12 when i was about 8.
now i pour myself into size 18's and only the ones with some stretch. and my ass crack sticks out them whenever i bend over because i like low rise to sit jsut right on my belly so my belt kinda hides the lower bulge. of course the bigger bulge hangs over it like a middle aged mans beer gut.

you know, my 40 year old ex boyfriend was in better shape than me. thats not right.

sigh.

i just know how critical and cruel people can be. i know what guys say about girls. it aint pretty. i pick Myself apart. i'm just hearing some guy that i like say, yeah she looks good in clothes, but when i saw her naked i litterally wanted to barf and had to make an excuse why i lost it.

sigh.
okay some positive self talk here.

do i really give a fuck about what some stupid tool thinks about me? 
no.
do i really think i will be unhappy with wearing a size 8? or a 6? 
how could i be.

i really need some encouragement. i know, i'm sorry but i need a lot of reassurance . i'm just that type a girl.

xo

I haven't written about my second sleep study yet. there isnt a whole lot to say that was different from the first except i got no sleep! the technician kept waking me up. 
i have a full face mask cpap machine. it's pretty good. i tend to take it off a lot in my sleep though for some reason. i do notice somewhat of a difference in my energy levels throughout the day, it's only been a couple of weeks so i'll get used to it somemore.
i really need to go to  a support group. i need to talk to people. 
the "biggest loser" is on tv and it makes me feel like a dumbass for getting surgery. you still have to change your eating habits and your life style after surgery, where am i supposed to learn to do that? i'm still worried about how i'll look after. for the first time i'm worried about dying from complications. i dont even know if i'll be approved for the surgery. i think i will, but who knows.
i need to meet with people who've had RNY.

09/17/2006
I have an appointment with my new PCP on Sept. 25th to talk with him about the RNY. i'm excited and nervous because i dont want to be denied. Hurley Bariatric recommended that i go to him because he's a big wig with them. i hope i dont have to beg and i hope i dont have to leave crying.

i'm 25 years old and i have a two month old daughter. i weigh what i did before i had her so i can't say this is baby weight. i'm 5'6 and 250 pounds. my father was roughly 400 pounds when he passed away and my mother is obese herself. all of my family struggle with weight issues and diabetes and blood pressure, etc. i want to be able to live my life. i have so many emotional scars from school kids and people in my day to day life ridiculing and verbally abusing me because of my weight. i'm so unhappy with myself. i've settled for men that i should've never been with because of my low self esteem.

i thought i was in fairly good health but now my knee caps feel like they're going to pop off every time i stand up or pick up my baby. i had arthritis when i was a kid and it's coming back with a vengence. my legs hurt constantly. i have a huge fat pad on the back of my neck that causes all kinds of neck strain, it's horrible.

i'm so ready for this. i've been praying a lot for God to please help me. i feel like this will work out for me. it might take a while, but i feel certain that i will have the surgery. i deserve it.

i have a consulation with Dr. Obeid at hurley on October 31st. i'm excited. everything will work out just fine. i know it. i cant wait to post my before and after pics on here.

09/18/06
i want this surgery so bad i can taste it! that's kind of a pun i guess :) i deserve this. i got a comment from someone saying it's not about getting skinny it's about getting healthy. but yeah, okay.. that's a crock of shit. heck yeah i want to be healthy! but i'm also young and i want to be skinny And healthy! Dear Lord please let this happen for me. It wont be long and i'm seeing the new PCP. i havent filled out the Hurley packet completely yet. i feel like i'm kind of being selfish.. i'm online during my babies' naps, looking at before and after pics. reading journals and stories. looking up protien powders. if you read this. please pray for me. wish for me, whatever it is you do. i really need help right now. But as nervous as i am. i sort of have a calm deep down saying.. don't worry. you are on the right path.. i'm just trying to trust in that instinct and trust in God that he has this in store for me. my baby is asleep for the night. i'm so blessed. my two month old sleeps nine hours easily. she wakes up at 7:30-45 every morning like clock work. she makes me get a lot done. i'm so blessed to have her. everybody should have babies! they're great.

9-25-2006
today i had my appointment with dr. minasian. he set me up with a sleep study and an appt. to see him in a month. he also gave me a list of reading materials and vitamins to take. i cant get those for another week though.
my BMI is 40.9 and i have 41% body fat. i never knew my body fat before today! jeeze that's bad. i really liked him . he had dimples! i liked how thorough the staff was. i was told that there's usually a wait of 3 or 4 hours to get in to see him. yikes. i have a two month old baby! it's gonna suck going to the sleep study too. she sleeps all night. maybe they'll let her stay with me. i hate leaving my ducky.
he advised me, no more tattoos! because he said i will be very depressed by the way i look with saggy skin and saggy tattoos. yeah i'm worried too. he might put me on some weight loss drugs. i dont know what the course of action is at this time. i just met him so he wouldnt refer me to get the surgery right away. but i told him i have a consultation with dr. obeid and he shook his head approvingly. he told me it doesnt matter how i look after the surgery, it matters that i'm healthy for my baby girl. yes, that does matter. i want to run and play with her and go to all her school events. yeah i'll be the black haired tattooed mama but i dont wanna be the mom so fat i have to be in a motorized chair. or a housecoat everywhere i go. or missing a leg.
this is such a big decision.
i've been drinking atkins shakes. they're good. drinking tons of crystal light. i wore my heavy shoes to get weighed in because i felt like i had lost a couple pounds. i had to of. because the scale weighed 249.1 with my heavy shoes.
i guess that's all i have to write about. we'll see where this goes. he was a good doctor. God will lead me in the right direction.

9-26-06
i need to get another fitday account and log all of my calories n stuff for proof for the dr. and insurance company. i'm so tired. i have no energy. i have the gazelle sitting in the middle of the living room. i only worked out once. dita is napping. i want to take a nap too. today, i'm not so worried about the saggy skin. today, i want to have the surgery. by time i get it. dita will be old enough for the fitness center's day care. that will be good. i dont really like leaving her with the neighbor. i'm so tired. i'll go drink more crystal light. i love that stuff. i want to be thin so bad. i'll follow through with everything.

10-12-06
i went for my sleep apnea test on monday the 9th. it was so hard being away from Dita. i know she was perfectly fine but i felt so sad.
the rooms were beautiful. nice sleigh beds. good quality paint job. tv on the wall. the bathroom was very snazzy. but as i discovered in the morning. the water pressure sucked and i froze my ass off!
it was really weird with ALL that stuff hooked up to me. i refused to turn off my cell phone in case the baby sitter called. but i think that messed with the results. oops. they said they couldnt tell whether i had apnea or not! so i guess i have to wait for my appt. with dr. minasian. although i have no idea when that is. i need to call them. i had such vivid dreams. at one point i thought i heard dita crying and damn near jumped out of bed. i was glad when it was all over. i was so not ready to go there, but i did it. i'm not even trying on this so called 6th month precert diet. its gay. geigh. gey. gei.
my hair is falling out like crazy and my scalp hurts. i guess my beautiful head of hair Was only while i was pregnant. it sucks. i ordered an intigretation hair piece. hopefully it works out. i'm considering ordering hair genesis. but not for a while. me and Dita are flying to alabama to see antler and knuckle page, and then christmas will be here. it's blizzarding out right now! i've gotta get some work done on my car to make sure we can get where we need to go this winter. my consulation got moved up to the 17th. dont know if i said that already. i was originally gonna go with the lap band but i think the rny is best for me. i'll keep this updated. take care everyone.

friday the 13th! 2006
i just got a call from the sleep center. turns out i have mild to moderate sleep apnea they said. apparently i stop breathing on an average 11 times an hour. that's mild? seems like a lot. sooo i have to go AGAIN. and they're going to fit me with a cpap machine. waaaaaaa
i really didnt expect to have it. i guess it's good. it will help me get rested and not sleep the rest of the day. but now i gotta leave Dita again! :(
my belly is gigantic. i look like i'm 9 months pregnant when i push it out. and it hurts! my cesarean inciscion is a little painful. the tissue all around it is sore still. i've got cramps so bad and a sweet tooth from hell. wish i'd start my stupid period already. when i go so dr minasian i'm gonna ask him for birth control and aldactone. that helps with oily skin and hair issues. grr i can not believe i have to go back there. it was nice. but very weird! i'll be more prepared for it this time. have a good day everyone.

oct. 19th 2006
i went for my consult with Dr. Obeid on the 17th. it was great. didnt learn anything new, but it was nice to meet him. he was impressed that i knew his first name and that i had done research about him. he said i should print out the rave reviews he's recieved and show him.
he also gave me a huge bear hug.
he did tell me though, that he's going to do rny laproscopically. wow! i totally planned on having it open, and a big ole scar. but he said, nope. i'm a great candidate for lap. so that's pretty cool.
there was one other lady in the waiting room that i talked with. she was well dressed and manicured. the other ones were extremely morbidly obese and having trouble walking/breathing/staying awake. there was a funny guy in there though who was a post op. he'd lost 188 pounds. he was so happy! i kept staring at all the thin people. even though they would have to have been post ops. i still wasnt sure! some looked sickly. but i saw some younger girls who looked vibrant and thin.
i hope i get the dumping syndrome. i hope i get it bad. i have a feeling i will.
they said after we get approved by our insurance. it will be within a couple of weeks to have the surgery.
i'm still doing my six month diet. i'm not sure if dr. minasian will help me out with that or not. but, it looks like i should have it by may then. since i started sept 25th. so, march is six months? wow. i think so. yeah. that'll be here in no time. my sister is coming up in may though. so she can help me take care of the duckling. lap is only a couple weeks healing time! wooo! the bariatric team were alll very nice. they all seemed to genuinely like me too.
i struck a pose for my before picture. haha. i said iw anted to accentuate my fatness. it was great. i'm gonna be thin. hell fuckin' yeah

alright. i called today. March 16th at 11am. Hurley has not recieved my records yet. i called Minasian's office. they werent sure whether or not my records were sent out or not. she said to call back monday or tuesday.
of course i'll call monday. a black lady answered , i've never encountered a black nurse at minasians. she didnt even look, and she didnt even know who i was to speak with when i called back.
yay.

well i think everything is fine. before i know it we'll be in court getting child support set up. he might move in here, not sure. then my surgery! i dont think i'll be denied. 

everything's okay.