on_mels_mind

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i have a pair of jeans. i bought them about 5 3/4 years ago. they still have the tag on them. i fell in love with them when i saw them. the biggest size they had was 12. i had just had my first child and was a size 22. before i got pregnant i had managed to get from a 20 down to a 14/16. i bought them anyway. i planned to fit into them. since then i have been a 22, a 20, a 24, pregnant twice, and currently a 26ish. i've moved 3 times since i bought them. i have packed and unpacked and repacked and unpacked... and i still have those jeans. they still have the tags on them. and i would still love to fit into them. but to be honest, even if they do never fit... i'd be just as happy to be a size 16 again. and just as happy to be able to walk into any store and know that they have something that will fit me.

I have started to cut down on what i eat, and be more aware of the food choices i make. i am not cutting anything out completely, but downsizing, and trying to choose healthier alternatives most of the time. it's a start.

i have also started a weight-loss journal, and filled many pages while trying to work out the thoughts that fill my head about this process. in it i am also keeping track of my food intake. today, i feel pretty good about it. and today, i have a goal. my goal today is to eat small portions every 2 hours thru the day instead of larger meals and random snacking. so far it's going good. yesterday was so-so. so today is better than yesterday. it's a start.

i am starting to feel more like i can do this than like i can't. and that's a good thing.

went for a walk around 2 blocks last night with my kids in the triple seat wagon. wish i could make it further. wasn't bad. not used to pulling that wagon tho. it's new. but again, fully around 2 blocks isn't too bad. could be worse. it's a start.

I have a feeling that surgery will be a cinch compared to trying to adapt my eatting habits before-hand. Maybe I am looking at it wrong, but I see surgery as the kick in the butt that I need to make sure that I follow the diets and start eatting right. When I mentioned that at my appointment with my nurse she told me that my desire to change should be the kick, and that I should change all my habits before surgery, not plan to do it after. I do plan to do it before, but it has to be gradual. I fail when I try to adapt all at once. I am not wanting to agree to surgery just to set myself up to fail before I even get a surgery date. I do want to change. I do want to lose weight. I should change my eatting habits... I don't want to. That's the difference. After surgery it will be that I have to, not want to. I have willpower issues. I need have to. Want to just doesn't motivate me enough. There is no severe or immediate consequence if I don't do what I want to. I want to adapt my eatting habits over time while preparing for surgery. Slowly. I have a lot of habits to lose. Snacking on the run. Skipping meals. Bad food choices. A love for rich creamy pasta. A carb obsession. An iced capp addiction - made with cream and the shot of chocolate syrup. If I have to give up too much at once I will fail. And giving up without a substitute in place ensures failure for me. I have tried. Many times. Am I looking at it all wrong? I need someone who has actually been in my shoes to tell me their opinion. I don't need a skinny nurse telling me that I am thinking about it all wrong. I want to lose weight. I want to keep it off. I want to not feel deprived. I want to be able to buy clothing at a regular store. I want to not be ashamed of how I look. I want to be able to fit thru the stupid metal posts at the exit of zellers without squeezing thru. I want to be able to fit past the person in front of me when the next cash opens up at a store and I get called to it. I want to be able to keep up with my children. I want to not always be the largest person in the room. I want to not be mistaken for being pregnant anymore. But I want... to have all that without giving up my bad eatting habits dammit!! *sigh*

I am a 29 year old mother of 3. My kids are 11 months, a couple days short of 2 years, and 5 1/2. I have been referred by request to the Bariatric Clinic in Windsor. I have attended the orientation seminar at Met, and have met with the nurse just last week at the clinic. This friday I meet with the doctor. Next sunday I have an appointment at the sleep clinic. Monday I will be getting my complete bloodwork, etc done, and going for my Upper GI. I am nervous about going thru with this, and a bit embarrassed. I am here to try to find others to talk to about the process. I want the truth about it all. I am a carb junkie, with an iced capp addiction, who is always busy and tends to snack on the go more than sitting down to eat. It will be a very hard trip. I want to know that I will be able to do it. I'm scared to put myself thru surgery and then not be able to break my bad habits for good.