May 10, 2007 

Today, I am 6'1 and 368 pounds, I am usually described as a "big girl," or "alot of woman" I dont like being told either of these things, all though, I dont think I will ever be small considering I am just over six feet tall... Maybe when I loose weight, I wont be a "big girl" but more of a "tall girl." I could live with that.

So I have been researching Gastric Bypass since I was about 18, I am 24 now. I have been fat my whole life, you know, the type of fat girl that has "such a pretty face" and is "so beautiful on the inside." Thats great, I can live with that, but I dont like the feeling of half assed compliments, and I dont want to recieve them from anyone, anymore... I probably sound unhappy, or angry. Thats not the case, I have just been a fat girl now for an ungodly amount of time... I am ready for a new and healthier start to my life. For goodness sakes, Im not getting any younger, and with unhealthy weight comes health problems, pain, and eventually death. I dont want to die, and I sure as hell dont wanna be sick while I am alive. So this gastic bypass tool I have been reading about for the last 6 years is something I have come to fully understand, I am ready to have it, and use it correctly.

When I took the first step to get the surgery by going to the seminar, I didnt hear anything I hadnt already read, but I did get the honor of meeting some really cool people. There was this lady probably about 50 years old named Judy who lost something like 200 pounds. What a cool girl! She lit up the room when she came up to reasure us that this was a good idea. After that I went to the lobby, and I made my appointment with Dr. Troy Lamar for May 10, 2007, at 2:30pm.

After I made my appointment I got to talkin with Judy after she gave me some advice; to get a head start on the whole thing. I listened to her, took her card, and went home. I thought about what she had gone though, fighting with insurance to cover her bypass, getting surgury, and her postive lifestyle change. Judy said it was painful but worth it. Nothing for her was more painful than exsisting in that body. I believe her exact words were "Before I was just exsisting, now I am living..." I wanted to be like her, so I went ahead and scheduled a visit to my regular doctor, and physc evaluation, both appointments were on April 30th.

My doctor was all for the surgery, said he would write me a letter, or sign anything I needed him to put his name on. After this he sent me to the lab, I had my bloodwork done, and went on with my day... At 3:30pm I went to the shrink. Nice lady, had never seen a head doctor before. She asked me a bunch of questions, "are you happy?" "Do you ever hurt yourself?" "What are some risk-factors of the surgery?" yadda, yadda... I gladly answered and after an hour, she basically told me I wasnt crazy, and that she would approve me, and fax a letter over to Dr. Lamar, my bypass surgen.  

Now today is May 10, 2007 and in 5 hours I will be at my consultation.

Here goes nothin...

May 11, 2007 

So I went to my consultation yesterday. I got there at 2pm like they told me, they were running behind and wanted to reschedule.......... I looked at the girl and with out thinking I said "shit! Thats like canceling christmas!" I think I scared her cause she said I could wait if I wanted, so I did... I waited, and waited... and finally 2 hours later I saw the doctor. I probably should have rescheduled, but I had been looking forward to this appointment for so long, and I didnt want to go home crying... Eventually they called my name, and said "this way" I was taken to a room with a plus size chair, it was like an office chair with arms on it, but made for someone my size. I thought it was funny, it was not quite a love seat, and it was definetly not a regular chair... I sat in it, and it was comfortable... My butt fit right in, no squishing, it really was amazing!

I waited about 5 minuets and a nurse came in and weighed me. I hate being weighed, its like, hitting your funny bone, theres nothing funny about it... Then she took my blood pressure, it was normal 120 over 80... That lisinopril is working like a champ! We talked for a bit, and eventually our converstation ended with her telling me "dont worry, you're not the biggest Ive ever seen." That made me feel a little better...

My heart was racing when Dr. Lamar came in the room... I stood up and he shook my hand.

It was nice that he remembered me from the seminar. I did harass him a bit though... I told him that he was going to be cuttin me open soon, and he better not kill me... "cause if you do, remember this face, I will haunt you" he laughed and said that he would be careful and he was happy to be my doctor...

Soo now, we were in the room over a month later discussing my Gastric bypass.

After a bit of conversation he said "ok, I have too see your stomach, lay down" and he made me lift up my shirt!  Talk about embarassing!!!! Not only was i wearing granny panties, my jeans were not buttoned because they were too tight! I did not know he was gonna need to see my stomach.

I layed down and before I lifed my shirt I told him about my situation... he rolled his eyes and said he didnt care. And he really didnt... He felt my stomach, I sat up, and we basically recaped again what we had talked about at the seminar...

After I saw Dr. Lamar, I talked to a girl who wrote me out persciptions for the ultrasound, chest x ray, nurition class, that scope test, and Ekg... She told me that my insurance was really good, and that I probably would not have a wait peirod before surgery... So whenever I get all of my tests done, and we fax the stuff over, it takes only about 7 days to be approved. So late June seems to be when I will be having gastic bypass... That was all really good news! She also informed that i would have to talk to the nuritionist that was there to get get an idea of my eating habits, so I did...

So as of now I have scheduled all of my tests. The first 2 are scheduled may 22nd, and I have my last one on June 6th. After all that, we fax my stuff to blue cross, and wam bam thank you mamm, we see what happens...

Until next time...

May 12, 2007

I have to say, I am not going through this surgery alone... My family has been really supportive. I have two brothers, an older brother Nick 25, and a younger brother Dom 21. I also have a little  sister Talia, who is young, 16, but so smart and insightful, but not just for her age, she really just is... My mom and dad have been married for just about 30 years, and are the greatest. I mean we have our fights, and piss eachother off... but we love eachother. We are "rich in love" as my dad says.

No matter what diet I went on, or any crazy idea Ive had, they've been supportive... And no matter what weight I've been they've always been proud of me and told me I was beautiful. Even when I hated myself the most...

 When I first said I wanted weight loss surgery (march 07) I got concerned looks "are you sure?" my mom asked... "I have tried everything and I am desperate" I told her. She looked at my dad... 

My dad, was for it "You're the only Olivia I've got"  he wants me to be healthy and live a long time. My parents dont care how fat I am as long as Im healthy. We had never talked about taking such a drastic step, but I knew it was time to stop messing around. I couldnt pretend that no one saw how fat I was. I couldnt hide how unhealthy I was either. Truth is, I know my parents and siblings worried, but if they tried to talk to me about it I would just not hear them. I didnt need anyone to be worried about me, because I already hated and worried about myself enough. 

I have now come to hear that my parents privetly discussed weight loss surgery amongst themselves. They were trying to find a way to tell me about it without me getting defensive. They were worried it would hurt my feelings. Truth is, at the time if they had told me that they researched it to, I would have been hurt. I think that weight loss surgery is something that the person who needs it should research... They figured as much too, which is why they never told me.

My parents were suprised that I knew so much about it. The evening that we discussed surgery details, I told them about the seminar I asked if they wanted to come. They both were interested. My mom ending up coming with me, and my dad was out of town on business... 

After the seminar, and a scheduled appointment, I told my siblings about my choice... My sister said "this means next year we can share clothes." My brother Dom, was shocked, truth is I think hes happy about it. My weightloss goal is to weigh less than him, he weighs 204. Nick, he just kinda shrugged his shoulders... I think he worries that I dont have the self control... I'll show him!

I didnt want to write this story and take all the credit for the step I am taking. If it wasnt for my family, I really would not be able to do this...

Today is May 23, 2007, which means that yesterday I had my ultra sound and chest x-ray! My appointment was scheduled for 7:30am and I was late, I got there at 8am. Morning traffic is the worst! The radiology office staff were nice though and worked me in so I wouldnt have to reschedule. 

Never in my entire life did I ever think that I would be so excited to see doctors, and nurses. I use to dread going. Now Im like, "lets do this!"

When my name was called for my turn I got up and followed the lady through the door and into the ultra sound room. I was so relieved to find out that she was going to be doing the ultra sound and not the hot guy I saw working their eariler. I told her that too, and she laughed. She asked me if I was getting gastic bypass, and I told her yes. Turns out her sister had it like five months ago and has almost lost 80 pounds! She asked me why I was getting the surgery... I said "honestly?" she laughed and said "Yeah" So I told her "Men..." I was giggling then said "I want to be able to pull off at the marine base, and hear, Miss, why are you in a bikini, its raining outside!?! Gosh you look hot!" The tech laughed and asked me if I was serious... I told her I was joking, and that I was doing it for well first off Health reasons, clothing, and for men, sorta. I think she liked my honesty.

She eventually finished the ultra sound and told me to make sure and get at least one sexy shirt and make my way to vegas. I totally am going to take that advice.

Next I went to a small waiting room until I was called in for my chest x-ray. The girl that did the x-ray was kinda uptight, but nice enough. I had to put on a hospital gown, which sucked because my bra was too tight, easy to get off, but hard to get on.

The chest x-rays were done before I knew it. I got dressed, then made my merry way outta that place.

I got home at 10am, got my list and checked off two more completed tests.

Up next, June 6, 2007 Endoscopy, at 8:30am!

Until then...

May 27, 2007

Nutrition class...was scary. I now realize how little we eat. I mean i know we will still get to eat, but not for joy and not for comfort. This is why I am doing this, really. I can't be like this anymore. I am really scared that I will get depressed or something. My whole life food has been my best friend, it doesn't judge like everyone else. I guess when I am thin and healthy people won't judge me as harshly. I'm excited, but nervous because I am afraid of how people will treat me differently. Like when I walk into a store at the mall will the clerk actually ask me if I need help, or will I still feel unwelcome and out of place? How will I react when men look at me? Will men look at me? I wonder if I will get along with my older brother. He is the most judgemental person I have ever met and my weight has put a serious barrier on our relationship. He has never told me this but, his actions have.

There was a lady at the nutrition class who previously had the surgery in the early 90s, it was done way differently. During our break we got to talking and she told me her surgery changed her life so much that her marriage ended. she continued to say that even her family became distant. I took my dad with me to the class and when he heard her say that he could tell I got uncomfortable. He interrupted and said, "if anything this surgery will make us all closer.Our family is different." I knew that already but, it gave me comfort to be reassured. I was glad my dad was there. I know I am an adult, being 24 and all but, this is some serious stuff and I am glad I had a sidekick with me.

The teacher at the class was very nice and imformative if I had any concern or any question no matter how dumb, she answered it. She also showed us an example of how big our stomachs are and how big they are going to be. Shot glasses look a lot different to me now! We also sampled the protein supplements. Chocolate was okay, I believe it was "Dutch" Chocolate, it wasn't too bad but, I have no idea why they called it "Dutch." Vanilla I could just barf thinking about it and I do not wish to speak about it any longer. You'll thank me later...Banana Supreme, OH BANANA SUPREME, how I despise thee. It was however better than vanilla. I think I will just stick to Dutch Chocolate, it has never failed me before.

Overall I learned a lot and I am glad I went to this class, it was very reassuring. My dad took notes for me, which was awesome, and I met really nice people. Only two more tests to go! Endoscopy on Wednesday the 6th and I still have to schedule an EKG. After that the game is on!

Happy Memorial Day! 

May 31, 2007

I have edema. Water retention. This past sunday I looked down at my feet and they were soooo swollen! I had never seen anything like it. When I pressed on my skin it pushed in and stayed the shape of my fingerprint. I was so scared. I didnt know anything like that could happen to a person. I told my mom and she said it was probably edema. The sound of that word made me nervous, even though my mom said not worry. I didnt wanna rile myself up too much so I just put my feet up and hoped the swelling would go down. It went away a little bit by Tuesday but was still very present. I called my doctor, Dr. Manoogian and he said that I could come up and see him Wenesday. It was really cool that he could fit me into his schedule so soon. He is specializes in thyroid problems and Diabetes. He is a super busy and popular doctor. I have an non-fuctioning thyroid, but no diabetes thank god.

I got to the office right at 11:45am, I signed and 30 seconds later I got called into the room.

Dr. Manoogian came in and asked me how I was doing, I showed him my feet and he said "its edema, you're overweight, and when you loose weight it will almost be nonexsistant" This confused me because Ive been overweight forever and never ever had this problem. "well then you are eating to much salt" When he said that, I knew he was right. I ate soup just about everyday last week, and soup is loaded with salt. He told me to stay away from lots of saltly food. "I should be staying away from salty food anyway" I was thinking to myself. Im glad edema isnt life threatening.I was prepared to hear the worst. I am such a scardy cat when it comes to being sick.

We got to talkin about the surgery and he seemed just as excited about it as me! I told him that I only had two tests left and that I still needed to schedule an EKG. So he was like, "lets do the EKG right now." So we did. Dr. Manoogian called in a nurse she hooked me up before I knew it the test was over. Im not dying, and my heart looks good. Thats always exciting to hear. So now June 6th is offically my last last last test!!! I am so happy I could scream, or cry. This is really happening. I'm almost there.

I cant wait until I have a real surgery date!

June 6th please hurry up and get here!

 

June 4, 2007

I was bored today, so I called Dr. Lamar's office to make sure that all of the tests were in his office and looked good. I still have my last test on Wednesday, the Endoscopy, which I am really excited about. I found out some really good information while I was on the phone with the office. I was informed that they already submitted my case to insurance which is awesome because I thought I had to get all my tests completed before I could even try to get approved. Well guess what, I AM APPROVED! AHH! I am so excited. The girl I spoke to on the phone said that after my Endoscopy, Linda, the wonderful lady that schedules surgery dates, will be calling me. I am scheduling my surgery this week. It's really happening. I was also told that I should have already received my approval letter in the mail. I didn't get it until just now. The letter says... 

 "June 1, 2007

Dear Olivia,

As discussed, our office did a benefit check for you. The information is as follows:

Your insurance carrier is: Blue Cross PPO

Your deductible is: $100.00

Your insurance plan pays 90%

7-10 days before your surgery, you will meet with me one more time to go over your day before diet, your final weight check, set up your post op appointments, and answer any questions before surgery you may have. At this time we will collect the following fees.

Program Fee: $500

Coinsurance fee: $250

Total amount due: $750

Sincerely,

Linda"

 

750 dollars to freedom, thank you Blue Cross, thank you Linda, and thank you, thank you Dr. Lamar!


June 7, 2007

It's a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing and it's my little sister, Talia's, birthday, she's 17. When I asked her if it felt any different to be so old and she just shook her head and said "No I feel the same!" We laughed and I told her all birthdays are teases until you turn 21! After your 21st it's all down hill. We are going to sushi tonight at this little restaurant called Ichima. As far as I am concerned they have LA's best Japanese. I am trying to enjoy and savor every meal because before long I'll be making some serious lifestyle changes. I'M GONNA GET MY GRUB ON! I need to stuff my face tonight because by June 11th I will be on my pre-surgery liquid diet...YAY! 

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you about the endoscopy. The endoscopy was the one test I was most scared of because they put you to sleep for it. 
I got to the specialty surgery center at 8am signed in as usual, they called my name and I got into a hospital gown. I layed in the bed and a nurse gave me an IV, and hooked me up to the machine... Eventually I met the doctors, they rolled me to a room put me to sleep, and the rest was history. I guess when I woke up I asked for a hug... Thats funny cause I totally dont remember. 
After I found my barrings the doctor came into see me, and said that everything looked NORMAL!!!! He gave me pictures of my "insides" and said that we could proceed with the surgery as scheduled. Which leads me to tell you this...
JUNE 25, 2007 10am IS MY SURGERY!!! 
I have a real life date with destiny! June 11th I start my liquid and protein diet, and then 14 days later the beginning of my new life!

June 20, 2007

What a long day today! Life has been hectic and I have not had time to update this story like I should. Whatever... I am writing now.
I started my protein fast on June 11th and, I cant tell you enough how rough this has been! I have not cheated once, not once, I know I cant believe it either. So now I am at the end of my ninth day with no solid food. Amazing, I am so proud of myself, and suprisingly I feel energetic, and not that as hungry as I thought I would be. I do get very tempted to just taste one last peice of pizza, but I wont let myself.  I gotta admit it though the first 3 days were tough, I was an emotional mess. I even felt a little lonely. Who knew lack of food would make me feel lonely. It was like loosing a good friend, except I am happy to say goodbye even though its rough.

This last weekend I went to Oregon and marched in my graduation!! I was so nervous I would trip walking across the stage, but I did just fine. I had a party with my friends, and family. I didnt drink, and it was ok. Everyone was really cool with it. We all made the best of the situation and I was the DD. 
My family and I got home on Sunday, just in time to celebrate fathers day. My family ordered take-out, and I drank water. It was a bit uncomforable to not eat with them, but what else can I do. I will be so much happier when all this is said and done. 

Now today is Wednesday and I had my last doctors appointment until my big surgery. I signed a butt load of papers. I mean, A LOT! I got more blood drawn, and all that good stuff.  5 more days til surgery, its coming and I am scared, but ready for it. I hope that everything goes ok.   


June 25, 2007

Today is my surgery. I check in at 10am and my surgery is at 12pm. I am nervous, but everything will be ok...

June 30, 2007

I cant wait for the day when I can look down and not see a big huge discusting gut. I am now five days post op, and feel almost 100 percent better. The surgery was ok, I was in a lot of pain, I had to have 2 different painkillers. My doctor never even came to see me after the surgery. I got no reassurance. I felt really shafted. He could have at least poped his head in to say, "everything was great. See you at our next visit"
I am glad to be out of the hosptial, and the worst is over. I am still on a liquid protein diet, and I feel as if I will never eat again... I am hungry. Sometimes I feel like I was happier when I could eat whatever I wanted, but I know thats not the truth. Being fat doesnt fit me. I feel discouraged sometimes. I think about things like wow, its been 3 weeks and I have lost 36 pounds. Its amazing, thats a lot of weight to loose. I cant even tell. Its like barley a dent in my weight loss goal. If any normal person lost 36 pounds they would probably hear "wow, you need to eat something" I hear, "I can see it in your face liv" At least people notice right? I cant even tell if Ive lost anything... Sometimes I feel like the scale is lying. I have so far to go. I dont want to be fat! I wish that I didnt have this addiction to food. Its like heroin to me which is why I got this surgery. I couldnt stop eating. Isnt that embarassing that I admitted that. I couldnt help but enjoy food. I love it all, and I love trying it all. Food was social, it was fun. I never wanted to be this way. I feel scared of the unknown. Will I ever not be hungry? I havent eaten anything since June 11th. Its June 30th now. Will I ever eat again. I would settle for a grain of rice. I miss food. I dont want to eat a lot, I want to eat healthy. Will that stage ever come? This is so hard. Will this surgery actually work for me? I dont know if I will ever get rid of this weight. I am happy, but I am sad. I feel scared of everything, and kind of weak. I am in a total panic, and I wish I would get better. I wish I could fast forward the present and see my future. 


July 5, 2007

I weigh 322 pounds today. 22 more pounds and I am out of the 300's! I am down 2 sizes. I am going to the gym in a little bit, I dont like working out, but I will be damned if I am not going to make this apart of my life. I am going to vegas on Aug. 5th, and I want to be out of the 300s really bad, maybe I can get to 280, wouldnt that be something.
I have my doctors appointment on July 10th, I am excited and ready for the next step in the journey.


August 22, 2007

It has been way to long since I have last updated. 

I am out of the 300s!!!!!!!! As of today I weigh 289. The weight is not coming off as fast as I would like it to, but that is ok... As long as this funk comes off my body, I wont complain. So far I have lost a total of 79 pounds! Ha! Holy crap, one more pound until Ive lost 80 pounds! I didnt realize I was that close 80 pounds. So total weight loss since June 11th is 79 pounds!

Here are some photos of me at 368
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/CoolCatLiv/weight001.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/CoolCatLiv/weight002.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/CoolCatLiv/weight003.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/CoolCatLiv/cpks-045.gif 

I had a HUGE platue last month, I think I stayed at 322 for more than 2 weeks. Its not until recently have I really started to loose again. I cant tell you enough how much of an emotional struggle this has been. At times I have regretted this decision, but as of now, I wouldnt take it back for all the tea in china. It has been difficult for me to get down all my protein and water, even to this day. I am use to not eating, not eating is no longer a problem... If fact, I have to remind myself to eat! I never thought I'd see the day. I constantly forget to drink drink drink. My goal for this upcoming week is to drink as much as I possibly can.

About two weeks ago I went to Las Vegas... What a great place to go when you are just getting to eat again. Suprisingly it is not hard at all to find healthy food there. They have such a variety. 
I have to say, I miss drinking. I stayed sober the whole time. I know what you are thinking... SOBER IN VEGAS! (i didnt have a choice) I still had a blast drinking mocktails and dancing. For the first time ever I actually went in the pool at the hotel. My family goes every year to Vegas, and I never go to the pool. This year I did. I know I still have a long way to go, but FUCK, I wont be like this forever, so I dont care whos sees me, or makes fun. The way I look now, will not be how I look in a few months. 
Right now I am wearing about a 20/22 in jeans and an 18 in dresses. Not too bad. I use to barley fit in a size 28.

Pictures of me at 289
 
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/CoolCatLiv/Me041.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/CoolCatLiv/Me042.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/CoolCatLiv/Me043.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v713/CoolCatLiv/Me004.jpg

I can not wait to loose all this weight. Every day is a challege, but for once I really am winning. If it wasnt for this surgery I would never have achieved this success. It has been worth everything I have been through.

I gotta go, but I promise i will write more soon.

79 pounds down...
124 pounds to go.

August 23, 2007

So I've got to be honest here. I have been having a super hard time getting in all of my protein. I dont drink it all. The protein I do get in is strickly through the foods I eat. which isnt very much.  I am also having a hard time excersizing. I need to be better. Water is ok, I am doing pretty well with that, Vitamins, ok... But eating a good amount and protein... I am horrible. 

I need modivation to work out. Halloween is my favorite holiday, so what I am going to do is buy a costume and work my ass off to fit into it.

September 29, 2007 

I went on a blind date tonight, like a real date... He payed, and opened the door, it sucked. Someone from my work set us up and it was uncomfortable. Honestly, I was not attracted to his personality at all, and I know that he was not attracted to me, I could tell by the way he spoke, and looked at me. We were suppose to see a movie, and go to dinner. We saw a movie, and when it ended he lied and made up some weak sauce excuse to get out of dinner. Its not like I really wanted to go, its just I was willing to make the best of the situation and keep our plans, I didnt want to "make up something" so I could leave. That hurts feelings, you know? It makes me feel so ugly. This guy wanted to get away from me so bad that he lied to go home. I wasnt being weird, or rude. I was making conversation... We talked about sports, and the rally at angels stadium thats going on this monday... He actually did most of the talking.

I have a lot of fucked up body image issues right now. I know I do. I havent been on a date in years. The only men that tell me I am pretty are my dad and my brothers. I cant remember the last time I was validated by a man not apart of my family. I get shy with guys, I dont have a lot of experiance. 

I think that I am gonna make a shirt, a poster, and an over sized button that says the following so if I ever get set up again they can read this warning before going out with me...

I am SIX FEET TALL. I am not a petite girl. I have bigger bones and bigger feet... I am insecure, and I am trying my best not to be.
I use to be really fat, like over 300 pounds fat. I have lost 106 pounds. I am still a few pounds overweight, however, I am not even close to weighing as much as I use to. I am working really hard to lose the rest of this weight. I jog every day, and eat very healthy.  So please dont look at me like I am a slob.
I am a really nice person. I dont put on a front. I come from a great family, I am educated, have a car, and have a job.
The only issue I ever had with myself was my weight, and I am being proactive and getting healthy.

So now you know why I am single, its because I was fat. Now you know why I stiffen up when you touch me on or around my tummy, because I am use to it being gross. I am so use to being rejected by men. I am so use to just being the friend, "one of the guys." I dont want to be one of the guys anymore.  

Hows that for a disclaimer...

I wish I could meet someone that would just be patient with me, someone that would treat me like a lady.

September 30. 2007

I just finished jogging. I am feeling much better. I ran hard, and walked fast, about five miles. I did sit ups, lunges, and squats. I will be damned if I am going to let myself fall in to old habits ever again. I feel like I am not working hard enough. I feel crazy these days. Running seems to make it better, like I am getting farther away from my old self. One day I will be worlds away from the old me and act as if I was never fat. Maybe I will start to like what I see in the mirror.

When you are overweight you dont realize how fat you are. When you lose weight, the people around you definetly let you know how fat you were. Like they were waiting forever to tell you.
My friend gave me a compliment, he said "Wow Livvy, I dont even recognize you anymore, you look great..." then before I could say thank you he proceeds and says "you dont have that big old belly hanging out."  then he laughs, and I smile back and say thanks. I mean, what do you say to that?
Thanks for letting me know what you thought about me all those years.

I mean, you lose over 100 pounds, people are gonna notice. Compliments are nice, I like them.  I just wish people wouldnt tell me how fat I was before. Believe me, I already KNOW.  I live with myself, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

The worst part is, I am still overweight. I cant wait until the rest goes away. It will and I hope it happens fast.

Things will look up, and while I am waiting I am just gonna keep on jogging.

______________________________

I should probably update what my current weight is... I believe the last time I wrote was August 22 and I was 289. As of today September 30th, I am 262 pounds. I am wearing jeans size 18/20, and a shirt size 14/16. The weight is coming off slower than it use too. I have just started to excercise seriously and regularly. I have increased my eating to about 600-800 calories a day. I feel more energetic. 

I can not wait to get out of the 200s! I havent been under 200 pounds since the 7th grade. That is going to be a trip! only 62 more pounds to go and I am in the 100s!

Total weightloss to date: 106 pounds. Wooo, go me!

My goal weight is to weigh any where between 160-175. I hope I can make it there, actually, I know I can, and I will. I have to stay positive, cause lately I have been a downer. I

I am actually going to go to a support group tomorrow, I need a little extra kick in the ass. 

October 10, 2007

Today started out great! I got on the scale and weighed 258 pounds! I was on a huge platue (sp) I hadnt lost a pound in more than 10 days and I was like what the heck am I doing wrong! So since Sept 29 Ive only lost 5 pounds but I lost those 5 pounds in the last 2 days. Hopefully I will start to lose faster again, cause I hate platues, they scare me.

I just got into an argument with my brother Nick. God, he can be such an asshole. I was sitting on the couch about to make a phone call and he turns up the tv loud cause some song he really likes is playing. I was like "Nick, please turn that down, I am gonna make a phone call" he goes "You've been sitting there all day, you can get up and do it yourself"

In the mean while I am thinking, its my day off why does it matter what I have been doing all day?

I got up and left the room and made the call in the backyard.

When I came back Nick started bitching and moaning about how I needed to clean the house cause I am home. I was like, I cleaned it spotless yesterday, and none, NONE of the dishes are mine. One thing led to the other and we were full blown yelling at each other.

I called him a loser, which wasnt nice, because hes 25 and a valet driver who dropped out of college. So hes insecure. He hit be below the belt too. He said

"You are so fucking lazy cause you've been spoon fed your whole life. People always gave you special treatment because you were too fat to do anything. Now that you have lost weight you can get up off your fat ass and pick up like normal people do."

Even at my fattest I cleaned and was active, it wasnt easy for me, but I made an effort. He has no idea what it was like to be as big as I was. I mean I was almost 400 pounds! Well I was closer to 4 bills than I was to 3. People did treat me in a different way, but it wasnt nice I was discriminated against. Weight kept me from getting jobs I wanted, boys I liked, clothes(i still cant wear anything i want) He has no idea, no fucking idea. He acts like because I was as fat as I was I had it easier.

Hes the one thats had it easy. Hes buff and handsome. People do shit for him just cause hes "hot" Fuck him, he has no clue where I am coming from.

Nick use to act embarassed of me when I was 368lbs. I would meet his friends for the first time and they would be like, "I didnt know nick had another sister"

I am having a lot of body image issues right now, and maybe what he said shouldnt have effected me the way it did. But the look on his face, and the tone in his voice, god, he can be so awful.

I love my brother, and I would do anything for him if he needed me, but he is not my friend. I do not like him.

We have been going back and fourth with each other for so long I dont think we will beable to have a friendship. Thats sad.

October 23, 2009

Wow, oh wow, its been a long time since I have been on OH or written anything in here. I opened my mail and have gotten some really awesome emails from you ladies. I have tried to write a few of you back, and I will eventually get to all of them. 

I can not believe the rollercoster ride that my life has been over the last 2 years. I went from a size 28w/30w to about a 10 in regular sizes. I have lost all my sense of style (if  I ever had any to begin with) When you are a huggable girl there are only a few options to choose from... Torrid, and Layne Bryant. Those were the only 2 stores I ever knew how to shop at... To be helped by a sales person in Macys or Nordstrums still is intimidating to me. I want to laugh when they actually treat me like a human and offer me a dressing room.

2 years later keeping the weight off is still a struggle for me. The surgery did as much as it could, and now it is all up to me to have will power. It did train me to eat healthier, but I eat, and then 15 mins later, I know I am able to eat again. It takes self control, and I most definetly have days were I get out of control. I go up and down 10 pounds on the scale often. My lowest weight was 168, and in the last 6 months I have gotten to 185, and have found a happy medium at about 175.  I know I will never be obese again, but I will ALWAYS be ADDICTED to food. I am in control of my weight now.

Being a girl that is average weight is scary. People treat you so much differently. I noticed that not everyone you meet is nice. When I was 300+ pounds the only people I really socialized with were the ones that could see past my outter apperance. They were kind. Being the "norm" everyone who's anyone will talk to you, and that is a reality check. Its not a bad thing, it just takes getting use too...

I went through a period of depression during my weight loss. I am still coming out of it. At 175 I just dont recognize myself.  All I knew was life as a fat person. I was fat my whole life. I knew my place, and where I fit in. Being "normal" was culture shock. At the weight I am now some days I feel more insecure than I did when I was bigger...

Positives about being smaller are well, clothes, dating, and being able to wash my body and tie my shoes without breaking a sweat! Being healthy isnt half bad either ;)

As far as dating goes, it was weird to get hit on... I use to be flattered by every guy that gave me up down, it was so new... Now I know that most guys are perverts and its ok to pick and choose who I flirt back with because its not going to be the only time a man ever talks to me... When I was fat any attention from a man was few and far between (if ever). So the whole hitting on/going on dates thing was a big time learning process. at 24/25 I was at a 16 year old level. I had to get on my game really fast. I dated a few guys, had a couple boyfriends, and about 8 months ago met the love of my life a wonderful man named Eric. Eric and I met in Las Vegas, he is in the Airforce... We met at a lounge, and talked all night. I gave him my number and he just never stopped calling. He pursued me. Drove 300 miles every weekend to come visit me in california.

Eric was the first man I ever opened up to completely about my weight. When I dated before I always felt I had to hide my past cause I was so "ugly." I showed him pictures. He understood, and looked at me and said I was beautiful at my old weight. He has seen my extra skin, he has put his hands on my stomach looked me in the eyes and told me he thinks I am perfect. I've cried.

I wear spanx every day. My breasts are different sizes, they are deflated, saggy and wrinkely. My tummy hangs past my vagina, my butt sags, my thighs sag. Its just the way I am. I dont like to look at myself naked. I cover up a lot...

I worked out so much my skin could be worse. I have done everything I could possibly do to love myself, and be better. I am sorry I have all that skin, and I dont look like a normal girl, and sometimes I feel bad that I look this way for Eric. I have told him I am sorry, and he gets mad that I would ever apologize. He always says "Babe, you lost a lot of weight, I know you have skin. I love you, and you are beautiful" It is just so unconditional, it is hard to believe sometimes. I never in a million years thought someone could love me, or would love me. Since the surgery sometimes I forget that its not all about how I look. I am still Olivia. I am still a good person. I just look different.  You've got to ground yourself and not lose who you are.

Weight does not define you. I am still learning that. Love yourself now before you lose the weight, and you will fall inlove with yourself when its gone.

till next time...

Olivia. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Me
Location
46.2
BMI
RNY
Surgery
06/25/2007
Surgery Date
Apr 22, 2007
Member Since

Before & After
rollover to see after photo
320lbs

Friends 96

Latest Blog 6
ITs been TOOOO long!
Drunk as a skunk
Hiking
Ok, good news
Consultation!
new

×