Amanda M.

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So I am only a few days into my pre op liquid diet. I knew it was going to be hard, challenge me, and probably leave me so hungry I get pissed. Well,in two days I have definitely experienced being hangry (so hungry I am angry). I broke down and had some chilli tonight. This is where a lot of people say they feel like a failure. I don't. I didn't fail. I listened to my body and knew if I did not eat, I could become ill. But I am worried about my ability to adhere to a restricted diet for the rest of my life. I know post op it will be easier than now. But this liquid diet is reeeeally playing with my head. I am going to call and talk to my surgeon's office tomorrow and find out if there is anything to help the hunger. Maybe I need more shakes, I don't know. But I have lost over 7 pounds in 2 days. I feel pretty good about that. I had my husband take before pictures of me tonight. Gah! Talk about depressing. Flabby butt, saddle bags, batwings, saggy boobs, turkey neck, double chin....but beyond that, I saw sorrow. And fear. I am never in pictures. Ever. I hate seeing myself. I have that belief that if I don't see it, no one else can either. Yeeeeaaah...how's that working for me? I am off for my last shake of the day. Mmmm mmmm...

Last Friday I found out my appeal went through and my insurance company overturned their denial. I was so excited!!! I called up the insurance handler at my surgeon's office and she got me into see my surgeon for my pre-op consultation right away this Monday. I scheduled my surgery for December 21, first surgery of the day! I feel so impatient, but yet completely calm at the same time. I am excited and scared and 76 other things all at once. 

Now that the surgery is scheduled, it feels more real to me. I am starting to feel a bit nervous and scared. Not so much that I can't give up the food or whatever, but I am just worried that I will be one of the people that has a miserable life afterward. I have this fear that if I don't sit or walk in a certain way, or if I jump or do anything active, my body will just open up and my intestines will fall out! LOL. I know it is ridiculous. But I feel like I should baby my incisions, internal too, after surgery forever and ever. It's just a really extreme surgery and that is kind of scary to me. 

I also worry about what my husband is going to think. I am scared he will be grossed out by me. What if I vomit a lot? What if I have a lot of excess skin? What if I have stretch marks (even worse)? What if all my hair falls out? Will he still love me? Or on the other hand...what if I lose weight and look fantastic...will he get jealous, or uneasy with my new appearance? Will he feel forgotten, since we often had pig out sessions together? Eating was a common bond we had, sadly, and I worry that he will have resentment towards me. And what if he seems more interested in me? What if he pays more attention to me and compliments me more? How will I feel? I sometimes worry that he will see me smaller and think that I look so much better. And since I have always been obese with him, it might make me feel like he never liked me the way I am now or that he always wanted something better. 

Anyone else have these really intense thoughts after getting a surgery date? Or am I nutty?