Olivia L.

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july 10th! i am having a belt lipectomy. Pics to follow!

i remember this day two years ago like it was yesterday. i am so prieledged to be able to say i have had this surgery and i am working my ass off to get to my goal and just be happy. my next goal is to have my plastics done this winter. fingers crossed! i am doing alot of strength training now to get my body to be the best it can be before surgery.

www.livvysfitblog.tumblr.com 

so this month has been completely insane because i took a winter class which means fitting an entire semester into 11 days. I went to the gym for a week straight the first week of january, then i got overloaded with homework and havent gone in a week. I weigh myself about every 2 days and the scale is either not moving or going up 2-3lbs. but i have to keep telling myself that the actual number doesnt matter, its how i look and feel that is the important part. i think i have this unrealistic goal for myself because i forget that with my 6 foot frame, being 150 lbs isnt even a healthy goal. Right now i am gonna focus on losing 20 lbs by march. than another 20 by the end of the school year. that would put me at 200. i think that is reasonable. i just need to put in the effort.  

i haven't posted on here in a while because life has been completely insane and nothing is the same as it was since this past summer. Life took a turn for the worse with a death in my family over the summer and since then i have been hyper-focused on getting to my goal. 
I am currently a size 18 and 244 lbs at 5'11. i only just realized by updating my weight tracker that i am 15 lbs away from having lost 200 lbs from my highest weight back in 2009.  That being said, my mind is going crazy thinking about getting plastic surgery. Never in my life did i think i would ever need a tummy tuck or breast implants (which at this point are absolutely necessary). I can make myself look amazing in clothes but underneath its like a melted candle even with all the exercises i do there is absolutely nothing i can do about the sagging excess skin. It hinders my ability to be able to run as fast as i want and it's just not pleasant to look at. I am looking into getting a consultation after i get closer to my goal weight, so probably around early spring. 
In other news, my father just got RNY in October and he is doing well. I forgot how quickly the weight comes off in the beginning! I remember when i used to weigh more than him and i was disgusted in myself! now its the opposite but hes on his way to a healthier weight himself.

Anyway, i think i will start updating this more because i know it helped me a lot in the beginning of my journey almost three years ago. I finally look significantly different enough to upload some new pics! Take a look!

wow i cannot believe that  a year ago today i ad my surgery. it's bittersweet because i am still so far from where i need to be, that i get these overwhelming waves of depression and i just want to give up. i still have to lose 100 lbs to even be near my goal and not to mention the skin removal surgery i am going to need. i feel like i am right back where i started minus 130 lbs from my highest weight in 2009. there are weeks when i hit the gym every day and then i find myself not going for an entire month. i keep thinking to myself, what if, what if. what if i did what i was supposed and stuck to the diet, what would i look like now? it is so frustrating to be in this body. i look decent in clothes, but when I'm naked i look like a melted candle and i want nothing more than to crawl under the covers and not come out until I'm at my goal weight. i hate to sound depressing in all my blog entries, but this is what I'm feeling and i am sick of it.  I'm sick of the fat on my body being the one thing my life has always been all about. i have so many things i want to do and the fact that i am letting what i look like stop me, is mind blowing to me. i told myself that today, being the anniversary, i am going to lose the hundred pounds by the end of this year and have my skin removal by the end of next year. i am going away to college in the fall and i am going to be living on my own, with roommates of course, but it will be my first time doing this so i don't know how I'm going to workout or buy my food. so basically for the next two years i am supposed to be finishing college and be on my way to my goal weight. just typing that overwhelmed me. i want to do this in a healthy way and not starve myself on a ridiculous diet for a month then binge for twice as long like i am used to doing. so i started taking my vitamins again today and went for a walk. baby steps is where I'm at now, but eventually, I'm gonna get there.

 every month the 15th creeps up on me. i always remember at a random point during the day that another month has gone by and i am no where near where i should be. i am so disappointed in myself and i feel as though i have let everyone down. when i think about my diet now i am disgusted in myself. i havent seen my doctor or surgeon since september and i havent taken vitamins since october.  i wouldnt take back having this surgery at all, i would do it twenty more times, in fact i may have to. i dont know how much i weigh today, probably around 300, i was 368 on my surgery day on june 15th. i wonder what i would look like if i actually stuck to the proper post op diet and went to the gym everyday. guess i'll never know.

i was so busy today i did not even realize that today marks two months since i had RNY. I think the past two months have been like a trial and error time period for me, and now i am ready to kick things into high gear. With school starting in two weeks, i want to have a daily routine that includes the gym 6 days a week. i might try the whole going to the gym at 5 am thing. but only two days during the week. I also want to start eating organic but not vegetarian. Also, since i healed so fast and have not had any problems whatsoever, i have been able to eat more, which is actually not a good thing for me. i am not going to write down some of the things i tried, but they are the things that got me to 428 lbs. Old habits die hard. more like a slow, slow, painful death. I will never be back to where i was, and this coming year i am going to kick my own ass into the shape i was meant to be in. I just spent a bunch of money on new clothes, not necessarily smaller, but it feels so good to be able to go to a store and be able to pick out a size (albeit still a plus size) and hav eit fit comfortably. Target has this amazing new plus size line called pure plus and everything is so cute and i look really adorable in all the stuff! i am starting to realize the error of my ways and the future is looking brighter every day!

BTW: last august of 2009 i was 428, as of last friday, i am 100 lbs lighter!!!!!!! 

Hello OH! it's been a minute since i updated. I realize my last few posts have been quite the debbie downers, so this one is going to be the exact opposite. I realized a couple of days ago i have lost 100 lbs since my highest ever weight of 428 in august of 2009. WOW. 100 big ones! i cant really tell i have lost it, but the fact is that weight is gone. I am now 150 lbs from my goal weight. I will be so excited when i get on the scale and it says 299, then 250, then,220, then 199!!! i cant even begin to comprehend what i will look like then, but i might as well enjoy the journey, right?! I have started to actually take all my vitamins everyday and i have stopped drinking before, after, and during meals. Its only been 6 weeks since my surgery but it feels like its been months. I figured now is as good a time as any to get myself on track before the new school year because i  am going to be swamped this year. I am excited to get new clothes and possibly some new friends, of the opposite sex.... haha jk that wont come for a while i bet! One thing i still need to work on is getting all my protein in. i think i may only be getting about 30 grams in. i haven't had any protein supplement yet, mixing the powder with milk makes me nauseous. I drink the isopure from time to time, but its still not top notch taste. I think because i do not feel pain or feel weak, i think i am ok. But maybe my blood work will show other wise.

Well that's all for now. I'll update my weight officially on august 13th when i go in for another post op appointment!

So today is officially one month since my surgery. when i came home from the hospital i was 359, today i am 340. so not a huge difference but i am told i am not supposed to be losing that much in the first month. other than that, my eating has been horrendous. i have no clue how much protein i am getting and  basically eat apple sauce and soup and fruit. I knew i was going to do this to myself. i told myself that after i had the surgery i was gonna completely change my way of living and loose 200 lbs by my 1 year surgiversary.  obviously i am failing miserably at that. i am eating way to much and way too fast at every meal because i have no discomfort and no problems with my pouch. its as if my stomach is still the same size! I dont know what its going to take for me to realize this is my one chance. and on top of all this, i am constantly struggling with what to do with my future. i am going ot be graduating school with an associates degree in theater performance in may and i do not have any interest in going to a university for my bachelors. i just feel like an all around failure. 

i feel like my surgery didnt work. i am 11 days out from RNY and i can already eat pureed chicken salad and mashed potatoes. Am i eating too much already!?!? I have not started taking any vitamins because i haven't found one that tastes good and i know i am not getting enough protein.  I am becoming more and more depressed each day that this surgery is already a failure. Nothing i eat is making me sick and i can easily down a cup of pureed anything in less than a half hour.  What is the point if i am just going back to what made me obese in the first place? i'm all healed up so i have nothing holding me back from excercising it's just the nutrition part. I still have a depressing amount of weight to lose and at the rate i'm going now it seems like it will never happen.