Gain & Guilt Wont Stop Me??... Will it?

Jan 16, 2015

I know I have been doing poorly with my eating habits. I have changed a lot. That is for sure. My brain is working the right way but a lot of the time I get stuck in this, well I better eat it while I can deal. That gives me the worst guilt. I have decided not to feel guilty. That just makes me feel like crap and I am sick of feeling like crap. I know I can lose some weight but have come to terms with the fact that I am not getting the 10% off.

I have a lot to deal with right now. I am very worried that my husband's chemo treatments are going to interfere with my classes and or surgery. I feel like that is a selfish stance. But shouldn't I be worried about my health as well as his care? I have always been about taking care of my family and then the moment that I decide to be selfish and do this one thing for me, to change my life... I get the cancer news about him. Honestly, I feel like an ass hole for not just dropping out of the class last week when I found out. Funny thing was when I showed up, they said that I was somehow dropped. The teacher had to re-instate me. It was an accident. OR... Was it a sign? Part of me just don't want to give up right now. Is it so bad? I am so close. I graduate from class March 19th. Surgery to be 4-6 weeks after that. I have been in this thing for too long to give up now right? I just feel like its so wrong on so many levels. Now I have to think about how the hell I am going to take care of him with cancer side effects and still get my surgery. I will need healing time too. How F-ed is that! I am trying so hard and I am going to keep going to the classes. They say we have a year from the class to go forward with the surgery. I feel like if I wait, then I won't get it. I have worked hard for this and I set my accountability high. I told everyone. And now everyone is like, when is your surgery going to be scheduled. I have people waiting and watching and look where I landed. Tonight I planned a good meal and plan to hop on my stationary bike. I was on a roll and then as usual, shit go in the way. I guess I have to get used to that. I just have to remember to pick up where I left off, when that stuff happens. That has been hard for me. I keep saying, hop back on the wagon Jilly! And I think my wagon wheel is just about to fall off. 

Oh! I did start weening myself off the coffee. And I mean really! I started drinking hot tea with flavored cream. I know its not the best but I don't add sugar. Just sweet from the cream. That's a big step for me. I mean from venti white mochas with add shots 1-2 times a day. And it has been 2 months since I quit smoking. Except for the 3 drags I took the day i found out my husband had cancer. That really took away the cravings I was having completely. I needed to feel that nastyness in my lungs and the way it scratched. It wasn't the smooth inhale that I was used to. Until that day (last Monday) I was still craving them. So coffee and ciggs are out! I am getting there! Now ... One day at a time I guess. 

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