Been a bit since I've been here...Monday 10/5

Oct 04, 2009

Well I haven't written anything in awhile because I guess I didn't have much to say but unfortunately it's boiling over right about now. I'll start by saying most doesn't have anything to do with WLS or my progress or issues with my band personally, but perhaps the aftermath and everything that was and is involved.  Just life in general right now is aggrivating me.

I'm counting down the days until my fill. I am HUNGRY! At my appointment last week the PA told me I would be and soon enough I would have my presurgery appetite back before I get a fill - LOVELY! I've been managing to stay around 1000 calories the past few days with high protein but find myself eating every few hours.  Hunger just not curbed but I'm not going out of control either with choices or portions. I'm still sticking to a routine with logging my food etc. I start regular foods - soft foods this weekend so hopefully with that transition I can still keep myself in check.

Nonetheless I am struggling with other things.  Because of surgery and all these appointments I have particularly with the Sleep Dr. I am going broke. Obviously also it cost quite a bit more money to eat healthy so while I eat about 1/8 to 1/4 of what I ate before, my grocery bill has TRIPLED. My financial struggles are causing lots of stress at a time when I need it the least! I'm doing my best to take it day by day but I am scraping the bucket.  NO MORE DR. BILLS! And I haven't even gotten my full bill on surgery yet to see what the insurance is covering, so my nightmare has yet to come with that.  

Additionally, my relationships with people involving food are frustrating. None of my friends include me in anything anymore. No Sundays watching the games - they don't even call. Then my family is another story. My father is probably a big contributor to enabling my weight gain over the years.  Although he is not morbindly obese, just overweight, but he is obsessed with food. This past weekend, my family wanted to visit - not me, but do there own thing. Friday they spent the day at the Harbor and the Aquarium in Bmore. I was at work so no big deal.  They came out to me Fri. night after dinner.  Saturday they went to the festival in fells point...to do what ...EAT! Of course I didn't go to that.  However the plan all weekend was that we would make dinner one night of something I could have and still puree so we decided on Turkey meatloaf.  Well after they came back from eating at Fells point, Mom wanted to make the meatloaf. BUT, my dad had to have a feast with it - mashed potatoes, creamed corn, buttermilk biscuits....none of which I could eat and he knew that.  And he had to stop at the store and get chips and cheese danish and god knows what else that he couldn't do without for a few hours.  I was friggin livid that he had no consideration whatsoever.  He has never had any, not even when I was in the hospital,  he brought friggin food to my room and was eating it while I was nauseous from the smell. I didn't even want to eat with them I was so mad. Then low and behold, the next morning, no sooner does he get up and he has to go to Denny's for breakfast.  Again, I sit home.  Then to top it off, all he did all weekend was complain and nag me about my house and my pets, mainly my pets. Then he commented to me that after this time he wasn't coming for awhile. Funny, because they came on their own accord, not because I needed them to like surgery or because they were coming to visit me.  The older he gets, the worse he gets.  We always had issues but as an adult, he still wants to be the boss of me and treat me like a kid. He is super chauvanistic and also very negative. He is the type of person that screams at the TV watching Fox News! He does not now how to be supportive of anything for anyone. He was blessed with ZERO compassion or sensitivity.  Mind you he was telling me in the hospital while I was still coming out of anesthesia and trying to get up to use the bathroom, that I needed to just suck it up as he was sprawled out on the recliner in my hospital room.!  Joke or no joke...it wasn't funny. 

I don't know ugh.  The more independent I become the frustrating it is to handle him.   I know how he is and many of his moments are worse than others. The thing is that there is no compromise with the man.  It's his way or no way, and I can't live like that. My Mother is totally submissive and she does what he says or what he wants and just follows behind like a little duckling.  I am not at all like her. I don't take his shit! 

I will admit that he usually steps up for "fatherly" things but generally not without a grunt or groan or a throw it in my face type of thing.

I guess the point I am getting at with this whole blog, is at the time when I need people, friends and family, to at least be positive about my decision, I'm forced to deal with the negativity or just be alone.  I'm trying to be assertive and make new friends both on the WL Forum and close to my new house but my efforts haven't been very succesful so far. I know I need to focus on me which for the most part I am but the step I took to have surgery and change my life is hard to go at alone.  And even if I have to do the hard part by myself, it would be better to be surrounded by positive things in my daily life.

I do hope to make some upbeat friends in the near future.  And as for my family, well everything is a two way street and they are going to have to meet me in the middle. I am an orphan for Thanksgiving and it's for several reason I will not be traveling to see them.  Initially we spoke about having Thanksgiving at my house but it will not suite my Dad now that I have had surgery and would like to tone a holiday meal down to a normal size.  Not 3 starches, 4 veggies in cream or cheese of somekind, 3 different breads, and 4 different desserts.  Mind you...this would be for FOUR people and maybe a few people who might stop by for some dessert or leftovers.   And we also have dog issues so the holiday thing is not happening.  Again for Christmas too, it will depend as my dog is not welcome in their home so I will have to decide.  I have not been to visit any of my family since last Christmas and most don't seem to notice...my phone isn't ringing so I know where I stand with them.  I've always been the black sheep anyway! I hope someday to be able to have my own family that sings a different tune from what I am used to! 

Whew that was alot. Thank God for therapy tonight! What a way to start a Monday!

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