peeweemom

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One year ago today I weighed 381.2 pounds.
Today I weigh 242.6, yeah!
What will I weigh next year on this date?

Less than two weeks away!  I am so calm and happy about this decision.  I am so miserable being this fat.  I can barely move, walking is pure hell and don't even get me started about any stairs.  I am slowly dying but will begin living as soon as this weight comes off. 

Today I saw the psychologist.  It went quickly, maybe 20 minutes.  He was calm and kind and looked me straight in the eyes.  He wanted to know when I started to gain weight, or when I realized I had a weight problem.  My support group and depression were the other topics we discussed.  He wanted to make sure that I knew about the surgical procedure. 
I start my classes on September 2, 2009.  They last 6 weeks, then I see the psychologist again and get a surgical date.  Two weeks later there are nutrition classes and then I wait until my surgery date.  I wonder when it will be!  I can't wait.  Life is sweet.  I am so grateful for this opportunity to change my life. 

Today I called the weight management people to ask about what day my classes might start because I am signing up for a college course on Tues and Thurs nights.  The Rita lady on the other end of the phone said, let me look at your record, then, glory be! she said, Let's just schedule you now.  So I get to start my classes on September 2nd!  The classes last for 8 weeks and then they give you a surgery date.  I am so happy.  My life will begin soon.  (oh, and I bought myself some beautiful tanzanite and opal earrings to celebrate!)  Zippity doo dah, zippity eh!

I received my eligibility letter today.  The letter said that KP would contact me to begin the process, which includes 8 weeks of mandatory classes and other appointments with specialists.  The most disappointing sentence in the letter stated that they would contact me, but that it could take up to one year to be contacted.  I am so depressed over this.  I have made my decision and to wait, and wait, and wait is so discouraging. 

      I am patiently waiting for the approval letter from the weight management program at Kaiser Permanente, Colorado.  I decided to have weight loss surgery January 16, 2009.  I made the decision instantly.  I was going to have lunch with my co-worker in her office and needed to get a different chair so that I would not have to squeeze my big butt into one of her small (reality, they are regular size) chairs that sits in her office.  My clothes were tight, I could barely move and breathe.  I weighed 360 pounds with BMI over 55.  Once I made the decision, I felt a calmness come over me.  I ate my lunch, walked back to my office and made the phone call to the weight management program.  I cannot wait until I get the approval letter.  It has been two months since requesting a "packet" from the program and submitting it.  The waiting is the worst.  Once I made this decision,  I want to get going with the process.  It doesn't help that I am the most inpatient human being on the planet.  I want everything, NOW!
     My friend had RNY in 2006 and has been extremely successful. She looks and feels great.  After 187 pound weight loss, she lives a normal thin person's life.  I have felt so happy for her but at the same time, occasionally  bitterly jealous.  When she looks at size 6 jeans or a small blouse, I resent it.  I really love her and wish only happiness and thinness for her though. My petty feelings only last a minute or so and then are gone.   
      I cannot imagine wearing a smaller size.  I have been over 300 pounds for 15 years.  I barely sqeeze into a size 32 and 4X clothes. Since I was 10 years old, I have gained 10 pounds every year of my life.  Starting at 100 pounds at age 10, then continuing to 110 pounds at age 11, and  120 pounds at age 12, etc.  I stopped at age 36, weighing in at 360 pounds and have gained and lost the same ten pounds for the last 9 years.  ( weighing between 360 and 370). 
      I work in a hospital and am super freaked out when I examine a morbidly obese patient.  Diabetes, cancer, the thought of getting substandard healthcare because of my size haunts me.  I always plan on losing weight, want to lose weight, dream of losing weight but it never happens.  I diet for a day, sometimes if I am lucky,  two days but always go off the diet.  I am a compulsive overeater.  I cannot help myself.  I love food and think about food all of the time.  The only success for me will come from the tool of surgical restriction that comes from RNY.