Maybe just a few months till surgery?

Dec 15, 2009

Well I’m almost there; I’ve almost completed my six month pre-op process. I’ve seen a nutritionist, a psychologist, I’ve had my upper GI tract checked and I’ve met with my doctor monthly 4 times now. I will be meeting with my PCP again next Tuesday at which we will schedule my last monthly visit and go over the letter of medical necessity and everything else my surgeon will need from them to submit to my insurance. These past few months seem to have gone by with warp speed! Each thing I've accomplished has left me feeling excited!

Yet with the reality of surgery actually happening, I’m starting to get scared. I’m so scared that my insurance will deny me based on the fact that I haven’t lost enough weight these past months. I got off to a slow start, and then I dropped 12 pounds, now I’m plateau-ing again. I know I could have done more, so I’m not blaming anyone else or my body or anything. I’m just trying really hard now to catch up for those months I lost nothing or gained a few pounds and it’s sinking in that I should have done more and worked harder. Now because I let stress and my own weaknesses get the best of me, I didn’t lose like I wanted to. Like I should have.

I’m also afraid that once I heal and I’m able to eat solid foods again, I will start to cheat. I don’t want to cheat. I don’t intend to cheat. But I’m afraid it will happen. It may be hard to do it at first because of dumping and having a small pouch, I just don’t want to stretch it out and be fat again.

And then, because I have these fears, I think, if I tell anyone about these fears, they will say, “Stacy, you just aren’t ready for this then.” and/or “You shouldn’t be feeling this way.”  I’m even nervous blogging this here because I’m afraid I’ll be told I shouldn’t feel this way and that I should reconsider.

Because as scared as I am, I really want this surgery. I want be healthy. I want to have a long life and I want children and to watch them live their dreams. I want to go hiking in Colorado and I want to fly to Paris. I don’t want to develop diabetes and be insulin dependent. I don’t want to be the fattest person in the room anymore. I want to wear cute clothes. I just pray those goals are enough to prevent me from going backwards.

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