pearl768

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I know I haven't been around in a bit. Yes I've been avoiding my page for a reason. I have to finally deal with the truth....surgery did not cure my mental sickness.
Having the surgery was just a quick solution to a small issue. 

I Kendra am a over eater, and having surgery did not cure me of my demons.
Looking at my before pics. you would say I have come a long way and some would say having surgery worked. But it didn't cure me of wanting and loving to eat.   I think about  food all the time. Yet I can't eat half of anything, how sad. 
I started this journey at 414 pounds went down to 265. WOW! Just looking at that number makes me sad.  But now after 2yrs I am 292 as of last week. And I can only blame myself! I have returned to most of my old eating habits, well not the same size portions, but the same foods.  (when dumping doesn't stop me) I haven't exercise consistently in over a year. Protein shakes and vitamins are none existent. I haven't seen my surgeon in a year as well.
 How did I let this happen??? How did I get so comfortable that I felt I am done; far from it!

Now with all this being said...Finally!
I haven't given up hope I know that with a change in diet, exercise and getting back on my protein and vitamins. I will kick my weight lost back in gear and meet my goal of 180Pd. But will that really cure my mental sickness to food. NOT!.  I now realize that just like a addict on drugs I am an addict to food and I need help. I can't do this by myself.  It's time to get into group therapy for over eaters. I have to change my way of thinking, I now see that this is an internal demons. Getting the physical stuff out of the way is easy, dealing with my views on food is the hard part.  I hoard food although I know I can't eat it. Why do I do this is my question, because in the end it all goes to waste.
So yes I may reach my goal one day of 180Pd but will I ever look at food differently.
Eat to live not live to eat!!???

This has been quite and journey.
I could have never imagine that I would be size 22/24 and about to be divorce. I'm not complaining, just a bit caught in my memories.  2009 was the best and the worst for me, but I thank God for helping me overcome all of my trails and yes there were many.
Losing all this weight has truly transformed me, I have found that person inside of me, that I never knew and now love.
For anyone going threw this process, post-opt and your going threw a divorce. Don't blame yourself, it was not the surgery that changed the relationship..... the relationship was already in trouble.  WLS, just gave you the confidence to see things as they are and too now have the courage to leave.
Also, take things sloooooooooooow; as to starting a new relationship.  Your feelings have a way of changing quickly and you won't have time for BS.
My confidence level is so high right now that I don't have time for someone else's insecurities. It's so funny how when we lose weight others now have a negative image of themselves.  WOW it took me losing a whole a person for you to see that you now have body issues. But when I was 414 pds. you were on top  and never thought the tables would turn.
Oh well, to bad so sad.
I am still in the fight for my life. Getting back to the gym and eating properly is still a struggle. But WLS has giving me the tools to fight the good fight. My goal is still 180 pds. I'm 284 pds now but I'm giving myself until Dec to get to 200 pds.
I will say, I'm sorry that I never stuck with my surgeons plans; as to my weight lose process. I know I would be further along if I stuck with his instruction. The good thing is that, it's not until the fight lady sings, and that heffa ain't singing in my life.

For those of you just starting this process. Yes it is a journey and yes you will  have to put in alot of work on your own, but the risk and payoff is soooooooooooooo worth it.
Living my life for me!!!

 Today I am 1 year out.
Dec 30, 2008 is a day I will never forget and that has changed my Life forever. I was 414 pds and dying slowly. I thank God everyday for a second chance at life.  I am now 284 pds.....I lost a whole person. "Fat girl Kendra" LOL
Losing 130pds is so exciting and yet so nerve recking because now I have to work hard to lose the rest of the weight, but I now see what the all the risk of surgery was for. I am " Living My Life Like It's Golden"

WOW I feel like those 100lbs flew by without trying, but now the work begins. It is so true what people say about working your tool. WLS is not a quick fix and you have to eat right and exercise, something I have not been doing for the last 3 1/2 months. I let life get the best of me. (Personal issues at home) But, I'm now back at work and all is right with the world.
 
I'm back on the treadmill and loving it, I even started running....a first for me and I liked it. I wish I would have kept up my routine during the summer break. I would have lost those 100lbs 3 months ago. (Oh Well) .  Looking forward to the new year coming. I would like to be a size 18 for my surgery-anniversary. Yeah lots a work to do.
I haven't seen my nutritionist since surgery and I haven't been to a group meeting.....Yes bad pearl!
All of this will change once I get my new car in 2 months, can't wait.  Planning on getting a personal trainer who can kick my butt and make me do what I know I can do.
Eating habits have increase which is to be expected at this stage of the game, just need to continue making sure that the right foods are in my house so that  my old eating habits don't return. My biggest down fall is not planning my meals. I notice that when I plan my meals, my day goes smoother. I have to have snacks and water on my at all times. 8 months out and I still have to eat every 3 hours or I get this starving feeling.

 I have been able to eat  some sugary items and  It's so funny how sugar now effects me now. 
There are times if I get something too sweet or drink something full of sugar, I get the (drops). For those of you who don't know what the drops are it's a sleeping disorder that some people have, where they fall asleep at any given moment.  My family just laughs at me, and it happens so quickly. With in 5 mins of finishing my sugary food or drink........bam it hits me. My eyes get heavy and I started yawning. Then just have to lay down for 5 to 10 mins until it passes.

So, now sweets are limited, if any. I am now reading labels as a should and I'm picking about what goes in mouth......ain't that a trip, me pick about food     But it's true, milk has been cut out of my diet all together. I wasn't sure what was making me sick, the cereal or the milk. Changed up on cereal and got the healthy stuff, but yet was still getting sick. So i haven't had milk for 3 months and I don't miss it.  I can eat yogurt with no problem... eat it about everyday.
I eat ice cream here and there, but it has to be a 100 calorie ice cream like "Slim Cow" or "Klondike" who has a wonder 100 calories ice cream ( much cheaper)  
 It's funny now how I grocery shop, my cart is full of vegetables and fruit. 
People look at me like yeah right , she really eating all of that. I just laugh because I know the changes I made and the changes that still need to be made. Don't get me wrong, ya girl eats crap that I don't need to be eating , and please believe I pay for it.  ( still dumping every now and then)
 but I know how to correct my mistakes and move on from there. I don't wallow in my mistakes, which use to be my down fall. 

All and All I thank God for giving my this opportunity at a second chance at life.  I look forward to my future now!!!!

Not much to say a little disappointed in myself I've been struggling financially this summer  money is really  tight, so because of my financial struggles I have gotten relaxed in my journey. But I haven't given up because the journey has just begun.  I've started eating little things here and there....and yes I haven't exercised this summer. It's been 3 months  I soooooooooooo miss the treadmill at work. I haven't  reached my goal of losing 100 lbs  yes yes yes....I know I know it's my fault. Please I''m not looking for sympathy. Just sharing my journey.   I can't see myself walking around my neighborhood. Can't wait until I return to work next month. Back on the train.  Other than all my down falls, I'm still losing slooowly. If anything I pray that the Lord motivates me to break out my shell and walk around my neighborhood.

Pearl being Real with myself!!

I was looking at my post from last month and looking at how far I've come. I am now weighing 324, now if I can get to 300lbs by the end of the month....LOL Yes lots of work ahead. I'm still struggling with my water intake, along with my protein and vitamins. I know, I need to do better and I will it's a daily process. I'm just looking forwad to the future. I finally had my first WOW moment last month. This big girl has never shopped in Ross, and last month I went in Ross just messing around with my sister and ended up finding some clothes that fit me. My sister and I were screaming in the fitting room, I couldn't believe it. I went from a 36 top and bottom, to a 22/24 top and a 28 bottom and I even went down 5 bra sizes. I was tripping so hard that I had the cart full of clothing. Thank god my sister was there to calm me down. I can't wait until my first year and plastic surgery. Ya girl is about to get her workout on for real.

This trip is getting better and tougher. I am now 341, 73lbs gone for ever. I thank God everyday for life, health and strength. I feel great, have tons of energy and the sex life is off the chain .
Now here is my confession.
I have not been faithfully drinking my protein shakes, I wasn't taking my vitamins on a regular basis and I was only exercising 2 days a week for 30 min-1 hour.
Yes, I was eating bread. Not alot just enough to taste it, but those days are over.
I am shutting the fat chick out, she has tried to come back slowly but I know her tricks and honey tricks are for kids.
Here is my new plan.
First, start planning my meals daily or weekly. Second, no more unhealthy snacks in my home. When I go grocery shopping I will read labels. (just because it say's fat free or sugar free, doesn't mean it's good for you). I ordered my Syntrax Nectar protein jug on yesterday, so I will start taking protein everyday along with my vitamins. Third, I will exercise 5 days a week for 30 min. I have already started and it's going good. 

THE TIME IS REALLY FLYING AND I'M ENJOYING THIS PROCESS. I'VE LOST AS OF TODAY; A TOTAL OF 62BLS .
I AM LEARNING MY BODY AND LISTENING TO IT. OK THIS MAY SOUND STRANGE BUT, I AM LISTENING WHEN IT SAYS I'M FULL AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH. SOMETHING I NEVER DID IN  THE PAST.
I STILL HAVE ISSUES WITH PROTEIN, BUT I'M WORKING ON IT DAILY AND DRINKING MORE AND MORE WATER EACH DAY. I TRY TO EXERCISE AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK AND YES I SLACK OFF SOMETIMES, AND I MAY WORKOUT 2 DAYS A WEEK. BUT THE GREAT THING ABOUT THIS PROCESS IS THAT, IT'S A LIFE STYLE CHANGE, NOT A QUICK FIX. SO, NOW I DON'T GET DISCOURAGE AND DEPRESS. I JUST GET BACK IN LINE AND START OVER. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.  PROTEIN, VITAMINS AND EXERCISE. 
AN I'M ECSTATIC WITH MYSELF. IT MY TIME TO LIVE. 
GOOOOOOOOOOOO ME!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

50 pounds gone forever. I feel like a fat kid in a candy store. LOL
I had my 2 month dr. appt today and I am doing GREAT. As far a he knows. 
I have to start taking my protein. I threw both jugs of  power protein in the garbage, that crap is HOOOOOORRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEE.
So, starting this weekend.  I'm going to buy the isopure drink, I like those. I have take some new pills for my gall bladder. It's some type of preventation, so that I won't get gall stones. (hey what ever works).
I haven't worked out in 2 weeks. Not sure what's up with that. I got to get back in the grove of things.........I know me......If I don't start moving soon, it's a rap.
Monday new start. My short term goal is 100 in 5 months.  I give myself till the end of May, so you know what that means. 
IT'S ON AND POPPIN.  LOL