The sneaky snackified blog...SUCK IT NUT CLUSTERS!
Jun 11, 2010I don't want my weight and the loss of said weight to be the center of my universe. I don't want food to be the center of my universe. I don't want exercise and the proper calorie count to be the center of my universe.
I never thought changing the laws of physics and defying the boundaries of the cosmos were going to be on my daily agenda. Today it is. I've been a good girl. A damn good girl. The kind of kick-your-high-calorie, carb-entrenched ass all over the place mindset has taken over.
I do cardio 3-4 times a week. I think it's cardio...Richard Simmons, grooving to whatever Rich and I are in the mood to groove to. I'll admit it, I get down with him. It's actually quite a work out...and just watching him shake his hips is amusing enough to keep me entertained.
I pack my daily food bag. I measure everything out...and thanks to a very healthy love of ALL foods, I love eating the healthiest of the healthy stuff. I don't crave the carbs, not really...I know what I'll feel like once that first bite goes down. All in all, give me a stick of string cheese. I'm a happy girl.
I'm working on my food log. It's a blue book with white polkie dots that gets to go everywhere with me. It's filled with happy faces, sad faces, angry faces following food items. I can honestly tell you that the happy faces far outweigh everything else.
I've lost 52 lbs. I tell myself, this is 52 lbs that I wouldn't have lost without my sleeve. I should be proud of myself. But it seems like a cheat. I lost 25 pre-surgery. In the hospital, I gained that 25 back in water weight. I lost that 25 within the first two months after the surgery. I once made it down to 192...(oh the glory days!) but a movie, soda and popcorn (and yes, I knew/know better) brought me back up to 204 pretty much overnight. It's been about a month since that 192 hit and the weight loss gods are punishing me. I can feel it. This isn't a stall...this is an ass-kicking. I'm not whining, I'm repenting.
I have a full life...how much of that full life should be devoted to my weight loss? The more I focus on weight loss, the more I focus on food and the more I focus on food, the more I stray towards bad habits. I want this tool to work, I want this lifestyle change to continue...I don't want to be pacified with people telling me my body is in shock (I've had two more surgeries after the sleeve for non-sleeve related things). I don't want people telling me that as a revision patient, I'll lose weight slower. I don't want people telling me that because I didn't start out as an uber heavy weight, I won't lose as fast.
I want just one person, ONE person to say...HEY! I've been where you're at. I sometimes screwed the pooch on this lifestyle change, but overall I was good. I didn't exercise 10 hours a day and get a personal trainer and/or join a gym. I hit stalls that lasted weeks or months...merely months after the surgery. I drank and ate my protein like a crazy protein starved person...but the weight didn't fall off. It crept off. I want one person to say that they truly understand where I'm at. June 4 was my four month anniversary date. I was at 51lbs at that time.
I'm writing this blog because the forums make me depressed and depression makes me snacky, but the boards also inspire me, which I need...and I wasn't inspired tonight...I was depressed. So no Nature Valley nutclusters for me (bag is here, unopened...) I'm going to snack on words tonight...and now I'm off to take a shower...no longer feeling snacky, but damn proud of myself that I didn't open the bag.
May 15, 2007