onlysunnydaysahead

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I came into this full forced and ready to kick some ass. I had surgery 5/12/15. I do not feel very confidant about my weightloss. People keep saying slow is better, I understand but also, I feel like a pre-failure because others with RNY and sleeve that had surgery around the same time, are pretty thin compared to me right now. Ands I don't know how hard they are trying. I mean, they eat pasta. I dont eat pasta! 

I Have a protein drink for breakfast 7am, I eat a small snack, 2oz protein pack around 9:30am, I have lunch, today was heart healthy cream of potato soup, another protein drink around 3, and small dinner, around 7. I drink a cup of tea around 8-9 pm. Maybe I am not eating slow enough. I still get sick if I eat too fast or something that dont agree. I do eat chicken. I just started to get more veggies in. But I feel like something is wrong. Oh and I wal or run 3 miles 4-5 times per week. And I stretch and use the resistance band and do small weigh lifting for my arms. I have only lost 55 pounds. From 248 to 194. Should I go back to start and go on liquids? Some days I feel amazing, today not so much. 

Thanks in advance for any help or kind words, advice, or similar expierences. 

PIC LINK:

Couldnt get it to embed. 

http://obesityhelp.com/members/onlysunnydaysahead/photos/900269/#photoviewer

Facebook Group for Slow Losers: 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1642807425970127/

I had my surgery 5/12/2015. I had minimal pain and walked a ton in the hospital. I walked when I got out. Last couple of days have been groggy so I did stationary bike inside 30 min a day at 6-7.6 miles. The first week I lost 13lbs. Well, that is including the fast. So without the fast I only lost 7. It feels like people lost a lot more than me on their first two weeks then had a stall later (the reg week 3 stall.) I am just now going on week three and I don't wanna deal with a stall for another week. It is discouraging. I am sticking to the plan. I was put on soft foods at 1 week out and stalled. Is that the issue? I hear a lot of people stay on liquids and pureed foods longer. I get my 1 whole Premier Protein in and have 2-3 two ounce meals per day. I am drinking 30-48oz water per day. I know I have this great tool and am eating way way less. How come I am not losing as fast as some others? I keep feeling like, as slow as the weight loss has been, and now being stalled that, if I wanted to lose only 7lbs, I could have just done it on my own. Why did I do this to myself if it is not working with me? That is my discouraged brain talking. The truth is, had I done it on my own, I wouldn't have the energy and drive that I do now. I would have eaten a bunch of junk by now. I am grateful that I didn't eat crap being sad over no weight loss for a week. That is what the old me would have done. And I know that I didn't do that because of my new tool. So in reality. It is doing it's job I guess. It is keeping me safe from myself. I just really want to see that darn scale move. I think I started my woman time already. I had it prior to surgery. And now I am having it again two weeks out from surgery. I wonder if that plays a part in the stall? Normally during this time, it would be a chocolate and sodium smorgasbord. The tool is helping me make better choices. It has to start to fall off soon. I ultimately know I made the best decision of my life. I just didn't expect a stall this soon. Wish me luck. 

I cried yesterday when they gave me my date. I was in hell waiting. I have so much going on with work and home. I deserve this. I am worth it. I am going to be awesome at this! I feel elated. I just can't really even explain how happy I am. I don't think I have ever waited for something that meant this much to me. The feeling of relief is amazing. All I really can keep saying is WOW! 

I am naturally a spazz when things don't go my way. Sounds bad, but I am actually a very good planner and that spazz in me is what keeps my life in order and makes it work. So I has my "last" class on 3/19/15. Actually, They day I had to meet with Dr. Ray (because I didn't lose my 10%, I also had the fittness test and met with the program director. She allowed me to be passed through without having to make up my final class. Very special circumstances. I got my referral and had my 3 appointments with Pacific Bariatric and met with Dr. Rumsey on 4/22. That was a big deal. But now, 5/4, I am freaking out because they haven't released my chart as approved. I know it will come soon. I just can't help to keep going into these crazy mood swings every day. I have never felt my Bi-Polar being so IN YOUR FACE out in the open before. This is very hard. Almost all of my class has either had surgery or has their date already. I was hoping to have my date for sometime this month. I am very discouraged. I know there are a lot of people whos charts got released to Pacific Bariatric when our class did. And I can't help but feel like mine got lost in the stack. I called again today and they said to call back tmrw. They are very nice and helpful. It's just that, given everything I am going through, I thought I would be pushed along a little better than I have been through them. I know they are busy, But I have been working for this for almost a year. In June, It will be my 1 year since I started this Journey. I know they told me it would be that long, I just do not understand why I am so emotional. It is so close, yet feel so far. I wonder if everyone feels this tipsy turvey when they are in limbo. I am going to sign up for Kaiser stress management group. I need to handle this better. Or maybe its all natural and normal. I wish me luck for tmrw. I need this. I deserve this. It's my time. I have been stuck in my head since December. My husband is getting better from the cancer treatments, and my daughter is bored of the house, I want us to both be feeling good so we can go back to being awesome fun energetic parents again. I miss feeling good about myself and my life. I am so sick of being stuffed in this fat suit and hiding from the world. I know there is a fun loving girl just erking to get out. All that was sparatic, welcome to the mind of a fat bi-polar girl. 

I haven't blogged in a while. Life got the best of me. I am counting down these classes like days in a plague! I can not friggin wait to be done and starting other appointments. I did have a hiccup and I will be graduating 4 days behind my class. I had to switch groups for the last 4 classes. Usually this is not allowed. I did have special circumstances and am so lucky to have has the positive choice center there to help be get figured out. My classes were on Thursdays. My husband starts radiation and chemotherapy this Wednesday. Well starts radiation wed and that's every day and chemo Thursday and that's once per week. See, when I signed up for these classes they were very firm in me understanding that I had to be available for the whole 24 weeks and no shenanigans. No switching and nothing in that range. If I miss 5 classes I get dropped. Even if I make them up. On number 5 I get dropped. So I vowed with my soul to never be late or miss a date. And I did miss one. It was for a Christmas concert that my daughter was in at her school. And I made that up by going to 2 classes in one day.

As time went on, I knew I was going to have to keep trucking. I knew that the treatment for my husband was coming soon. I went to orientation for this in July of last year. I started classes in October. We started dr's appointments for my husband in November. We found out he had cancer in January. We were told the landlord wanted to raise the rent $500 in the start of February. We moved this past weekend and his Uncle also past away this past weekend. Somewhere in there a ton of other stuff happened too but that was just a lil time line on the stupid black cloud we have over our heads. So finally with insurance approval we are to start his treatment this week. I am hopeful that the worst has passed. He is going to feel so crappy during the next month and a half. And I only have 4 classes left. I am grateful that a non family member was willing to jump in and help for the next 4 Mondays I have class.

We have a 5 year old daughter and I would have felt terrible trying to leave her with him after treatment just because I am fat and need help. With everything that has gone on with him, It makes me feel like I am being stupid perusing this. I am at constant battle with myself. I have actually gained 15lbs since I started this. So much for losing that 10%. I already feel like a failure. BUT BUT BUT. I felt like dropping out a while ago and I kept going. No matter how bad I felt I kept going. I have changed my diet a but and the portions and mainly the sweets are whats eating me. HAHAHA Eating ME! Ok dumb joke . I also quit smoking.

Anyway I am about about to be done. How exciting! And the way I have this calculated, my surgery should be scheduled right after he is done with his treatment. That's more exciting! No conflicts! As he is getting better, I will be getting better. I finally feel like this cloud may be moving on. I hope everything turns out. If everything goes right, My surgery will be in about 8-10weeks. I am going to have to be pushing out all those positive vibes! And I really need some coming our way! 4 Months from now, Everything will be OK right?!?! And we will end this year with a bang! 

I know I have been doing poorly with my eating habits. I have changed a lot. That is for sure. My brain is working the right way but a lot of the time I get stuck in this, well I better eat it while I can deal. That gives me the worst guilt. I have decided not to feel guilty. That just makes me feel like crap and I am sick of feeling like crap. I know I can lose some weight but have come to terms with the fact that I am not getting the 10% off.

I have a lot to deal with right now. I am very worried that my husband's chemo treatments are going to interfere with my classes and or surgery. I feel like that is a selfish stance. But shouldn't I be worried about my health as well as his care? I have always been about taking care of my family and then the moment that I decide to be selfish and do this one thing for me, to change my life... I get the cancer news about him. Honestly, I feel like an ass hole for not just dropping out of the class last week when I found out. Funny thing was when I showed up, they said that I was somehow dropped. The teacher had to re-instate me. It was an accident. OR... Was it a sign? Part of me just don't want to give up right now. Is it so bad? I am so close. I graduate from class March 19th. Surgery to be 4-6 weeks after that. I have been in this thing for too long to give up now right? I just feel like its so wrong on so many levels. Now I have to think about how the hell I am going to take care of him with cancer side effects and still get my surgery. I will need healing time too. How F-ed is that! I am trying so hard and I am going to keep going to the classes. They say we have a year from the class to go forward with the surgery. I feel like if I wait, then I won't get it. I have worked hard for this and I set my accountability high. I told everyone. And now everyone is like, when is your surgery going to be scheduled. I have people waiting and watching and look where I landed. Tonight I planned a good meal and plan to hop on my stationary bike. I was on a roll and then as usual, shit go in the way. I guess I have to get used to that. I just have to remember to pick up where I left off, when that stuff happens. That has been hard for me. I keep saying, hop back on the wagon Jilly! And I think my wagon wheel is just about to fall off. 

Oh! I did start weening myself off the coffee. And I mean really! I started drinking hot tea with flavored cream. I know its not the best but I don't add sugar. Just sweet from the cream. That's a big step for me. I mean from venti white mochas with add shots 1-2 times a day. And it has been 2 months since I quit smoking. Except for the 3 drags I took the day i found out my husband had cancer. That really took away the cravings I was having completely. I needed to feel that nastyness in my lungs and the way it scratched. It wasn't the smooth inhale that I was used to. Until that day (last Monday) I was still craving them. So coffee and ciggs are out! I am getting there! Now ... One day at a time I guess. 

I know that now more than ever I need to get in gear. A lot of the time I am taken by triggers. Little things. And then I get going. I swear my life revolves around triggers. Last night at group I heard someone ask another if they were practicing chewing. It is not that I hadn't thought about this before but for some reason last night it hit me. I am well aware that I take big bites and stuff myself like a thanksgiving turkey. Well today I put a timer on my phone when I drank my shake. And again when I ate my granola bar. I am super fascinated that it helps to go slower and chew a lot. Someone had brought in mini cinnamon rolls. So that's perfect right! Fits right in this pie hole here! And it's small so it's fine! Yeah um... no! That's what I would normally say and then 5 of them later I would be feeling guilty. So when I passed the rolls for the 3rd time today, what went through my head was, F THAT! It is too much work to set a timer and chew all that bread. Good for me! I think this is going to be a good lil trick. I think I can get used to this timer thing until it becomes habit. 

In November I got a kidney stone, then Thanksgiving happened, then daughters birthday, then passed the kidney stone then Christmas Then a 2 week vacation to Oregon. I had a lot going on and somehow didn't care about me for a bit. I wanted to care. I kept telling myself tomorrow I will do better, same old excuses. Somehow being busy and on vacation gave me a case of the F-Its.

I just had a serious wake up call.

I am pre-disposed to diabetes, heart disease, sleep apnea, breast cancer, arthritis and more. I am doing this surgery to get healthy. I started this roller coaster in June 2014. I started my classes in October. I feel like this has been my worst crash diet yet. Funny thing is, I am changing things. I just can't seem to be consistent. Having to log and pay attention to every bite has made me loose my shit more than once a week and I am beating myself up worse now than I ever did before this started. I think maybe that could be because it took me a while to know, actually be fully aware of how big I was. I usta eat and say to myself "oh I'm not that big." That was bull shit. I was bull shitting myself. Now I pay attention and I know what I am doing and it is hard. On one hand, I am so glad I am becoming aware of my habits and am looking forward to a brighter future. On the other hand, I have gained because of it.

Here is the big kicker. My husband just got the news from a biopsy that he has cancer. Shit just got real. I know there is a lot of successful treatment out there and we don't know how bad it is or anything until they can do a PET scan done. (waiting on apt to open) But no matter what the positive side is, it is still happening and we still have to deal with it. This makes me want to try harder at this 10% weight loss. I have 71 days to loose my weight. I have to loose it to ensure the fastest route to a surgery date and a to ensure a fast recovery so I can be healthy for whatever comes up in the next year. I am freaking scared. I know now how important my health is now, not that I didn't before but, my husband and I have a 5 year old daughter. We need to live long and be a healthy family. I am hoping for some luck here. We desperately need it. 

I just had to do this! Jenna I hope you are paying attention! Our class teacher is very accepting of us but also sometimes is rudely blunt and gets a little upset at the constant joking going on. Who's bringing the cake, Where is the closest fast food joint, the best foods are the ones that grow ... like hamburger trees...etc.  

One of the small topics at the last week class was almonds. The serving size of almonds are 9. Click for calories and nutrition sheet. Who the (F) eats 9 almonds with satisfaction and reduces hunger? Seriously? This was the biggest lie I ever heard. Someone was like take 20 minutes to eat them and drink some water then you will see. Most of us weigh over 250 pounds. This almond thing is soooo not happening!

OK, so here we go! You are pre-surgery, accustomed to eating more than that. You grab 9 almonds and some water. Realistically, it is going to take you about 5 minutes to eat them. And you drank some water. Sure. If you haven't eaten and you are hungry, you will fail. This works as part of a well rounded snack. Maybe you want to eat a string cheese and 3-4 crackers with peanut butter. Now that is an acceptable snack, healthy and you wont be hungry for a couple of hours and your calorie count is low.

The teacher did nod when someone suggested the water. Am I the only one who picked up on the fact that you can not drink water while eating after the surgery? I am reading, writing, participating, absorbing every piece of knowledge I can in order to not fail my surgery. NO water while eating. Practice now people!

I know where my actual hunger line stands as of now, compared to where it will be after the surgery. I know others are in my position. I understand that we all got here somehow. I also understand that 9 almonds is a joke!!! Everything has to be well rounded or else you are going to want to give up. The small changes you make now will make a difference. And the difference is, don't eat a bag of almonds. Incorporate 9 into your snack or meal. If you try and get by with eating 9 almonds... you are going to wind up at the local taco shop. Speaking of... I am getting pretty hungry... Just kidding. Lmao! I am going to subway :) (See... we all joke too much!)

Now, for the part about the laugh. I know we kind of get in trouble for laughing and joking about food. I get the impression by the rude in your face remarks that the teacher has the impression that we don't care and will fail. That we are not taking this seriously. The fact of the matter is, we are here because we finally came to terms with the fact that we need help. We are sick and tired of being sick and tired. We couldn't do this on our own. We reached out and said enough is enough, and want to feel that way about food... enough is enough.

We are sick of feeling shame and embarrassment (from everyone and ourselves). We have been self shaming and hiding in our sorrow and eating more. We are fully awake now. So why not laugh. Take the things that make us sad and eat, and turn it around, make fun of it. It is kind of like falling on your ass in the middle of a crowd. Wasn't funny at the time... but give it some time and look back... now you can laugh. Comedians make most of their jokes about reality and that is what makes you laugh the most. The truth hurts.. but can also set you free with laughter. So I personally feel like we are all coming to terms with our past habits, and are past it. Now we can make some light of a bad situation. I really just keep learning and preparing my brain for the future. I read all of the time. I take it all in and am just living for the moment that I can really start living again. VIVA WLS! 

I have class today. I am pretty sure I gained. I have stayed away from the scale just because I am afraid to look. I know there are a ton of excuses that I could use but the fact is... I could have eaten better despite my kidney stone and being the one whom was hosting the holiday. I kept saying, I am in too much pain to shop for myself. I realized that I still could have tended to my body better. Instead I was more worried about giving my family the classic Thanksgiving while maintaining my pain with the kidney stone. I was in the ER for pain 4 times During the week of Thanksgiving. I made it through the day baring my happy face and was riving in pain as soon as the dinner was done. I seriously ate whatever was there because I had no umph to do anything other than eat and be in bed. The stone has moved from my kidney to my bladder (I think) and this is week 2. It has been really crapy. I am going back on the wagon since my pain level is down. And I will start moving again. I did make it to the Pacific Bariatric Seminar. I am very glad I went to that. I am more inclined to think I wont be denied due to weight and not being able to loose my 10% but I will be damned if I don't try right! I am glad I had a minute to get back on here for a quick blog. I really am dreading my arched enemy the scale at class tonight!