I Guess its Time for an Update

Aug 17, 2009

Sorry that I haven’t updated lately, things have been so crazy, but that is what the summer is, jam packed with everything to do. I met with my PCP and it really, really discouraged me. Let me share a little bit about my experiences with doctors over the years.

My pediatrician once turned off the lights and had me count to three when she administered a shot. The result was me being terrified of needles for the next 15 to 20 years. I mean it was on a phobia level of fear. Then as I got a little older and my “baby” fat wasn’t going away, she wanted to send me to fat camp. So then, as my parents continued on with their bad eating habits, they began to criticize me for my weight. How do you, the person who controls what a child puts in their mouth, then turn around and blame that child for being fat and not eating the right foods? I hated that I disappointed them. To this day, I sometimes wonder if I’m a disappointment because I’m fat. I love my parents and they did so many things right. And I know the root of the criticism and comments was just their concern and love for me. This was just something that I wish we could go back and redo. I don’t blame them at all for my weight or current lifestyle. I am an adult and only I make my choices, my parents have no bearing on what I eat or don’t eat at this point. All of that is just the past and I can’t do anything about it.

I think by my teens, my parents (and maybe me too) resigned themselves to the idea that I would forever be fat. I stopped going to my pediatrician because I couldn’t take it anymore. When I was 13 or 14, she sent me to see a specialist because she said I had high blood pressure. When I went, it was fine. I realized my doctor made my blood pressure skyrocket because a visit to her was like running the gauntlet. Between needles and fat camps and my parents yelling at me as the numbers on the scale went up, I was only going to the doctor if I was dying of sickness as it was. It was enough to give a thinner person a heart attack. Just a side note, I’ve never had a problem with my blood pressure since. It’s always been low to normal.  So I stopped going to her, and went to the elderly doctor who had been my father’s doctor his whole life. He was amazing. Never judged, checked whatever it was that was bothering me, whether it was my throat or ears or whatever. He gave me a prescription for medicine and excuse for school and I went on my merry way. Sure, we all knew I was fat, and some might say he was wrong not to encourage me to loose weight, but I personally appreciated (and still appreciate) how he never made it an issue or the reason why I was ill like most doctors do with their overweight patients.

Then when he died, we had to look for a new family doctor. I was maybe 18 or 19 when this happened, and this is my current doctor. He and my dad kind of knew each other and my dad heard he was a great doctor so we became new patients. So while I still was only going to the doctor when I could not avoid it, I’ve been going to him the better part of a decade. When I saw him last week, it was as if I was a stranger. He asked me about my family’s medical history, my medical history etc. And though we’ve been talking about weight loss surgery since I was 20, I did not get the reaction I expected. Which is strange, because he was the one who had been urging me to think about the surgery, and he actually gave me a Hope Bariatrics (my wls clinic) pamphlet when I was in his office last.

 

It just seemed that during our meeting last week, he was saying, “look, you’re definitely fat enough, but you better try on your diet and you know you have to stick with it before and after the surgery. And hey, look at the biggest loser, you may not even want the surgery after 6 months of diet and exercise, maybe you’ll go it alone. Cuz you know, surgery is drastic”. It’s not that anything he said was THAT out of line, but I was confused and put off because we’ve already had that conversation and he should have known how much I wrestled for years with this decision and losing weight by other means. I guess I should be glad that he thinks I’m a good candidate and that he wasn’t saying no, but I was just upset that he didn’t remember or care about past appointments, his own recommendations, etc.

So here I am, and I should be really starting my diet and going to the gym, but I just feel so defeated. For every 10 people that have been encouraging, there has been maybe one person who I don’t find encouraging, and those one or two people are killing me. It’s like I feel that deep down inside, those few are right. I’m weak and lazy and will never be able to see this through. I feel as if I’ve done everything for this surgery but realize that being a healthy weight will never be a reality for me. I know I shouldn’t give up, but I have this demon on my shoulder telling me that I might as well not waste my time because I don’t have what it takes. And I’d do almost anything to avoid facing that failure, even if it means compromising my health and my future.

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About Me
Sewickley, PA
Location
39.5
BMI
RNY
Surgery
03/03/2010
Surgery Date
Jul 25, 2009
Member Since

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