Miranda B.

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190 for theast 2 months. yay! its hard though still, not physically, but mentally

I don't know when the last time I was 215 pounds. Or! Or in a size 16!oh my gosh. I look soooo damn hot. lol.

So I haven't taken any pills since Thursday when I had started dry heaving again, and haven't been sick since, and have started on solid foods again. I ate a slice of quesadilla last night! Yippee for me.

So I was really nauseous the week of Feb 8th, and then Feb 9th had to have my gallbladder taken out. I was so nauseous to the point that I couldn't talk because I was going to gag and throw up. Then the week following I was in so much pain because I can't take Vicodin anymore, it makes me dry heave. 

So finally I started eating campbell's chicken noodle soup broth and some saltines, and they were working great for my nausea, but then I decided I wanted to go back to solids because I felt better. 

I think I may have started solid on Feb 24th liquids Feb 25th, and then solids again until today. 

I had a cold last week and I thought all the cold medicine and not eating were making me nauseous again, and then later in the day I would dry heave. I called the doctors they said let your cold go away first. 

My cold is gone, and today I started dry heaving again. I did it an hour and a half after I ate lunch, and then 2 hours after that, and then two hours after that. 

I don't know whats going on, or why this is happening again. I'm really tired of this. Would I do it all over again, we'll see. The day I feel 10000000000000% better, then I'll let you know. But until then, don't keep your fingers crossed that I like this at all. I almost wish I could go back to being fat and eating whatever I wanted when I wanted, and what I wanted. Now I can't even have water. 

It's still coming off and I can't believe it. Some days I think I'm having a plateau and others I get on the scale and 5 pounds is gone. I've had such a terrible time with this, and by the time I'm done, I better look and feel worth it. 

Things that have happened:

Hematoma 2nd surgery 7 days after gastric bypass

Stenosis 1.5 months after gastric bypass resulting in an endoscopy

Gallbladder went very bad affected liver, removed Feb. 9th. 

Getting written up at work for 35+ days of unexcused absenses.

Be careful what you wish for, and think long and hard about the decisions you make. I'm not saying that this is extremely terrible, just extremely mentally hard. Sometimes I wish I could just be fat and full again like I used to be. Sometimes I'm glad I look better, but haven't come to the feeling better part of it all.

My couple of sad days were because I've had so many complications and have been in the hospital and had surgery so much that my spirit kind of seemed to fall. But then the next day I was happy again, with a slight cold. 

Now my cold is awful and I hate it hate it. Cold viruses need to die!

I think in my last post I mentioned something about getting sick because of the sugar content in something. I was wrong again. I got sick about a week and a half later, and it was 3 days straight, the last day I was dry heaving. So I decided to not eat anything to let my stomach rest. I didn't eat for 4 days, and then I had my doctors appointment for my one month follow-up, that was really a 5 week follow up. Anyway, I had lost 48 pounds by that day. The doctor asked me what solid foods I was eating, and I kinda looked at him like a puppy would, with that cocked face and the eye brow raise, and I said, "uhm?" I really didn't know I was already supposed to be eating solid foods, and even if I did know, I wasn't because everytime I ate, I was uncomfortable with the way I felt, and sometimes I would throw up, with what I thought was overeating or because of sugar. 

When I told him all that he said, "Are you vomiting a white foamy liquid?" And I said yes. He told me I had Stenosis. So, for work reasons I couldn't make the surgery until 4 more days later, so I had nothing to eat for 8 days straight. I kept myself well hydrated thought so I wouldn't be in the hospital for longer again. 

So Thursday came, and I was really nervous, and I tried to stay as calm as possible. They came to put the i.v. in my arm and then wheeled me to the endo lab. I got there and there was a nurse there, and the person who wheeled me in left, and I asked the woman if she was going to be my drug dealer for the day. She affirmated my statement. Then the doctor came in and he asked me some questions, and then he told her he was ready and to sedate me. She sedated me and then they put this green thing in my mouth that had a whole in it to stabilize the tube they were going to use, and then she wrapped this strap around my head, and all I could think was, "oooooh, kinky." And before you know if, the doctor and nurses are laughing their asses off. I had said it out loud. lol. 

Anyway a procedure that lasted 15 minutes seemed like 1.5. I was belching the whole time, that about all I can remember of it. 

As of today, I now am down 58 pounds, and its only been 6 days since the day I weighed 48. Wow! Can you beleive it. 

I also think I had my first wow moment. I was at starbucks one night last week, and my skinny friend had choosen a table that was blocked by people and other tables. There were two ways to get to where my friend was, one was a wide walking space, and one was a narrow walking space. There was a guy in the wide walking space getting ready to leave, but he was packing up all his stuff, so I stood there for awhile and waitied until he was done, but then he was taking way too long, and so I decided to swallow my pride and walk on the narrow side. 

Well, not only did I get through easily, I got through with room to spare! I can't even judge my own body anymore. I still think I'm bigger than I actually am. And whats weird about that, is that when I was as big as I was, I didn't think I was as big as I was. Very strange. 

Anyway, today was my first day on solid foods, and I've done great so far. My birthday is on Feb. 24, and So far I've lost a pound a day since surgery. 44 days since surgery 46 pounds lost. I figure if I lose a pound a day until my birthday, I will have lost 86 punds since surgery, and 98 since Oct. 3rd. I can't only hope. :)

Yes yes, that's right 43 pounds! I'm so proud of myself. 

When you're in the shower and you're washing your face or your stomach or your legs and you think, "man, that feels or looks a lot smaller?" especailly the "feels" part? 

Isn't it the same strange feeling when you cut off all your hair? 

It's so weird.

I'm not depressed, it was just hormones. I'm fine now and everything has leveled itself out, for now. I can't believe the difference I see already in my body and my face. I no longer hate looking in the mirror, or even taking pictures because I know I won't look like that for very much longer. I've only gotten stomach cramps and bloating from coffee mate, which says its dairy free, but on the ingredients still lists milk derivatives, which makes me feel ill. Other than that, I haven't even gotten sick yet, or had head hunger really bad, or anything like that. I feel like I'm doing an amazing job with my tool, and couldn't be happier at the moment. :) 16 days out and don't know how much I weigh. I think it's time to buy a scale!

I'm starting to think that I'm getting depressed. I just cried because I just realized that I almost could have died. It makes me very sad. I'm happy with the surgery, and I'm happy that I've lost 21 pounds already, but I'm really sadden by the fact that I had to have a blood transfusion and that it was more serious than I thought, and acted. I feel like I let myself down by not worrying about what happened, and not taking better care of the situation  by not going home the first time. I think I'll call the doctors office tomorrow.