OhButSheHasSUCHaPrettyFace

I keep forgetting...

May 13, 2010

At what age do we turn "old"?  Maybe it's my senility finally settling in, but I distinctly remember in my teenage years, old certainly hit after 25...and I'm turning 33 on Monday and I've yet to look in the mirror and see old.  I have the same skin that I did when I was 16...okay, actually, better...fewer breakouts and I learned the value of skin care.

But seriously, when is this age of wisdom, sophistication and oldness hit?  I've been waiting to grow up for a very long time...and I'm to the point now where I almost fear it.  Maybe it's the fact that my husband and I don't have kids yet...I've heard that men are kids until they have kids...and then, EVEN then, they still retain many aspects of a 12 year old.  Maybe I'm more like a man in that regard.  Believe me, I have my share of video games...and I'll get down and dirty on Dungeons and Dragons.  I still find that hanging out with my 6 year old niece can be the highlight of my week...and the fact that we're cruising the same brainwaves on what do to with that time is a bit unnerving when looked at from a 30-something perspective. 

Will I turn old when I stop singing in the car at the top of my lungs (thankfully drowned out by a loud stereosystem?) Will I turn old when I wake up and see blue sky and my toes don't tingle at the thought of running around in grass or sand barefoot?  Will I be old when I come home from work and see my hubby and don't squeal and go running up to him (Peggy Bundy style) and throw myself at him?  

Will it be okay to have kids and still be a bit of a kid yourself?  Do other people look in the mirror and still see themselves at 16...13...5?  Do other people still have the same little kid inside of them...with their fear and uncertainty?  As adults, we learn ways of handling ourselves, for societies sake at least...but inside, are we ever actually adults?  My only responsibilities are bills and feeding my husband and animals...cleaning my house, gardening...work...etc.  Will I have more responsibilities that will age me?  I helped raise my niece for a large part of her life...and I remember thinking that now I have an excuse to buy all the cool toys.  It didn't seem like a responsibility so much as a joy.  So...is it perspective that has us stay young? 

My ramblings need to end...there's hungry man that needs to be kissed and loved and fed...but I'd love to hear your feedback on all of this.  I've been wondering for years...when will I grow up?
2 comments

So many changes, so little time

Mar 14, 2010

My mother died on Feb 24th...in Hospice...brain cancer/lung cancer...and whatnot.  I know that when someone is sick like this, we're supposed to be more ready.  Her last MRI showed the cancer backing off and they gave her a good two years.  Then the Saturday after I got out of the hospital...she was in the hospital for pneumonia.  I got my oldest brother up from Wyoming to see her (Hasn't happened in 5 years)...and they advised that the NEW MRI showed a new cancer altogether, much more aggressive.  I wasn't prepared, I'm not prepared and somehow  I'm in charge of everything...I got the call at 2am, drove to hospice to meet her long time boyfriend there...I knew he'd be a wreck, so I stood strong...my husband walked him out to his vehicle and I touched her face, kissed her and held her...she wasn't there but I needed that special mommy/daughter moment...I cried and told her again how strong she was, how proud of her I was...and then when we got home, I needed something else, we watched South Park till 6am and then as the light began a new day, I cried in my husbands arms until we both fell asleep.  We are planning a celebration BBQ of her life in the spring when the flowers start to bloom... 

But really, this isn't the whole point of the post...It's more along the lines of how dramatically this has affected my mood.  Depressed, of course...and I'm not a depressed person...I don't really feel like eating anything...and so I'm mooching off of my hubby's dietary plan (VERY low on the diet, very high on the weight).  I've lost a total of 38 lbs...and I haven't gotten off my butt to do a body comp yet so I don't know what I've lost.  I'm doing okay on protein...lunch is cottage cheese, three low carb, high protein, high fiber crackers with liver (high protein) pate' (I like it)...and now I'm going to work out...I just thought I'd give the update...


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5 days out =c)

Feb 12, 2010

 After 14 hours on the road, we arrived home last night around 10pm and I can tell you the pain is less than it has been in the past few days but still very much there.  With the lapband procedure, I didn't have this pain...this muscle spasming pain that just about drops a girl to her knees.  I can't bend over, I can't reach very high...but with it slowly getting less, I know it won't last forever and it's in no way diminished the excitement that I'm feeling.
Dr. Trotter pointed to me when I was pretty doped up and shook the "I'm in charge" finger and said "Only liquids, young lady, for a month"...however...I've been getting good and creative with my liquid diet.  Dr Trotter told me he approves of pretty much anything that a baby without teeth can have.  Well, anything that a baby can have that's good for you and not junk food.  So I've gotten some cream of wheat and puree'd it with smart balance, skim milk and fruit and a bit of cinnamon.  The effect has been amazing.   I think I'm going to totally groove on the liquid diet.  I had a hard day today, (first day home and tons of running around today...life doesn't stop if I have surgery and I made him drive)  so Andrew made me dinner.  He puree'd chicken and put it in top ramen broth (I know, I know...sodium central...but top ramen is his "specialty").  I read that some mashed potato with puree'd with some roasted chicken is a good idea too.  I'm doing my protein shake like a good girl, 6 scoops.  I'm never hungry but he said to aim for a 1000 calorie a day diet.  I'm getting about 510 from the shakes.  I do so enjoy coming up with new and interesting little recipes.  It's harder now that I'm not craving anything and I never feel hungry.  

I purchased some cream of stuff soups...I'm sure I can come up with SOMETHING fun with them.  If you have any ideas, let me know =c) I'm ALWAYS up for new ideas.  


Tomorrow, I'm going to attempt some garlic mashed potatoes puree'd with some chicken.  If it's liquid, I can drink about a cup of whatnot...as long as it's not thick.  I seem to be able to get more down if I use a spoon, and I use the baby spoons.  With anything thicker, I'm standing firm at a 4th of a cup.  

When I was discharged from the hospital, I gained a good 10lbs of weight from the liquid they pumped me full of...and before that, from a road trip where I drank tons and tons of liquids, I gained about 6lbs back...so leaving the hospital, I was 244.  Today, I'm 222.  I'm thrilled.  I knew how to work my lapband and I lost so much weight from it, however, I craved absolutely everything.  I rarely felt restriction unless it was something I wasn't supposed to eat.  Now, after a 4th of a cup of something nummy, I'm full and I have NO desire to finish it...instead, I hand it on over to the hubby and he's all "NOMNOMNOMNOM" and we're both happy.  

This will be our first Valentines day together.  I wanted it to be special so I'm making him cookies (which I in no way desire but I love the idea of decorating them and making them special for him) and we're going to have a nice romantic dinner.  I went to a Thai restaurant tonight and picked up some of their soup.  It contains Rice noodles, ground chicken, shrimp, bean sprouts, cilantro, green onion, lime juice, lemon grass, fried wonton, and lime leaves in chili paste.  I asked them to separate out the rice noodles and the fried wonton.  For me, I'll puree' everything else and for him, I'll add the wontons and the noodles.  I know it's not the perfect dinner for valentines day, but considering that I know he'll love the flavors, it will work well for us.

Everyone always writes their "After surgery, how I'm doing today" blog...and I really thought I'd have nothing to say...amazing...I can't stop myself from chattering away.  I'm pretty sure this is due to pain meds.  =c) Over and out! 




7 comments

I'm so happy to join y'all as an official LAHOOOOOSER!

Feb 09, 2010

I have my very own banana...and he's all mine.  I've decided to currently name him PITA.  Pain in the ass....as I'm actually in pain.  I know it was surgery...but I've had several and never felt this much pain.  Oh well, I guess it makes sense when you start kicking your internal organs out of your body (SHUN!) that they wouldn't go without a good kicking and screaming fit. 

All of you were right...I needn't have been so stressed about the liver.  Dr said it looked beautiful (I think a doctors relationship with our internal organs is the same as a mother's relationship with alien fetus from planet womb).  He said there was quite a bit of scar tissue from the previous lap band but he said it was expected and such.

The best part of this trip has been my husband.  He was scared and nervous and still managed to drive 14 hours to get us here without killing me for chattering on and on and on (which I do when I'm nervous).  He hasn't wanted to let me out of his site....last night he slept in the recliner that he pulled right up to the edge of my bed...and he held my hand all night long.  Around 3am, he was cold so he went to sleep in the pull out murphy bed and he laid there with his feet to the headboard so he could be up closer to me...within reaching distance if we needed to hold hands or whatnot. 

Surgery is as surgery does...and I'm excited for this second part of the journey.
 

7 comments

Bye Bye Old Weight Loss Ticker...

Jan 24, 2010

I need to say good bye to my old weight ticker as it no longer reflects my new journey...but I'm posting it here to remind myself that I did it once, I can damn well do it again.  Like some warrior wolf-goddess hunting evil poundage until I annihilate it all completely.  RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!!!!!!!  But until then...bye bye pretty weight loss tracker.  ***waves bye bye***




The good news...my NEW weight loss ticker is already happily on the move for my pre-op diet.  Today, I'm starting full liquid protein shakes.  It will be the hardest part of this journey as I've already experienced it once.  With a husband that loves food and as a woman who loves to cook him food, I'm starting cold turkey on any special treats made for him (as I know I'll sample here and there).  

I realize how lucky I am.  I've read that people have waited and waited for their surgery...and here it is, 8 months after having the lapband removed, I'll be sleeved.  I know how wonderful Dr. Trotter is...as he called my insurance company, had a peer-to-peer discussion with the doctors there that figured my BMI was too low (I was 23 lbs to goal weight).  I've watched what I ate, more accurately, I watched myself eat and eat and eat until my BMI was high enough to impress the insurance company. Although impressing them wasn't the goal and I didn't gain the weight back to have the other surgery, it's the only positive thing that has come back from becoming obese...once again. 

Another thing I've realized on my happy dance back to fat-land...I can't lose it alone.  Tool or not, I need the support of other people understanding what I'm going through.  I need all of you wonderful people.  My husband is wonderfully supportive, really he is...but does he get it?  Only now, for the first time in his life is he actually overweight (in part due to me and not controlling what I ate).  He's been my partner in crime these last 8 months.  We married back in August of 2009 and since then, he's gained about 60lbs.  I know that my tool and my concentrating on what I eat as I have in the last two weeks have been helpful to him...he's lost 5 lbs.  So, overall, I need to read these posts, these struggles that my new peer group is having.  The struggles as much as the triumphs.  

Not at all my usual style of blog...if you've read any of my past ones...no funny jokes, just rambling thoughts as I gaze thoughtfully at my banana supreme protein shake (and can't help but think that a bit of vanilla ice cream would go lovely with it)...


2 comments

Weight Loss, Take 2!

Dec 07, 2009

Trying to find the humor in this...lemme see if you guys can help!  Last January I lost my job (sad) yet in March, I found a new job (happy)...however, I had to switch my insurance company.  In March, I had some serious pain in my stomach and my new insurance didn't cover anything bariatric related.  Group Health (whom I now refer to as Group Death) adviced me it was no big deal, I simply had acid reflux, very common with the lapband.  From March to June, I couldn't eat...when it got to the point that liquids wouldn't stay down (and I had gone from 211 to 165), and after numerous trips to my new doctor, I marched myself into the emergency room and took the hysterical female approach to get results.  The news?  My band had slipped and my stomach had herniated into my chest... =c(  And the worst part was that the lapband had to be removed.  15 lbs from goal weight, I had to take my "Lapband buddy and Me" t-shirt off and brave the world without it.  

Gained 20lbs within the first 2 months...amazing, my eating habits are better than they were before...but I'm never full!  I remember this feeling!  I can eat anything I want...and the most horrible part is that it's now December...and I'm at 220 again.

Good news though...I've been verbally approved by my insurance company to my surgeon for the sleeve.  If anyone has any experience with the two different surgeries, I'd love to know the physical feeling difference between them.  =c)
5 comments

Still here, still fabulous, still fat...

Feb 19, 2009

But seriously, have I mentioned that I'm fabulous?  Okay, I have.  It's been one year and almost a month and a half since surgery.  I'm at 230lbs.  I've gained muscle, I've lost fat and while the process is slow...I'm still losing.  And the process wouldn't be slow if I didn't cheat.

We all cheat, right?  I'm not the only one out here...cheating all by myself.  A big, fat, (and yet apparently muscular) cheater.

I've been determining what kind of mental unbalance I have to make me food obsessed.  I've determined that I'm basically a man.  With men, (most men...let's not generalize and make people peeved with me) you can mention certain words...and those words will pop up certain images in a mans frenzied and fevered sexually deprived brain.  Women know this.  This is called power. 

Now, take me...there are certain words that will get my juices flowing...words such as "creamy"..."cheesy"..."fried"..."crispy"..."pastry"..."icing"..."buttery"..."golden"...there are so many words in the human vocabulary that really just turn me on.  Turn me on towards food that is.  The Food Network is my sick style of video pornography...cookbooks are my style of Playboy.  And as in pornography...reality rarely meets my expectations and standards...and as with men and sex, I will need to find a way to make reality fit into the nice sized box that it deserves to be in. 

There are some things in life that rarely meet our standards, but the few things that go above and beyond give us hope that someday, we will meet that perfect cream puff that is all that we've dreamed of.  Peanut butter cups do this.  I've never come across any combination of peanut butter and chocolate that didn't do everything that I thought it would...luckily, I rarely crave these.  No, I crave the impossible. 

And really, like a married man flirting with the idea of cheating, so often...I pick up that cream-horn...I nibble, I flirt, I desire, I appreciate...and voila...while I've done most everything past the point of nibbling, that nibbling bite expands in my stomach, pain shoots EVERYWHERE and I can't complete the act...and then, whatever I have woofed up in the toilet is replaced with a poisonous guilt...

And as with some men...the deciding factor of "was that really cheating" could be dismissed with ideas such as "well, I didn't actually have intercourse with that woman"..."well I didn't actually eat all of that cream horn and I woofed up most of what I did eat..."

So here I am...orally transgenderized by food.  Not condoning cheating...not really even explaining it away...but essentially accepting it as a flaw that I need to fix, to control.



0 comments

My scale and I have had a long love affair...but it's time to e

Jan 08, 2008

Today, I am 4 days post op.  Trying to stay hydrated, trying not to watch cooking shows...realizing how much I want to eat when I'm not really hungry.  I've only been hungry once since I had the surgery...but was that an empty stomach or gas?  Who knows...
The first day after surgery, I nibbled a meat ball.  I completely did not even consider it...talk about a habit.  Besides a general discomfort (which I would like not to revisit) I'm still alive.  Then Monday, I was reading through literature on what to eat....my dr's instructions versus what websites are saying...solid vs pureed vs liquid.  He wants me to stay on liquids for a full month.  I miss bread and butter.  As usual, when placed on any restriction, I want what I can't have.  Part of that mental process who's tush I'm going to have to kick sideways.  
Now, on to the scale issue.  It's been with me a long time.  And it usually measures me about 15 lbs lighter than I really am.  I love that.  I hate that.  I want reality now.  I want to know where I'm at.  I want to celebrate real successes.  Anyone out there have any ideas about the best scale to get?


Losing, Losing, Losing...keep dem poundies losing...

Jun 10, 2007

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

I'm on my way to surgeryland...up and down, the pounds go,  as is my normal diet repetoire.  My scale has a habit of being very nice.  I don't trust it.  May 7th was when we (my friend Courtney and I) went in to talk do Dr. Trotter and tell him that we've finished our labwork.  He's advised her that she needs to lose about 10 (she just went on a trip and took her "trip" food...so I don't think any pounds were lost this weekend).  As for myself, I need to lose 15 to 20 and get my vitamin D up.  According to my nice, possibly lieing scale...I'm at 180.  Down 24lbs.  If I lft my toes up, I lose 5 lbs (RAGE AGAINST THE FAT TOES!).

We called the office last week to find out how everything is proceeding.  The lady at the office said she hadn't received anything from our primary physician.  Well, well...I happen to know that that is just not true.  Dr Trotter had all of our information in his hands on May 7th.  We'll be calling up again on Monday to find out more information.  I hope to have the surgery sooner than later as I have googles of vacation time coming up soon.  My employer is nice enough to let me have a few days of my already scheduled vacation back so I can plan for the surgery and since a recent promotion gave me 32 hours more of vacation time, I feel confident.

As for our surgeon, Dr Trotter...I like his no nonsense approach to our surgery.  He's directed us to a shake for our pre-lifestyle change diet.  It's not so bad.  I use my old weight watchers cup which seems to be more standard at work than our bank branded cups that the bank gives to us.  I fill it up with water a few times a day and just chug.  I'm a huge fan of water, thankfully.  

I've spent some decent amount on this webpage so far...still looking for friends, support.  I started branching out and finding interesting people to add to my friends list.  

Hope everyone has a great week!


Have you met my friend Food?

May 15, 2007

I started this journey that will take me through the course of my life last October.  My significant other and I stumbled over websites about WLS.  The "cure-all" for the obese was how we looked at it.  We could find one dr on our insurance that did it in our area and no one at his office seemed to have a clue what insurance he took, what exactly he did and while they finally got to know us (we called once or twice a week to get information that we never got) we finally gave up.  In March, my mother mentioned a seminar for weight loss.  My new surgeon; kind, compassionate and amazingly insiteful (and very, very strict) gave the seminar.  He had moved from his previous state to our Washington and we are blessed for having him here.  We've finished with our labwork, (I found out I'm diabetic...is that a sign for WLS or what?!!?) and we've had our consult.  We're working on losing our 10-15 lbs. right now.  We're not too concerned about in our insurance...we've bugged them enough and they've advised they cover everything.
Food is my friend, we're good friends and we go waaaay back.  Food has always been there for me.  There are not that many people in life that you can really say that about.  I can honestly say that I'm not emotionally dependant on food.  I love food.  I really do.  I have met very few foods that I don't like and they mostly consisted of some monkey-lovin' organs on misc. animals that were raw.  Well, raw meat (except sushi) is ewww.  Other than that, raised in a meat and potato's kind of family, with a bit of Japanese stepmother thrown in...and my constant need to experience life, food has been loved well by me.  I don't always call up some food when I'm sad, angry, depressed...Mostly, I think of food when I don't have anything else to do or when I'm into a really good book and they're eating something.  Food has been my pal.
We've gotten to the point where food has become my albatross.  I cannot break the friendship, I cannot let go.  I need help to cut the ties.  It's not a matter of the wrong foods, it's the food period.  I love the wrong food, don't get me wrong...but I love all the right foods too.  I don't mind waiting for my dessert.  I don't mind not having my dessert.
I'm scared for my health, I'm scared when I look in the mirror and I'm not sure where the other person attatched itself to me.  I'm really not that size, am I?  That can't be me?  Maybe I have layers on, maybe somehow, magically, a sweater is under this shirt...Are those my legs?  Am I retaining water?  50 gallons maybe?  And what is this tire around my middle?  Did my liver increase?  OMG, my kidney's are swollen and my bladder...no, no, I'm pregnant...I'm going to have quintuplets...and the reasons, the excuse, the disbelief rages on and on.  When did this happen to me?  It wasn't overnight, I know but seriously, I don't remember adding the pounds.  Does anyone?  
I've dieted over and over and have taken every pill I can find to stop the weight loss.  But food, it's been so good to me...it's so hard to just say, enough is enough.  
With this surgery, I finally know that I have the tool to get me to the plaee I want to be and the tool that will keep me there.  Essentially, the tool is surgery and the reason is me.  


About Me
Spokane, WA
Location
40.8
BMI
VSG
Surgery
02/08/2010
Surgery Date
May 15, 2007
Member Since

Friends 136

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