Trying to maintain and maybe lose a little more...

Sep 21, 2011

 So, it's been quite some time since I've been on this site.  I'm not sure why.  I guess I've gotten caught up in that thing called LIFE.  So in total I've lost 170lbs.  GREAT!! Here's my problem.  I have saggy legs/thighs, butt, belly, boobs and arms.  Sure, I feel great about the weight that I've lost but I feel that I get more stares at the beach or at the pool now because of the gross hanging, flappy skin than what I got when I was fat.  I would love to have plastic surgery done but I would want it all and all at once.  My main drawback is money.  I suffer with severe bi-polar disorder along with several childhood traumas, therefore, I find it nearly impossible to convince myself, let alone anyone else, that I am worth XX amount of dollars.  I used to get my nails done and then started to feel guilty about spending the money on myself so I stopped.  I don't feel as good about myself now.  I used to get my hair done every other month or so now it's about every 6 months and I maintain it inbetween.  I really, really want to feel good about myself but I am constantly fighting my mental illness and demons from my past that 'tell me who I am'.  Logically, I understand what is going on and why etc... it's getting my emotional self and behaviours to follow.  I tend to start eating poorly because I don't feel that I am worth taking care of.  I really don't want to go back to where I came from (morbidly obese) but I would love to love myself enough to continue working towards self improvement... ~sigh~... currently, I have gained 20 lbs back. I find this devastating, however, not motivating.  I am going to give the 5 Day Pouch Test a try (by Kaye Bailey).  I hope that it will swing me back in a positive direction.

Until next time... which, hopefully won't be as long inbetween as last time... so long for now!

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