I broke down and wimped out

Jan 17, 2010

I finally got the money to join the gym.  I went today and signed up, I'm all joined and ready to go.  Well, as soon as I handed the money over and they gave me the membership card, I started to panic.  They offer a new sign-up thing for 3 training sessions for $99.  All this time I have been saying I want to get a trainer- well I got scared and decided against signing up for that right away.  I said I just wanted to be able to check out the gym and have someone show me around and how to use the equipment. 

The woman told me to just go on back the the fitness center and find someone who works there and sign up for a free evaluation/orientation.  My husband and i go on back to the fitness center- and I can not bring myself to go in!  there's this enormous glass wall, and I can see maybe 3 dozen people working out  hardcore, and a lot of them are looking at me because I am just standing there staring in like a goober.

I try to spot a fitness coach through the window so I can just go on in and talk to them.  I can't spot anyone and my anxiety just keeps building, because I am so intimidated, and I just hear this voice in my head repeating over and over again 'You can't do it, you're too fat, they're all judging you, etc"  I'm having flashbacks to when I was 13 and I joined the Y and had one of the evaluations and the trainer looked me right in the face and said "You're obese"

I had to go down to hall to a quiet area and just let myself have a little breakdown because I was going to have an anxiety attack if I actually went inside that gym.  After i calmed down I ended up leaving because I still couldn't spot a trainer.

I can't believe I let the negativity get the best of me.  I will go in person tomorrow and sign up.  At that point i was so embarassed for crying in public that i just wanted to leave.
1 comment

The in-between place and body issues

Nov 10, 2009

I am in such an in-between place right now.  I am 7 months out, 113 lbs gone, yet I am still morbidly obese.  I am living a really healthy lifestyle,  certainly healthier than anyone I know when it comes to the food I eat, exercise and drinking water  But to anyone that passes me on the street, I am just another fat person.  That's what i see when I look at myself.

I remember thinking pre-op that ANY weight loss would make me happy.  Even 100 lbs will make me feel and look different.  But now here I am more than 100 lbs down and I am still unhappy with my body, if not more so sometimes because of issues I am having with sagging skin.  My thighs and arms look terrible, and my breasts are just becoming pathetic imitations of breasts.  I don't think i will be able to get plastics, and I know that as I lose more, the skin will just get worse.

I know that I'm healthier, and i am so grateful.  That is the ultimate reason I had this surgery.  But it makes me sad to realize that I am going to hate what my body looks like no matter what I weigh.
2 comments

Ch.ch.ch.ch.changes

Sep 04, 2009

I am almost 5 months out now.  I have lost 91 lbs.  Today my doctor took me off my blood pressure meds.  I still have so long to go; I am less than halfway there.  But I feel so strong now.  When I'm able to walk two miles, jogging on and off, I feel so empowered.  I am mastering my own body instead of being controlled by my emotions, urges and poor health.

I can't wait until I can accomplish my goals of running a half marathon, riding a roller coaster, and horseback riding lessons.]
0 comments

Self-hatred?

Jul 03, 2009

A couple of posts on the VSG board have gotten me thinking today.  I've realized that many times when I make a post, I find myself going to the same places- wishing I was "normal" and talking about what a "freak" i am.  One member made a comment in a post about the ammount of self-hatred she sees on the boards.  Even if she didn't mention or intend me, I'm certainly one of those people.

I have been severely overweight my whole life.  I really feel that I missed out on a normal childhood because i was so alienated by my peers.  It wasn't just the weight, but that was a huge factor.  When people at school, in your family, in public, everywhere put you down your whole life, it is bound to effect they way you percieve yourself.

Why does it effect some people more than others?  Why is it that people like me take the external negativity and turn it inward, until it becomes the truth?  And why can others just let it roll off thier backs and say, 'well that's your opinion, but it's not my truth'?

2 comments

First blog :)

Jul 02, 2009

It has been almost three months since surgery.  I've lost 64 pounds including the 10 I lost before surgery.  I feel about the same honestly, in terms of how I look.  I am noticing certain things, like I can go up and down the stairs a lot without getting winded, or I can walk longer without having knee pain.

I do not regret having this surgery AT ALL.  Even  if I lose slowly, I don't care.  It's better than losing nothing or getting any heavier!  I am only 25, but I feel like I wasted my entire youth being overweight.  I missed out on a lot of things, and I really regret that.  Now I am losing weight and soon I will be able to have a normal life, I hope.  I don't want to waste any more years being miserable because of my size.
1 comment

About Me
Baltimore,
Location
VSG
Surgery
04/07/2009
Surgery Date
Mar 14, 2009
Member Since

Friends 56

Latest Blog 5

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