peg1950
My Weight Loss JourneyFebruary 2008
These are my grandchildren, and they are four of my reasons for needing and wanting to make a change in my life. They mean the world to me. One goal that's very important for me to achieve, is to lose enough weight to be able to get down in the floor and play with my them. I don't want them to have memories of me being sick all the time, and not able to walk to the park with them, and by the way,we live across the street from a park. I don't want to keep hearing them say, "Grandmama are you feeling better?" Children know...when there's a problem. They are smart little people, and need lots of love and attention, and I want to be able to give back to them...what they give to me. It's Febuary of 2008, I can't breath well after any physical exertion; my knees are literally crumbling on the inside; and my blood pressure is sky high. I've already developed Type 2 Diabitis; had my right knee replaced in June of 2004, and I know my left knee is crumbling too. I'm on Oxygen at night, bled in through a C-pap machine that I have to sleep with, due to my having sleep apnea and severe asthma. My back hurts so bad I can't walk much more than a half block. My hips feel like I have bone rubbing against bone...and feel like they will bearly rotate. I can't shave my legs; and when I try...I literally cant’t reach the bottom of my legs without huffing and puffing....and feeling like I am suffocating from a lack of oxygen. I know this is not normal, and it is all due to my being morbidly over weight. I gradually crept up to 314 pounds. I really never thought I would weigh that much in my lifetime. Currently I weigh 304 and its so easy for me to stay in continual denial, feeling that there isn't anything wrong. I'm trying, now, to allow myself to see my real body and to feel the pain and discomfort that my body is feeling day after day....just barely able to carry the weight. I know it's time to start looking to my future......and start a Journey, knowing, in my heart it will bring me so many more years of health and happiness and so much joy, while being able to enjoy my husband, children, grandchildren and family. It's time to get real and honest with myself. “Is this the way I want to feel the rest of my life?” I know from past experience trying to go on a diet...I needed to have that "mood set" in my brain. I know...because I've done it before, time and time again. I lose...I gain....up and down on the scales like a rollercoaster. Seems like I always end up forgetting about the diet and start eating more and more... trying to fill that emotional part of me....that thinks "Food" will solve any and everything....trying to make myself feel better. When all-in-all...I'm killing myself with food, by putting to much focus on every bite that goes into my mouth. I'm only Living to Eat.....and I should be Eating to Live. Once I decided that I needed to lose weight, I started working with my PCP, Dr. Ray Smith, in Lubbock Texas; and my Insurance Company (UHC) . I was ready to get a plan started. After researching and giving it much thought and prayers, I've decided that Weight Loss Surgery is the way to go, for me. I have to admit...I do have a fear of failure, but know in my heart I have to try this plan to be successful and become a Healthy person. I've always had a hard time when trying to deprive myself of food. That's the emotional side of me that craves food for comfort. I need to learn to separate the emotional from the physical and deal with the moment, and learn to know when enough is enough. I need to say NO to the food that calling my name....because I am NOT HUNGRY.. I'm not comfortable with who I see in the mirror and I hope to one day,be able to look back and say..."I am at peace with myself and love me for who and what I am." I look forward to the day when I can say that I love ME and love my body for who I really am. Maybe then I can look in the mirror and see that real person that has been hiding behind food. I want myself and others to see that person hiding inside of me, for who she really is and be able to love me for what I am.
