Nikki C.

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I got a complete unfil on March 10, 2011 due to sever heart burn.  Then I got scheduled for a barium upper GI on Friday 3/18.  On Friday after the upper GI I freaked after looking at my own ungodly images like WTH is that!!!!  THe Dr. had to wait for the report and review the images on Monday the 21st.  While the reflux subsided I have been experiencing what is most likely esophogeal spams and other stomach discomfort.  Doctors orders - for the rest of the weekend until I heard back from him liquids and some mushies (pudding, yogurt etc).  I pushed my limites and tries some very moist scrambled eggs but

I got a call from the Dr. last evening and he said my band is in the right place and not slipped.   He said he was hoping with the unfill and prilosec that any irritation would subside but since the reflux was so severe and I continue to have esophogeal spasms and some stomach pains he wants to move forward with upper endoscopy.  I should hear from his scheduler today and hope to get that done in the next two weeks.   He ok'd me to go back on regular foods but food just hurts and while it taste good going down and goes down easier than ever, after, I have the dull aching chest pains.
 
So my now "unfilled" band sagas continue.  He said we will talk about options after the EGD! If nothing shows up on the EGD (erosion, ulcer anything like that) he still seemed inclined to try to revise because obviously being minimally filled is not working with the reflux and I should not be having the chest/esophagus pain.  For the few instances that I wasn't on straight liquids this weekend shortly after doing mushies...bam...the chest discomfort was on.  It's a very dull pain that I have had before since being banded - mainly if I have eaten a little too much but now that it is happening with pretty no food, no clue where it's coming from.  Today I have been on liquids only and still have dull chest pain.  What in the word is going on with my esophagus?!?!?!?
 
So as it is, I am still just hanging!  I'm going to stay offline and not self-research anything more to freak me out and try to be as careful with food and food choices without any restriction or my internal STOP sign as I like to call it.  
 
Still debating if I want to post a thread on the band board and share my experience.  Considering it's not a slip, they can't attack me and say it's your fault for overeating, your fault for not eating the right things, blame blame blame.   The band board can be so frustraing but I am thankful there are some people on there who understand and are supportive regardless if one is not the perfect bandster.  I think it's fair to share the good, the bad and the realistic. 

Wow I feel like its been forever...well it has like 3 months.  But truth be told it's been a rough 3 months.  My weight loss stalled over the holidays and snow storms but has picked back up recently.  I had another gall bladder attack last week and I am finally getting this beast removed.  

I got a fill on Monday 3/29 and did my modified diet for a week but for the past 10 days eating has been a struggle and yup quite frankly I am TOO TIGHT!  Better watch how and who I say that too lol  OOPS!  Unfortunately I can't do an unfill until the end of the week and not sure I will even get in, so this week is looking like probably not a great nutritious week but I'm going to try to do better than ice cream.  Some sliders go down but others do not and most of my protein is from shakes or milk or cheese which seems to be ok but I've certainly had very few real and/or nutritious filled meals so I need to work on that this week.

I am so close to breaking the 250 mark and getting on with the second half of my weight loss.  I realize i need to step things up on my end but all of this is still a learning process for me.  Maybe in  years time I will have my act together! 

And I'm crossing my fingers for strength, help, and miracles.  I know many people say a fill won't change things and it might not for you but it DOES for me.  I immediately woke up "different" today.  I had been starving and ready to eat furniture every morning for the past 2 weeks and today, I wake up not ready to kill someone. 

I was feeling a little tight last night and I'm still unsure.  I guess time will tell when I get back on solids but right now I am riding the wave of liquids.  Did fine yesterday and so far ok today.  I'm hungry a little but not evil and bitchy. 

I saw my pouch and my band on the barium swallow yesterday and it all is good.  My last weigh in at the Dr's office was on 11/26 and yesterday I was down 4lbs but that is with an entire month of living on fat and sugar...cookies, candy etc etc.  Not too bad.  Had I not fallen prey to those foods I'm sure I would have had great progress but that's neither here not there ...adios 2009 holiday season. 

I still have my mental funk going on but honestly I always do.  I myself have to accept that it is just who I am and other people who choose to associate with me have to accept it too.  I am a true at heart perfectionist with everything and therefore have a very hard time being content or satisfied even if things are going "good" as my mentality is they always could be better.....kinda might suck to me be you'd say and I'd have to agree sometimes.  It's not easy always having to work at something because things just aren't the right way and therefore something in my life is usually off balance and when lots of things are I am losing it like in my last blog.  We all can't help for our upbringing and our wiring.

I'm slowly but surely working and figuring out some things but of course they aren't going fast enough or easy at all so I get frustrated.  If I only had to focus on my weight loss it would be easier but such is NOT the case.  If I have my way I will get there though.  It's not going to be today, tomorrow or next week but I have a plan and a schedule, I just hope it works! 

Ok off to get my soup.  YAY for fills!

Well I haven't blooged about my WLS in a log time but here goes by bullet point mind you. I am in such a mood today I am not sure if I want to scream, cry, kick something, go to bed, drink or EAT! 

My discussion post have reflected whats been going on with me but in a nutshell I am just kinda miserable right now.

*hate the holidays badly - rather not go into major discussion but they are just never warm and cushy like peoples around me seem to be. 

*have been dealing with the so called gall bladder issues and trips to the ER and more and more Dr. visits.  Just have not been 100%

*Of course food got me through the holidays and while I could never do as much damage before I certainly went overboard on carbs and sugar.  I have gained maybe 3-5lbs since my last visit with my band Dr. at the end of November.  So the entire month of December went down the shitter with no progress and mild.minimal regress.  cookies and candy galore....and that is pretty much all i ate for a month...didn't care about protein or fluids and probably didn't touch a vegetable.  YES  I suck and here I go already sabatoging myself which again was one of my fears with the band.  I got in the mode well I lost alot of weight quickly I am ahead of the game so who cares about Christmas eat all the cookies and chocolate in sight.  WTF is wrong with me...WHAT GAME..  I'm the only player in my damn weight loss so I'm not ahead of shit. I am so pissed off! 

*I never feel good or happy ever!  I am always tired and stressed about something.  Work, money, my piece of crap house, the extent I go to with my rescue stuff, and my shitty shitty no more friends.  While I have met new and good people I just havent gotten to a point with them that I feel like I can ask them for help or depend on them...I hate depending on anyone for shit.  I have this attitude anymore that if I can't do it myself it just doenst get done.  Yes I am hating the world right now.

*had my EGD and my HIDA Scan last week - BOTH NORMAL so with those being said regardless of two trips to the ER with them thinking it's gall bladder nothing is proven so they right now they won't take it out.   I have to go get  base line blood CBC and then I have to get another after ANOTHER attack so I whatever is going on I will probably end up in the ER at some point AGAIN - probably when my weightloss resumes if and when that ever happens.

*Ok and I am starving.  I wake up hungry all the time.  I NEED A FILL but have to wait until 1/18.  Only 12 more days to try and keep myself together.  I've been sitting at my desk at work thinking about going down stairs and buying chocolate.

*I'm back in my funk and yes there are underlying issues.  I have some major life problems not including weight loss that I am dealing with and it just sucks - plain and simple. I somewhat isolate myself and try to just work through those things by myself but being alone alot just puts more emphasis on things.

*I realize I can only do one thing at a time and other things take time and I do my best not stress on everything but sometimes not stressing or being neurotic about something makes me go in the opposite direction...i.e. the weight loss and the past months behavior with eating junk food and sliders.

* let's finally add that I started off 2010 with my period which is making me miserable and the damn wind and cold I managed to get my first cold sore of 2010 ALREADY!  When I get a cold sore, I am the worst mood ever.  They are ugly, they hurt, they take at least a week out of my life of ritual behaviors by washing hands and not touching my mouth so I don't spread it etc.  And not to mention walking around looking like someone punch you in the mouth or like you have the plague on your face.  I'm sure most people who get cold sores are not as nuts as I am about them but I honestly have these bitches since I was 2 god damn years old thanks so some lovely family member who had them and decided to kiss a baby with a fucked up sore on their lip.  Damn to hell do I hate cold sores and stress and wind and this and that always causes and outbreak.


Ok thats enough. I am outright miserable today.  Maybe I can end the day with another trip to the ER so that I can find out what the hell is really wrong with me when I am doubled over in pain on the floor in the fetal position and can't breathe.

Times like this and in this mood I would eat, eat and eat more!  SO MUCH FOR THAT even though I know I could go attack some sliders. I will just stay at my desk with my protein juice and hate life today. 

Hmmm is tomorrow here yet?

Plateau Buster Diet
Courtesy of Stella62 (Lisa O.) from the Lap Band Forum
on May 17, 2009 7:19 am
There are two versions of this diet.  Both are posted here for your use.  I have know idea which one is best, (version II has fruits and veggies added).


Plateau Buster Diet, Version I

How to break a plateau

#1 - Do this for 10 days to break a plateau

#2 - Drink 2 quarts of water a day

#3 - You must have 45 grams of protein and all your vitamins/minerals supplements each day

#4 - You may consume up to 3 oz of the following high protein foods, 5x a day

beef
pork
chicken
turkey
lamb
fish
eggs
low fat cheese
cottage cheese
plain yogurt or artificially sweetened (?)
peanut butter
beans/legumes

You may also have:

sugar free popsicles
tea or coffee
sugar free soda
sugar free jello
broths/bullion (sp?)
crystal light drinks

#5 - If it's not on the list, you can't have it for 10 days!!!!

#6 - Keep a food diary and try to get up to 30 mins of exercise daily




Plateau Buster Diet,  Version II with fruits and veggies added.

#1 Do for 10 days to break plateau

#2 Drink 2 quarts of water a day

#3 You must have 45 grams of protein supplement and all your vitamin
& mineral supplements each day.

#4 You may consume up to 3 oz. of the following high-protein foods,
5 times a day:

* beef,
* pork,
* chicken,
* turkey,
* lamb,
* fish,
* eggs,
* low-fat cheese,
* cottage cheese,
* plain yogurt (or artificially sweetened),
* peanut butter,
* beans/legumes.

#5 You may also have:

* sugar-free popsicles (avoid juice popsicles),
* tea or coffee,
* sugar-free sodas,
* sugar-free Jello,
* broths & bouillons,
* Crystal Lite drinks.

For Vegetables eat from only this list:

Broccoli, cauliflower, green beans, spinach, Brussels sprouts,
Asparagus & Cabbage

For Fruit choose only from this list:
Cantaloupe, honey dew, watermelon and strawberries

#6 IF IT IS NOT ON THE LIST YOU MAY NOT HAVE IT!

#7 Keep a food diary and try to get 30 minutes of exercise daily.

This blog is going to be a little reminder to me of things I don't do well with since being banded.  Please keep in mind that some might read this and think she is eating THAT?!?!?!   Well yeah. I stick to my guns and say I had this surgery to be able to eat more normally and not as much in excess...doesn't mean I am not going to still like, still try and still eat many of the foods that got me in trouble, I just won't eat for a family of 4!


Problem Foods
These foods might be something that I just know I can't ever eat since they always get stuck or make me slime or ones that I have tried and just didn't go down so well.  Many of these I could eat pre-fill but not anymore.

*Protein shakes  - I get nauseous at the though of them, I know they are good for extra protein but I just can't do it.  They make me physically sick
*Thin Sliced Lunch Meat - Thin turkey or ham always makes me slime not sure why- chewing maybe but I have done better with a thicker cut.
*Uncooked Vegetables or RAW - Any crunchy vegetable that has not been steamed to mush, can't do it.  I manage to eat coleslaw mostly because it's wet.  Broccoli I will puree to be safe or steam until it's so limp and filled with water.
*Tuna Fish - I have a problem with most Tuna because it is too dry.  Even if its made with mayo generally for the amount I use it's still too dry.
*Bread - I have tried bread and different times and some times were better than others.  It literally has to be eaten beyond slow, so no sandwiches of course.  I bet if it were the bread soaked in olive oil from Macaraoni Grill it would slide down...damn, I just need to stay away from there.
* Hardboiled Egg Yolks - WAY TOO DRY! Egg salad ok but just eating a boiled egg, heck no!
*Fresh Pineapple - it has to be super ripe and not cut too close to the rind - even if the pineapple park anything slightly hard will get so stuck.
*Fried Mozzarella Sticks   I know I know I shouldn't being eat these but I got it out of my system. Seriously I could eat a plate of these and just shovel them in.  I think I had about two and they went down ok..dipped in red sauce of course BUT a few minutes later. SAT and sat and sat for about an hour or two.  I think I will move onto something different and check these off the list for now.
*Chicken - I just can't eat it.  I tried many times in many ways and most time I always end up sliming and pb-ing.  It's just not worth it.  There has only been one type of chicken I can eat and that is very thin sauteed on god knows what.  So chicken is almost never my choice.

more to come....

UH OH Foods
Uh oh meaning damn I wish I could NOT eat this $#!t! Stuff I have to be mindful of when consuming or consume on special occassions.  This is the downfall of having the band because you get NO adverse reactions to these foods just that you may not be able to eat as much as you used to, you still can eat it! So these types of slider foods you still have to have self discipline and control.  GREAT....

Chocolate Pudding - I live off this - sugar free but still I could eat it and eat it - it just slides down.
Cake - I've had 1 piece so far and it was cold so it went down, had it been dry, no way.
Cookies - easy  but I am trying to stay with the 100 calorie pack kinds just to get my fix.  Goodbye to my 2 rows of oreos for dinner while guzzling milk.
Ice Cream, milkshakes - I've been careful here but I know the FF no sugar added  ice cream goes down so the regular stuff will too...grr.
Chocolate - I had 2 pieces of a soft chocolate truffle.  Weakness. Not sure how a hard candy with nuts would do but I'm NOT trying to think about it.
Brownie - This is pre-surgery trigger food.  I had 2 bite size pieces at a work function did well and was ok with the spall portion. Can't bring these into my house or make a pan.  Before I could eat the whole box when it was cooked.
Peanut Butter - this one would be on both list.  Pre-surgery I would eat this right out of the jar and I'm sure that would not go so well anymore but regardless even to use in recipes or protein shakes, this stuff is better kept far far away from me.  It's like drugs.  I have PB2 and I use that for recipes and it gives the taste I miss but just not the texture or the good brain waves after I am done eating a huge PB&J sandwhich.

I'm sure this list will stay rather consistent while the above will grow but you never know.  I will update accordingly. 

So as I despise shakes more and more post-op, I figured perhaps I'd try to get on the bar bandwagon. 

I bought a whole bunch of different bars, brands and flavors and I'm going to put my 2 cents in a blog about each one after I've tried.

UPDATE:  So I talked to the doc about protein bars and I was told a few things.  I should not use them as meal replacement - they want us to EAT! Also if we are using them for protein they need to be at 12+ protein and and watch the ratio of calories to protein.  If I were to choose one of the lower protein ones like 10 and under. It would be ok for a snack on the go versus grabbing a bag of chips at the 7 eleven or stopping for fast food.  I'll take that but the few that I like so far have been the lower protein ones...imagine that because they don't have the ack taste to them .

Zone Perfect
Fruitified, Blueberry - pretty YUMMO.  Had this one for breakfast. No funky taste in any bite or after taste.  It stacks up to all those non-protein wanna be special k or other brand of bars that claim to be "healthy".  Not sure how healthy these are either but I'm looking for the protein mostly and this one happens to be quite low in fat compared to other bars. I would buy this flavor again!

Fudge Graham - Not bad.  Not a candly bar but it did have a slight cinammony graham cracker taste to it.  I was pretty hungry when I ate this one - it was my dinner on the go AFTER grocery shopping. I'm in the middle about this one for now, but much better than the toffee Power Bar.  UPDATE - I tried another one of these and my verdict is NO! I won't buy this one again!

Chocolate Mint - YUMMY YUMMY its the next best thing to a Girl Scout Thin Mint!  I think these will be a staple in my stash!

Chocolate Peanut Butter- This did not kill my craving for chocolate or peanut butter. Not a keeper for me! 

Power Bars
Nut Naturals Mixed Nut - Really liked this one. because of the nuts.

Harvest Whole Grain - Oatmeal Raisin Cookie - not the greatest substituion for an oatmeal cookie.  I only had a few bites so I will update when I eat the rest of it.

Harvest Whole Grain - Toffee Chocolate Chip  - This was not worth the calories for.  I tasted no toffee and it certainly had quite a bit of protein taste.  It did however hold me over way longer than a shake ever has.  I would not buy this flavor again.
 

EAS AdvantEDGE Carb Control
Chocolate Peanut Butter Crisp - I did like this one for the amount of Protein that was in it!  This is a keeper for that alone.

LUNA BARS  (these are my favorite)
White Chocolate Macadamia Nut - LOVE IT! But my Dr. says not enough protein.  Still a better snack than a slider.
Lemon Zest - LOVE IT! But my Dr. says not enough protein.  Still a better snack than a slider.

South Beach
Chocolate  Crisp - I bought a box so will be eating these.  It kind of reminds me of a chocolate rice crispy bar -  I think it has 12 grams of protein.  While they are decent.  I'd choose a few others over this.

Pure Protein
Blueberry Crumb Cake & Strawberry Shortcake - I prayed these would be good because they are so high in protein.  1 bite and in the trash it went.  YUCK! 

More in my stash at home to be added and reviewed.

Well it's not news that the past month has been stressful and emotional on me.  The two main reasons are financial setbacks from out of pocket surgery costs and family/friends not being there for me or just not understanding or trying to comprehend what WLS is and why people choose it. 

Last week I so struggled with food the end of the week...I was eating between like 1200-1400 calories.  No restriction here as I'm not filled at all so it was all mental and self restriction.  Now in the grand scheme of things 1400 calories is probably about half to a third of what I'd eat most days.  Half the time my lunch was just that - sandwich, chips, and a cookie or something - yeah a whopping 1400 calories ads up quick especially when grab on the go.

My cravings are up and down.  I did eat some salt and vinegar chips the other day...about a handful. They went down WAY easy and I didn't feel that bad.  TOM was here last week so while it's no excuse, I was hungry all the way around - physically, emotionally, mentally. Halloween I will need to stay far and wide from stores that have candy on sale.  I'm going to hibernate on Halloween night..if I buy candy to give out it could quite possibly all be gone before I get any trick or treaters. I just don't want to put myself through it and I won't!  I just hope people don't start bringing racks of candy in at my job.
 
I'm kind of tired of eating the same stuff but I really haven't been in the mood to cook.  I've been really wanting to go out to eat but just really am afraid to go.  Emotionally I cannot handle any food outings anytime soon, including Thanksgiving.  Perhaps I will feel different once I get a fill but not today. 

Today I got stuck for the first time in while.  I was eating a hardboiled egg for breakfast and once piece of the yolk I assume got stuck...WOW.  It was so stuck that I don't think I could talk for a few minutes.  I even took a sip of water and sat at my desk holding my chest.  YIKES!  After that I might avoid the yolk in boiled eggs unless I make egg salad and it's wet.

Regardless of surgery, this time of year I always get in my feelings about something.  I love the fall weather and the scenery but I always feel lonely.  I think I have been sadder than years past since now I don't have the food to rely for that feel good feeling.  I am more anxious as I anticipate the holidays which have always been stressful, but again I won't have food to help me escape this year.

Lately I have been so regretful of a lot of life decisions I made.  Including the surgery - not the surgery itself per se but the way I went about it.  Since it was my second time around pursuing after being denied in 2001, this time I jumped in HEAD FIRST and was determined to have this time surgery ASAP.  That is exactly what happened now it was like WOAH...WTF - no turning back now. 

Needless to say I push everyday for "something"  positive and I do take notice of the little things that cross my path. Unfortunately with all those little good notions come the bull.  The good old saying have to take the good with the bad but damn truth be told I'm tired of it.  I do my best to remove or avoid myself from people and situations that are taxing right now but some are just totally unavoidable.

My internal conflicts must be written all over the outside of me.  I don't do my makeup like I used to, I have no energy even with the weight loss (I hate my CPAP).  I'm just not "me".  Little by little I'm trying to get back into things that make me who I am but when you are dirt poor it's hard.  I'm kind of a maintenacy chick, hair, nails, toes this that and well when funds are low and you have to cut, that is the first thing that goes which is terrible for self image and esteem.  I am so much more lively when I am put together, regardless of weight.  But right now because of my financial setbacks, I am falling apart. I might be shrinking but I feel like I am withering...like a dead droopy flower that once was so pretty, perky and colorful...eh!

By no means do I want my melancholy attitude or behavior to have people think of me differently.  So many people are just so happy after weight loss surgery and rightfully so we all should be but for some it takes more adjustment than others as well as many of our supports systems are different and that has a lot to do with how one feels daily.  While I appreciate and love all the support and feedback from my online peeps, it’s not the same as an entire reality day to day.  I don't have the opportunity to go home and have dinner with someone who is perfectly fine and on the bandwagon having a healthy portioned meal.  I can't have dinner with friends and family and expect them to make it special for me or allow me to bring some recipes to the table for a nice WL friendly dinner!  I get the...YOU CAN"T HAVE THAT! and then under the breath, but I can, CRAP!  For me this is a major life change that in many regards is depressing all the while in the end rewarding.  

I mean the way I am right now - weight wise...it's not like I could go out and find some health-nut boyfriend and have him take me under his wing.  Plus I like guys who drink beer and eat pizza haha.  I don't like skinny guys. I like a big strapping football player type man!  Sometimes I think finding a dude who is/has gone through WLS would be ideal.  At least we'd be on the same page.  But seriously I am so anti- relationship until I get myself together that I don't want to be involved except for on my terms. Par for the course I have had a part timer for the past 3 years (don't even ask....another jacked up situation I have going on) but hey all about comfort and convenience. Imagine that!  

I say to myself every day, no one really wants to deal with other peoples shit, so get yourself together before you open your mouth and stick your damn foot in it.  I am totally an open person.  100% real, truth be told and tell it like it is.  I'm a total extrovert and some people have issues with that.  No modesty at all in my bones, and I'll give you answer to anything you ask me.   It's no news I tend to be opinionated and voice it.  Yes, a firecracker if you will...short fuse but I'm better than when I was in my early 20's.  I still might make a face but I try and think first before just letting it all spill.  So with that admission, I've been telling myself I should really refrain from some of my message board postings especially on days I feel like I woke up in a dumpster.  People tend to go wild with their own perceptions and illusions of who someone really is without knowing a damn thing about them but surface material.  So perhaps I should just shut up for awhile before people starting thinking i'm this real bitch, a pain in the ass or someone ready to slit their wrists (which let me clarify has never been even contemplated.  My family cannot afford to bury me in my pink rhinestone encrusted casket!) So until I get on the good foot and stay there; no need to have people feeling like they need wallow with me right? Which means you all might not be hearing from me until after tax time and Uncle Sam gives me some of my damn money back! 

Whew!  that was a lot for one blog...what's for lunch?!?!?

Well I haven't written anything in awhile because I guess I didn't have much to say but unfortunately it's boiling over right about now. I'll start by saying most doesn't have anything to do with WLS or my progress or issues with my band personally, but perhaps the aftermath and everything that was and is involved.  Just life in general right now is aggrivating me.

I'm counting down the days until my fill. I am HUNGRY! At my appointment last week the PA told me I would be and soon enough I would have my presurgery appetite back before I get a fill - LOVELY! I've been managing to stay around 1000 calories the past few days with high protein but find myself eating every few hours.  Hunger just not curbed but I'm not going out of control either with choices or portions. I'm still sticking to a routine with logging my food etc. I start regular foods - soft foods this weekend so hopefully with that transition I can still keep myself in check.

Nonetheless I am struggling with other things.  Because of surgery and all these appointments I have particularly with the Sleep Dr. I am going broke. Obviously also it cost quite a bit more money to eat healthy so while I eat about 1/8 to 1/4 of what I ate before, my grocery bill has TRIPLED. My financial struggles are causing lots of stress at a time when I need it the least! I'm doing my best to take it day by day but I am scraping the bucket.  NO MORE DR. BILLS! And I haven't even gotten my full bill on surgery yet to see what the insurance is covering, so my nightmare has yet to come with that.  

Additionally, my relationships with people involving food are frustrating. None of my friends include me in anything anymore. No Sundays watching the games - they don't even call. Then my family is another story. My father is probably a big contributor to enabling my weight gain over the years.  Although he is not morbindly obese, just overweight, but he is obsessed with food. This past weekend, my family wanted to visit - not me, but do there own thing. Friday they spent the day at the Harbor and the Aquarium in Bmore. I was at work so no big deal.  They came out to me Fri. night after dinner.  Saturday they went to the festival in fells point...to do what ...EAT! Of course I didn't go to that.  However the plan all weekend was that we would make dinner one night of something I could have and still puree so we decided on Turkey meatloaf.  Well after they came back from eating at Fells point, Mom wanted to make the meatloaf. BUT, my dad had to have a feast with it - mashed potatoes, creamed corn, buttermilk biscuits....none of which I could eat and he knew that.  And he had to stop at the store and get chips and cheese danish and god knows what else that he couldn't do without for a few hours.  I was friggin livid that he had no consideration whatsoever.  He has never had any, not even when I was in the hospital,  he brought friggin food to my room and was eating it while I was nauseous from the smell. I didn't even want to eat with them I was so mad. Then low and behold, the next morning, no sooner does he get up and he has to go to Denny's for breakfast.  Again, I sit home.  Then to top it off, all he did all weekend was complain and nag me about my house and my pets, mainly my pets. Then he commented to me that after this time he wasn't coming for awhile. Funny, because they came on their own accord, not because I needed them to like surgery or because they were coming to visit me.  The older he gets, the worse he gets.  We always had issues but as an adult, he still wants to be the boss of me and treat me like a kid. He is super chauvanistic and also very negative. He is the type of person that screams at the TV watching Fox News! He does not now how to be supportive of anything for anyone. He was blessed with ZERO compassion or sensitivity.  Mind you he was telling me in the hospital while I was still coming out of anesthesia and trying to get up to use the bathroom, that I needed to just suck it up as he was sprawled out on the recliner in my hospital room.!  Joke or no joke...it wasn't funny. 

I don't know ugh.  The more independent I become the frustrating it is to handle him.   I know how he is and many of his moments are worse than others. The thing is that there is no compromise with the man.  It's his way or no way, and I can't live like that. My Mother is totally submissive and she does what he says or what he wants and just follows behind like a little duckling.  I am not at all like her. I don't take his shit! 

I will admit that he usually steps up for "fatherly" things but generally not without a grunt or groan or a throw it in my face type of thing.

I guess the point I am getting at with this whole blog, is at the time when I need people, friends and family, to at least be positive about my decision, I'm forced to deal with the negativity or just be alone.  I'm trying to be assertive and make new friends both on the WL Forum and close to my new house but my efforts haven't been very succesful so far. I know I need to focus on me which for the most part I am but the step I took to have surgery and change my life is hard to go at alone.  And even if I have to do the hard part by myself, it would be better to be surrounded by positive things in my daily life.

I do hope to make some upbeat friends in the near future.  And as for my family, well everything is a two way street and they are going to have to meet me in the middle. I am an orphan for Thanksgiving and it's for several reason I will not be traveling to see them.  Initially we spoke about having Thanksgiving at my house but it will not suite my Dad now that I have had surgery and would like to tone a holiday meal down to a normal size.  Not 3 starches, 4 veggies in cream or cheese of somekind, 3 different breads, and 4 different desserts.  Mind you...this would be for FOUR people and maybe a few people who might stop by for some dessert or leftovers.   And we also have dog issues so the holiday thing is not happening.  Again for Christmas too, it will depend as my dog is not welcome in their home so I will have to decide.  I have not been to visit any of my family since last Christmas and most don't seem to notice...my phone isn't ringing so I know where I stand with them.  I've always been the black sheep anyway! I hope someday to be able to have my own family that sings a different tune from what I am used to! 

Whew that was alot. Thank God for therapy tonight! What a way to start a Monday!

Ok,  so I am getting a few cravings. Some are sporadic and others have been constant.  Most of these cravings are unusual foods that I didn't really indulge in pre-surgery.

My biggest constant craving is -
Movie Theatre Butter Popcorn - like at the movies!  So I won't be going to a movie anytime soon.
Something Grilled - I should be able to tackle this one soon just maybe not a steak.

Strange craving -
yesterday i had a craving for fruit loops. WTF!  While I used to eat sugar cereals, this was not one that was really ever on the list.  I would eat Honey Nut Cheerios. Golden Grahams and Cinnamon Toast Crunch but never Fruit Loops.  I wish they could make some of my favorite cereals with Splenda.

Another weird craving - corn on the cob....again something I hardly EVER eat but just might knock someone out for an ear of corn.

I did have a brief craving for cheese curls or cheese balls but thank god it passed quickly because I used to eat those alot for lunch and would kill a whole 99cent bag which is like 3 servings and 400+ calories.  Plus I bet that is something that will slide since they dissolve in your mouth so I need to watch myself with those!  

The only time bread bothers me is when I can smell it being freshly baked or of course if it was in front of me but avoiding that at all costs.

Cravings never seem to be for veggies...Nooooo!

Also, I am trying to pretend that pizza does not exist!  It's my poison and I'm not anywhere close to being able to have a slice so I just need to get it out of my head.