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I got on the scale last night at work and it said 361.6. So I'm about 7 lbs. from my surgery goal. I've got 2 more weeks to go before the next support group where I can weigh in and hopefully be at or below my goal. I went to meet with the psychologist a couple days after my last post, and when they weighed me then, I had GAINED 2 lbs. which made me quite unhappy. But I hoped it was just a normal fluctuation. My water exercise class is over, so now I'm back to working out on the bike and the weight machines at the fitness center. My clothes are getting looser, but even my biggest pair of jeans is still wearable. Loose, but they still stay on me. Can' t wait to get to the place where I just can't wear them at all anymore. My son is still doing the Atkins diet with me, so all the food in the house is geared to that. I'm debating about my birthday on Saturday though. Do I want to go off the diet for one day to indulge in cake and ice cream and maybe some other goodies I don't normally have? Or should I just stick to what I'm doing to get down to that goal weight? I don't want to set myself back, but what's life without an indulgence once in awhile? I don't have any answers right now. Monday night I went to a support group here in Napa for people who've had (or want to have) weight loss surgery. It's not affiliated with my HMO, so it doesn't count as an official check-in. But most of the people there had had the duodenal switch, and encouraged me to look into that instead of the lap band. I don't know that I want to go in that direction though, and have to fight my HMO and jump through hoops to get it. It would prolong the whole experience for me, and I don't want that. But I plan to go back to the group again. More later....

Wow... I knew I hadn't added an entry to my blog for awhile, but I didn't realize it's been nearly a whole month. I've still been working on my program, following the Atkins diet, and taking my water exercise class. I went to my first WLS support meeting this past Wednesday night, and they weighed me in there, and my weight was 367. So I have 12 more lbs. to go to be at the goal my surgeon wants. I think I can get there (or hopefully below) before the end of the summer. The support group was interesting for me. There were a lot of post-op people there who had lost tons of weight, and they shared some of their experiences and passed around before and after pics. But the facilitators sounded pretty rigid about sticking to the "approved" eating plan. They got on one woman's case for eating a piece of sugarless candy after her meal. She looked at it as a dessert, and they looked at it as snacking, which is strictly forbidden in their world. They also got on the case of another woman who liked to mix her Crystal Lite with ice chips in the blender for a slushy kind of drink. They felt that was too much like a snow cone, which was like snacking. They are very nazi-like when it comes to snacking. There was another woman there who was struggling to lose her pre-surgery weight, and was feeling frustrated because she had been following their prescribed diet and had only lost 3 lbs. in 3 months. I wanted to tell her afterwards to try doing the Atkins diet instead, but I didn't get a chance to talk to her after the meeting. But I feel like I would have been in exactly her position if I had continued to struggle with their 1200 cal. diet. Nobody has yet asked me about what I'm eating, or how I'm losing weight. I know they wouldn't approve of this diet, but I have to do what works for me. I think that even after surgery, I will stick to a low carb diet. My son has a lot of weight to lose too, and he is now following the Atkins diet with me, and has joined a local fitness center and started working out regularly. So we are getting to be a healthier family!

On Friday the 27th I met with my surgeon for the first time. He told me that I must get down to at least 355 in order to get the surgery. When they weighed me, my weight was 378.8. That's down from 396.5, so at least I'm on my way. They made an appt. for me to see a psychologist on the 28th of next month. I'd thought I wouldn't get to see the psychologist until I'd reached goal weight, but I guess that's not necessary. So I'm continuing with my Atkins diet, and still going to my swim class and doing workouts at the fitness center at work on days I don't have the swim class. Hopefully it will help to make my weight keep dropping. I'd like to be able to be at or below the goal weight he set for me by the end of the summer.

They didn't ask if I've been following their recommended diet. I guess it doesn't matter as long as the weight is coming off. But my personal goal is to get down to 350 before surgery. I need to be a few pounds below the goal weight just to make sure they won't deny my surgery on surgery day.

All this time that I've been following my virtually no-carb diet, I haven't gotten really hungry or really tempted to eat carbs - until yesterday. One of my coworkers brought in some really yummy-looking cinnamon rolls and set them out for everyone to eat. They looked really, really good to me. And also at work there was a big container of spaghetti that was available for anyone who wanted it, and that looked really good to me too. Plus there were some snack-size bags of potato chips available, that I know I would've gotten into if it weren't for this diet. I am pleased to say I didn't yield to any of the temptation, but it wasn't particularly easy. I just have to stay focused on my goal right now. I'm making progress, and failure is not an option. Not anymore. I want to be able to get my weight loss surgery ASAP, and that means working hard through the summer to take off as much as I can as fast as I can.

I am so jazzed! I stepped on the scale last night at work and was stunned to discover that I have lost 13 pounds since last week! Maybe not all of it is really weight. Maybe some of it is just water weight. My lower legs have been really swollen, and I have taken diuretics for the past 3 days, so that may be part of the explanation. But I've also been really good about sticking to my carb-free diet and getting exercise. This morning I took myself out to breakfast, and was pleased to discover that IHOP offers a breakfast for people who are doing carb-free diets. I thought I was going to have to order side dishes of everything. But I can feel the weight loss in my jeans and see it in my face. So it is really motivating to me to see some kind of tangible progress. I still have a loooong way to go, but I feel like I am finally really on my way.

We DID get accepted into the water exercise program! I was so excited, and it felt so good to get back into that pool again. This will be a good workout for me for the next 8 weeks. Also I'm continuing to follow the Atkins diet, and seem to be doing OK with it. I can see weight loss in my face, which is the first place I usually see it. I'm still in the very early stages of losing, but hopefully it won't take me too long to lose what I need to to qualify for surgery. One week from today I meet with my surgeon, so I'm really looking forward to that too. It feels good just to know that I'm on the right path for me right now.

I weighed myself at work last night, and was pleased to discover that I have lost 4 lbs. since last week. So I guess the Atkins diet must be working for me. And the great thing is that I'm not hungry the way I was with the 1200 cal. diet that I tried and failed to be successful with. I haven't been working out much this week though. My legs have been so swollen and my knees have been hurting. Just walking anywhere is an ordeal. But I am due to have my cortisone shots in my knees this week, and that will hopefully make a big difference. I usually end up feeling much better, at least for a couple of months. And of course losing weight should help too. Now tonight I am going with a friend to see if we can get into the water exercise class at the college. I'm really hoping they will let us audit it. It will be great exercise for me.

Today I'm feeling better. I decided to deviate from the diet my HMO wants me to follow to lose my pre-surgery weight, and follow the Atkins diet instead. I did lose weight with it a few years back, but I burned out on carbless eating and didn't think I could handle staying with it long term. But for the short term, for the next couple months, I think it will work much better for me because I won't get hungry Iike I do with the HMO diet. All I have to do is stay away from the carbs and let my body burn its own fat for fuel. I think it's the only way I'm going to be successful at taking off the aprox. 40 lbs. my surgeon is probably going to want me to lose, It's still 2 weeks yet though before my appt. with him. I'm just not sure whether I'll get in trouble with them for not following the diet THEY want me to follow. I know they want to prepare us to eat the way we're going to have to eat after surgery, but post-surgery I will have the lap band to keep me satisfied after eating only very small portions. Right now I don't have that, and I get VERY hungry eating only very small portions. It would take me forever to lose 40 lbs. with their plan because I'd keep relapsing out of hunger.

I'm hoping to be able to take a water exercise class for the summer for extra exercise. I've taken it before (at the local community college) but after taking it 3 times, they said I couldn't take it anymore. This time my friend and I are going to try to get approved to audit the class. We have to go in on the first night of class (this Monday) and see if the teacher will let us join. I really hope it works out, because it will be sooo beneficial to me.

I'm feeling really frustrated today. For the past 2 weeks I've been trying to stick to the pre-surgery diet (though not perfectly) and not only have I not lost anything, but according to the scale I weighed myself on last night, I have actually GAINED a half pound! I mean, Jeez.... For half of April and most of May I was eating with reckless abandon... whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it, and I was avoiding going to the fitness center to work out. The past 2 weeks I've resumed my workouts and have been eating healthy and resisting snacks and various temptations. I did eat out a couple times and had more than my diet allowed, but all in all it was healthy food... not junk.

The thought of having to lose 30-40 lbs. before they will set a surgery date for me feels overwhelming. I mean, if I was good at losing weight on my own, why would I besuch a good candidate for surgical weight loss? People who can take weight off and keep it off are not likely to be very obese, and are not likely to need WLS.

The portions they want me to eat are so tiny. Not filling or satisfying. If I stay within their guidelines, I get soooo HUNGRY! And when I get too hungry, I just cave in and eat something I really shouldn't have. But if I eat larger portions, apparently I won't lose any weight. I want the lap band surgery so that I can eat small portions and not feel hungry. That is what I feel will enable me to lose the weight I need to lose. But right now I don't have the band to keep me feeling full.

Am I going to have to do something more drastic to lose this weight? Slimfast? Dexatrim? Fasting?

I keep a daily food and exercise record. I keep a diet journal (in addition to a regular journal) and I've read lots of weight loss books so far this year for inspiraton and encouragement. I don't mean just diet how-to books, but books by others who have struggled with obesity and managed to lose weight one way or another. I don't think I'm an unmotivated person. But this is such a struggle for me.

Last night, after weighing myself and seeing the unhappy results, I felt like just saying fuck it, and going back to eating whatever the hell I want. But I can't. I have to keep trying. I'm in bad physical shape, and it's not going to get any better by ignoring it. I think that one of the ways I've kept myself stuck is by getting so discouraged so easily and then just giving up and feeling like a powerless victim. And when I get into victim mode, I heap all kinds of blame and shame on myself and tell myself that I just can't lose weight, and I'm just doomed to be fat forever. Which ultimately entitles me to eat with abandon because what difference does it make?

I can't be on that track anymore. I am at a point where I have to do something. Weight loss surgery is my second chance, and I have to take it. I just have to keep fighting back. Argh....

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from one of my friends who reminded me to watch "Oprah". She'd told me a few days ago that Monday's show was going to be about weight loss. So I tuned in, and wow.... AMAZING transformations. There were people there who had lost tremendous amounts of weight just by diet and exercise. None of them had had weight loss surgery. There was one woman who used to be 700 pounds!!!! (If anyone is reading this who is interested, you can see the stories of these people on Oprah.com)

Seeing those kinds of stories always made me feel like I should be able to do that too... lose weight through my own efforts and not through surgery. It was what always kept me from considering surgery before. But I have come to accept that losing weight through surgical means is just a different path to the same thing. I'm not going to beat myself up for choosing the surgical route. I'm just one of those people who, for whatever reasons, has not been able to achieve it on my own. 

Although the Oprah show was inspiriing, it sends out the message that people who lose weight on their own are stronger, or more motivated, or have better discipline, or deserve more accolades than people who submit to surgical weight loss. I used to believe that surgery was the "easy" way out too. But I have since learned that surgical weight loss is no magical cure either. You still have to work at it. And if you DON'T work at it, you can gain the weight right back. 

What did scare me though, was seeing the loose skin hanging off of one man who had lost a tremendous amount of weight. Not many people would be willing to show that on national TV. In fact, I don't think most people would be willing to show that to even their friends. Because, the bigger you are, and the more weight you lose, the more loose skin you will have hanging off your body afterward.  It really scares me that I might end up looking grotesque. I don't think I will ever have enough money to be able to afford the cosmetic surgery to have the excess skin removed. In fact, if my HMO didn't cover weight loss surgery, I wouldn't be able to afford to have that either. But of course they don't cover the loose skin removal. So I am really curious to hear about the experiences of other people who have lost 150 pounds or more, and how they feel about their appearances.

I've been following my new "bariatric diet" for a little less than a week now. I went to my first bariatric orientation class last Tuesday and was given lots of info, and presented with lots of hoops to jump through. The first thing they did was weigh us when we first stepped through the door. That weight is my official starting weight. I have an appointment with my assigned surgeon next month, and I am supposed to discuss with him what kind of surgery I want (lap band procedure) and he will tell me how much weight he wants me to lose before he will set a surgery date. I'm guessing I will have to lose somewhere between 30-40 lbs. The sooner I can lose it, the sooner I can have my surgery. They told me that the average time between the first orientation and the actual surgery is usually about 4-6 months. I'm hoping it will be less than 4 months for me.

As part of the hoops I have to jump through, I've done fasting lab work, had a recent mammogram, and tomorrow have to go in for a sigmoidoscopy... argh! But it's just part of the prep to get me ready for this. There will be more to come in the weeks/months ahead.

Everyone I've told about this has been supportive and positive and encouraging. I've done more reading about it. I ordered a book from Amazon.com called  The Lap Band Companion by Mark J. Watson, MD and Daniel B. Jones, MD. It was very informative. Then I ordered another book, written by Khaliah Ali (one of the daughters of Mohammed Ali) titled Fighting Weight that was a memoir about her struggles with her weight throughout her life, and then her successful lap band surgery. It gave a much more up-close-and-personal look at what is involved in going through this process, and was very inspiring. I would recommend it to others.

I'm excited to have started this journey, but still not really believing that I will actually be successful at taking off a huge amount of weight. I've gotten my hopes up so many times in the past, and then wasn't able to follow though with my diet plans, or else my success was only short-lived. And yet so many people have had success with this when all their other weight loss attempts just ended in failure. I'm enjoying reading other people's stories, and hearing how happy people are with the results of their surgeries. It really gives me hope.