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Oh. My. God. I. Suck!

I have not posted in... in... FOREVER!  What the hell is wrong with me?  So much for my brilliant book idea in which I would update the world daily on my very dramatic weight loss story followed with daily pictures, favorite recipes and all the other crap that goes along with writing a memoir.

Oh well.

Life is great.  Nothing outrageous to report.  Have lost 56 pounds in almost 3 months and am about half way to my goal of being a 134 lb. SUPERMODEL. 

Heh.

I promise to be more efficient in writing this blog.  Or at the very least I promise to try.

XO

 

 

Less than 48 hours until my surgery.  I'm so much less nervous than I was two weeks ago.  It's totally due to the people here on this site!  I met a lovely woman who lives in my town on Sunday, and she told me all about her experience.  She's doing great 20+ months out.  

I also got a few PM's from members here just wishing me a good surgery and recovery.  HOW AWESOME IS THAT?  Pretty awesome, methinks!  

I ate a few of my favorite foods this week, but it just felt like ABUSE.  Which it was.  Today I'm not going to have a "last supper" or stuff myself on garbage just to get it while the gettin's good.  

I've had enough "last suppers" to feed an entire third world country.  I'm done.

 

I had my endoscopy on Monday.  It was the first time IN MY LIFE that I have been administered anesthesia, and I will proudly admit that I liked it.  

Less than a week until surgery.  Now that I've experienced the anesthesia I am not as frightened for my surgery.  I think knowing that I'm not going to have an allergic reaction to it makes me a bit more at ease.

Conversations like these make me nervous:

Doc:  "So do you have an adverse reaction to anesthesia?"
Me:  "Uh... I've never had surgery before, so I don't know."

Silence.

Doc:  "How about anyone in your family?"
Me:  "Not that I am aware of."

Silence.

Doc:  "Okay."

HELLLLOOOOO!?!?!?!?!?!?!  If you are trying to put me at ease before a MAJOR-ISH SURGERY, I'd like to make you aware that you are TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT.

Breathe.  Breathe.

So... I'm ok now.  Looking forward to getting some rest after surgery.  My feet hate my fatness and the fact that I stand on them all day long.  They (my feet) are looking very forward to this surgery.

Bark!  Bark!  Can you hear them?  

6 days.

Can I get an AMEN?!  

 



It's less than two weeks to go before surgery and I am getting so excited.  

Tomorrow I have a consultation with the doctor that will be doing my endoscopy on Monday.  At the end of each day when I look at my filofax I just smile to myself.  Another thing off the list.  Another step closer to a new ME.

I went to my mom's house last night and we went over the post-surgery diet book that the surgeon's office sent.  She's going to go out and get all of the items that I need, which is wonderful and helpful since I have so much on my plate right now.

Thanks mom!



How do I get an angel on the board?  

Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

 

 I'm exhausted tonight.

Maybe I am thinking too much.  Or maybe I'm getting my period.  Either way, my emotions are all over the place.  Today I was at work thinking about my surgery and I wondered what would happen if I got the surgery and didn't lose any weight.

In this day-dream montage my mother was sitting next to me in the kitchen shaking her head in disappointment and whispering to herself, (so I could hear) "Tara, there really isn't another option.  You just can't do it, can you?"

Then I started to tear up at work and hid in the bathroom and stared in the mirror and just kinda watched myself.  Then I pulled my double chins back, and snapped back to reality.  I bet I will look really good when I lose the weight.

Is anyone else this crazy?  Don't answer that!

 Night.

 Here I am.  

 

I'm supposed to be packing my things to move tomorrow and instead I am sitting here at the desk daydreaming of wearing little dresses and tank tops and sexy heels and BELTS!  Wow.  

Back to reality...

I scheduled my RNY for July 30th.  My surgeon will no longer take my insurance as of August 6th so they had to squeeeeeze me into the schedule before that time.  I'm grateful I don't have too much time to think, really.  And with the pressure of moving into a new apartment, hopefully I won't be freaking myself out too much.  You see, I've never been under the knife.  Or "put-under" or what have you.  So the less time I have to get those wheels turning in my head, the better.

Tonight I had the brilliant idea of looking up RNY on YouTube.  And since the sight/thought of any bodily fluid or innards freaks me the fAk out, I wonder what the hell I was thinking!!!!  There it all was in full gory technicolor.  Some yellow fatty thing being probed by a sharp knife-like object... things were moving... beating... clear fluid was bubbling atop some bright- red- vein-thing.  I WANTED TO POKE MY EYES OUT WITH MY OWN FINGERS!   Very gross.  Very, very, very unnecessary for me to see.  Why did I do that to myself?  Am I TRYING to have a panic attack?

 And then in one video some woman was all spread eagle in her enormous  nakedness and... well.  I had to turn that shit off.  Good God!

So here I am.  Wasting time.  Feeling exhausted.  Overwhelmed.  Thankful.  Shocked!  And excited to move into a new place and start my new LIFE.

Two weeks ago WLS was just a teeny-weeny blip on my radar.  Today it's a reality.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, Universe/God/Higher Power!

Goodnight, moon.